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Original poster

Is this ok? (New guy, not sure)

181 replies

Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 14:38

Quick straw poll: Guy you're seeing for 6 weeks, sleeping with etc, goes away for a (female) friend's birthday weekend (apparently about 8 people there, old uni friends.) Gets tagged in a photo naked in a hot tub wth also naked girl (another female "friend") Looking very cosy. Alcohol everywhere.
Is that ok?
Thoughts..?

OP posts:
RedSauce · 13/02/2017 19:58

Huskylover

It's not about standards. It's about the paranoia and jealousy involved in assuming they are naked, for the tiniest of reasons (ONE of the two girls has no straps showing). Jealousy ruins relationships, so showing it at this early stage would probably end things nice and early.

Huskylover1 · 13/02/2017 20:04

redsauce you could be right. I am somewhat affected, by the fact that my ExH cheated throughout our 20 year relationship. Tens of women and exactly this type of behaviour. I just cannot tolerate now anything like this. Thankfully DH is a gem. Perhaps you are right and I am wrong. Sad

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 20:04

Whether or not they were naked though (ok it was a leap but I have no idea and it did look that way!!) does that matter? It still looked dodgy. Old uni friends in their mid/late twenties staying together for 2 nights, no partners, loads of alcohol, a hot tub?! Is that genuinely a thing all friends do and could never be construed as potentially a bit dodge?
Maybe coloured by my knowledge that his friendship group is quite "incestuous" and he describes all the female friends as "free spirits" didn't help Hmm

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 13/02/2017 20:06

What is the male to female ratio here?

garlicandsapphire · 13/02/2017 20:07

Dear OP. TBH if I was in your shoes I'd feel a heart sinking sick feeling if I saw photos like that of a guy I really liked early on. That's just natural and nothing to do with your past or not being cool. It would just make you wonder. It doesnt matter how many clothes they're wearing. It just changes the fun buzzy vibe you have early on when you meet someone. Like, maybe I read this wrong ....

I'd make a comment, keep it light and say something like 'not sure what to make of the photos of the hottub shenanigans. Is that what you normally get up to with your friends?'

Kittencatkins123 · 13/02/2017 20:08

I don't think jacuzzi nakedness is unlikely at a hot tub party with twenty somethings and a load of booze.

You don't have to go mental, just be calmly honest about your feelings. I.e. I saw that and it made me feel a bit upset/uncomfortable and it made me think about whether we're exclusive or not. You'd prefer not to be chatting about it and would rather it was organic but just wanted to check as they looked quite close ~and possibly naked~

It's actually a really good time to have a conversation about it! Obviously it's a fair enough question in the circumstances. And it's also a normal conversation to have as you're sleeping together, and you presumably are being monogamous.

Don't slate the girl involved - this isn't about her it's about him and you.

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 20:08

Is that genuinely a thing all friends do and could never be construed as potentially a bit dodge?

It sounds totally innocent from MY perspective. I can imagine doing it and having a great laugh with old friends and nothing sexual would come into it (I would be a bit embarrassed by my selfie posting mate, but like I said, we all know one of those).

Bearing that in mind, I would try not to be accusatory with him if you talk to him about it. Maybe he WAS having wild sex with them all weekend, but I really don't think there is much to make you think that as your default position.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 20:09

Yeah garlic that's exactly it. I feel a bit flat. I had got him a cute valentines card and was feeling quite fuzzy after our night together then it just seemed so out of character for him and just... not for me. Like whatever people think of it I wouldn't be the sort who would want my bf to go to strip clubs or whatever. Even if they didnt do anything I wouldn't agree with it. And this isn't the same but it feels a bit disrespectful he knows I'd see that photo and he just liked it :/

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 13/02/2017 20:15

I would hate that too.

How come you have mutual male friends (who "liked" the hot tub photo)?

It doesn't sound like you wanted your relationship with him to be just sex, so why not just ask if anything happened that weekend, and (if you're ok with and believe his answer) have the discussion about exclusivity?

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 20:22

Surrey I have met a few of his male friends (one is his flat mate) and they def know we have been seeing each other since New Years.
Just slightly worried now that I am on a different page to him.
Like I say-- when I really like someone and don't want to mess it up I care about how stuff comes across and what they think. So this photo (and him liking it) isn't great. He was also out of comms all weekend.

OP posts:
Theharderitry · 13/02/2017 20:44

Princess- 6 weeks in is nothing really.

PinkFluff2 · 13/02/2017 21:02

I'd sack this guy off. I would feel exactly how you feel about it. You're not crazy at all.

If I'm interested in someone I am really careful about what goes on the internet, I don't want them to see something innocent and get completely the wrong idea. After all, it's easy to do that when you are still getting to know each other. The fact he's liked the picture and knows that you will have seen it just seems a bit disrespectful.

I wouldn't want to be with a guy who thought this was acceptable whether they are naked or not. Do you want to have to deal with him doing this kind of thing regularly?

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 21:05

PinkFluff some of these reactions baffle me. If we assume they're wearing swimming costumes, then what is it about being in a hot tub with friends on a weekend away that is "a bit disrespectful" or would make you worry that you would need to "deal with this kind of thing"? I honestly don't get it.

