I need to end it don't I?

[smileygrapefruit]

So I posted less than a month ago(!) about DH staying out later than he said he would and my anxiety regarding this. I genuinely thought we had gotten through to each other last time. Today he left at 9am for a corporate works do thing, it would involve food and drink and would go on to about 5ish, he said he'd probably go for a beer with the boss after but wouldn't be late. He rang at around 3.30pm saying he'd had a great time, him and the boss were going to pop for a beer and get the train home. He spoke to our 3 year old DD and told her he'd be home for bedtime. Well guess what, both kids are asleep now and he's not home. I've managed not to ring him since 6ish (really hard for me) when i tried to get through to check he'd made the train (he didn't have signal as it tried to connect and then went to voicemail) and my anxiety has been growing and growing since then. I am shaking and feel sick. He's not only lied to me but now to our children. I have locked the door and put a note outside basically telling him I'm done. I'm too angry/hurt/upset to even talk to him right now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my marriage but I know that's what I need to do. Also didn't mention in my previous post that I am 20 weeks pregnant!! I can't stop crying. Why would he do this???

Sorry Cussing

My plan for right now has been managing to look after DCs after no sleep and panic attacks. Once they are in bed I am going to have a bath and read a book, try to relax. DH will be home from work around 11pm and we will have a cuddle on the sofa. Until I get professional help I am going to make sure not to question DH about what time he'll be home and try to deal with my feelings on my own. It can only happen max 4 times between now and baby coming I guess.

Hey the fact that after kids and all the sad times you have been through you are still having cuddles on the sofa says a lot of positive things. Better than an 8am Worsley Roundabout call. :)

Sending you very best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy OP. Halfway there, keep going strong.

thank you. He is a great guy most of the time! I hated him last night, I really did, but like I've said I'm not going to throw away an otherwise good marriage and good man over this just yet. If I can't work through my issues then one of us may have enough but with all my heart I don't want that to happen.

Well done on pushing through, I've had 2 nights this week of no sleep after panic attacks and it's debilitating at best.

Could you talk to your GP and ask them for their advice too? They might be able to put you on course for some more CBT or something (though there's always an absurd waiting list).

If you have a phone, how about trying the headspace app? Like I said I'm not too sure about mindfulness etc but other people swear by it.

Do you have any friends or family you could spend time with the next time he goes out? Plan in advance an active way of not letting your brain stew so much.

It's not about not questioning your partner either, because that risks going into martyr-like behaviour which will hurt you both (I've done this too). By all means ask what his plans are but I think the key for your sake is to work on your anxiety for if those plans fall through, if you see what I mean?

Cussing that sounds sensible.

OP why don't you get yourself an emergency package to be opened only when your DH is awol. So favourite chocolate, nibbles, a new DVD, and a note allowing you to spend £x on something frivolous online. Think ahead about who you might call to have a chat to while your DH is out. Download a new app/game on your phone. Listen to an audiobook at bedtime so that you have something to distract you as you fall asleep.

It really could be a nice evening.

to you too cussing

I don't want to be a martyr either. I don't know, just reading the responses apparently I should should be cool with not knowing for hours on end where he is or whether he's coming home. I'm not cool with that. I doubt I ever will be. But maybe I can pretend for a few months?

I have got myself a big tub on Ben and jerrys cookie dough for tonight

Well, sometimes "fake it till you make it" works, so definitely try it!

But in an ideal universe you'd tackle this anxiety itself because it can be a monster and could grow and attack other things (like, one day, your kids going out somewhere - trust me, they won't appreciate it).

FWIW I agree with posters who say it's polite to tell your partner your plans, and basic decency in a partnership to stick to them, especially when there are pregnancies and tiny children involved.

But I don't think it's about being a "cool wife" as such when things go wrong. They way you say "whether he's coming home", that's your anxiety and paranoia talking, and it's lying to you by saying he might not. He's always come home so far, all his stuff is there, you're there, you have a family together, what are the real chances of him not doing so?

God, I know this is easier said than done - I once had a full-on panic attack because DH went for a walk, had his phone on silent, and I was convinced he'd been killed in an accident or something.

I had to work at "letting" him go out (because it is a control issue) without knowing when he would be back, and without a phone, and honestly it was hard and sometimes still is - but it's gotten easier. And when I've been cross, it's genuinely been at myself not him. He's not doing anything wrong by having a life. But anxiety is a horrible liar and the more you give in and placate it, the worse it gets.

(Also, enjoy the Ben and Jerry's, they stopped selling it near us, outrageous!! )

reading the responses apparently I should should be cool with not knowing for hours on end where he is or whether he's coming home

No, no. It's not about "being cool". It's about letting go, trust, mutual respect.

I honestly, honestly believe that if you cool your reactions and find coping mechanisms to not feel the "wash" of terror that I know you feel when he's saying "out for a few drinks after work next Friday, that ok with you love?" then it will take the heat out of the situation.

Going AWOL is unacceptable, granted, but a pre-10pm appearance after just under three hours of AWOLness does not EVER warrant either party writing a not declaring the marriage over.

