Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

@OhMy2017 I used to but only cause I was fucking terrified of him.

He hasn't seen him now for quite some time and hopefully it will stay that way.

SO

Exciting news... we're moving! Same area, just a bugger house (3 bed) with front and back gardens. It's a main road, but a quieter street if that makes any sense at all. And it's much much bigger. Though I will miss this house. It was mine and DS's taste of freedom. It holds a lot of memories, both good and bad. He is very excited though. His bedroom is down a corridor and it's all he's been talking about!

And also, 20 week scan on thurs. can't wait to find out what we're having!

Ohb..... yes that's exactly it. I feel terrified of him. Logically though, he should ask right?

Many congratulations of your new home xx

Mine told the DC a couple of weekends ago that they could see him on Father's Day...Hmmmm...
So yesterday I sent a txt to him saying "DC will arrive at this time and be back home by this time". Took away his control completely - I asked him to confirm the txt and received a simple meek "ok". Is better when I just TELL him how it is!

Yeah it's my weekend though. I keep going over this in my head as he's a narc. Surely, he should ask?

It's my weekend too, but I'm letting the DC choose and they want to visit. I feel ok about it, as it's on my terms. Would prefer to have them here, but I have to remember it's about them, not me! Not always easy tho.

Yes I see.... dc saying they don't want to see him. I guess I'm not obliged to offer time to him and he should ask if wanted to see dc

Oh FFS, now MIL is getting involved. We have a complicated relationship, but I had felt that she understood why I left and the issues which have arisen since, despite the fact that I recognise she has to support her son.

An issue with the phone tonight has led to her texting me to say " DD1 is reluctant to speak to WN because Mummy, Grandma and Auntie X don't want to talk to him. She thinks she might upset them if she does! The situation is full of contradictions. Maybe she is wrong to love Daddy. I'm not passing judgement, just trying to see things through DD1's eyes"

DD1 doesn't want to talk to him because he is a needy, unreasonable, selfish WN, who is completely lacking in self awareness and empathy for others.

I sooo want to respond, but I know that I shouldn't as it will just inflame things even further and it is not in DD's interests. I have been working very hard to maintain her relationship with MIL, which since she was born has been mutual adoration. I'm so upset. Even though I have been lucky enough to get justice for his behaviour through the legal system, I still feel a such a sense of injustice at the fact that he can paint me as the bad guy to everyone and get sympathy.

I am also doubting myself now, maybe DD does feel that way? If so, then I hate that she feels she can't talk to me about it.

That sounds SOOOOO awful - it would get right under my skin too. How old is DD? From the outside it sounds like his mum CANNOT and WILL NOT ever accept that he is less than perfect. Of course it's hot to be you who's in the wrong, because the minute she says he's a bit unreasonable that reflects on her and her parenting of him. It takes a big person to do that. She and him sound cut from the same cloth.
I'd take at least 48 hrs to think about if / how to respond. Someone here will have good advice.
Thinking of you. At least you're freer of him. x

And yes, I'm clearly the baddy too (I left the WN and he promptly went round telling mutual friends that I was the best wife, whilst sobbing...) but I'm a baddy living in a happy house with happy kids and a happier life!
Baddy's rock! . Doormats (MIL) don't have time to rock - they're too busy being subservient and enabling to completely entitled male twats...

Baddy's
Baddies!!

Overdue, I'd been inclined to text her something fairly terse like "That is not helpful". And leave it at that. She's overstepped the mark. You need to make that clear, but not engage with her any further on the matter. Presumably she wants to maintain the relationship with her granddaughter, so frankly she needs to make an effort to keep you onside too.

Came in to go "grrrrr" at my ex here so I can appear serenely indifferent in my (minimal) communications with him. The school summer fair falls on his day. He won't swap, although I offered, with no real hope. He won't make a commitment to take her. She needs to know today because she is due to take part in a gymnastics display and dancing display and it affects the choreography. She is very upset because she really wants to do it, and the uncertainty is worse than an outright "no".

He's saying he won't go because the teachers were all meeeaaan about him in court (the School raised its own concerns with Social Services about him emotionally abusing her). I think I'm meant to rush in to stroke his ego and say it's a misunderstanding and they think he's wonderful, so he can wave it around and tell people I lied in court. I'm not going to, because if he doesn't fancy it, he just won't bother anyway - he will says it's either because I didn't remind him enough or nagged him to much. Or both.

Eight years, people. Eight years since I left.

"She" means dd(9).

biblio that sounds awful. We had something similar in that DD wanted to go and say goodbye to her school friends (we had left suddenly). The headteacher and everyone was on board with it, but WN refused to do is as he was worried about how the staff would treat him after his assault conviction. In the end he gave in because DD was so upset (she was with him at the time). I realise that my story doesn't help you, and I don't know what to suggest, but you are not alone.

It makes my blood boil that a father could be so cruel to his child. WNs are so short sighted that they can't/won't see that they are setting themselves up for a lifetime of resentment from their DC all for the sake of a brief moment of power over us

but I'm a baddy living in a happy house with happy kids and a happier life!

Thanks Teabay. This has really put it in perspective for me.

• I have tried my best
• I am doing the right thing for my DC

I will keep telling myself this over and over again.

Thanks, Overdue. It does help to hear other people having similar experiences.

Well, WN's girlfriend is pregnant. Due just over a month after me.

Nice announcement on Facebook 'DS name is going to be a big brother'... he hasn't seen him in nearly 2 fucking years. I'm fuming. DS's little brother is kicking away right now thank you very much.

DP & my friends seem to think this makes it even less likely he will want to be involved with DS. Any thoughts.

Posted this on my other thread...

