Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

We've both been to the initial, separate mediation meeting and had an appointment for the first joint one but I genuinely couldn't tolerate the prospect of being in the same room as him so had to postpone. I intend to re-arrange it but am quite sceptical tbf, he really does appear to be incapable of acknowledging the harm he's causing and is utterly devoid of emotion. He says he loves DCs but does precisely nothing to evidence this.

Johnny your poor DS. His head must be all over the place. I'm afraid I have nothing useful to suggest, but sometimes it is good just to be able to vent and have others confirm that your WN is indeed as much of a twat as you think he is.

Thanks Over Confirmation that he is indeed a twat is always welcome

Have long had a bit of an inkling regarding his twattishness but somehow he's always managed to gaslight or manipulate things into ostensibly being my fault. This was even the case when he fucked a hooker on a business trip...But I honestly never imagined he'd treat the kids with such blatant disregard. It's so hard to know how to support them without either having to collude with his bullshit or letting them see how much I fucking loathe him.

They are masters at making you think you are being irrational or overly dramatic. Mine has gone the opposite way with the DC. Having spent their entire lives doing next to nothing, and having very little interest in what they do, he is now father of the year; constantly wanting access and to talk to them. He is suffocating DD1 with his demands for responses to texts and facetime etc.

Hi Johnny Welcome to the thread, sorry you have to be here. I've watched my friend's two dc (a bit younger than yours) go through exactly what you describe. Her ex met another woman with two similar aged dc. He made his dc fit in with her and their needs, to the point where his dd was having panic attacks and seeing a counsellor.

He would post photos of himself, his gf and her dc on FB. Photos of them at events his own dc had asked to attend, or would have liked to have gone to. His response to my friend when she challenged him? He blocked her. He has been breathtakingly cruel. As far as I know my friend has taken the route of sympathising with her dc, trying to negotiate with him ways to stop them feeling so excluded, and hoping things got better.

Things have improved as his relationship has become more established. Also, the dc are older and a little more able to voice their opinions to him. I think she did stop them seeing him a couple of times when things were really bad. He didn't make too much of a fuss as it suited him anyway.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. I would certainly explain in an age appropriate way that your ex was being unfair. I wouldn't try and excuse him or rewrite the situation. He's the one doing the damage, and you can't stop that. If you stop them from seeing him that in itself has fallout. You want them to have a good relationship with their dad, but you can only facilitate contact, nothing else.

You can't prevent them from seeing that their dad is being unkind to them. But you can be honest, just as you would if you were talking about somebody else's behaviour. I think it's important that the dc in our situations see their other parent being judged by the same standards that apply to all of us. These twats think the rules don't apply to them.

Hi Nats That's a pain about your ex going AWOL ! I know it means you don't have the phone calls etc but you can't get things resolved. As for GMB. Will it be Piers M do you know? Maybe one of the Liberty people could go on with you? It would be fantastic publicity, but I can see why you have doubts.

Dusters makes a very good point - we have to make our children see that the rules apply to everyone, even WNs.

Probably will be Piers dusters getting one of the Liberty people on as well would be a great idea, I'll talk to my brother's PR person.

DD's social workers text me yesterday that we're having a meeting next week so hopefully they can help me figure out what to do now ex is AWOL again.

Just got the best news - the Court has granted me sole custody without even having to go to court, as all their attempts to contact my ex failed so I guess it seemed pretty obvious to them that he can't really be a legal guardian if he's uncontactable :D

That's fantastic news Natsku

I'm in a bit of a state tonight. I have long had a problem with the amount of facetime access he is getting. It is going on for an hour or more, every evening. I tried to get clear boundaries this week not easy when I can't talk to him due to restraining order, and said it has to start at 6.30pm and finish by 7.30pm. BUT the DDs don't want to do it, and they find it really onerous. It is painful to listen to when he tries to drag it out even longer than an hour. He is like a dog with the fucking bone.

I saw my solicitor today and she said enough is enough it needs cutting right back. She has written to his solicitor to say he can have 1/2hr every week and then 5 min goodnight calls on alternate evenings. I just don't know if this is reasonable or not?

My head is all over the place due to his EA, and I see things all the time about how parenting should be 50:50 etc. Obviously due to the geographical distance between him and the children it was never going to be 50:50 and so I thought that facetime everyday was understandable.

How much of this is him trying to exert control over me and the DC and how much is what is reasonable for the father to expect??

