I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

Coming at this from a slightly different angle. This is such a familiar story. DH and I have no DC but a few of our friends do. DH says he no longer enjoys nights out with his friends who have become dads because as soon as they are 'let out' they go hell for leather and get totally wasted. All three of them claim that they will get a rough time from their DPs anyway so they might as well make it worth the hassle. Everything you describe is familiar to me from the other side - from being on the night out with them. They will get drunker and more and more annoyed as 'curfew' approaches, then make bad decisions like not answering phones/ turning them off etc. None of them are bad guys, they love their DPs and children - they just also love a night out.
Hope you manage to sort things out today.

Writerwanabe: "No, he just needs to text her to say he'll be home later than planned."

I agree that that would be a courteous thing to do. But:

(a) I suspect the OP would still be raging if she was on the receiving end of such a text; and
(b) shit happens - people get carried away and forget the time, miss trains, forget to charge their phones. Not of that merits threats of divorce, locked doors, rage and arguments when the guy is otherwise a great father and husband.

I couldn't live like that.

I've accepted I have issues. We talked and talked and came to a compromise...I've never said he can't have late nights (although I do think 3am is ridiculous) just that to help me a text would be good. I'm going to try and get through this pregnancy then look in to getting help again. But my husband should want to help me too, asking for a text is not controlling.

But your reaction is.

3am is the time that places close. If he doesn't finish till 9 that seems totally fine to me. 5am= ridiculous.
I agree a text is not too much to ask. Maybe he is afraid your response will kill his fun?

Your anxiety is the issue here, whatever he does or doesn't do will at some point become unacceptable to your anxiety.

He should not have made promises, but it could well have been "will you be home for bedtime?" And he's said yes to keep the peace.

Your anxiety is creating a hellish situation, and understandably he's beginning to rebel against your control.

You will lose him unless you sort your issues out.

Worse, you will pass the same behaviour to your dc.

Enough. You have got this, it's not going to be easy (I know, I've had agoraphobia and it's bloody hard to fight the fear) but what's the alternative?

He can't live like this. He shouldn't have to.

Neither should you, but this is actually in your hands to be able to do something about it.

Maybe he is afraid your response will kill his fun?

Got to be the crux, surely.

Hi Smiley I know how you feel my OH used to do this to me a lot and I understand how it can make you feel when you have been let down. He's not as bad now and even when he does do it I am a lot better at handling it because I think it's him just not thinking and a lot of men are guilty of that and I won't let myself get stressed about it anymore. Your not alone :)

Ack OP what a shame you can't get past your assertions about how your husband should behave.

I am not wishing it on you (you really do sound like you have a lovely life together) but nothing's been sorted and your relationship could easily founder because of this one minor thing.

So, your husband has been penitent (as he knows he must be the morning after) and you seem suitably mollified that he has 'respected' you.

Fast forward to next time he goes out and this wretched scenario plays itself out again. This occasion resulted in a 'I'm dumping you' note on the door. What will next one result in?

Sounds like insecurity rather than anxiety to me.

I think your DH was out of order to be a couple of hours later than he said. But it's not a dumpable offence. You need to keep some perspective OP anxiety or not it's not fair to your DH to overreact like that, or at least pause and reflect that you might be overreacting.

I don't think the bloke can win either way, he was a bit late and yes should have rang or text but I think he knew the reaction would be awful and couldn't face it. So there's changes needed on both sides

I was trying to get at what gertrudebelle and doublemint said, anxiety doesn't seem to be the crux of it. OP on your last thread I think I suggested to dig out your old CBT notes/worksheets and refresh yourself on some of the techniques you learned. It only works long term if you keep up applying it.

Nope. Female, married with a DH, he and I both go out and have drinks with friends without setting curfews, we both get tipsy from time to time.

We live and let live.

It is much easier than being married to someone who texts me while I am out, is desperately awaiting my return at a fixed time and can't entertain themselves without me, and is angry if I stay out late or past a curfew forced on me.

Nope. Definitely not the OP's DH. As I've said, I couldn't live like that.

Would it help you to know where he is, even if you don't know when he will be home? So last night, if you'd seen he was on the train, then in the local pub, would that have helped at all?

DH, I and Uni-age DDs all use the Life360 app - www.life360.com/ and we can all usually see where each other are - helpful if we are picking up from train stations for example, as you don't actually have to text for an update on location - you can just see where they are.

