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Original poster

Is this ok? (New guy, not sure)

181 replies

Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 14:38

Quick straw poll: Guy you're seeing for 6 weeks, sleeping with etc, goes away for a (female) friend's birthday weekend (apparently about 8 people there, old uni friends.) Gets tagged in a photo naked in a hot tub wth also naked girl (another female "friend") Looking very cosy. Alcohol everywhere.
Is that ok?
Thoughts..?

OP posts:
Gingerbreadlass · 13/02/2017 21:55

Thank God there were no online media outlets I could be plastered over by some more immature fellows in my time Blush

The girl in question seems to have form for online self marketing and you do not tag people in any circumstances which might depict them at less fortunate times (states of undress, intoxicated or otherwise embarasssing for them).

She wanted to make a point that she was with that guy for a reason and he clearly has his tag filters set so he doesn't get to delete a tag before it shows on his timeline.

6 weeks is not very long but unless you coerced him to sleep with you (which I doubt) then it would appear that he likes you but reverted back to single behaviour for the night.

As others said I would cool it with him, be polite and don't sulk but mention that hot tub picture and ask him who she is as there was it seems an odd thing to post about a random person at a party. Plenty of other photo opps from that night so why that of getting close in a hot tub.

If you don't feel up for mentioning it I would definitely not sleep with him and see how his every day behaviour is with you. If he likes you then he would still want to spend time with you even if sex isn't on the table.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 21:56

Hermione when did I ever say he was cheating?
Are people not allowed to have boundaries? Like a PP said isnthis "exclusivity chat" the be all and end all? I'm just trying to gauge whether others would have a problem or a thought about it if this happened with a guy they were seeing, because i do accept that I may not be au fait with the dating game etc etc. But what's the point in pretending I'm ok with this scenario? I have outlined context which I think does add something to the photo (which was by no means innocuous)

A few things about him say insecure, he "plays it cool" a lot in an awkward/obvious way, he tries to be all sexy asking if I enjoy giving him blowjobs etc (and clearly expecting the answer yes) and trying to be all lothario when in fact I like the sweeter side of him and find him quite inexperienced etc in bed. All the hot tub talk seemed very incongruous and it's annoying that he clearly thinks it makes him a big man.
Anyway... this has clearly opened up a lot more to me, maybe he just isn't right

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2017 21:57

I think he is quite a bit wrong, actually

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 13/02/2017 21:59

Op it's downright disrespectful of him. It's that simple.

Imagine if you were married and the same thing happened in 5 years time? It's not ok now and it wouldn't be ok then. It's just not nice.

Yes ok some people might do this and think it's ok, but it's clearly not ok with you (and wouldn't be with me either) so I would end it. No point going forwards with someone whose morals are mismatched with yours.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 13/02/2017 22:09

For me, it's not what I'd be interested in. I dated a few lads, and yeah, they liked their 'free spirit' girls, and 'alcohol abuse haha' and it was just.. not for me. I was a pretty chilled out girlfriend but hated that feeling of wondering whether I was justified in feeling upset because... and whether I'd look paranoid if I said anything about... Ugh, too much effort.

Now I'd pretty much rule this guy out straight away, he may say it was all cool at the party and you have nothing to worry about, or he may imply that you're reading too much into it, but nothing will change your instinctive reaction that this weekend was a dick move by him (to be honest, when you said he was out of contact all weekend, he sealed the deal). And trying to squash your feelings just means you'll feel they're invalid, and you'll end up feeling resentful and unable to express yourself without worrying about how it comes across. Too much effort.. I'm sure there are much nicer guys interested in a more grown up relationship with you!

HellonHeels · 13/02/2017 22:11

The more you say about him the less appealing he sounds.

HellonHeels · 13/02/2017 22:12

I'm wondering if you've actually had a few reservations about him already and this hot tub thing has just brought them out more?

PutneyPandora · 13/02/2017 22:13

You mentioned that you haven't had the exclusivity chat yet so I'm afraid you'll have to assume he could be dating and/or shagging other women....of course he may not be but sounds like sharing a drunken naked bath with a woman...hmmm wonder where that led to?
His actions have now made you question what you are.
If you want to have a relationship with this man, then you need to have an honest, open chat with him . Does he want exclusivity? Is he feeling the same way? Where's his head? Communication is key here.
I would certainly not expect this type of behaviour in an exclusive relationship.
Important not to assume or judge...just talk. Wish you well.

Angleshades · 13/02/2017 22:15

I would send him on his way too. It would just leave me feeling a bit uncomfortable and it would take the shine off the budding relationship for me. I wouldn't be rude or confrontational though, I'd just say 'this isn't for me' and leave it at that.

CalmItKermitt · 13/02/2017 22:24

He sounds a bit of an immature twat. The obsession with hot tubs is cringey. But then I've never quite got the appeal.

