Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I woke up without that horrible sinking feeling I was expecting. My mind is still all over the place. I think I dreamt about him and everything that's happening. But I think in my dream I was starting not to hate him so much because I was starting not to care. But in reality I do really hate him. I hate that he probably thinks he's better than me, that he's happier now than he was with me and the girls. That really pisses me off. He's rejected the family that he chose to create. I sort of hope it is just that he had his head turned by her, and not that he became unhappy and then met her as he claims. Because if it's the former when it falls apart, which it probably will, he'll realise what he threw away. And now it's too late.

He is a complete carbon copy of his father. And I'm quite convinced that he will end up going a similar way. I almost feel sorry for him. But not quite. He deserves to be sad and alone. He definitely doesn't deserve the life he had with us. We really were the perfect family with the happiest, most beautiful and loving little girls. He doesn't deserve to have the joy that they bring in his life. He already misses out on so much with them and I'm glad, he shouldn't have the privilege of spending time with them and watching them grow and develop. He was the one who said he "shouldn't have become a Dad", but being their Dad was the greatest thing he did ever and will ever achieve. They'll be just fine without someone who can't see how incredible they are.

Look, relationships break up all the time for a million reasons. It's not always because someone has cheated.

But when everything is normal and then one of the couple suddenly says out of nowhere, 'I want to go out more. I shouldn't have had children. I'm not happy. I feel trapped. It's your fault because of XYZ,' then the reason is very likely to be because they've had their head turned, crossed that line and have started something they can't stop.

Then the killer - 'I've felt like this for ages.' The attempt to rewrite history is what really throws you. Because you know the change happened, literally, overnight. Yet they are implying it's been going on for ages. And their deflection works because it throws you off the scent and confuses your ability to understand what has happened.

I'm as sure as I can be from everything you've said that everything was normal until he got together with this woman at a work do. Yes life was hectic (young children are hard work) and you have been suffering from depression which can put pressure on a family BUT he wasn't planning on leaving. No one decides to leave their family, the home they've built, fork out for another place to live / child support, hurt those they love completely out of the blue unless something else is at play. And it's usually the infatuation with a new, exciting relationship.

Don't let him mess with your mind. He will want to protect this new woman / relationship so that nobody blames it for the fact he has left his wife and children. To keep it unsullied in his mind. So he will pretend he's been unhappy for ages. But if that was true you would have known.

He was stressed and possibly depressed but not unhappy - if he was that unhappy why would he had had a second child with you?! He loved you enough to stay for 12 years! Like pp say don't let him rewrite the past. It's definitely him that's messed up and that will miss out. He'll def regret what he's done. His ow is probably already panicking - it all becoming a bit serious now he's left you - she and he probably enjoyed the chase but now she's got a depressed, screwed up man for a 'boyfriend'. One who loved someone else already for much of his life, she'll always be second best, never get kids and she'll always be wondering and a little bit jealous of you whenever he sees you. Their relationship if it does continue will always be based on lies and deceit and sullied. They can hardly have a lovely wedding speech about beautiful first datesor tell people how they met without lying. And what's more he'll do this to her too at one point. And that's if the relationship continues - most likely the novelty will wear off soon,if if hasn't done already and they'll both realize what a mistake they made.
You on the other hand, will still have the most wonderful daughters, lovely friends and family, live in your house, and hopefully will in time meet someone new who won't ever crack on you this way. and hope you still make your hair appointment today.

If he texts me about the girls, to ask something generic about how they are or how they slept. Do I have to respond to him? I don't want any contact with him but at the same time if I don't respond to him then he's less likely to respond to me when he has them and I like to know they're okay.

God it's hard isn't it - I would still communicate neutrally and very short answers about the girls if he explicitly asks you. you are still being the (much) bigger person here and it's in the girls best interests to keep communication about them going with their dad.

To be honest I don't think he will contact me. I don't think he'll feel he needs to keep up the pretence any longer. He doesn't want any bit of his old life because its all too inconvenient for him. That would suit me fine at this point, he's been a shit Dad in recent months.

Yes, short and factual answers about the girls. Don't get drawn in on anything else unless it's something you need to talk to him about.

I keep feeling really sick. It's a horrible feeling.

I don't even think I love him anymore. It's the rejection and the betrayal that hurts. And the complete lack of respect for me and his children. He was the last person anyone ever thought would do this. His family are just as stunned. Our mutual friends thought I was joking when I told them. They don't want anything to do with him now, not because of the cheating but his behaviour since.

I feel like so much of the past is tainted. Today it's 3 years since DD1 was discharged from NICU. It was such a monumental day that we had been working towards for weeks. And I can't think of that experience without thinking of him. And I don't want to think of him so I don't want to think about that experience and that just makes it really shit. My children's lives up to now involve him. I don't want to think about him so how can I positively think back on any memories. I know I'll make new memories but what about the ones that are already there. And not just the big things, the silly things. The Little Miss Tiny book that he read to her in NICU. We used to call her Little Miss Tiny and now that memory is completely tainted because it was something we created together. He's damaged it all.

Agree that it's not the actual being intimate with another person that hurts the most - though that hurts enough.

It's the lies, deception, mind games, rewriting of history, overnight checking-out, lack of concern for children, blaming others etc. It messes with your head and drives you mad.

It's the lies, deception, mind games, rewriting of history, overnight checking-out, lack of concern for children, blaming others etc. It messes with your head and drives you mad

that's very well put magical , that's exactly right

I hate that he thinks what he's done is okay because he wasn't happy. I hate that he probably walked out yesterday and just thought "thank fuck that's done" while I cried a lake. I hate that he probably went back to her and had his ego stroked and sympathy for his difficult that conversation must have been for him. I hate the way he must have portrayed me to her. I hate him.