When any of us travel then we can see that we've arrived or got back safely. You can also request a check in - and see how much battery power someone has left on their phone.

Both DH and I can work quite late sometimes, and whilst we will usually text to say we are on the way back, if I'm running for a train, I rely on him being able to see that I'm on the move, which takes the pressure off a bit.

Pfft he's gone to work. We had a cuddle and I cried. He apologised about being late. I really do understand I am a big part of the problem but he's not blameless. Please everyone, I didn't ask him about times etc yesterday, he told me 7pm on his own and then rocked home at nearly 10pm. I'm not going to throw away my marriage because of this, I am going to get help once baby is here. If he continues to do it I'm sure it will cause the end but I won't give up til I've had some help.

He has broken your rules, because your rules are unreasonable.

Make life easier for both of you - change the rules.

Thing is OP you might have thrown away your marriage if your DH had come back at 8.30pm last night to find himself locked or with a note on the door telling him that his marriage was over.

That would have crossed a line for me, and many others I suspect. You may have been a hair's breadth away from ending your marriage in a fit of pique, saved (ironically) by the fact that he came back a bit later.

You urgently need help to control your anger Why wait for another 20 weeks until this pregnancy is over? You'll have a newborn and even less time then. You need to grasp the nettle now.

I will have more time as I'm going to take a month or two off from my self employed business. I will be happier to take AD's as they have helped me feel better in the past.

I showed him the note and told him what I'd done. Obviously it was a bit rash and silly.

Give him a taste of his own medicine ur pregnant so go pamper urself tell him u will b bk in an hour then turn ur phone of and spend the whole day pampering ursel don't go home for hours and when u come home and he's pissed of that he cudni get u and was worried , tell him that's how u feel every time he does it , it may click a switch n he might start respecting u , on the other hand if he was to go out and tell u a time I wud think right he ain't gonna b bk by then so you not getting so wound up when he does it again and if he is bk on time it will b a pleasant surprise

That would be great blessed but we don't have a day off together (I have weekends he has midweek).

OP. I asked you a couple of hours ago if you could cope with him leaving for the day - wish him well and agree not to wait up. You were honest enough to say you couldn't.
It is that - that makes your behaviour not 'normal' . For most of us in ltr- when we go out, we don't want to feel that our partners are in anyway putting limits on our behaviour. Any demands of that nature ARE controlling. By making demands that are unnecessary in that he isn't required to be at home for any particular reason other than you wish it to be so.
This is in contrast to 'making arrangements ' - for example ; your DH has a late afternoon meeting and you have made plans to go out. He agrees to arrive home by 6:30 in order to bath and put dcs to bed giving you time to get ready and go out at 7:15. - He then rolls up at 8. Now THAT is disrespectful. He has deliberately ignored your arrangement, hasn't called to explain why he would be late and all in all given no consideration to you and your plans. In this scenario you are justified in being extremely cross.

However in the situation you describe it seems you wish to dictate terms . This is unfair.
You have been given a lot of advice to 'own' your issues of anxiety. This is excellent advice. I am concerned that you are only listening to people who agree with you. Sadly - from ALL the couples I have ever known (and I'm quite old) where the DW/DH insists on this this type of 'monitoring ' the 'monitored party' finally gets completely fed up and either leaves OR has an affair and leaves. If you want to save your marriage (and you may have other reasons why you don't) i would seriously recommend getting some talking therapy/cbt as soon as possible. This really is your issue not his.

That would be great blessed but we don't have a day off together (I have weekends he has midweek).

When do you get to spend time together?

Marilyn why is it so different when we had plans to have tea together (that I'd lovingly cooked) and watch a tv series rock and roll ? Disrespectful no? When I said (after he had said he'd be home for bedtime) that I'd have tea ready to eat once the girls were asleep.

I promise I'm not just listening to people who are agreeing with me, although grateful that some people have and I'm not totally insane. I have taken on board I need help and I will seek it, some posters have been quite nasty though.

Writer we spend time together in the morning and between 10pm-midnight ish on the days he works. On the days he is off we have longer as I don't work as long hours and he sometimes helps me at work.

If the problem is not the going out, but the not coming home by an agreed time, the solution appears to be simple.

Don't set a time for him to be home.

Could you do that?