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Original poster

The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

999 replies

Bant · 11/02/2017 19:43

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
ladylambkin · 12/02/2017 10:29

Or does that just show the quality of previous dates/relationships was poor Hmm

LosingDory · 12/02/2017 10:37

If my iron started sending me dirty messages I think it would put me off him if we hadn't already had sex!

loobyloo1234 · 12/02/2017 10:40

Morning all
Wasn't on the last thread much as had no time for OLD after some very unsuccessful dates and RL interests Smile
Back on Bumble after a month break ... hope everyone is good?
I like the condensed rules Bant Grin
Will be checking in as often as I can to update on any irons

hoolabaybee · 12/02/2017 11:30

Mr security tries to 'sext' me too Hmm

I joked with him he a bit forward being as we haven't had sex yet but fourth date is planned to stay at hotel so maybe as he knows it's on the agenda he feels he can mention it now. Still irritated me though and I've ended many potential relationships because I frankly cannot be assed talking dirty.

Maybe it's me whose wrong?

lettucesoup · 12/02/2017 11:30

Runny I always over think everything: not just on-line dating. I always try and think of Rule 4.
It's all bull-s until it happens, but then you have met him. Sorry no clue but it could go either way. It is so frustrating.

Traumadoll Maybe he is braver behind a text message then he is face to face. He needs to be consistent. Is he shy or easily embarrassed?

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 11:43

The whole chat about sex talk before doing it is a very interesting one. Brings about a lot of etiquette and questions. I'm not saying I agree with it, I'm just going to play Devil's Advocate here.

Is it totally against all reality that someone could be a very nice person but also want to get jiggy with Mr Biggy? (MB).

In the early stages it's supposed to be all butterflies and lovely but don't forget the Testosterone is also flying around like crazy.

If someone thinks you're awesome but also fancies the pants off you, could they not be forgiven for saying they want you?

Again, I'm not agreeing with it, just wondering if there is an avenue outside of just the guy being a sex man. I had no idea how to word that bit, ffs 'sex man' ha ha :)

stubbornstains · 12/02/2017 11:43

traumadoll I would message him back saying that the sex talk is making you uncomfortable and could he please stop. I think his reaction will tell you everything you need to know- if he apologises profusely and stops, he might be all right. If he ignores you and carries on, bin instantly.

ladylambkin As someone who's been in relationships where I've been lovebombed, and later emotionally abused (have you also? Your use of the word "lovebombing" suggests you may know all about this) I'd say stay on your guard, but also that, sometimes, there is no way of knowing at the beginning. My last (abusive) ex didn't show a flicker of anything for about 9 months, and is still really nice 95% of the time Hmm. All you can do is to carry on, but stay vigilant. Because, you know, he could just be nice.....

stubbornstains · 12/02/2017 11:46

Hmmm.....I think it's a question of respect info, of not overstepping boundaries, and of being considerate to the fact that you might be making a woman uncomfortable.

IME, I would never be into that until I had actually had sex with someone.

Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 11:51

He seems a decent person and when we've actually met he's apologetic and says he just got carried away, says he wants to take it slow and build a relationship
All the time I'm thinking " bullshit wtpdajtpt saying what you think I want to hear to get into my knickers" but I recognise that it may be me with the problem

LosingDory · 12/02/2017 11:52

I think even having had sex with someone other would make me a bit uncomfortable like...is that all I'm good for now? I have been in positions with exes that could potentially be see as sexual abusive though so I think maybe my thinking is a bit messed up. Luckily my iron is very respectful of me so far and hasn't done it

stubbornstains · 12/02/2017 11:56

By the way, women also have surges of testosterone, which is a contributory factor to "lady jiggy" too Grin. The ovaries send out a burst of it around ovulation time (clever, clever ovaries!). This is why post menopausal women sometimes lose their libidos, as their ovaries stop sending out anything.