JK1773 · 13/02/2017 22:24

I wouldn't like that at all. But playing Devils advocate it might just have been drunken tomfoolery and maybe trying to prove he's popular if he's a bit lacking in confidence. I think on his part it was very unwise but maybe explain to him you didn't like it. Personally I don't get the 'exclusivity' chat and why that is necessary if you're seeing someone. I think you know if it's going well or not. If you think it is going well then tell him how it made you feel, set some boundaries. If he doesn't respect that maybe it's not going as well as you thought. Don't throw things away over this unnecessarily, you're just getting to know each other and it might just be a silly drunken picture. Good luck

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 22:29

I agree that if it mkes me uncomfortable then it does mean not compatible in terms of our core behaviour and values. I have been trying to work on mine because I have not had great relationships usually end up with very low self esteem. I'm not into the "lad" thing. I feel like the amount he mentioned the hot tub and crazy alcohol fuelled party was almost like a test to see how I would react because he was clearly loving how laddish it all sounded. When he did finally get in touch and eventually asked how my weekend had been and I said it had been quite difficult because of an ongoing issue, he just brushed it aside and ended the text convo. it sort of feels like In fact this could be quite casual to him now my rosy specs are off slightly! I hear from him every couple of days in the lead-up to seeing him. We haven't gone on a date in about 3 weeks because he always has some reason why I should just go to his. I guess this was all probably worrying me a bit because I've started to like him a lot and the weekend away has maybe made me see he's seeing this whole thing a bit differently.
I'm not really into the whole casual dating scene, I would rather just find someone straight up who puts in the effort and is clear about how they see things. Hot tubs and crazy female friends are not my scene these days.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 13/02/2017 22:32

You could talk to him about what you both want, not necessarily what you are asking for right more from him, but what your ideas of what could be developing between you. He might be to for marriage and kids, you might just want someone to repoint the brickwork be just up for dating. It could Just be a talk, not The Talk.

HellonHeels · 13/02/2017 22:33

Dating for six weeks but not been on a date for the last three? Just getting you round to his place for a shag?

What do you have in common? What attracted you to him?

Ohyesiam · 13/02/2017 22:34

Just read your last post. Sounds like you really know what you want. Good men with lots of integrity are out there, you deserve one.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/02/2017 22:41

When he suggested that you just go to his in the last few weeks, did you always go?

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 23:02

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach

You wouldn't be okay with your OH hanging out in a hot tub with his friends? Why not?

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 23:04

Just muddling- yes Blush on one occasion I did pull back and say I'd meet him in town instead but he did keep referring to me coming over and "when he would get to go to bed with me again" Hmm which I sort of laughed off. But actually he doesn't really do/say sweet stuff or show what he thinks about me, that has declined in the time I've neen seeing him. I thought maybe that's just his reserved personality but how reserved can mr hot tub be! I guess I have felt like his behaviour has been a bit lacking in effort.
We had such a lovely first few dates, he booked restaurants I would like, films I wanted to see, but nothing like that for a few weeks now. For me it's actually a bit routine just going round his, i was getting slightly bored before he went on this weekend, but in a frustrated way because I want things to be as they were before! I did really like him and feel excited about him, we have same sense of humour, same interests and goals with career etc. He seemed sweet and attentive and like he genuinely liked me.

I don't want to feel flat or confused at this early stage. It's rubbish.

I bought him a valentines card and tiny present, asked if I could meet him when he was on way back from his weekend as he was passing through my station, as I had something for him-- he barely reacted! Said he was actually going through a different station (then working away this week so i can't give it to him before v day. I know he hadn't got me anything as he doesn't believe in it.). It again felt a bit weird and off. Spidey senses? I am trying to trust my instincts which are amazingly rusty! If someone had a gift for me and I was anywhere nearby I'd make the effort Hmm

OP posts:
Bexster02 · 13/02/2017 23:05

This is a hard 1 . Myself personally as its only 6 weeks id get rid but the big question is , do you trust him . What was initial feeling when you saw the puc x

ReggaeShark · 13/02/2017 23:21

He's on a different page I think. Cut him loose OP before you invest any more time and emotion in him.

Twiggy71 · 13/02/2017 23:24

Go with your gut Op which is telling you its not right Flowers

Gingerbreadlass · 13/02/2017 23:33

anyFucker is spot on, you want very different things/have a very different set of values. I posted a while ago about someone I was seeing and I came onto the 30day thread to get some advice and all these lovely wome who commented and especially AF were right. He was easily available if I put in the effort but couldn't return for something I left him at a place of work.His job is v transient and he doesn't return to that please the next day. He never even bothered to pick up what I left him. Sad

Evaluate this man on all levels but you sound like a lovely woman who'd be a catch for anyone and he doesn't fully appreciate it. He should be keen and curious about every little bit of you. If he's not then that doesn't bode very well. Keep him at arm's length and see if he comes running back but if he doesn't, remind yourself that it's his loss, not yours. Plenty of fish in the sea! Don't try and bond yourself to someone who doesn't care enough x

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 13/02/2017 23:38

Yes he wouldn't be the man for me either. Also you said that he didn't mention this woman was going/had gone. Was there a reason behind that?

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 13/02/2017 23:40

Just read your last couple of posts.
Sorry I would get rid op. He sounds like he is just after fwb and you aren't.
His actions aren't of someone head over heels in the first flush of lust/love.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 23:56

Something is off about him.... I don't think I trust him and he has possibly been showing me who he really is bit by bit. From probably big stuff like no foreplay before sex (why didn't I speak up!! It hurt!) to little stuff like ignoring a sweet message and making me feel anxious for having sent it.
this hot tub thing does basically feel disrespectful. But it's not the only thing.
He is away this week so not sure whether to just text an end to it or wait for face to face chat.

OP posts: