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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this ok? (New guy, not sure)

181 replies

Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 14:38

Quick straw poll: Guy you're seeing for 6 weeks, sleeping with etc, goes away for a (female) friend's birthday weekend (apparently about 8 people there, old uni friends.) Gets tagged in a photo naked in a hot tub wth also naked girl (another female "friend") Looking very cosy. Alcohol everywhere.
Is that ok?
Thoughts..?

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 14/02/2017 09:49

Bin him off. He sounds like a douche

INeedNewShoes · 14/02/2017 09:55

I'm not saying you're horrid to end it at all.

But ghosting is very unpleasant to be on the receiving end of. I wouldn't do that to anyone even if I had proof they'd been a twat. I'd still let them know I was ending the relationship.

Lessthanaballpark · 14/02/2017 09:59

Oh he sounds just like this guy I dated. Immature and eager to show that he was desired by other women. When I discovered how selfish he was in bed it was almost a relief. I was like "Lessthan! You've put up with all that nonsense for something this shit!" What an anti-climax! I held out a bit to see if there was any there there but there wasn't. So I cut my losses.

Just ghost. Honestly 6 weeks is easier to get over than 6 months.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 10:04

Opening up a dialogue will just 1) give him a chance to sweet talk her or 2) let him turn it around on her and have her blaming herself

Op needs neither of those scenarios. Just don't be available for the boot calls. Looks like his interest will rapidly ease. Job done.

I am a very assertive person and would simply tell him it's over for the reasons stated, but op seems a little bit open to the bullshit (no offence). Best to just get out however you can.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 10:04

*booty

Fairenuff · 14/02/2017 10:20

He is nowhere near as serious as you about your relationship, that much is clear so it will probably be a relief to both of you to end it now. I would just send him a text saying that.

Surreyblah · 14/02/2017 10:32

Shock at his sexual uselessness!

Reflect on why you even considerd seeking a relationship with him given that. Perhaps something like the freedom programme might be good in moving on from your past abusive relationship?

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 14/02/2017 10:33

Feel a bit sad that I probably misjudged his intentions so much about moving towards something. He seemed really into me and he really, really isn't this super hot player type. I do feel a bit used -- and foolish!

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 14/02/2017 10:39

Painful, but it's only been a few weeks and luckily you have realised this early on not to waste more time with him. Being single is far far better than this! Head over to feminism for a link to a good article on the benefits of pleasing yourself in your 20s!

Surreyblah · 14/02/2017 10:40

And actually, after an initial effort for a very short time it was clear he was not respectful or "into you": the dull booty calls and lack of foreplay for a start! You can do far better.

TheStoic · 14/02/2017 10:47

It would have been a goodbye from me once I saw that photo. I'm too old for games.

He's a dick, OP. I know for a fact that you can do much better than him...because any woman could.

Cuppaoftea · 14/02/2017 11:11

INeedNewShoes The Op's later posts show this guy doesn't see himself as being in a relationship with her so there's nothing to end.

He's been calling the Op to go round to his for sex, ignoring other nice messages she's sent him, been out of comms for days at a time.

Sending him a text gives him the chance to show it round his mates, he sounds like the type. Time to simply forget him and move on.

GoodDayToYou · 14/02/2017 12:06

"eventually asked how my weekend had been and I said it had been quite difficult because of an ongoing issue, he just brushed it aside and ended the text convo."

"We haven't gone on a date in about 3 weeks because he always has some reason why I should just go to his."

"no foreplay before sex (why didn't I speak up!! It hurt!) to little stuff like ignoring a sweet message and making me feel anxious for having sent it."

Please re-read what you have written. I haven't even included the hot tub shenanigans posted on FB or him ignoring Valentine's Day.

I'm so sorry to tell you, he is just not into you. He is using you for sex and company, kinda like having a hobby. He is not engaged with your feelings as a woman; he's not interested.

"I guess it feels confusing because I don't know if we are casual or not."

"i do accept that I may not be au fait with the dating game etc etc."

These points also popped out to me. It reads like you're waiting for someone else to tell you how things are.

This is important: You need to decide what you want and then you communicate that. There's no other way to do it, unless you want to be a disappointed doormat for the rest of your life!

So sorry for the tough love! I was in your place once too. No need to linger with this one now, it's time to take the lesson, grieve and move on. Enjoy being single, get confident in your own skin and the right man will appear. ((Hugs))

AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 12:07

I agree, cuppa

Op owes this guy precisely zilch.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 12:09

Also, I have had cheese in my fridge for longer than this "relationship"

Just move on, op

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 14/02/2017 12:29

I think this has brought a lot into relief for me. He might be an ok guy he might be a dick but he's not making me happy (and I have my own issues too)

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 14/02/2017 13:31

Please stop putting youtrsekf down!Flowers You could have Not One Issue and this guy would still be a dick.

You're well rid. And having higher standards than this mess of a non-relationship is actually a healthy sign.

I'm glad you posted. And I agree with a PP that you might want to look into the Freedom Programme, to remind yourself what not to accept in any future relationships. You'll be fine, really! Smile

GoodDayToYou · 14/02/2017 13:46

"He might be an ok guy he might be a dick but he's not making me happy"

Exactly!!
You've got it!!
Keep your attention on how YOU feel and what YOU want.
Flowers

LesisMiserable · 14/02/2017 14:40

Might I point out, nobody is responsible for 'making' you happy, except you. That aside, he doesnt consider you as a real prospect and is treating you accordingly. Hot tub means nothing its the fact youve not had a date for half the time you've known him!!

RestlessTraveller · 14/02/2017 15:26

If you haven't had the exclusivity chat in my book he can be naked with whoever he pleases.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2017 15:27

The thread has moved on, RT

RestlessTraveller · 14/02/2017 15:29

Thanks for that AF, I pressed the send button far too soon. (Bloody work getting in the way)

The rest was going to say. But the other behaviour not ok and to be fair it sounds like you're well rid.

EighthElement · 14/02/2017 15:37

I think your best bet (at this stage, not having had 'the chat') is to get turned off. As a pp said. Say, 'listen, I saw that photo of you in the hot tub and ............ i feel turned off."

He will either try and win you over again or he'll be defensive and make accusations etc... His reaction will give you more info and help you decide.

EighthElement · 14/02/2017 15:38

if he says 'yeh but we aren't a thing etc...' you could say ''i know but I'd thought you'd have the judgment to value me more than you did, so no hard feelings but thanks and good luck''

Difficult to raise you bar after you've slept with him but before the exclusivity chat.

Butterymuffin · 14/02/2017 15:41

You can convey being 'turned off' very easily by just not contacting him or responding to any contact. Not interested, have better things to do. That's what is needed here. Talking of any sort won't be listened to, because he's already shown you he doesn't listen. So don't waste time on him. Silence conveys the message perfectly.