The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I hear you there Bant, that's what I had with WG. It was me that asked her out though rather than her.

I haven't talked to her and she hasn't contacted me.

Possibly - yes! Mr Overseas used an online name that i really hated - but i thought well I could always give him a pet name or something. I was so relieved to discover it wasn't his actual name. I had associated that name with someone i knew who was horrible. I would also avoid anyone with my ex's name too.

Bant - I am a prolific messager and always...always stay online throughout the entire conversation. You are having a conversation so it is only polite. It is like being in the same room as someone and turning your back on them regularly throughout the conversation.
If i need to go make a cup of tea or talk to someone else - I tell them I will be back in 5.
Also I never leave anyone hanging in the conversation stakes. My job means that I am a good writer and I have been told my messaging style is very engaging - but I expect the same in return. One word answers and failing to move the conversation forward (closed answers) will always lead to me closing the conversation down or asking them if they are tired or something. its just plain rude or uninspired.

Thank you possibly and remember - I think I'll take your advice and test the water. I get the feeling he's happy where we are and doesn't want to move things on, but I guess I've not lost anything by asking the question.

Possiblymaybeprobablynot Popcornandjam I actively avoid people with the same name as my ex. Thankfully haven't come across many.

Popcornandjam Dissatisfied this early into a potential relationship doesn't sound worth it to me. There are worse things than starting over on your own.

Bant Some people aren't very good with messaging. One of my mates is incapable of maintaining a conversation over text but is much more friendly IRL. Fingers crossed this woman turns out to be better in person!

So, after I decided to try to find some irons IRL, I've failed miserably. Made some new friends including some cute boys. Established early on that most of them had GFs so discounted them as potential irons. One was lovely and never mentioned having a GF so did some online stalking digging and of course he has a GF. All the good ones are bloody taken.

It hurts a little that such a lovely guy has a GF who looks a lot like the OW my ex left me for. I'm starting to get a complex about women who look like that...

love have you told Mr MOD you're looking on Tinder, even though you have no intention of doing more than chatting at the moment?

I know what you mean, remember, about turning your back on someone, but I think with messaging it's not the best analogy - I'm also on here, chatting to friends elsewhere. That's understandable, people do that, I don't have any right to be upset with her talking to other people or closing whatsapp to watch tv or whatever.

It's the fact that I have to push for responses, like with info and WG.

To be fair, she messages me good morning more often than I do her. Maybe, I dunno, maybe I just wish she'd be more enthusiastic about something.

Maybe I'm comparing her to my ex. That happens a lot.

pringle - not all the good ones are taken :)

Some of us are just difficult

Got a brother, Bant? I honestly don't know where to find a good'un. I had a look on OKC and when you go through the detail of the answered questions, they're all after sex and not a potential relationship. I've given up on POF. It was promising when I first joined and now just depressing. Guardian Soulmates is the same people from POF but with longer profiles.

How can it be this hard to find a man in such an overpopulated city?

Bant, sometimes with my friends if I get called away into doing something or get on the tube (and have no signal), I won't continue a conversation as the moment has passed. If it's the sort of conversation that ended with a question I need to answer (e.g. what time shall we meet at that place?) then I'll pick up the thread again, but not if it's really banal. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Popcorn, no I haven't told him I'm looking on Tinder but then I have hardly spoken to him for 2 weeks. He has just messaged me tonight and now I feel a bit guilty but then again I think he should be trying a little bit harder. I don't want him to message all the time, would just be nice if he sent me a couple of nice messages or it would be nice if he asked how I was instead of telling me what he's been up too. He kind of told me that he wasn't very good at showing feelings though I don't think that's his problem, I think he's just been single a long time and he is quite selfish. I like to be chased a little, I like quite a bit of attention even if it's just a few messages, I just feel he's not putting much effort in but then maybe I'm being selfish as he has got a lot going on.

