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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp moody cos I can't have sex for 6 weeks

338 replies

Rizzo03 · 12/02/2017 12:30

I've just had treatment for cervical cancer so I can't have sex for 6 weeks, he knew this right from the start, we are now in week 2 and he's moody, tense and there's an atmosphere. There's also a lot of other things going on, my dad has just died and his ex is causing trouble his dd wants to live with her mum, all adding to the pressure. I just feel really down with it all and I needed somewhere to moan

OP posts:
Niskayuna · 12/02/2017 16:05

Appalling and an absolute dealbreaker. His 'atmosphere' is a threat. He is trying to coerce you.

I mean, honestly, he has an ill partner, bleeding, recovering from cancer, and he's demanding a blow job. That is stomach-churning, and it is in fact criminal. Coercing women into sex is criminal. There's a reason you're not raising your voice and telling him to fuck off - what is that reason? Does he raise his voice too? Break things? Act threatening?

I really hope this has opened your eyes to the kind of man he is and answered your question, that yes, everyone else finds this utterly reprehensible.

Klaphat · 12/02/2017 16:06

Surely he'd discussed alternatives to PIV with you?? When I had my vasectomy, I did other things for my ex. Surely that's what you do??

Sorry but six weeks without sex is IMO not cause to lay down a contingency plan. DH and I would never think to discuss this in advance in this context, what with sex not actually being that important.

MrsderPunkt · 12/02/2017 16:06

Well give him a box of tissues and tell him he's sleeping on the sofa!

SpartacusWoman · 12/02/2017 16:13

The death of your father alone is enough to not make you feel like sex ATM, I know I wasn't in the mood after my Dads death. Dh never tried to initate, he didn't sulk, he didn't make me feel guilty, if he did, I genuinely think I would leave him.

I know it's an overused used word, but he an entitled cunt, he doesn't think he should masturbate cos you're there? He'd have you wank him or give him a blowjob he knows you don't want to give because you're worrying about your health and grieving for your Dad?

I'd never want him touching me again. He doesn't sound like he cares if you actually want to have sex, and his annoyance is coming from your reluctance to put his dick before you're health and grief and agree to service him in other ways. He doesn't get automatic rights to your body just because he's in a relationship with you, and there's a word for men who coerce women to consent by being moody and sulky and giving them guilt trips.

I think if you weren't having the treatment and were not in the mood due to grief alone he'd be less sympathetic, as in, he knows he can't blame you for no sex due to the cervical, but if that wasn't happening , he'd be thinking you don't have an excuse for saying no in the same way he thinks you shouldn't be saying no to servicing him with your mouth. IYSWIM?

He doesn't give a fuck how you are feeling, he's prioritising his wish to access to your body over his concern for your comfort and wellbeing.

Phoebefromfriends · 12/02/2017 16:15

I third the cricket bat to the nether regions.

Seriously OP this sounds abusive, coercion is illegal and his behaviour definitely borders on this. I'm genuinely concerned that despite the hospital's guidelines you considered having sex with this man. To even consider it means your perspective of what is acceptable in a relationship is skewed. Could you contact Women's Aid?

His behaviour isn't normal and definitely isn't loving. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the anxiety you must be feeling about your treatment, you deserve better than this.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2017 16:20

Sorry Rizz, the more you say about him, the more disgusting he is. Through him a box of tissues and tell him to go to the bathroom. Whilst he's at it, he can sleep on the couch. He cares not one jot for you, he has just demonstrated that. You physically cannot have sex, he's bloody animal op. I woukd seriously contact Woman's Aid, and have an exit plan. He's demonstrated to you how he really is, he's a sex pest.

tricornel · 12/02/2017 16:22

I'd ask him to leave for a few days. I've been there with the sexual coercion. Moody bastard husband doing the boo-boo me act a couple of weeks after I'd given birth (for the second time in little over a year). Sulking and all that ridiculous bollocks. If he thinks he can't possible have a wank because he's not single - make it so. Then decide if going forward you can put up with this pitiful level of care and concern from him. Sorry for your loss, and hope you get better soon Flowers

UnbornMortificado · 12/02/2017 16:25

Rizzo Shock

I have nothing to add that hasn't been said but I'm wishing you a speedy recovery Flowers

Rizzo03 · 12/02/2017 16:32

Well I'm dreading tonight !

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2017 16:41

Why what's happening.

tricornel · 12/02/2017 16:41

What's up Rizzo?Brew

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 12/02/2017 16:44

Reading your posts has made my skin crawl.

How on earth can you lie in bed next to this revolting arsehole?

LTB.

tricornel · 12/02/2017 16:44

If he starts to strip or moan, tell him to grow up and go to a different room. I really am raging on your behalf Angry

LineysRun · 12/02/2017 16:48

There's something wrong with him.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2017 16:49

Don't dread tonight- make the tosser sleep on the sofa from the outset Angry

venusinscorpio · 12/02/2017 16:49

TheNaze

Why on earth would you think it's appropriate that a recently bereaved woman with cervical cancer should find some other way of sexually servicing her partner when she's not feeling it?

And a vasectomy is nothing like having treatment for cancer. I imagine sex isn't top priority for her.

HelenDenver · 12/02/2017 16:54

God.

If he wanted to feel close to you, maybe asking you to stroke his hair or hold him would be good. Not "service me, woman"

peaceout · 12/02/2017 17:09

He see's you as a malfunctioning piece of equipment OP, he doesnt care that you are a person who is in physical and emotional pain, he is only concerned with his own needs.
Stop doing anything for him and put your own needs, comfort and convenience first, dont do anything unless it directly benefits you

Againagain97 · 12/02/2017 17:11

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Surely he'd discussed alternatives to PIV with you?? When I had my vasectomy, I did other things for my ex. Surely that's what you do??

Op has.....she's told him to have a wank, but he can't because he's not single!

She doesn't want to be forced to give him a blow job!

It's six fucking weeks, not six fucking years! Even if it was six years for medical reasons or forever for medical reasons then that's the way it is.

teresa2003 · 12/02/2017 17:43

He cant have a wank because youre next to him and hes not single?? Just shows he thinks thats part of your job description!! Or maybe he thinks you should sleep on the settee or something so he can gave one without embarrassment.... l mean after all its all your dault [sceptical] What a prick. LTB (my first too)!!

teresa2003 · 12/02/2017 17:45

fault

Maverickismywingman · 12/02/2017 17:48

No one is obligated to provide sex of any description to anyone. Regardless of relationship status.

Saying no to going solo is cutting his nose off.

Hope all is ok tonight Riz

Janey50 · 12/02/2017 17:52

You are having cancer treatment. Your dad has just died. And he's sulking because he can't have sex for a few weeks? Good grief. Is it any wonder some women have such a low opinion of men when their need to get their leg over is more important than anything else? Poor you OP. I wish you a speedy recovery. Flowers for you.

YouHadMeAtCake · 12/02/2017 17:57

Naze Biscuit

HateSummer · 12/02/2017 17:57

What an arsehole. You have a life threatening illness and you're dealing with grief, but he wants sex. Well fuck off to that!

Forget him and concentrate on yourself. Don't be made to feel guilty about it. You deserve better.