Be very careful what you wish for OP. Shock tactics can backfire. Seek help NOW x

Also, OP, you may find that playing it cool means that your DH doesn't dread coming home to a row if he's a bit late. So he may end up coming back earlier because he said not so apprehensive about how you are going to treat him.

The other thing which struck me from your post is that we're not saying that you shouldn't talk to him about your anxiety. There's a difference between discussing it with him and taking it out on him.

So, eg, the night after he's been out you can say "I had a bit of a tough time last night, but I tried this coping strategy which helped a bit. Maybe next time I'll do x again, or y". It doesn't have to be completely internalised but equally it is your issue, not his, to solve.

It's hard to read your responses OP! You started the thread in a terrible state last night - you were going to end your marriage. An awful lot of people have posted about some obvious issues you need to address. I say obvious, because it is to outsiders, but I fully concede that the issues are far from obvious to you as you're completely tangled up in it all.

Each time you admit there is some cause and effect happening you then also defend your actions. Each post has been a reframing of the evening. There's been quite a few - in one post it's the lying you can't take, another, it's the lying to your children you can't take, then it's the disrespect when you've cooked and were going to watch Netflix, then the drunkeness, then it's the arriving late, then it's the lack of contact, then it's the not knowing whether he's coming home.

It isn't a specific act your DH seems to be doing otherwise I think you'd be having the same complaint in each post. I think the most accurate description is you don't like or want him going out for more than a couple of drinks. It has a very strong psychological effect on you.

It really isn't just one little thing that your husband is doing/ not doing and if he would just...(fill in gap) then your evening would be okay. It wouldn't. You'd be a hot mess the next time too because it's everything related to him going out for more than a couple of drinks. Everything.

When you had your talk/ cuddle with your DH this morning, I hope there was recognition of feelings on both sides. It's not about your DH apologising to you and you accepting his apology. It's seeing how a dysfunctional 'game' has been created by you and is being reenacted by both of you each time it builds up to your husband going out again.

Anyway, I am glad you're going to be relaxing tonight, it must be very draining to have such explosive emotions each time. I sincerely hope you are able to make some changes, otherwise what's that phrase? 'If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got'?

I don't want to be a martyr either. I don't know, just reading the responses apparently I should should be cool with not knowing for hours on end where he is or whether he's coming home. I'm not cool with that. I doubt I ever will be. But maybe I can pretend for a few months?

You're clearing hearing what you want to hear and you come across as a little bit of a victim willing to take no responsibliity. People are taking time and suggesting a ton of constructive stuff. Read it and heed it.

But ultimately, unless you are honest with yourself and your husband, this issue will probably drag on and on.

Each time you admit there is some cause and effect happening you then also defend your actions. Each post has been a reframing of the evening. There's been quite a few - in one post it's the lying you can't take, another, it's the lying to your children you can't take, then it's the disrespect when you've cooked and were going to watch Netflix, then the drunkeness, then it's the arriving late, then it's the lack of contact, then it's the not knowing whether he's coming home.

ovenchips the lying and really drunkenness are the problems. The being late and lack of contact are the lies. The not being home to do what we planned to do is the effect of the lies. I've not changed my stance on anything. And yes I was in a terrible state last night and yes I know that's not normal. He was in the wrong last night and my reaction was wrong. We both apologised for our wrongdoings.

Harry I have read all the responses and I have taken responsibility. I have admitted that and said I will try harder for now and then get help. You have obviously chosen to ignore those parts of my posts.

Have you asked your husband why he didn't contact you, OP? What did he say?

You need to get to the bottom of why he feels it necessary to go NC on a night out.

His phone died. It did, it's crap.

But if that happened to me and I knew I was going to be much later than I'd said I would have borrowed a phone to send a quick text. He has my business card in his wallet so had my number if he doesn't know it. I asked him this morning how he would feel if it were me, he thought about it and said he'd be worried and after 3 hours probably quite upset that I hadn't contacted. So I know I am not being unreasonable for that part.

His phone died. It did, it's crap

You say he goes NC on a night out all the time. Is it always because of his phone? Get him a new phone and your problems are solved. If not, ask him why this happens. And be prepared for some hard truths. Which I am not sure you are particularly prepared for.

Get him a battery pack for his phone.

I think you could do with a counsellor perhaps? Then you could work out some coping mechanisms that unless it's e.g. The second time in a fortnight that you accept this is about your anxiety not your oh being rude and awful, and you need to manage the anxiety not make your oh have to lead his entire life to fit in with it? In the nicest possible way!

Op my take is that you need to step away from this thread - you are getting some awful abuse you don't deserve on it and it's only going to make you feel worse.

Abuse and the internet go hand in hand. Get off the internet if you (one) can't handle it.

But the op is also getting a LOT of sound advice.

Harry this poor women already has poor mental health and she was completely in the right here - as many posters have said. You keep getting at her tho - step away and bully someone else.

Thanks holiday there have been some really nasty comments that have upset me but also some supportive and kind and helpful comments too. Perhaps I needed to hear some of the not so nice comments but I do feel some have ignored my answers to questions and continued to basically call me crazy