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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp moody cos I can't have sex for 6 weeks

338 replies

Rizzo03 · 12/02/2017 12:30

I've just had treatment for cervical cancer so I can't have sex for 6 weeks, he knew this right from the start, we are now in week 2 and he's moody, tense and there's an atmosphere. There's also a lot of other things going on, my dad has just died and his ex is causing trouble his dd wants to live with her mum, all adding to the pressure. I just feel really down with it all and I needed somewhere to moan

OP posts:
eurochick · 12/02/2017 13:50

I am stunned by his selfishness. He'd put your health at risk because he wants to get his end away? What an utter, utter fuckwit.

Maverickismywingman · 12/02/2017 13:50

Please don't have sex just to make him less moody.
As PP said, even cancer treatment aside, getting guilted into sex is never ok.
And the cancer treatment side of it - it will be VERY painful for yourself and will highly increase the chance of infection (which could lead to other complications.....and also more healing time which equals even more time without sex)

He's a big lad, if he can't work out how to sort out his sexual frustrations by now....I mean, sorry to be crude, but can't he just have a wank??Confused

All the other stuff also requires head space, and emotionally, it's understandable that sex isn't on the highest of your priorities.

I think if it means getting angry, then you need to get angry. Grief is a strange confusing thing. There's a great quote which says "grief is like an ocean. It comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it's overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim".
Do whatever's best for you OP. A good team supports each other, and doesn't bully someone into doing something they don't want to.

Original poster
Rizzo03 · 12/02/2017 13:52

Yeh I should never of suggested it I know, in a funny way I was hoping he'd perhaps say oh no we can't risk that , but he just went on more about the idea! I did try and talk to him yesterday as I know he's under a lot of pressure ATM, he said sex is his way with dealing with stressful situations and he feels he can't get close to me. He suggested I gave him a blow job , but well I just don't feel like doing that at the mo. He says then I don't know why you find that so repulsive! It's not that it's just I just don't feel like doing that ATM, I don't mind getting intimate etc but the more he's being moody the more I don't want to. I'm still bleeding too so that doesn't make me feel very sexy. He says he knows it's not my fault, but he still continues to make me feel guilty.

OP posts:
YouHadMeAtCake · 12/02/2017 13:53

Oh OP, he's a sex pest, please don't stay with him. My skin is actually crawling for you.

Maverickismywingman · 12/02/2017 13:57

Don't feel guilty. It's frustrating that he can't see that your head is on other things just now.

TBH if it was me, I'd just say that him talking about it all the time just makes you want to do it less and that I was so stressed out of my box that all I would want to do is sit in peace with a cup of tea.

RedAndYellowStripe · 12/02/2017 13:59

Yep sex pest.
Oh and the 'I don't know why you did that repulsive' line... Because you are supposed to find that nice and have no say in what you like and don't like. RIiight....

Original poster
Rizzo03 · 12/02/2017 14:00

I know I am quite shocked at his lack of support with this. As he is normally pretty supportive with things but I have seen a different side of him.

I am not in a great place ATM my dad had a year long struggle with cancer and it was awful seeing him deteriorate and deal with it all, it's also brought back when my mum died too as she died of the same disease, he has been supportive over the last year with what happened with my dad, and when I found out about my own health around about the same time, he was don't worry I'll help you through it and he was good when I had the procedure done etc. But living it he just doesn't seem to be able to cope and we're only in week 2 ! It's making me so low, I can't just leave like that even if I wanted to.

OP posts:
TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 12/02/2017 14:00

Please don't have sex until your cervix has healed, even with a condom it can cause infection (I know as my ex badgered after a miscarriage and I ended up with a really bad infection), and I imagine that after treatment for cervical cancer you would be in a lot of pain if not properly healed.

You have nothing to feel guilty about - no one is owed sex from a partner, especially in these circumstances, and if he thinks that getting his end away takes priority over a) your cancer treatment, and b) your grief from losing your father then there's something very wrong with him.

