The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Oh no! They would go down like a lead balloon then … which in fairness, would also be the case with 90% of the population

I have been lurking but had to post as Dieu's jokes made me laugh .

Have a second date with my iron later this week ( can't remember what I called him ! I'll call him Mr West). This is a novel situation for me- a second date that I'm really excited about. Desperately trying not to OI, not least because he still lives with his wife, so more probing needed. But he is lovely!

I've taken a major step away from OLD... last iron messaged daily, we arranged to meet for coffee. I had to reschedule (only by 2 days) due to an illness he was already aware of. Needless to say, I get a message saying cant meet me, deleting account, personal issues have arisen. Don't know what to make of that. Just glad he didn't get my number. So that's me pissed off with the whole thing.

Pleased for you Clawdeen!
Please change his name though. It makes me think of Fred West!

Och, that's really shite IIT.

I could say it's not you, it's him etc, but it still feels crappy I'll bet.

Oh instinctively that's awful. Sorry to hear that. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape- he sounds very uncaring and inflexible.

dieu oh goodness, you're right! That's given me the creeps. Ok, he can be Mr finance.

better

Just the latest in a long line of men who either don't have manners or are too pushy for words. Like others have said, its a numbers game. Im a bit of an open book, which might be a problem. Not mysterious enough.

Which OLD site are you on?

Try and hold a bit of yourself back. Not for their benefit, but in order to protect yourself. I am always left feeling horribly vulnerable if I reveal too much of myself, too early on. And more easily let down.

Been on here loads today, far more than normal. You can tell I've got work to be getting on with!

Well...I have missed some good posts today.

On the sexting thing....I get the feeling I am the about the only woman on here (or in general??) who really likes it and doesn't mind it with people I haven't yet slept with. :) (or even met in the flesh in some cases)
Obviously I have to have an attraction to them and been chatting for a few days - but i truly have no objections. it isn't the same as having actual sex to me.

As long as you know your boundaries and don't do anything you don't want to (for me that means no photos) I feel perfectly at ease with it and get my own erm...satisfaction from it. it isn't just a favour for the man.
Feel like i am a bit different from almost all the other women on here in that regard...

I admit that one of my irons did end up making me feel a bit used in that respect - but I did recognise it pretty quickly. But i was still a willing participant.

It is all about the boundaries. Mine are getting stronger and stronger and still I do fancy a bit of the other and see no harm...
But obviously it is always up to the individual and we are all different.

Info - In my opinion she might have started having second thoughts after she found out you liked her. That is pretty common. You start looking at someone differently when you are aware of their feelings. Could that be the case?

I would just bring it up with her. "I love our chats in the evenings and do still fancy you - any chance you might have changed your mind about that date?"

I'm quite partial to a bit of sexting too remember
Definitely engaged in some with Mr Bright when it became apparent that we were attracted, & going to be intimate
And it was delicious
He has an excellent style of sexting though, never vulgar or full on.
Gets me quite hot I can tell you
You are not alone!!

ugh so it's been a while...I was dating someone for two months - met on an online site. He was lovely - meeting up regularly, always in contact. But...about two weeks ago it started to feel "hollow" if you know what i mean? I didn't feel it was progressing beyond weekly dates. I decided to be a bit upfront which lead to some rather distressing texts last week about how he had decided we didn't have similar life goals and values - the differences were so fundamental he didn't think there was any point saying what they were (wtf?!) but that if it would be great to keep seeing each other provided we both understood it didn't have long term potential....so basically could be go from nearly boyfriend and girlfriend to a weekly hook up??!

I really like him but I not looking for something casual so I said no. Now feel sad and lonely. Horrible to think that I have to start again. Online dating is so hard. But I know I need to take the good stuff and learn from the hard bits. Still, a bit ego bruising though...

Can't decide if his way of ending it was to save my feelings (ie he wasn't into me and the life goals/values was just a line so he didn't have to say that) or if it is a sign that he is not ready for anything more. Having thought about it a lot, it has been helpful because it has clarified some of my own values. I want a relationship where there is communication and openness. Not needing to mind read and second guess. I hadn't got to the stage where i was considering our long term compatibility, i was just focusing on whether or not i was having a good time. But if I had reached that stage and wasn't sure we were on the same page, i would have had a conversation with him about it to figure things out.

So yes. Back online, trying to feel positive, trying to feel like i am a prize to be won, trying to feel excited that i am now free to meet an amazing man. But ugh how hard to start again....

