Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

I have to say, this is the most in depth article I've ever read about narcissists! It's amazing, I found it on Sunday and it's given me a new level of understanding and a better ability to emotionally distance myself from stbxwn and his current actions!! Please please please read it!
I
www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

Attica Your son is old enough to make his own mind up about contact so I'd decline mediation if I were you and let your ex take you to court if he wants, then your son will be able to say he wants visitation the way he wants it and as he's wanting a reasonable amount of contact I highly doubt any Judge would rule against it.

Green and Natsku thank you. I emailed my solicitor and she says that the court will require us to have a mediation session before any court hearing but she's worked with the mediation company before and she's told me to detail his behaviour to them and they will act accordingly. His lies are becoming more and more obvious and he's alienating DS so is turning into his own worst enemy. DS told me yesterday his dad had in fact spoken to him about living arrangements, DS told him he wanted to go with what I'd proposed, but H has chosen to ignore him and book mediation anyway. Idiot. How can I have been in a relationship with this person for 15 years and only now be seeing what he's truly like. Never again.

Great links above. Thx.

Sending love to you all, happy Easter!

And lots of WN repellant!

Happy Easter and No-Narcs to all!

Aaggghh he's broken the restraining order again. To be fair he probably thinks he can get away with it because the police still haven't arrested him for the first breach almost 3 weeks ago .

As the DC are away with him this week, I took the opportunity to go out with my Dsis. The only day we could do was yesterday and it just so happened to be our wedding anniversary. I've never been fussed about our WA mainly because he used our wedding night to accuse me of having a secret affair with my cousin. He sent me a text from DD's phone saying "don't use DD to get back at WN in future please". I ignored it and he tried to get me to delete it claiming it was mean't for his DM. He has now admitted that it was mean't for me and he was upset I went out on our WA. It is just such mind-blowing arrogance that he thinks everything I do is directed at him and the world revolves around him

I have reported it to the police and the fact that he keeps trying to talk to me during DDs facetime.

I am just so cross and upset; I really feel as though this is never going to end. I can't face another 15 years of this.

Anyway, moan over. I hope everyone had a peaceful and enjoyable Easter x

Good link Don'tsay.

I hope everyone had a good Easter.
I just had an argument with my narc which may be the most middle class and petty thing ever - because he refused to give me the school's bank details to pay DS's school fees and insisted that I transfer the money to him instead. I transferred the money to him and said fine, you sort it then but he's now thrown a hissy fit and said its my problem now. Well, I don't have the money anymore its in your account, wanker.

nearly well, quite!

overdue have the police done anything this time? It really makes me angry how things are supposed to be in place to protect us, they violate that and nobody does anything so they just carry on.

No advice on how to get through the next 15 years I'm afraid, but a shedload of solidarity. The WN-ery is truly hurtful over here and I have similar thoughts. I'm going to try to get on with my life regardless, but we all know that's easier said than done.

Overdue I cant believe he hasn't been arrested for breaching the restraining order, how rubbish is that.

I am waiting for the Freedom Programme to start again in my area. This threads helps but everything I've read says that the best thing you can do is talk to others in this situation in RL.

My WN has "unfriended" me on facebook. He must be in a major strop with me to do that, as showing off on social media is so important to him- thats how he gets a lot of his supply.

Got the DC back after a week with WN . He also sent DC1 school uniform, so at least he has got the message that she will be starting school here next week, and not in September as he was proposing.

green I've called the police for an update for the last two days and have never been called back. I had to report it to my local force, but as it took place in another force (300 miles away) it has to be dealt with by them. The issue has been that neither police force wants to deal with it and it has been tossed back and forth between the two. I now know that the officer dealing with it is the one who dealt with the original assault when I left. He was supposed to call me when he came on duty yesterday, but I haven't heard anything. He was rather disinterested when I reported the assault, so I doubt he is interested in this.

My solicitor wants to write to the Chief Constable (of the force who is supposed to be doing the arrest) and I had been resisting due to the cost, but my DM is so cross about it all she says she will pay for the letter

Nearly mine gets his supply from being the victim. "Poor WN, how could she do that to him, he's so quiet and unassuming, he could never be abusive..."

Overdue yes they all think they are the victim. My WN has done a real number on telling the world I have falsely accused him of child abuse. Basically he's taken an entirely legitimate complaint I made against him and twisted it to claim that I have been making up wild stories about him.

I have my first (ever) child-free weekend this weekend and have planned lots of fun and treats. going to get my hair done then to the cinema on Saturday to see a film that WN would hate (Their Finest). Then an art exhibition and champagne afternoon tea with my sister on Sunday (with vouchers I got her for Christmas). Not every weekend will be like this but I am thoroughly looking forward to it!

Hi everyone.

Your weekend sounds wonderful Nearly - enjoy, and let WN stew over paying the school fees !

Overdue Have a from me. If only they knew how little we cared, that we're really not obsessing over them.

My WN (or twat) has taken a job lasting two weeks two houses down from me. I only knew about it (as did the dc) when my neighbour found out inadvertently. It's been horrible seeing him every day - unsettling, sad and annoying. I can't believe he needed the job that much. He's really aged, and looks uncomfortable and out of sorts. He works with a member of his family who's all swagger. I suspect he encouraged him, kind of let's show her.

