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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to end it don't I?

320 replies

smileygrapefruit · 17/02/2017 20:13

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

OP posts:
Inneedofaholiday2017 · 18/02/2017 21:57

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Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 18/02/2017 22:01

Really nice of you, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
zaffa87 · 18/02/2017 22:14

I don't think it's fair to claim those three users are ganging up on the OP. Whether you are willing to accept the blame or not OP you marriage may very well fall apart because your husband will feel (and may very well already feel) suffocated. You say you feel anxious, but you don't describe anxiety. You describe a need to control your husband, to know what he is doing all the time and to make him obey your will, and you use emotional manipulation to do it. Truly imagine the tables were turned - could you live like this? Having to constantly account for your whereabouts, treading on egg shells for fear of upsetting him? I know it's hard to hear - but it sounds like abuse. And that's not me projecting - I'm only saying that based on the things you've said and the behavior you've described that you engage in. What will you do when your children refuse to toe the line and check in every five mins? Will they be locked out or ranted at?
What help besides medication are you seeking out to deal with your behavior? Have you ever asked your husband how he feels to be treated the way you treat him, instead of focusing on telling him how you feel? What did he say?

HarryElephante · 18/02/2017 22:15

If you ignore harry, oven chips and Gertrude bells then you have a balanced response from people. These 3 posters have ganged up on you (and TBH seem like the same person) - just ignore them

Dear me.

Anyway, op, if you have been offended by anything I have said, then maybe you need to look at why that is. I expect you won't, though.

But, good luck with everything and I wish you well.

ocelot7 · 19/02/2017 10:28

Looking at this objectively, Ovenchips & Gertrude have been particularly helpful by gently challenging the OP & Cussing particularly sage because she has similar issues and has had similar situations. There is some synergy in what they are saying

I was particularly struck by Cussing saying - from experience - anxiety must not be fed. To some extent the OP is resisting this by putting off addressing it till after the baby - when she will have much less time as dealing with 3 kids. I can see how this anxiety, plus the note and what went into it, can destroy a marriage needlessly or at least everyone lives in misery for years because of it. Either of which is a tragedy. I'm dismayed about you saying you can pretend not to be anxious (even if there's something in faking it till you make it) rather than tackling the issues around the anxiety. And on top of that it gets transferred to anxiety about the DCs when they start to go out Independently... OP have you really really accepted to get help to make changes in yourself?

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 10:29

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Inneedofaholiday2017 · 19/02/2017 10:29

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ocelot7 · 19/02/2017 10:35

Just looked at yr other thread OP where you say yr anxiety about him going out relates to having been cheated on by previous partners. That's understandable - for a while. But not for the length of time it takes to have 2 kids and a third on the way! I've talked to a friend about this after her 2 previous partners cheated & its taken over 2 years for her to really believe her lovely current partner is not that kind of man. She jokes they are only still together because I kept talking the anxiety down. Its also accepting there is no such thing as 100% surety - but we can live with it...

ocelot7 · 19/02/2017 10:36

Do you mean me in need? I think you'll find I'm a MN poster of many many years under this name!! Look me up

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 10:41

I said that could be a part of it but also that I trust that he wouldn't do that. Anxiety and depression have affected me for a long long time and there are many contributing factors and at the same time is totally irrational.

OP posts:
Nospringflower · 19/02/2017 10:42

And I agree with posters such as Gertrude. I think the OP doesn't really take on board some of the constructive comments.

I also think that while the OP says she has long standing anxiety problems the emotion she describes is predominantly anger and the thoughts are angry thoughts - he's not showing me respect, he lied etc - rather than anxiety driven.

CBT should be good at helping identify thinking errors and challenging these.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 10:46

Perhaps when writing it down I sound angry but believe me if you went through the feelings I do you would know it was anxiety. Shaking, hyperventilating, being sick, crying. I guess I'm angry at the fact he knows how it makes me feel and still does it.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 19/02/2017 10:50

Do you think your expectations of him are reasonable, OP?

HarryElephante · 19/02/2017 10:50

I guess I'm angry at the fact he knows how it makes me feel and still does it.

Have you asked him why? What did he say?

ovenchips · 19/02/2017 10:51

It isn't acceptable to troll hunt InNeedOfAHoliday2017 and I'm reporting your posts.

So first we were the DH and now we are all sock puppets? It's dim witted in the extreme to think 2/3/4 of us are the same people when a quick check would show there are long-term individual posting histories.

Unless you think I/we set this up years ago just waiting for this particular poster (who I don't know from Adam) to post? That's quite the long game.

I regret wasting my time posting on this thread as the OP has clearly shown in recent responses she wanted replies like the troll-hunter's. Lacking in insight and enabling and just, well, dim. Lesson learned for me there.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 10:53

He gets carries away/loses track of time/someone got him another drink when he was about to leave/his phone died/waited for a lift instead of paying for a taxi....

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 19/02/2017 10:55

Inneedofaholiday - ah yes let's all tell the OP what she wants to hear, and ignore those that disagree Hmm

No

The fact is she's emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling. Her anxiety crops up every time her poor husband has the odd evening out and she gets the strop because he isn't home before the children's bed time

I would be moritified with myself if I was the OP. And I would want other posters to be honest with me. It was clear from her first thread she wanted everyone to agree with her and it was the same on this one.

SparklingRaspberry · 19/02/2017 10:57

He gets carries away/loses track of time/someone got him another drink when he was about to leave/his phone died/waited for a lift instead of paying for a taxi....

No that's what he just tells you to make his life a little easier.

The truth is he stays out later than his 'allowed time' because he wants to enjoy some time to himself and let off steam, but he knows you're gunna give him an ear full because of your anxiety/jealousy so he tells you the usual excuses to try and avoid that.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 10:57

oven don't project your anger towards inneed onto me. I was grateful for her sticking up for me when feeling vulnerable and upset by some of the comments. But once again you've chosen to pick and choose which parts of my posts to read and which to ignore. I have found some of what you have said helpful, some harsh and unnecessary, but I have taken it all on board

OP posts:
Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 10:59

Harry asked a question and I answered it.

OP posts:
HarryElephante · 19/02/2017 11:01

You may think it harsh what ovenchips is saying (although I disagree), op, but it's also very necessary for you to hear it.

SaltBae · 19/02/2017 11:01

I know everyone else has said it but holy fuck you sound completely and utterly mad.

I can't believe you put a note on your door telling your OH to bugger off for being three hours late - you said yourself he doesn't go out often why can't you just accept he'll be home late on the days he does go out?

You need help for his sake and yours - I wouldn't want to come home either if I had to come home to a total drama because I wanted to stay out just a little bit later...

HarryElephante · 19/02/2017 11:03

The truth is he stays out later than his 'allowed time' because he wants to enjoy some time to himself and let off steam, but he knows you're gunna give him an ear full because of your anxiety/jealousy so he tells you the usual excuses to try and avoid that

Give him a platform in which to be honest, op, and I'd wager this is the answer you'd get as to why he doesn't call.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 19/02/2017 11:06

Wow, calling someone with mental health issues completely mad. How pleasant are you.

OP posts:
ovenchips · 19/02/2017 11:10

I wasn't projecting anger. I was narked with you too. You were thanking her for her posts which included direct troll-hunting/ accusing of sock puppeting. As the OP I don't that's on or in the spirit of people posting on these boards.