Ultimately the DC are starting to resent his demands on them, so from this point of view I know that what I am doing is right for them. I just can't help feeling a bit sorry for him as he is all on his own 300 miles from them, without friends or family nearby. He is also still wearing his wedding ring....I just want him to accept that it is over.

Contact is about the child so if your DC don't want long calls every night then they shouldn't have to have them. A 5 min goodnight call every other night along with a longer call once a week sounds fine to me, with the option for your DC to extend calls if they want.

He has got the letter and is not happy. He has texted DD about how much he loves her, how they can't speak at all anymore and how their evening chats were the only good thing in his day. She is barely registering what he is saying, and just gets frustrated at how many texts he is sending.

I am really worried he is going to try and harm himself. I know that is the ultimate EA WN threat, but I can't help it.

It is their ultimate threat but its understandable to be worried about it, I'm still a little worried right now that ex has killed himself or something even though its much more likely he's in the hospital, I don't think you can ever get rid of that worry because of course we don't want our child(ren)'s father to kill themselves, that's shit for kids, or hurt themselves either because that's still going to have an impact on our children. But its important to realise we have no control, and anything we do is negative in their opinion so its not use worrying about whether we are going to upset them too much because we can't control how upset they get, its unpredictable, just focus on our children, and ourselves, and hope for the best.

Nats That's the best news I've read on here for a long time. You and dd deserve some peace and stability - hopefully this is the beginning of it.

Overdue I sympathise with what you're saying. I can see that he would want to speak to them everyday. But an hour of face time is a lot, and young dc just don't/can't speak for that long over such devices. I think a 5 minute good night call is a good idea for him and them. Could he not face time them for 10/15 mins every other day? Are your dc old enough to say what they'd like?

Thanks dusters was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering where you are - how have you been? Things ok?

Hi Nats Thanks for asking. I'm pretty good thanks. Life has settled into quite a smooth pattern for me and the dc. They seem to be coping well with their home life with me and their "other" life with their dad. No dramas, lots of routine, so fingers crossed it stays that way.

Ex is no longer working near to my home. It wasn't easy, and weirdly my over riding emotion was still one of sadness and feeling slightly sorry for him. I hope I'm quite a long way towards accepting what happened. There are still difficult days, but the rage has subsided!

I've become much better at choosing to do things and see people that I want to - rather than what/those I feel I should. I think this has contributed towards feeling more at peace about things. Again, it's not always straight forward, but I'm definitely working on not being a rescuer anymore.

As for HJM.... Well, my heart still jumps! I see him to wave and smile at about once or twice a week. We had a chat last week, and he's still due to come round and do some work. I'm reaching the point where I feel I have to resolve things one way or the other. A guy was very chatty and flirty with me in a shop recently. I immediately thought of HJM and knew I wasn't interested in anyone else.

I'd like things to start moving on now that the dust has settled - in lots of areas. So it's a case of summoning the courage and trying to make some changes.

Any news on the possible GMB interview/appearance?

That sounds very positive dusters glad things are settling down into a smooth pattern. Now you just need to make a move on HJM! I await results eagerly

They're waiting for the court date to be set, then they'll contact me again.

My job is going well too, have forced one of the nice young men to speak only English with me so we can have proper conversations, and currently I am busy doing a 1000 piece jigsaw and making plectrums out of old library cards

Will update you Nats !

I'd wondered how your job with the cute young men was going. I was reading about the Finnish language a while ago. Apparently it's one of the most difficult languages in the world. So it must be good to chat in English.

Nice to have found the thread again - lost you for a while. Hope everyone is doing well and WN are not causing too much trauma for you all and the DC's. Had various incidents with my WN over the last few weeks about DD2. Despite everything he has done he has all he has seemed to be concerned about is getting his own way, demanding obedience and making it so that she didn't want to go to see him at all. Had really upset her recently and I ended up having to talk to him, not sure if he actually took what I said on board but was better with her this week. Ridiculous that he can't see the damage he has been doing to their relationship. Fingers crossed that he keeps up making her visits as nice as possible rather than a battle which he has to win!

It is pretty difficult to learn. Just been given another job, starting today although I'm not so keen on doing it.

Fingers crossed he keeps up good behaviour rose!

Nice I don't know much of your back story, but I can certainly identify with doing things you think other people want instead of what you want. Sounds like you are making great strides at emotionally distancing yourself from WN.

