Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end it don't I?

320 replies

smileygrapefruit · 17/02/2017 20:13

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

OP posts:
Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 18/02/2017 14:35

thestoic I'm honestly working on that but in this case he told us 7pm and didn't contact to say oh by the way it's going to be more like 10pm.

OP posts:
mumndad37 · 18/02/2017 14:44

smileygrapefruit - (love your name btw)
I don't think you're being controlling. He is being inconsiderate. Anyone who tells you they will show up at a certain time and rocks in 3 hours later without even a text, is inconsiderate. If you didn't give him a deadline, and he told you he'd be in, he owes you some sort of communication at that time and an apology later.

JHMJHM · 18/02/2017 14:45

Ok...my DH went out and played golf all day yesterday. Went for a load of drinks. Crashed out in his mates shed. Called me from a roundabout in Worsley at 8am feeling like shit, having been fruitlessly trying to order a cab since 6am.

My reaction? I laughed. He got home, went to bed and me and the kids went to the park for a bit. Saw a heron and had a nice time. He is up now, and has taken them swimming. I am going out tonight to see my mates. I will probably get in around midnight. One of the many reasons I love him is he occasionally (massively) lets his hair down. As I do. Sometimes we do it together, sometimes with our respective mates.

HarryElephante · 18/02/2017 14:50

I'm honestly working on that but in this case he told us 7pm and didn't contact to say oh by the way it's going to be more like 10pm

Have you tried to establish why he does this? That's fairly fundamental to how to resolve it.

GertrudeBelle · 18/02/2017 14:59

TheStoic - OP said earlier that And no, I'm not ok with him going out at 9am and saying don't wait up I don't know when I'll be back.

So he knows that a curfew is expected. And it's clear that the curfew has to be suitably early to keep OP happy.

Also the OP is incredibly forgiving of her own contribution to this. Her note on the door etc was just a bit rash and silly and she finds reasons to delay getting professional help for her significant anger management problems.

But at the same time OP is still totally hung up on her DH's failure to send a text. Why is that not put in the "just a bit silly" category like her behaviour? Why does she not factor into her thinking that he probably didn't text because of her anger issues - i.e. he knew it would be met with a massive overreaction? Which makes it even more understandable?

Writerwannabe83 · 18/02/2017 15:01

JHMJ - did he not get in touch with you all day though? At no point did you not get worried that you hadn't heard from him?

If my DH went out to play golf with his mates and still wasn't home by about 9pm and I hadn't heard from him, I would be really worried, let alone hearing nothing until 8am the next morning.

I would never just leave the house, tell my DH I was going somewhere and then not contact him or come home for 24 hours.

Montezumasrevenge · 18/02/2017 15:03

I get this from my dh sometimes. It used to drive me mad and we'd row in the middle of the night, probably waking up the neighbours.
These days it just doesn't happen. I don't ask what time to expect him anymore. I don't contact him whilst he's out. He hides his keys somewhere, lets himself in and sleeps in the spare room.
We're older and wiser these days and I've learned to pick my battles. I trust him, I want him to have a good time whilst his out. And I know he gets the "fuck its" after a few beers. It just isn't the end of the world anymore.

JHMJHM · 18/02/2017 15:08

I spoke to him around 10pm, and I went to bed at 11pm. No, I wasn't worried at all. I wasn't even aware that he wasn't in as I slept in one of the kid's room so I wouldn't be disturbed. His call woke me up. I am going out with my mates a few miles away tonight. I am usually home for midnight. If it gets too late I will stay with them or nearby at my mum's (I would rather do that than roam about on public transport late). Yes, I will text him if that happens to let him know. But no, I wasn't worried.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/02/2017 15:24

I spoke to him around 10pm, and I went to bed at 11pm.

Oh right - your post read as though he'd left in the morning and you didn't hear from him again until the next morning. I see why you weren't worried then.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 18/02/2017 15:53

I am going to get help once baby is here.

Why aren't you seeking help now?

BelarusianDoll · 18/02/2017 15:58

All of you saying "poor guy" etc are trying so hard to be the Cool Girl. It's a little cringey.

This is obviously not an isolated incident for the OP.

HarryElephante · 18/02/2017 16:12

All of you saying "poor guy" etc are trying so hard to be the Cool Girl. It's a little cringey.

Sorry for making you cringe. Hope you're ok. Inbox me, hun.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 18/02/2017 16:24

Gertrude you've quoted me there but the line after said I know that's my problem. I think I've answered all the questions and it's now going round in circles with you ignoring my answers. I do know I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. I hope I can work on that. Marriage is about compromise though and if the only compromise he has to make is being considerate of his wife's feelings then I'm sorry if you feel that's wrong.

