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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this ok? (New guy, not sure)

181 replies

Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 14:38

Quick straw poll: Guy you're seeing for 6 weeks, sleeping with etc, goes away for a (female) friend's birthday weekend (apparently about 8 people there, old uni friends.) Gets tagged in a photo naked in a hot tub wth also naked girl (another female "friend") Looking very cosy. Alcohol everywhere.
Is that ok?
Thoughts..?

OP posts:

SparklingRaspberry · 13/02/2017 18:58

You can usually tell if someone is wearing a strapless bikini by their chest..

But whether they have anything on or not, it wouldn't be okay with me

FA1062 · 13/02/2017 19:00

So we've gone from naked in a hot tub to not knowing if they were naked at all. Uni friends in a hot tub together possibly wearing what everyone else would wear in a Hot tub? 6 weeks together...

On that basis guilty as sin.

Huskylover1 · 13/02/2017 19:01

Well, knowing me, I would explode at this....been cheated on before and DH gets no allowances at all, poor sod.

Surely, she must have a bikini on though? I mean who would jump in to a hot tub naked with a guy that isn't her BF, esp when other people are in it/around.

I'd keep monitoring it....she's bound to post more and more pics as the night wears on....also check out pics on the other people's pages.

Huskylover1 · 13/02/2017 19:03

You can usually tell if someone is wearing a strapless bikini by their chest

Indeed. If knockers are on display, I would conclude that no bikini top is being worn.

fwiw, I am sure she does have a top on.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 13/02/2017 19:06

This only thing that matters is how you feel about it and whether that meshes with how he feels about it. If it's wrong in your book it's OK to feel so.

And I say this as somebody whose partner does/did regularly do naked hot tub parties with old friends and festival goers. me too, in theory, but these days I'd drown Archimedes We'd be more likely to be Having Words re being in the Trout Pout crowd, or if he spotted me drinking non-craft beer! But that's our shared values.

OP, if you aren't happy with this, you are perfectly free to talk to him, or simply walk if you think it's not worth the effort. You answer to you.

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 19:07

Maybe next time I'm dating somebody, in the early stages but not yet exclusive, I'll get an old friend to put up a picture of a bunch of us in a hot tub as a measure for weeding out the nut-jobs.

FA1062 · 13/02/2017 19:10

Indeed Red Sauce...

Having words! After 6 weeks ?

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2017 19:18

I would just find yourself lots of other things to do, and people to see. Since you are worried about looking paranoid, I would behave as if, since seeing the hot tub photo, he has just become less attractive, and in fact deeply boring to you.

Dahlietta · 13/02/2017 19:23

So actually, you are assuming they are both naked because you can't see bikini straps on the girl? But there is somebody else in the hot tub who is definitely not naked? Wouldn't it be a bit weird for somebody in swimwear to get into a hot tub with two naked people? I'm prepared to be told no - I don't go to many hot tub parties...
Anyway, I would ask him about it and see what he says. He clearly hasn't tried to hide anything (unless, ahem, he is naked!). See how you feel about his answer.

Huskylover1 · 13/02/2017 19:25

redsauce and FA1062

So, regards your current partners, you would have been OK, if 6 weeks in, they sat naked in a hot tub with naked girls?

Very cool wives.

Dreadfulidea · 13/02/2017 19:28

If you are only 6 weeks in it will be pretty hard to determine the truth from a chat. I'd leave him alone and definitely not shag him again. If and when he comes back, then I'd hold out until he wants to make it a proper relationship. Give yourself time to see how he behaves generally. Otherwise he'll just expect sex and nice times and in a few months do the whole " I thought you just wanted fun too"
Until your " going out" then I'd be considering myself single and available.

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 19:29

So, regards your current partners, you would have been OK, if 6 weeks in, they sat naked in a hot tub with naked girls?

It seems pretty unlikely that they were naked tbh. Read the post above yours for a start.

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 19:30

What gingerbread said is kind of what I meant. The tag line of her post was: "So at x's weekend away there was a hot tub"
I just feel like when I've really liked a guy I would care if he thought I was in a hot tub cosy with some unknown guy at an overnight party with loads of "alcohol abuse" (his words!) But he has been really mentioning the hot tub a lot as though it was like the main event! Seems immature.
It's not that I doubt whether I think it is an ok thing for a guy to do I'm
Trying to sanity check whether I have a "right" to bring it up with him at this stage.