Re messaging: I can only sustain it for so long. Find it stressful messaging someone I haven't met. Will do a bit to establish common ground and then to move it onwards, but then try to exit gracefully! Don't know what men make of that. The point of the messaging function though is to establish common ground and set up a date, and after that it's onto normal texting with less pressure.

Unless they just want a pen pal of course...and I reckon two days without agreeing a date is long enough to figure that out if you have been having a reasonable chat

well, this thread is moving on quickly.

info sorry to hear youre still having no luck, especially after the effort you put in with the wrspons grade girl. Did you ever get anyone to check out your photos in case thst was your stumbling block?

One of my real life irons has come back to me tonight on whatsapp after a six week break. He can go and whistle. He's obviously bored and at a loose end.

Yes six weeks of silence followed by a sudden return to life...wow. Did he try to explain the absence?? Your last text was so amazing he went into a love coma??

ha ha! No, he just said "Youve been quiet. Are you there?" I really cant be bothered as he seems to just want to sext and not meet. Ive never met him, just dealt with him on the phone & email at work a couple of years ago.

Gotta love a good pen pal...

Tindering without purpose has resulted in a possible date next week. Still sad about the previous iron but who knows. Sometimes the dates I look forward to the least are the best ones!

I do wish the femmes on POF wouldn't have a such a bee in their bonnets about 'meet me'. Some even have their headline as 'I don't have meet me'.

Everyone knows 'meet me' is a paid feature and if you were paid, you'd have a yellow dot so it's very clear that you don't have meet me this don't need to double advertise this.

Also, just ignore it if someone clicks meet me, no need to get excited about it :)

I've worked out how to meet someone. Start a dating blog. Put LOADS of effort into making it, design it all and then start adding content. Do loads and loads of work into it. Sods law says I'd be bound to meet someone straight after!!

Just had an awkward text conversation about Valentine's Day. Apparently he couldn't find a card to send me in the whole of Moonpig and Funky Pigeon. Last year I got 50 roses from the guy I'd been seeing for 5 weeks. Surely a card isn't too much to expect after 3 months? He's not interested really, is he?

InfoSec21 Les hommes do it too, you know. And often. (Sometimes it's in the profile rather than headline.) I always find it a bit weird.

Dieu thanks...I was on OKC. Previously on PoF and Match. Just registered with our local meet-up. Plenty going on there so I'll see how that goes. I get so narked reading profiles that are aggressive/whiny. Put me right off... I remember reading a profile that said he didn't want to meet women who still got on with their exes. I do with mine because we are parents....that will always be there. I wonder if it puts lots of men off?

InstinctivelyITry Am thinking about giving Meet Up a try too. Let us know if you fare any better with that site.

Well there are different levels of 'getting on' aren't there, itry?

Some people will be friendly and be able to have a reasonable conversation with their ex, especially if kids are involved.
Some never see their ex, have no contact, and possibly the ex was abusive
Some chat with their ex all the time about non-child related stuff, go round each other's houses all the time, and have strong feelings for them even apart from co-parenting.
Some have shouting matches in the street with them
Some still go on holiday with their ex, and share a room, even, for the sake of the children.

I'm happy with the first of those, the second is sad but understandable. The last two make me very uncomfortable. The third one, well, I avoid that kind of situation if possible. Speaking from experience.

So I don't think that getting on with your ex is going to put lots of men off, but some will have had bad experiences. Also, some are just twats.

Thanks Bant. I agree. We're civil, borderline friendly. Not at all in each others pockets. I'd dislike that immensely. Your explanation was really helpful, I can see both sides better now. Personal preferences rearing their heads again (and why wouldn't they)

Popcorn he sounds like a dick, surely he can find a card (they are all over the bloody place), I doubt I will get anything either .

oh no, it's valentine's day tomorrow - what's the protocal 7 weeks in?

I always hate this kind of thing. My preference is to ignore it, but I don't want to feel like an arse if something is expected?