I'm allowing myself today to wallow then getting a grip as of tomorrow.

I just feel so beaten, even though nothing has actually happened.

Obviously I hope he doesn't ever get back in touch, but I'm just a serious worry wart. If he does take me to court I worry about my DS, I worry I won't handle the court process, and I worry he will end up with DS full time. My son is my heart and soul and he couldn't give a shit about him. As evidenced in the fact that he hasn't applied to court after being told I'm not willing to facilitate contact.

I worry that my being nice previously though fear and verbally agreeing to contact and being amicable will go against me, even though it was just to keep him on side whilst I took legal advice.

Would cafcass take my concerns seriously if it came to that? My main concern is obviously him threatening to mentally abuse him/turn him against me. And not return him. Are these valid reasons, along with everything else mentioned for me to have stopped contact? Although that ship has certainly sailed since it's been so long.

I do wish there was some way of seeing into the future. In an ideal world contact would be happy and healthy for DS but I don't feel it would be. I know I have to protect him but being to worried all the time and feeling like I'm treading on eggshells is marring his childhood to me, and this is time I will never get back, but at the same time I just cannot shake it from my head.

I'm afraid I have no idea how the courts will look at it ohbollocks but I would hope that common sense would apply. Have social services/school psychologist/doctors etc been involved? If so have any of them agreed that contact with him is damaging to your DC? Has he made his threats by text, messenger/email or verbally? If the threats are always verbal take to recording every conversation you have with him from now on. Even if you aren't allowed to use the actual recordings in court (there is some difficulty about the admissibility of recordings made without consent) you can use the recordings to give a verbatim affidavit saying exactly what threats he's made and you then have the recordings as evidence if he says you are lying.

So weekend staying contact not established and request for an ad hoc extra consecutive night. How would you handle?

I need someone's advice.....

This has been an on and off relationship for a few years unfortunately 2 children are involved. The other night I was exhausted on the settee so I kept closing and opening my eyes I looked up and he was getting up and looked back and just went upstairs and to bed....I messaged him saying have you just gone upstairs without saying anything....his reply .... YES IM IN BED you were fucking sleeping just come to fucking bed....anyway I decided to ignore his polite offer and stayed downstairs until the younger one had woke for a bottle.

In the morning I just didn't want to speak to him he came in and said "you need to change your attitude because I'm going to leave" I was like my attitude? Sorry? Anyway he said I'm always miserable etc he went off to work then received texts saying he's not doing it any longer he wants to wipe the slate clean with someone else so he's not called abusive bully and no good. I said what because you are those things when we get in an argument....

Anyway I messaged him and said what's the point in talking if you have already made your decision....he was supposed to finish at 10 and I was outside having a cig (stress) and he could see my texts sneakily behind me (I didn't even know he had came in) he was like who are those laughs faces to are you taking the piss out of me (it was my brother and a totally irrelevant to him) I said none of your business he slammed my phone down and said tell me now, he said your sons feet are cold is that all you do sit outside on your phone and smoke and pushed my sons feet in my face. He then contunuined to ask me who I was messaging and prodded me hard in the side .... things escalated as I wasn't reacting the way he wanted being abusive etc I said I was going to phone his dad he snatched the phone out of my hand and I literally had to fight him to get it. Anyway he kept coming behind me saying I'm going to drag you out of this house I'm not living with you. (So basically throwing me and 2 children out of a 3 bed house so he can move a mate in....)

Anyway his dad eventually comes and my OH went don't pretend to shake and cry when my dad comes. I tell his dad he tries to make things calm tells him he needs to go back on his meds then suggests we go for a coffee to clear the air...I obviously don't but do it for his dad it doesn't help. Anyway I said I want to do this amicably for the kids (the split) my OH storms out and comes back an hour later with a take out coffee and I say to him listen I just want to be friends and sort this out.

Today he comes in from his break pulls his thing out on the sofa and I go and ignore him pick my son up from summer school come back and he suggests we go upstairs for sex??? Is he living on another planet. I need advice how do I get him out??

Also can I just confirm is he a narcissist or am I just being over sensitive?

I really can't cope with my ex - he's just so controlling and a liar

We were going along with him paying the mortgage in lieu of maintenance- I'm paying everything else including covering all our DMP payments and arrears on utilities etc - I also paid off mortgage arrears.

He doesn't see ds as ex fil hit him -- ds got no Christmas presents as he didn't go over there but dd is spoiled and have gifts and treats rained down on her.

He called mortgage co and said he could only afford £50 - he lied about his out goings - he forgets I have his out goings from when we went to mediation.

He threatens to 'takes things further' when he can't get his way

He makes dd feel guilty when she would rather see her friends than go to his parents for tea

He lied to the mediator so I've told her I don't think we are getting anywhere and I've asked a solicitor to do a consent order etc

When we first split he brought his parents over and took dishes and pans we were given 18 years ago when we moved in

He was emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive when we were together. He allowed his parents to not speak to me and none of them thought it was right that I got to university to study nursing - I should looked after my husband and children and have a nice little job instead

I just need to rant!

How are we all?

I was just checking in to see if the thread had been updated. I've been lurking here for months, and found reading other's posts to be a source of support, despite being unable to post anything myself due to stalker WN.

Really not feeling good today. I'm angry, wrung out, and devastated that DC is subject to the brunt of WN's abuse since I went grey rock. But at least I do know that I'm doing all I can for DC, and I'm even beginning to feel better about myself now. Onward and upward. Hope others on this thread are okay!

Hi mighty
I'm glad you've found this thread again - I've been needing it after some sneaky mother's Day shit my ex WN pulled.
Will update more later, am interested to hear your advice.
How is everyone else? I've missed your advice!

I'm still here!