OP posts:
CussingQuim · 18/02/2017 16:28

I have severe anxiety and can see echoes of my old self in your posts too, and the way my mum treated and treats my dad.

Please seek more help the moment you can.

I'm sorry for you as it's horrible to experience, but it's not a "simple compromise" on his part - it's obeying your anxiety and that just feeds in to it and makes it worse and worse.

If he vanishes for a few hours, it's not healthy for you to be like this.

You need to work on your reactions for YOUR sake, and for your kids, because they will grow up hating it.

GertrudeBelle · 18/02/2017 16:39

OP I promise that I am reading your answers but disagree that you have owned up to your role in this.

You only go as far as acknowledging that you have an issue. But then you make your anger your DH's problem and say that it is his role to "support" you - which translates as him having to meet your unrealistic expectations and put up with the bullying and controlling temper tantrums which follow. You are asking an awful lot from him. Dressing this up as being considerate minimises the extent of the problem and does him a disservice.

And in the meantime you are doing nothing to resolve the issue yourself.

Luna4689 · 18/02/2017 16:47

Seeking help when the baby is here is the best thing to do. It's unlikely that any medication will help whilst pregnant as of the risks to the baby. I am speaking from experience here.
Give her a break, she's pregnant and feeling down about her marriage.

GertrudeBelle · 18/02/2017 16:51

Luna, I'm not suggesting ADs during pregnancy.

I mean talking therapies, anger management support groups, self-help books, agreeing with her DH that she will not set curfews and then making a positive effort to get on with her evening normally while he is out. All of which she can work on while pregnant.

At the moment she appears to be giving herself a free pass to continue indulging in controlling behaviours for the next 5 months.

GertrudeBelle · 18/02/2017 16:52

And she has a wonderful marriage outside of these issues - which are largely hers. Why not address them?

CussingQuim · 18/02/2017 16:55

Well, there are other options beside medication - CBT, mindfulness courses and so on. They require active thinking and are a PITA in my opinion but can help some people.

But also what will help ultimately is a recognition that anxiety is a horrendous liar and that it's not just up to partners to change their ways to obey anxious demands, because honestly, it doesn't help.

That isn't to say that the OP's partner shouldn't text etc, but that even if he does, there'll be another demand, and another, it's how anxiety works and it's a bugger (another one speaking from experience).

Oddsockspissmeoff · 18/02/2017 16:59

Medication isn't the only solution. There's plenty the Op should and can do to address this before the baby arrives. I've considered divorce over similar behaviour.

JHMJHM · 18/02/2017 16:59

Coping with these levels of anxiety is miserable for you. I am very sorry about your miscarriage- do you think the two things are connected? Did you receive any counselling? Pregnancy is tough, and after loss even more so. Could you be projecting your anxieties about your pregnancy onto this issue? Did your husband acknowledge the sadness of the miscarriage for both of you?

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 18/02/2017 17:15

JHMJHM I have suffered since my teens. I had DD1 then a miscarriage, then lost DD2 's twin, and I'm just starting to relax in this pregnancy. Of course it's all had an affect on my mental health and I did see a counsellor but didn't feel it helped. Medication has helped in the past but I will not risk that during this pregnancy. DH was sad at the time and incredibly supportive but I don't think it's affected him the same way long term iyswim.

OP posts:
HarryElephante · 18/02/2017 17:24

Gertrude is making a lot of sense in this thread. The op would be foolish - nay remiss - to not heed at least a modicum of her advice.

CussingQuim · 18/02/2017 17:28

I've also been anxious my whole life too, and I've had 6 miscarriages smiley. I say that to explain that I really do feel for you, but as someone who's very similar and has also acted similarly in the past, I also think it crosses into abusive behaviour when it reaches these levels. What's your plan for now?

JHMJHM · 18/02/2017 17:29

No it won't have affected him in the same way long term. And that's fine, that's normal. It sounds like he was a good solid partner when it happened which is great. I wonder if you could suggest to him a couple of counselling sessions together, so he could actually 'hear' your anxieties as spoken to a third person rather than 'at' him. Hard to fit stuff like this in when you have little ones but it might be all you need so that you can both make positive changes. Dunno. Maybe he wouldn't want to. Seeing as you can't go out on the razz at the moment a little bit of therapy might even feel like a treat. You need him there though to do it with you.