Have had some positive messages tonight saying he just can't stop thinking about me, he wants to get to know me better and it's not just about sex, none of these were instigated by me saying anything so I'm feeling slightly more positive

Hi there - can I join in please?

Started OLD Oct 2015, relationship Jan- Sep that I finished because it wasn't going anywhere. We were friends who had sex. We didn't even talk much, but he was a safe bet based on my ex who wasn't very nice.

Sep-Oct and a couple of dates but no spark.

The Nov and I met someone, DTD first date and both came off all sites. He lives 1.5hr away and I travel there for Sat/Sunday because it suits both of us. We've quickly settled into a routine of mooseburgers, cooking and watching television. Rarely go out because we get on well and enjoy each others company.

Can feel it drifting into the same territory as the last 'relationship' though. Exclusive but not long term iykwim.

I don't want declarations of love - yet - but I do want them at some stage.

Feels too good to finish it - he's kind, funny, interesting and amazing in bed - but not good enough to stay waiting for something that might not happen. It doesn't feel like a relationship. It feels like FWB. On First Dates last week someone said that wanted someone who had their back. That's what I want, and this doesn't feel like it.

Circumstances dictate I won't see him for a fortnight now, and I really want to go on Tinder to see if I'm being stupid and greedy, or if there is someone else out there for me.

I wouldn't dream of DTD with anyone, but I feel like I'm missing something. Then I read about some of the charmers you have all met and I wonder if I should be grateful for what I have.

Arghhh - I hate this dissatisfied, unsettled feeling!

Would love some advice please x

possibly - that's just how I feel. Hollow sums it up. I don't feel it's progressing - we'll be doing the same this time next year and I think I want more.

I'm not considering long term at the moment either but I want to know it's a possibility.

And feeling sooooo meh about maybe having to start again

Hmm. Well, messaging my date for this week is becoming a struggle. She never asks questions. I've got to start every topic of conversation, there just isn't much of a flow.

I hate when you have to force things like this, I know that messaging isn't necessarily an indicator of how conversation will go once we've met, but..

She asked me on a date. I said yes.
She hasn't told me a single joke, and seems to be logging on and off whatsapp every few seconds, possibly chatting to multiple irons, being online and not my messages for a few minutes, so talking to someone else. Could be a friend, could be another date. I'm not angsty about that, I'm just thinking.. Well obviously I'm not capturing her attention that much, and she's not capturing mine.

Ah well, I'll see if she comes back with a conversation starter, or question. Otherwise I'll just leave it be.

Popcorn that's exactly how I feel with the man I'm seeing, I really like him, he lives quite far away so we don't see each other much, I'm not sure if it's ever going to go anywhere. I haven't seen him for over 2 weeks due to him having family problems and I just feel like it's not enough , I would like someone to spend the evenings with, someone to enjoy days out with and I would like sex more often , I'm finding the evenings hard as he hadn't been able to message me as much, I have found myself looking on tinder but I feel guilty replying to any messages on there.
I'm going to have to talk to him this week about where this is going and if it's not going anywhere I can move on and message a few people on tinder.

Yes - it's a feeling that creeps up slowly and then can't be shaken off - the actions are all there that give the impression that it is moving forwards, but I get a sense that the emotional connection is not deepening. I go through a week or so if telling myself I am over analysing and then it becomes clear.

No dating that has turned into a relationship has had this hollow feeling - it has moved forwards quite smoothly

Ps: does anyone get really disappointed online when a potential iron has a crap real life name?! Really shallow of me and wouldn't make me say no to a date...but still!

Seems like a few of us feeling the same, love and possibly. It does creep up on you and once I feel that way I can't pull it back. But he's such a nice guy, it just feels we've reached the end of the line. Feels so though, I really had high hopes for this one.

I've actively avoided anyone with the same name as my ex as he was a nasty piece of work possibly so I know what you mean!

Popcorn - it might not be what you want long term but it doesn't mean giving up on the relationship totally.

My approach would be to continue seeing him (as you like him) and at the same time make an effort to meet other people too. As you start to meet others, you will hopefully discover that there are other people out there offering what you want.

But of course you need to make it clear to your weekend date that this is what you are doing. he may actually step up when he realises he isn't giving you what you need.

But you are also looking after your long term needs.

I think eventually the question needs to be asked in whatever way you feel comfortable with as to what they are looking for.

Some people need a bit of a kick to turn their minds to it but they are on the same page. Others aren't and need to understand what you want so they can be honest with you and you can decide how to respond.

But if it's been a while and it's nice, it's got to be worth a conversation I reckon so there are no regrets