Support thread for those of us having to coparent with a narc or very difficult ex partner thread 5

[Lilacpink40]

Open to everyone, please come and share your experience. Will post a link to useful support information below.

Previous Thread (4) is here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4?watched=1&msgid=67018306#67018306

WN= Wank narc (aka Shit Head SH or exP or whatever you prefer).

Lighthearted post for all of us having to deal with life draining WN's! Wouldn't you just love to text them this.....

That mug

Posted on my other thread, just an update what's going on with us really!

Just thought I'd post another little update for anyone who still may be interested in mine and DS's story!

Still heard nothing from the letter. He text on DS's Birthday asking to say happy birthday so I blocked the number.

DS is also going to be a big brother. At 14+4weeks and being an inquisitive 3 year old he is getting very impatient already and has a lot of questions.

Struggling with worry about being taken to court. If he gets in touch I will ignore everything but a legal letter (if that makes sense). Although it has been almost 6 months since the letter I'm worried that when he finds out about the pregnancy (I still see his mother and grandmother occasionally) that this will prompt him to take court action. I wish I could cut them from my life but that wouldn't be fair on DS. Unless they visit when I'm not here? Someone else supervises? Although why should I keep my life a secret.

It's kind of a black cloud over what should be a happy time. I need to lift it!

Has the black cloud lifted any Ohb?

Congrats on the pregnancy! I just found out I'm pregnant, shitting myself!

Wow congratulations Natsku amazing news, you deserve something nice to happen. Hope everything else is more peaceful in your world especially with your ex.

Hope everyone else is coping with the usual WN behaviour of the various tosspots.

Oh my god @Natsku I've just seen your update!!!!

It has a bit. I sat and thought last night 'if I died tomorrow would I have enjoyed my life or regretted the time spent worrying'. Bit grim I know but it's true.

How far are you etc? I'm guessing it was a surprise?

I think at the end of our days we will regret too much time spent worrying and not enough time spent enjoying so although its a grim thought its a perspective one.

Yup was quite a surprise! Almost 6 weeks along. Having trouble coming off my meds - rebound insomnia is a bitch :(

WN is still missing so everything is peaceful on that front. I am a little worried about him as usually if he was in the hospital by now he'd be well enough to want to contact DD so little worried he's not in the hospital and has disappeared in a worse way.
Otherwise everything is a bit hectic what with my new job and all but good hectic really.

How are you both doing Rose and Ohb?

@Natsku be greatful of the peace.

I had similar issues coming off meds, although I possibly did it way too fast (tricyclics, 50 to 0 in a week) but I just went into full panic about any potential effects.

I'm fine. Still quiet here which I'm glad of. It's over a year since he tried to take me to mediation. Everything since then (1 occasion) has been him trying to arrange contact informally. Puts it into perspective a bit.

Glad its still quiet.

I need to get off venlafaxine, was on 225mg, cut down to 150mg on Tuesday, not sure how quickly to go though as withdrawal is really really shit from this med.

I don't know much about it other than my mum takes it and whenever she's missed a dose she's not been well. The joys!

I'm going to phone tomorrow to ask for a phone appointment with my psychiatrist so I can get some advice on how to withdraw.

New to this thread but glad to have found it! I've posted a lot on man before about my WN but to summarise he moved (and still lives) 3 doors down from me! Whole load of history including an assault the beginning of the year.

I've noticed he runs in cycles, super nice, I'm the most amazing person who he loves etc etc, he cares, he wants to be at least friends, to then being incredibly aggressive, threatening and verbally abusive. This week I've had to ask him to leave my house twice so that should indicate his current setting!

He has a new party trick which he's very proud of which is not working.. this means he can watch/bump into me all day and not pay csa.. but of course if I say anything I'm an incredibly spiteful, horrible person.

I made the mistake of letting it get to me the other week and it was not good. I had a shock because this other woman suddenly appeared and seemed to be there all the time. He was making a show of kissing her etc being ott in the street and it crushed me 😣 i then made the mistake of falling for his lies and letting him in again, ending up with this back and forth and making me feel as though I wanted/ needed him when I don't! I was a wreck.

I'd like to share a tip, if you're dealing with someone who likes to try and control you're emotions, take the power away. I've taken to acting whenever speaking/seeing him as if I'm in the brightest, sunniest mood I could be in. It infuriates him! Some satisfaction at least, and it takes away that control.

That's a good tip Sordid but how fucked up is it that he moved to 3 doors away from you?! Any chance you can move away? I would not have been able to cope with living in the same town even as my WN, letting alone the same road.

It's horrendous 😔the street is on a curve so he can look at anytime if I'm in or not, who's at my house, watch me if I'm getting in/out the car as there's 2 windows facing it. I dread driving home because I have to drive right past his house and if I want to walk the dog or to the shop he'll "coincidentally walk out the front door".

I have the offer from family to support me moving but it would be a financial hit, and a big upheaval. I feel like why should me son change school and I leave friends and my clubs etc because of his twattery, but I will have to if it continues.

I was hoping he'd be forced to move how little work he's been doing.. on Friday he was demanding money as supposedly about to lose his car etc, cue another tantrum when I said no. I don't know how but he seems to be scraping by. It'd make my day to find out he's moving!!