Flowers
Miserylovescompany2 · 12/02/2017 14:01

Your recovery trumps his NEED for sex. If he's so desperate for a release then he has a hand that will do the job. Don't let him pressure you. Yes, he has stuff going on, it doesn't mean he has justification to act like a petulant man-child because he isn't getting his end away.

INeedNewShoes · 12/02/2017 14:03

I take back everything I said. He's a selfish, nasty man.

Don't put up with this.

Topseyt · 12/02/2017 14:04

Booble, it is the OP who has lost her Dad, in addition to her treatment for cervical cancer. Do read the post.

OP, Flowers for you. Your last update saying that he has confirmed lack of sex is the issue makes me angry. He is acting like a petulant teenager, or worse. I would be telling him that in no uncertain terms.

I wonder if he treated his ex in any such similar way. Or does he refer to her as a psycho who didn't understand his needs?

I really hope you recover well now from your treatment, and that you have some proper real life support to cope with both that and the loss of your Dad.

I am sorry for everything you are going through at this time. However, I suspect this man is showing you his true colours. Don't let him pressure you. As another poster says, go nuclear if he tries.

Be as kind to yourself as possible. One day at a time. Don't put yourself under pressure either

Original poster
Rizzo03 · 12/02/2017 14:07

It's my fault to suggest the condom thing, but obviously thinking about it of course it could still cause infection, what was I thinking! I'm glad I posted it's making me realise I shouldn't feel guilty even if he is going through a hard time!

OP posts:
MouseClogs · 12/02/2017 14:09

I am genuinely speechless at this, OP. I've known some arseholes in my time, believe me, my life has been reasonably colourful but I've never come across anyone that has done anything like this.

I have a very high sex drive and believe me, nobody needs sex. Nobody. The vast majority of single men go without sex for months and even years on end, with only the odd shah to punctuate and strangely they all seem to manage fine. Another party is not required to orgasm, which is what the stress-relieving component actually is.

Jesus Christ, most of the men I know who've been in comparable circumstances with their partner (i.e. have had to forego sex for a whole for physical or medical reasons) have been NERVOUS or cautious when the time came to get going again, just in case it was too soon.

MouseClogs · 12/02/2017 14:10

Odd shag, rather!

Chloe84 · 12/02/2017 14:19

He is happy to endanger your health for sexual gratification and pressure you for a BJ while you're grieving for your dad. This would make me question the whole relationship.

Klaphat · 12/02/2017 14:21

He is happy to endanger your health for sexual gratification and pressure you for a BJ while you're grieving for your dad. This would make me question the whole relationship.

The fact that he evidently sees the OP as a dysfunctional household sex appliance would have me out of there like a shot.

Hugepeppapigfan · 12/02/2017 14:22

Yikes. He sounds truly awful. My DP and I haven't had sex for around 4 weeks because I'm a bit poorly with winter viruses. He's coping. No way would be pester me in this situation never mind in yours!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2017 14:31

Sorry you need to LTB, obviously he sees himself more important than your health and well being.

F1GI · 12/02/2017 14:33

What a fucking disgusting animal your partner is. Do you have kids with him?

whoputthecatout · 12/02/2017 14:35

I would be asking if this man even loves me. You simply don't treat someone you love like that.

Finola1step · 12/02/2017 14:36

Your health comes first. Every time. No exceptions.

HelenDenver · 12/02/2017 14:38

What a horrible bell end.

Missbohan · 12/02/2017 14:39

Christ. This just made my stomach churn - partner has just had treatment for cervical cancer and he is demanding a blow job. Wow. Just wow. Sorry op but this would turn me off him to the point that I wouldn't feel like having sex with him again in 6 weeks or 6 years. How vile and selfish of him. There are standard arsehole things that men do but this is something else imo.

HecateAntaia · 12/02/2017 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2017 14:46

Nasty, nasty bastard Angry

Make plans to get rid of him, he's vile