It's ok to hate him, he has treated your u and his children very badly and continues to do so .

I do feel like an idiot for choosing such a lowlife as my husband. Obviously I didn't know he was. And maybe he wasn't. But I really thought he would never be capable of this.

What is the benefit of a legal separation over going straight for divorce? Is a legal separation more immediate? Whereas a divorce can/will take longer? I will be seeking legal advice but just wondered if any of you knew the answer.

You are not an idiot for choosing him.

Or if you are, half of the women on MN are idiots too, because lots of us have been treated like this by men we loved, trusted and had kids with

Do these men get their comeuppance? They don't just ride off in to the sunset and live a lovely happy life while we struggle to make sense of it all, do they?

I was going to say earlier that him having the DDs at your house is not good for them. It unsettles them and confuses them. And you are the one dealing with the fall out.
Him having them, even if it means them meeting her, will bring reality to his life. It's hard to be romantic with small children demanding attention.

Anger is a good thing right now, as long as you use it to help you take control.

And contact with the children is about what is best for them. If he can't feed them then maybe meal times aren't best? You might want to keep a diary.

I feel a bit flat this morning. My parents arranged Mother's Day cards and presents from the girls so it's not like I've lost out there.

I'm just really pissed off that he gave up/gave in to temptation. I know he'd probably use the argument that if we were happy, if the relationship was good he never would have been swayed. But the fact is that it was a testing time, with two small children, and he should have been a decent enough person not to do that. Even if temptation was there, you need to have the foresight to know that it's temporary. Out of 12 years, if you've been happy for most of it, even a big chunk of it, you have to know that you will be again. I'm so pissed off at what he has destroyed. He had everything and not only has he walked away from it, he's taken it away from me as well. And for what? For being too weak to realise that you need to just get through stuff sometimes. For being so selfish that you can't see that putting yourself first in the short term has long term consequences that affect everyone, including yourself.

You have every right to be angry, he's weak and selfish.

And he didn't cheat because he was unhappy, he cheated because of his very large sense of entitlement. That's what causes infidelity.

It wasn't your fault.

It's so difficult not to think about how I want it all back - how I'd like to go back to a couple of months ago. Obviously I wish all of this hadn't happened but it has so he's not the same person anymore. So I want something that can never exist again. And that's the hardest thing. Because I don't know what I do want now. And it really pisses me off because there were times that I didn't like our relationship, times that I struggled to be with him and thought that maybe an alternative would be better, but I made a commitment to him and so I didn't run off with someone else and I didn't leave him, because I knew that those thoughts/feelings are usually temporary and I shouldn't act on it, at least not immediately. If I had felt the same way consistently for about a year then I'd have considered leaving. But he told me he wasn't unhappy at Christmas. And by my estimation he checked out/met someone else a month later. By 23rd Feb, when I found out, he had at at least been out with and kissed another woman. All because of "3 weeks of arguing" according to him. That's not a rational or reasonable response! I know he's impulsive but that takes the piss. And according to him, he was doing me a courtesy by telling me he wanted to go out a night a week, apparently it was a problem that he discussed with me. And my reaction - that he was being unfair and selfish - was apparently the cause for the arguments and the arguments were why he went out and met someone else. But in reality I know that he must have met her before his request for a night out a week and that was his reason. But even if it was as he said, arguing for 3 weeks, even non-stop, is not a reason to walk out on a family. But I know that those arguments were caused by him, not me, and most likely out of guilt at what he was already doing.

Happy Mother's Day

He acted like this because unfortunately you guys had a massive period of stress and it was the model he learned in childhood of how to behave.

Of course he'll get his comeuppance - he's lost his close relationship with his girls - what worse consequence can there be that than for a patent. And he's lost you - he's lost a huge chunk of stability and support.

Everything they do as a couple (if they do stay together) will be tainted for her by the fact you've done it first.

The very vindictive part of me likes that thought - she's always doing everything for the second time for him. You assume that the OW just thinks she's better than you for making the husband leave, but ultimately he chose to be with me for over a decade so he must have loved me and she has to contend with that. We have also been through things that glued us together in a way that she couldn't imagine. And as much as we're not together now she can't get as close as we once were without going through something equally as difficult.

I did say to him the other day to never think that she is better than me because she's not. And don't ever tell her she is because that would be a lie. I didn't think it but I didn't want him to think I thought of myself as inferior.

She's got with him when he was at it near his lowest, most stressed point in life 1 - what kind of woman does that?! And 2 - she's not exactly turned his head in happier times it's hardly hard to come along when someone's marriage is under stress and say here I am stress free look at me!
He's right in a way though - it's not about her - it's about him and the models of dealing with extreme stress he's learnt from his parents and that stupidly he couldn't recognise and stop what was happening before it did.

Anger is very good and totally justified. When you are in s better place I'd still push and see if he'll come to counselling with you - most likely he'll say no but you never know. It would do you both good to let out some anger and work out how you can deal with each other for the girls. Unfortunately I don't think he's with it enough to agree to it at the mo.

And yes she'll always be a pale shadow of you and your relationship with him - my sisters boyfriend left her after 10 years, she married and had a family with another lovely one after but sometimes she forgot and would say to him 'remember that place we went to' or 'it was funny when x' she didn't mean to of course but the memories she had with her first boyfriend were always there and she just got confused sometimes!! Poor husband understood though!

I couldn't be in a room with him at the moment anyway. I'm thinking of getting someone else to do the handovers because I just don't want to see him or converse with him at the moment.

I am pissed off with myself for crying in front of him the other day. But at the same time, if I hadn't he would think what he'd done didn't matter and he'd got away with it.