The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Quick update ... Things have been going great with mr chef. 6 dates in. He came off POF a couple of weeks ago, I only know because I looked for him and he wasn't there, so I hid my profile too. He sees me whenever he has a free night.

After the first date I wasn't sure, yes liked him but not wow. But it's definitely grown and now is wow. So it just goes to show, sometimes a second date is needed if your not sure!
I had my concerns, young son ... Not what I wanted, mine are all late teens, head chef in his own successful restaurant so unsocial able hours always works weekends .... But, we just get each other ... I think the fact he was new to OD has helped ... He wanted to meet someone to have a relationship with, he met me .. end of ... no games!

Maybe it will all go tits up but I'm happy, so I'm carrying on with an open mind. Ooo and yes MB very nice too!

Pavonia can you elaborate, what are they not editing in their photos?

info Tinder links to your Facebook account so a lot of the profile photos are the same as they have on there. Photos of them as a child or with family or with the latest colours etc to show your support for something that is a year or two old. And no other photos. I think that's what pavonia means

Wingle that's great news.

I think if people have been on OLD for over a year then it has become a hobby in itself - sorry if that includes people here.

Anyway, this 'ghosting' thing? What do you say when you had a date, didn't want to take it further, he has not said he wants to either, but has sent a couple of texts? First one was after date and I said it was nice to meet him, thank you for coming [or something]. Second I have ignored. Neither have asked anything nor have they suggested another meeting [which would give me the anchor to say no thanks, it's not for me] so I don't want to assume he does want to see me again and say anything about that straightaway - so, am I ghosting him?

A chap last night chatted for a while, I went to bed (it was 1am) and when I logged on this morning all the messages had been deleted, very odd - can only assume he's married and deletes so that at least his wife doesn't see them of she finds out and logs in.

Another who is on there as aged 55 tells me he is 35 and can't change the age on there, 35 way too young for me at 48! Wonder if he did it on purpose to meet older women. :)

God, people are boring. One guy had almost nothing in his profile, says 'ask me and I'll tell you', his profession says 'just ask'.

So, I ask "what is your profession, am I allowed to guess" and then make three daft guesses.

he replies "no, I'm in sales". I ask 'what do you sell', he says 'sex toys lol'. I say 'obviously' and close the chat.

Yawn.

Totally dull. I hate empty profiles, would never ever message somebody with one.

You're right, I shouldn't have bothered.

Info the photos thing, a lot of men have photos of their children, sometimes a photo of a child alone will come up as their first photo. Sometimes there are multiple photos the same. Sometimes there are random photos included. I've even seen some sideways! Because Tinder requires square photos they sometimes they just don't work. Sometimes there are photos with what definitely looks like the wife or girlfriend.

I got a message back from Mr MOD, I haven't responded because I don't know what to say and because I feel pretty low at the moment ( I don't want to make a complete tit of myself ), he basically said that he has been really busy and had to work extra shifts at work, he said he really wants to spend more time with me and is looking for a different job, then he said he was tired and going to bed and would text me when he wakes up, he has text me saying ' I'm awake now' but I haven't responded. My head is confused, I feel upset and angry so I think it's best I don't reply until I know for sure what I want to write. A part of me wants to write a really shitty message about ' him not telling me what's going on, how am I supposed to know he's working if he doesn't tell me? Am I supposed to guess what he's up to and just sit her waiting for him to fit me in?' Another part of me wants to say ' it's no wonder your wife cheated if you put no effort into being with her' ( that would be mean right? ), there's so much I want to say but I don't think I'm thinking rationally and I will end up saying some pretty nasty things .

To be totally honest, I think he's an arse and he's playing you.

He's not communicating and as someone said if that's how he is now this will only ever be worse. I couldn't cope with it - I need to know what's going on.

I actually would be questioning if his dad did actually die, but frank.

I would ignore him, don't score points by insulting him (says the woman who emailed her ex to tell him it was like dealing with a passive-aggressive retarded five year old....but it IS!). :)

If you feel you need to just say "thanks, it's time for me to move on, it was nice meeting you", then delete his number.

I don't know what to do , I do believe him about his dad, he is still having a lot of problems with his family and arranging the funeral which he is finding stressful. I just don't know if I want to wait for him to sort his life out. We have been seeing each other for 3 months and in that time gave only met 4 or 5 times. I have told him that it feels like I am being strung along and that he doesn't seem to want to put the effort in, he says I am wrong and that he really wants to be with me. I'm just going to step back for a few days, if he really does want to be with me then he will put the effort in and fight for me, if I don't hear from him then I know he's not really bothered.

