Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Hand over was fine. I obviously looked a bit sad so he asked if I'm okay then he asked what's wrong. I told him I wasn't going to start talking to him now. Then a while later he asked if I had a nice time last night. I just said yes and left it at that.

You will have so many down days and they are shit.
There's no getting around them or over them.
You need to just ride it out until the next good day or good hour.
It comes in waves. That's the only way to describe it.
This huge wave of sadness and anger just over takes you.
Plan to do something nice today.
If it's as lovely there as it here just get out in the fresh air.
Nice walk or trip to the park.
A coffee shop with an outside bit you can sit and people watch.
Simple things for now.
Keep going. Cry when you need to.
Rant when you need to.
We are still here and listening.

You're doing really well. Please ask him again for a date to talk properly. pumping is the most miserable thing and the fact you don't want to be away from your family just shows what a good Mum you are and continue to be.

Unfortunately it's freezing here today! But my mum is coming over today and we'll definitely go out somewhere, even if it's just for coffee.

I love how much DD2 loves to see me. She gets so excited and starts waving her arms about and when I start to adjust my top to feed her she gets so excited she starts to cry. DD1 told me she wanted Mummy last night and she just told me she loves me completely unprompted. I love them so much.

DD1 is being a terror. She was like this after the last time she saw her Dad. I don't know if it would beneficial for her to have a daily phone call with him. Or if it might make matters worse. I know every child is different but does anyone have any experience of this and if it's beneficial or detrimental either way? I'm also a bit dubious of suggesting it as it's another opportunity for him to let her down.

I wouldn't and it's not Been that long. This is a steep learning curve for all concerned. It takes time.

Not sure every day is the way to go but it depends on your DD.
Try a facetime every other day maybe?
Not just before bed but earlier.
So she's not too excited going to bed.
It really will be trial and error for a while until you settle into routine that suits both DDs.

I'll see how she is for the rest of the day. It could be that she's picking up on my tension. I'll try to chill out a bit.

I have a question about breasts that someone might be able to answer. I didn't express during the night last night so I went from 10pm to 6am without expressing. Obviously I woke up completely engorged, painfully so. I expressed and then when I got back home I fed DD. My breasts aren't full now but they look huge! What is going on?

Wise words from hellsbellslemons

Just carry on doing what you're doing Iwas

You really are doing great! And it will get easier in time

Just takes a while for the tissues to shrink back, don't worry about it, they'll probably be normal again by this evening

Ah that's a shame! I was quite liking the idea of slightly bigger breasts!

Hi op-just checking in to see how you are-sounds like you are doing so well-keep going girl

Hi, I think Hellsbells idea about the FaceTime could be a real help.

Yes looking after a baby - hard
Looking after a baby and preschooler - rock hard
Looking after a sick baby and preschooler - supremely hard
Looking after a sick baby and preschooler whilst your husband opts out for whatever reason - impossible, but you are doing it!

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I really need that today as I've been feeling pretty vulnerable and a bit low.

DD1 didn't have a sleep today which is never good for her, especially on top of how she's been behaving. She's been very boisterous and rude. She just seems to agitated. I took them to the park this afternoon and she was fine the whole time we were there, fine when we left but a minute down the road she said she wanted to be carried and I told her she had to walk so she cried/screamed/whinged all the way home. By the time we got home she was hysterical. She was so overtired that that was a big part of it but she just couldn't calm herself down. She stayed like that for about 15 minutes while I cuddled her and tried to make it okay. Much of what she said was indecipherable but at one point she said very clearly "I just want my Daddy". In the end, my Dad knocked on the door as he was coming in anyway and she gave him a cuddle and she calmed down - she always favours my Dad when she's missing her Dad, he's the next closest male in her life. I just feel so bad for her. I know it's not my doing but I can't make it better for her.

Is it possible you could talk to him via FaceTime one evening? I know it's tricky with DD but it would mean you would not have to organise babysitting etc. Just a thought.
Glad you had a night out. It's hard, but you are a brave women

Woke up feeling really crappy again. I'm tired too which isn't helping. He's got the girls again on Thursday night and then all day Friday so I can't at least catch up on some sleep then.

I feel really alone today. DD1 has spent a lot of the morning playing up, crying and saying she wants her Daddy.

It'll be ok. Can you get your mum or a friend to come today?
You need to tell him the impact he's having on your dd1 if you've not already told him.

I know people are saying no contact but can you text him just to say she's distuvrded ahd asking for you, upset after the visit ahd doesn't really understand what's going on. Say she loves you and misses you - how can we make this easier for her? Do you think a daily call/face time would be a good idea?

I sent him a text saying basically that last night and I haven't had a reply which is probably why I'm feeling so alone with it all. I know that probably means he's with the OW but I'm just devastated that he cares so little. How can someone be so unmoved by hearing that one of the people they created is distraught and there's something they could do to help. I'm just on my way back from dropping her at nursery, trying really hard not to cry.

I'm sitting at home sobbing. I don't know what to do. I just feel so devastated.

I feel like I'm slipping in to depression again rather than just being sad. I just want to give up. I'm so tired and I'm so down. I'm taking my medication but I don't feel it's doing enough.

You are bound to feel sad - there would be something wrong with you if you didn't feel that.
You can't control his reactions but I think you did the right thing by saying that to him. I think he does care. Just keep reminding yourself that things will get better. See if you can see a friend or your parents today.

I didn't want to leave you unanswered as you are obviously distressed. I think you are being really hard on yourself and you just need to take one step at a time. You feel bereaved and robbed of your life- and your daughters. Even if he doesn't want to be with you he is now complicite in leaving you to suffer. This is so unnecessary.

In the nicest possible way you have to dig deep for your daughters sake. This will take time and you can do it. Xx