So, I'm doing Ice Queen to the max ! Carrying on as normal, ignoring their very existence. It's hard, very hard, but only one more week and they'll be gone. It has shown me that no contact was the right decision though. Any contact with an ex would be hard, but these men are in a different category.

Hi Green Was hoping your WN might have faded away a bit, but obviously not from your post. Hang on in there.

overdue that's awful, but horribly unsurprising. How are you getting on? Has that letter been sent (how good of your DM to offer to pay, I'm glad you've got RL support)?

dusters I don't believe for a second that he couldn't have avoided it either. That must have been very difficult for you, I get physically sick even at the thought of having to see mine so two weeks like that, you have my utmost sympathy. I hope you're feeling better now it's almost over. Nearly there. And no, mine hasn't faded away, it feels like he never will. He changes how he does it so it's a constant battle to pre-empt, avoid and recover from. He puts me through so much psychological abuse still, and somehow manages to play the victim to such an extent he ropes other people into it too. I'm sure this going to be a familiar story to many here. I simply don't understand how they get away with it. But, I have beautiful DC to be strong for, so hanging on. Thanks for thinking of us, the world feels very against us sometimes in this never-ending control play and it'sso good to have this little oasis of understanding

Hi all,
Glad you're keeping well.
Just checking in.

Lost you all for a while there!

Finally some good news for my family - the high court is letting my brother appeal and letting Liberty take part in the appeal.

Ex hasn't called since the 9th. I've called him so I know he's not dead or anything but he's not bothering to call. We've got appeal court next month and I wonder if he'll turn up.

That's excellent news about your brother Nat, fingers crossed.

What happens if ex doesn't turn up? Is it like the UK where they'll go ahead regardless, or will it be postponed?

So pleased your brother finally has some good news Nats. It must feel like it's dragging on forever. Hope your dad's feeling better too.

Greencar Thank you for your kind words as ever. Although ex being around has been difficult it has confirmed lots of things in my mind. I can also see how far I've come in moving on with my life. There will always be some sadness there, but most of that is connected to the dc.

Ex's phone is off all the time now, he's done a disappearing act again. The court has just asked if I have any newer contact info for him so they haven't been able to get hold of him either. They'll send the bailiff next but he's probably not at home so don't know what will happen if they can't find him. Last time they postponed court but I'll be really pissed off if that happens. My lawyer is ill as well so can't ask her about it.

I've been asked again to go on good morning Britain - don't know what to do.

How are you lot? I've been missing our little gang!

Hi Ladies, I've been reading through this last thread and trying to start reading back over the previous ones too, there are some pretty horrifying stories. Not sure if my STBXH is narc or not, he certainly displays many WN tendencies, anyway, he's most definitely very difficult so wondering if I can join you - I'm pretty desperate for some advice from people who actually get where I'm coming from.

Trying soooo hard to go grey rock but his twattery with the DC over the last couple of weeks is just pushing me over the fucking edge.

Help

Sorry you're having to deal with a WN too :( What's happening?

It can be tough Johnny but if you're here then you're already aware of it. That's half the battle, getting your head back!

The irony is Teabay that it's taken him leaving me to see him for what he really is - a woefully belated lightbulb moment following 20 years of thinking perhaps it was me!

Natsku I don't even know where to start but long story short (ish) is that he left at the end of January after a five minute conversation telling me he just wasn't "feeling it" Soon transpired OW was involved although up until quite recently he's been denying this (despite moving in with her!) preferring instead to blame me and the "major problems" - which he failed to communicate to me - within our relationship. Strange that with my multitude of supposed shortcomings to cite he chose to base the divorce petition on pure fabrication

Anyway, I digress. Over Easter he told DS (10) about OW, although he claimed it was a new relationship, and subsequently duped him into spending the day with them and her DD against DS's wishes. DS was very distraught when he came home and said STBXH had paid more attention to them than to him and had carried OW's DD around all day. He asked if his dad now loved her more than him

Within a couple of days of this debacle X also decided, in his infinite wisdom, to deposit our 14 year old daughter in a strange city 90 minutes from home with her 17 year old boyfriend (who he'd met once, briefly) unsupervised for 36 hours.

Following this weekend's contact DS has once again returned in tears as X spent the majority of their time together messaging / Face Timing / phoning OW, even tracking the progress of her bike ride on Google Maps and then bringing DS home at the earliest opportunity. But only after having gone shopping in front of him en route to buy stuff to bake a cake and cook roast dinner for OW and her kid. DS came home and asked to see a counsellor.

Then yesterday he told DS he wasn't able to see him on a specific weekend as he was taking OW to a music festival. Cue more tears.

Incomprehensibly, he seems utterly oblivious to the damage he's doing. I had told MIL about DS wanting to talk to someone and she relayed this to X who then text me to say he wanted to be involved in the counselling to help DS understand what was going on! Ummm, that would be that he's a selfish, deluded fuckwit.

That wasn't really short at all. And it's only even the tip of the iceberg. Sorry. I'm just raging.

He sounds a nightmare, but you could try mediation to put your point across? My ex was similar and I thought mediation wouldn't work but then the mediator was BRILLIANT.

Oh dear, sounds like he's really causing a lot of harm to your DD, the poor lad. I agree that meditation might be worth a shot.