LM33 that's not a proper relationship. It's not making you happy. Plus hes too far away .

You met up with him quite quickly (i did the same with my long distance man) and I think you need to go out and date other people. Instead of waiting for him to tell you what he wants, you need to get what you want out of this which is a proper, face-to-face, relationship. For whatever reason he's not available to you at the moment (whether he's stringing you along or not). Honestly at this stage it should just be fun. If it's not, then move on.

With respect LM33, the whole thing sounds like madness and I think you should step away. You've been on 5 dates maximum, and he was already taking about spending 2 nights a week with you. With children and other entanglements, that was a completely implausible promise for him to make so early on (particularly as he's flaky anyway), and for you to believe.

You are not going to get what you want from him, and I think it's time to accept this.
I ended it with Mr T because actions speak louder than words. And another thing is that my cheating ex husband has left me with major trust issues. So I can empathise!

I agree lovemusic - his way of handling things just doesn't work for you. That's not necessarily his 'fault', nor yours, you just both want different things. You want reliability, he doesn't provide that.

If you were months into this and this was a phase he was going through due to his dad, that's one thing. But this is who he is. And who he is is upsetting you.

If I were you I'd send back a dignified response, saying you've had a long think about things, and that things can't work out between you. You're too far apart, he can't expect you to sit and wait for him all the time, when he keeps letting you down, so you'd rather move on, and wish him luck

Agreed. Dignified is always the best way to go.

But what if it's just me OI too soon? Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon? If we hadn't have had the 'exclusive' talk it wouldn't feel so bad as I could have continued to date other people. I just don't know . I think I just need some time with no contact to think. I will try not to message him, I'm drinking tonight so could end badly.

Definitely don't message LM. Give yourself some time to process things and don't do anything after drinking as it'll cloud your judgement. My philosophy is that if someone's behaviour causes confusion, it generally means they are not right for you.
I'd rather walk away from someone than compromise my dignity, sanity or self respect (believe me, I have compromised all three in the past. Never again).

Overinvesting in someone, and expecting someone to showing consistency and consideration are not the same thing.

I think you actually are overinvested, because you're refusing to see how his behaviour is selfish, because you want to believe it can somehow get better. You're ignoring the signs because you want him to be someone's he's not.

Yes he's gone through a very difficult time with his dad. But if he'll be like this every time something bad happens, and even when it doesn't, you'll end up miserable.

LM33, why don't you keep him on but revert yourself back to dating.

That way, you don't have to make that shout that you don't want to make in fully getting rid of him.

If you meet someone else, so be it. If he comes through for you, stop dating.

Jesus LM, this man is fucking with your head big time. If you think about it, promising to come over and then not turning up had zero to do with his dad or anything. "Crazymaking" behaviour, the shrinks call it. If I was you, I would end it completely, delete, block, move on. I think the declarations of love so early on are just as much of a red flag as the flakiness, TBH.

I know you are right bant

info, I like your idea, I am still on tinder but only seem to attract people who want a hook up. My main problem is I hate being on my own, I get very lonely which is why I have continued with tinder and bumble, just because I like chatting to people.

I haven't messaged him at all, I have been on messenger all night talking to a old iron ( not someone I want to date ) and I saw Mr MOD come online for a few seconds, maybe checking if I was online and if I had responded to his messages. I'm not going to reply tonight and maybe not at all, I kind of want him to chase me to prove that he really likes me but I don't think it will happen.

IMHO, to be in the right place to do OLD (or any dating, in fact) you have to learn to be happy with your own company first.

Jesus, I'm going to be advising you to "learn to love yourself" next, aren't I? .

I think a lot of people on tinder are looking for hook ups. It is hard when you are lonely.

stubborn it may be a cliche, but you are right of course! This is all much easier from a position of confidence etc, but also if you're in the mindset that your life is wonderful and you don't need a man.

I"ve just rashly sorted a date from tinder for Monday - but he is 6.3 with a beard and a bike. So pretty much my ideal man. So I'm now out tomorrow night and Monday night. (and Thursday night with Soho) (and tuesday night with friends). hmm.

Half my problem is that I don't get lonely, I am perfectly happy on my own 95% of the time. If I got a bit lonely I might put more effort in :)