OP posts:

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 19:31

huskylover1

So, regards your current partner, you would have dumped them if 6 weeks in (before you were even exclusive together), they sat innocently in a hot tub with their friends?

In my opinion they'd be well shot of anyone who did!

Kabex · 13/02/2017 19:35

I would be jealous and upset too, I would need to have a chat about it. Good luck, everything happens for the best

HellonHeels · 13/02/2017 19:40

Hot tubs are grim. I'd be quite put off by his antics, naked hot tubbing or clothed, but I am a grumpy battleaxe.

Cleebope · 13/02/2017 19:40

Personally if I was in a new relationship 6weeks in I would expect him to be so crazy about me that I wouldn't accept that sort of shenanigans! But I would give him a chance to explain and possibly grovel first before ending it. You should tell him honestly how let down you feel though.

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 13/02/2017 19:41

This is why i tried to keep my op neutral. I don't need anyone calling me a nutjob. Is this what guys do now? 24 hours after sex with someone they've been seeing twice a week and supposedly really like/want to impress? I wouldn't mind but this girl has posted multiple selfies from the party no one else has. Who gives a shit if there was a hot tub?! Her post felt weirdly pointed considering it was yet another shit selfie and yes it did look compromising. "liked" by a lot of his male friends who don't know the girl/s involved, but do know me. and him showing off multiple times about the hot tub as if it's some new tangled invention and the height of cool....... and now I'm being told on here that it's completely insane for me to even have a view?
Sorry I'm not a cool girl
Thanks to those who have not tried to make me feel crazy. Had enough of that from EA ex.....

OP posts:

FA1062 · 13/02/2017 19:45

If you don't like it, end it. Not sure why you need opinions of random people to do that. Everyone has different tolerance levels and 6 weeks in this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Have you even asked him if they were naked? If not, why not?

Trills · 13/02/2017 19:48

Her posting a lot of selfies makes it more likely that he has done nothing at all.

If she had posted just a picture with him, maybe she was trying to make a point.

If she is a habitual picture-poster, having one of those pictures be with him is much less meaningful.

Destinysdaughter · 13/02/2017 19:50

Have you asked him about it yet OP?

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 19:51

OP, I'm sorry that your ex was EA, maybe that explains why you're not able to see things quite so clearly now.

I don't really understand what the issue is. It's not about being cool, it's about not being possessive/jealous in what is not even a relationship yet (as you've said you're not yet exclusive, I'd say you guys are dating but not in a relationship).

Anyway that's actually irrelevant because you haven't given us any evidence that he's done anything wrong anyway! So the girl posted selfies from the party, including one of some of them in a hot tub (the thought that they are naked is a big leap and seems extremely paranoid), what do the selfies have to do with the guy you're dating? We all know somebody who is a bit too obsessed with putting photos on social media, and while it may be slightly irritating, I don't really see the relevance here.

In summary, it feels like you're saying that a guy you're just barely seeing went to a party and had fun and there happened to be some girls there, and one of them posted photos of herself and of the party. But there is no real suggestion that anything untoward happened. So to confront him WOULD seem paranoid and jealous, sorry.

Trills · 13/02/2017 19:52

I am not saying that he IS innocent of all wrongdoing or dodgyness or flirting or "doing things you don't like", I'm simply saying that he COULD be, and you won't know until you speak to him.

Nothing you have reported is intrinsically bad behaviour.

Huskylover1 · 13/02/2017 19:54

PrincessMolly you are not crazy.

You have been dating this man for 6 weeks, you're sleeping with him, you really feel it's going somewhere....now photo's pop up on FB, of him in a Hot Tub with 2 girls, possibly naked.....of course you aren't going to say "that's nice".....your mind will go in to overdrive wondering WTAF is happening here.

The cool wives (imo) have very very low standards, as to what you should expect from men. It's a new relationship, sure, but where's the magic cut off?

Naked hot tub shenanigans is ok at 6 weeks, but not 12 weeks? Pah. Rubbish.

Don't lower your standards. and for you.

Cuppaoftea · 13/02/2017 19:54

I'd go with Butterymuffin's advice.

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