AmyAmoeba · 13/02/2017 21:08

For me this would not be ok. I think it's disrespectful.
If he wants to be photographed in hot tubs in suggestive circumstances that would be fine and I'd wish him well, but just not if he wants to be with me.
It's not a question of being possessive or jealous.
I know I'm worth a lot more than that.

WannaBe · 13/02/2017 21:10

Ignore anyone who says you're crazy, paranoid or jealous. So what if you don't want to think of him as sleeping with other people after six weeks.

How have we ended up a society which assumes people can sleep with as many people as they want as long as they haven't had the "exclusivity" chat? If that's the way people want to be that's their perogative, but if not then that's their choice as wel.

Even if nothing happened, the picture leaves enough to interpretation. If you're not comfortable with that then you don't have to be.

I wouldn't confront but I might have a chat along the lines of that I was developing feelings but because of the picture it very much appears that he wants different things from a relationship and that as such you don't think that you're on the same page. It's not accusatory, it's not demanding answers, but it does say that you don't want to be sleeping with someone who is happy to be photographed in what appears to be a compromising position with other women. And then I would add that he hadn't done anything wrong per se, just that you're in different places.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 21:11

I guess because it's all very much alcohol fuelled, a lot of single people sharing rooms (in a small cottage). It's the big picture of it. All he told me was bragging about all the drunkenness, champagne and hot tub that would be there.... I guess it feels confusing because I don't know if we are casual or not. In which case yeah he can do what he wants. But him liking this stupid photo put By an unknown girl, I don't feel like it's the actions of someone who's anxious to impress a new person.

OP posts:
RedSauce · 13/02/2017 21:11

Ignore anyone who says you're crazy, paranoid or jealous. So what if you don't want to think of him as sleeping with other people after six weeks

Making a leap from being in a hot tub to sleeping with somebody IS pretty crazy, though.

Why does everybody think being in a hot tub with your friends is disrespectful?? What if you were on holiday in a hot country and went in the pool with your friends? Would that be disrespectful too?

I'm so baffled right now.

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 21:15

But him liking this stupid photo put By an unknown girl, I don't feel like it's the actions of someone who's anxious to impress a new person

You're probably right about you guys not "wanting the same thing" I guess. I do think your perspective is being clouded by your past issues, but there's little you can do about that.

In my view, drinking with your old uni mates at a cottage with a hot tub sounds like a fun weekend with friends. It seems highly unlikely that anyone was naked, and if somebody I was dating thought there was some big deal about any of that, or about me "liking" a facebook picture of it, I'd find it pretty jealous and insecure behaviour, and I'd want out too. So maybe best to talk to him about it and see what happens. Maybe you'll both go your separate ways.

Kittencatkins123 · 13/02/2017 21:29

I'm going on the fact that OP thought it looked like they were naked/partially naked. I also really don't think a degree of nakedness is out of the question here as they were hammered.

As I've said, it's not about making accusations but it's normal for something to see that and think Hmm

And it's fine to have a calm chilled out chat about whether or not you're in a sexually exclusive relationship.

So tired of women feeling so scared of being a 'bunny boiler' to have normal adult conversations with someone they've been having sex with for six weeks.

(Or however long you've been having sex OP Wink)

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 21:35

Yeah that's the thing. I don't like the fact that despite the fact we have had sex for 5 weeks (and dated too! Just to clarify) I feel like I would be a bunny boiler to even think this let alone bring it up! (Which I haven't at all, btw, with him)
I feel like a guy might well take it in an untoward way if a woman they were seeing had done similar.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2017 21:39

I reckon he's just a braggart

Look at me, the hot stud swigging champagne and jacuzzing with hot chicks with tits and everyfink

You are sooooo lucky to have me

These are not the actions of a secure man.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 21:47

AF i thought that too. Fair enough If he was all "in so excited to spend this weekend in the country with my old mates" but he just talked about the hot tub and how "crazy" his female friends are before he went, and then when I asked him how it was he was just like "champagne and hot tub" etc. Boring. All sounds a bit 1970s to me. The whole ridiculously drunken party thing just isn't for me these days.
I don't think he is that secure no.

OP posts:
Angleshades · 13/02/2017 21:49

Think you've hit the nail on the head there af.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/02/2017 21:50

Well, firstly, you're not together, so he can technically do what he wants. And even if you were, sitting in a hot tub with another girl is not inherently "bad" or "wrong", especially when you have no proof anything has actually happened. All you have is a photo of him in a hot tub with another girl.

You seem to be criticising her a lot. She's wrong for putting the photo on Facebook. She apparently takes ridiculous selfies and pouts a lot. Why does it matter what photos she puts on Facebook and who likes them? Facebook does not equal reality.

If you're not comfortable with what happened, that's fine and it's your right to say "We've been sleeping together, I really like you and feel like it could go somewhere, but your behaviour makes me uncomfortable, so this isn't working anymore", but he can equally turn around and say "hang on, all I'm doing is enjoying a weekend away with my friends. We're not in a relationship and we've only been seeing each other six weeks, I don't need to be in touch 24/7."

Neither of you is right/wrong, you just need to decide what you're happy with. Personally I don't think he's done anything wrong - he's met up with some friends, had some drinks and sat around chatting in a hot tub. That's not cheating.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2017 21:50

Like I said up thread....you are mismatched. He sounds like a bit of a nob actually and you sound like a grown up.