And his best friend is my ndn, who of course thinks I'm some crazy bitch who "got him arrested" after the assault. I'm glad now that he seems to be less obsessive, less suicide threats or harassment., but it's taken more of a targeted turn at my self esteem. I'm going to rise above it though I chose to leave him so even though it can hurt when I see him being loving to other women at least I know what he's really like and that he can't make me happy. Honestly what he did to his last gf is absolutely vile.

Hi Natsku, coming off your meds sounds really hard, hope you can get to see your psychiatrist for some help. There may be safer meds for the baby that you can go onto to help whilst you withdraw. Certainly should be a priority for them (and you).

I'm fine generally, have to put up with continued WN'ery (not sure that's a word but it should be) when dealing with him over DD2 but I otherwise ignore him completely. He has been a complete and utter twunt to DD2 having her waiting around sometimes for hours for him to collect her plus loads if other things but does actually seem to have taken on board when I told him a couple of weeks ago that she won't want anything to do with him either if he didn't pack in being a prize dick (DD1 is NC).

Hopefully will get the provisional divorce order through shortly then we can get on with agreeing finances (if he is reasonable).

Ohb glad to hear things are calmer for you too. Congratulations on the baby. When he finds out about the baby he will do whatever he will do. You can't control his actions so the only thing to do is ignore him and concentrate on you and your dc and the new baby. Don't give him headspace if you can help it. I was told that our brains are like the groove in a record if you constantly think the same thing you get stuck in that groove, but you can change that. You tell yourself that you are happy and calm (or whatever else you want to think about), you do that every time you remember and every time you catch yourself feeling anxious and thinking about him or what he may do. It doesn't matter that you don't feel happy and calm you just repeat it over and over and over to yourself, it then become a self fulfilling prophecy as you write a new default groove in your brain.

Sordid your situation sounds awful, if you are here (on mn) you know that he is not going to change and only you can stop him treating you like this by refusing to pander to him. Have you heard of grey rock? It is very effective, you stop giving him any feedback whatsoever no anger no sadness no happiness no nothing, he is completely unimportant to you and your life it ruins their fun as you are no longer his supply.

Thank you red I'll check it out, sounds good.

I had a bit of a wobble last night as through an old account I ended up clicking on a notification through email and it was him with that previous woman again 😣which is going to add an element of difficulty. But at least I'm free from him and am retaining some self respect by having said his behaviour is not ok. But yeah 😔 at family's ATM and not looking forward to going home.

Yep all ok till I said no to him. Now it looks like we are going to court to try and sort out his pettiness. I said no he didn't like it. Sorry mate bring it on

Fingers crossed he's forced to move sordid but if he doesn't it might be worth the financial hit and upheaval just to not be in constant sight of him (or his best friend)

It is hard but I seem to have adjusted to the lower dose already so will go down to 75mg soon. Its coming off the last bit completely that will be the hardest so hopefully they can give me something safe that'll ease the withdrawal.

Glad you're fine generally rose hopefully he'll be reasonable with agreeing on the finances.

WN has resurfaced - just a call from him in the hospital, sounded very drugged up. At least he's alive, was starting to worry that I'd have to explain his death to DD. Going to call him back later when DD is home so she can talk to him.

That's good Natsku I know he is a WN but it must be worrying for you when he just vanishes like that and you don't need any additional stress at the moment.

Yeah it was a relief to hear from him.

Hi Everyone. Congratulations on the babies Ohb and Natsku. I'm glad your ex turned up even if he is a WN.

I'm qute low a the moment. WN went back to court last week for breaching the restraining order and was fined. So now he has taken to trying to bleed me dry financially.

He has got rid of his solicitor and has started sending 8 page letters to mine; bleating on about how I have never given him a reason for my leaving, how I am being unreasonable by refusing to go to mediation etc. "Erm hello! You have a conviction for common assault and another for breaching a restraining order, are you really that stupid WN...?"

He also wants to reduce my maintenance. My monthly income gives me just about enough to manage to pay essentials, but nothing more. I pay my (enormous due to his tosspottery) legal bills out of a few savings I have, which are rapidly diminishing, and I have a massive debt on a 0% credit card, which at least means I can bury my head in the sand about it for a few months. It is so frustrating because I know once the house is sold I would have enough money, but he is still living in it and is not going to give up easily, so I am going to have to force the sale and spend more money in the process.

Meanwhile he is still stressing DD1 out over his daily demands to speak to her. I have decided to take a strong line and leave her phone off until she wants to turn it on. I am just not setting her a good example by allowing him to manipulate her like this at the moment. I know it sounds so simple to just leave the phone off, and to do anything else is to give in to his EA, but it is really difficult.

On paper it would be great if DD could speak to her dad everyday and they had the sort of relationship where they text each other whenever, but he doesn't make it like that. You give him an inch and he wants 10 miles and I have to stop it for her sake.

I realise now that to the outside world, I have turned into one of those exes who seems vengeful and stops the DF having contact with the DC for no good reason. There is just no way of explaining to the outside world that what I am doing is in the best interests of the DC and that he is the one damaging their relationship and them .

I just feel so sad that they are in the middle of all this mess and all I can do is damage limitation rather than fixing it completely

Do you offer narc ex Father's Day if not his weekend?

Hi I have a thread running (can't do link sorry!) about managing exh behaviour. Can anyone on here help?