Rose I totally get the issues you have been having, and can see them happening with my DC very soon.

I have decided that I don't care if he harms himself I do really though, I have realised that I have to put the DC first and him way down the list. Easier said that done, but he really stressed DD1 out last night and it can't go on. I am going to have to get my solicitor on to him again and he is the one responsible for me doing that. Whatever consequences are, he is the one responsible for them. I have to keep telling myself that, as it is far easier said than done.

I was browsing and haven't been on here in an age but felt I HAD to post here! We've been separated 2yrs and it's the best thing I ever did but my god co parenting with this WN is Virtually impossible!
Back story is, spent almost 5 years in EA and PA relationship with ExOH. At first he was amazing, soon changed when I was pregnant with DD. At 6 months he went to the the pub for a pint after work and came home at 6am the next day threatning to smash the door down if i didn't let him in. What followed was me sat on the bed hysterical whilst he smashed up our bedroom around me. I should have left then!
Key points in our relationship.
He was jealous of the baby
He forced me to stop BF DD
Became violent when I didn't and accused me of spoiling dd when I did
Financially controlling. We couldn't afford shoes for dds but he could afford to go to the pub every night and drink 6 pints. (I never moaned about him being in there either as whilst he was there he wasn't at home giving me sh*t)
Threw a can at my head whilst BF dd
Constant insults even getting eldest dd to join in... oh but where was my sense of fun 😂
Gaslighting
Messaging other women. (My fault I didn't pay his lordship enough attention)
Never let me out or when he did all hell would break loose when I got home.
Refinanced my car to try and keep me financially tied to the WN.

Final straw messages from 3rd OW at work and got caught out and sent packing.

Of course there was nothing in it... yet now they are officially fb together they have been since before we split according to the dates.

I can't believe I stayed as long as I did.

Then the abuse really started 😂
Access to dd. He asked I agreed, On the condition he played for dd childcare whilst she was in his care. Either that or find an alternative cuz I sure wasn't going to pay for it for him. That obviously wasn't good enough so 3 court dates followed all of which he was told he could have all the access he asked for but he's need to do the above. He dropped down to EOWE.

Soooo 2 years on and it's still a battle. Latest one dd came home with huge bruise on head. OW dad been playing rough and hit her. I mentioned it and askd what happened. WN tells me it's nothing, I'm melodramatic causing drama and is should hear what dd says about me. OW laughing in background
Rolls eyes.
Question is... does it ever get easier. Do you ever stop hating WN

Sorry for long post but this is the tip of the iceberg honestly

Morning ladies, its been a while since I checked in on this thread. Its been 3.5 months now since I left ex. Last night he came for dinner, and when I realised he was expecting sex and reconcile despite shitty behaviour I had to tell him for certain and clearly i didn't want to reconcile. I was worried it might go terribly wrong but for thefirst time in years he actually just sat and listened. We both cried, and he went home without a fight. I expect to get some shit in the future, I know he won't cope with the finality well.

The last 6 weeks or so since I last posted have been a rollercoaster, and despite everyones advice I have remained calm, and kind of dancing to his drum beat whilst keeping as much distance as possible. I have realised for myself this is not possible as he is an all or nothing type. While I don't think he is a narc I can see his controlling abusive pattern of behaviour has continued. He hasn't respected my boundaries, he hasn't given me the space I asked for, he has been erratic in his responses. That said, he is now on anxiety meds and anti depressants and seems better generally. The kids have noticed a change in him .

Last night was his first time he has been inside my new house. He commented on how calm and peaceful it was last night. I said, I know, I am happy here, its calm and free of tension. I think he got it a little bit, or seemed to. For now I know there is no chance of returning, I just hope we can try and coparent with some sensibility. I told him how this pans out really is up to him, if he is shitty or continues to feel like he can say and do what he wants and I will still be there for him, he is wrong. I know I might still sound a bit naive but I do want him around and present in the boys lives as much as possible. If that means sharing birthdays etc, then I would be ok for that.

I have had a good cry, not slept much, but I feel better.

Thanks to all the lovely ladies who replied to me in the darker hours, and hope everyone is doing ok.

Hi to everyone, old and new. No time to post tonight but do want to respond so will do tomorrow.

Hi Two it will get better, unfortunately probably not until your DC is older and you don't have to deal with the WN as much. If you haven't had any perhaps try counselling, have to say it has made all the difference to me and being able to cope with all the twatish behaviour.