This was a public service announcement on behalf of the Stains Endocrinology Institute. Thank you for your kind attention.

stubbornstains · 12/02/2017 11:58

He seems a decent person and when we've actually met he's apologetic and says he just got carried away, says he wants to take it slow and build a relationship

Oh hang on, so you've actually raised this with him already, he's apologised....and then kept on doing it?

Massive red flag. Run. For. The. Hills.

Original poster
Bant · 12/02/2017 12:48

Yeah, I agree with stubborn

It's one thing to start a bit of sexting with someone you've met (although personally I think it's weird if you haven't actually DTD yet)

It's another to try it, be told it makes someone uncomfortable, apologise, and then do it again. That's disrespectful, and a bit shit to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bant · 12/02/2017 12:52

lambkin - there's a difference, isn't there, between someone being nice and telling you nice things about yourself, how attractive you are, or whatever, and someone saying they're falling in love with you very early on, and overruling your reservations by force of will and flattery.

Which one is he doing?

OP posts:
brittanyfairies · 12/02/2017 13:30

I think Mr Nurse is just messing with me now, he sent me a message on Friday night about the lack of messages from me and also how he's worried about my children being younger. We had a good discussion (or so I thought) about me not looking for a father for my children or me looking for a new husband. I thought we clear, five minutes after the conversation he sent me a text saying "je t'embrasse tendrement" which translates to I'm kissing you tenderly. So all good! I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to have a walk this afternoon, but got a message back saying he would love to but has a family meal this afternoon. He didn't suggest another time. I asked him last week if he wanted to go out, and same response would love to but was going to his daughter's for dinner. I think he's just taking the piss to be honest. I'm going to suggest meeting in a bar any night this week that he would care to and see what he says, but to be honest I'm about ready to walk away.

On the other hand, I've been chatting to a couple of others on Tinder and one on POF. The guy on POF seems nice but very slow at messaging. One guy on Tinder seems really nice, he's very clear he's only looking for a friends with benefit thing at the moment, and to be honest that kind of fits into my way of thinking. The more I think about it, the less keen I am on introducing a man into my life. This guy speaks English really well which is good. I don't think my personality comes across well in French, probably my lack of vocabulary and the fact that I have to think about everything means I lose my spontaneity. Another guy on Tinder who lives about 45 mins away wanted to meet up today, but I didn't want to. He's not really my type, but seeing as "my type" hasn't really got me anywhere before I was trying to diversify. I said I'd meet him next Saturday afternoon for coffee.

So many married men on Tinder though, it's quite depressing. They are all in a couple but have difficulties, I know this is the line my XH spun to the OW, the only difference being she believed him and had an affair. One of the married men lives locally to me though, he's actually a nice guy and has ended up coming to see me for English lessons. So, I've had a new client so something good has come out of it.

I don't know whether to feel depressed or optimistic about this whole dating lark - it just seems so complicated.

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 13:46

This whole dating thing is ridiculously complicated. It seems to me also, that the more complicated your situation the more luck you seem to have with it.

I can say this on here because it's with no agenda. I'm a genuinely nice guy, totally single, looking for a proper relationship with someone, clean lifestyle, no drama, good job, all checks in place, decent looking and I get no luck with it. At all.

The guys who are married, cheaters, bad boys, messing around, loads of drama, all that seem to be getting all the interest. It sucks. Ass.

brittanyfairies · 12/02/2017 13:52

None of the cheaters and bad boys are getting anywhere with me Info, I can't be done with all that nonsense.

The amount of times I've also been asked how can you have a lover if you have your children all the time? Obviously guys just looking for sex. I don't mind the FWB thing but I can't meet someone just for sex and then move on, it's just not my nature or my style.

minop · 12/02/2017 13:58

Well my date from Friday has kept up to messages the same as before and seems keen. We've not booked in the next day as scheduled clash this week. He's a cop so works long hours and different shifts. He's in for 6 days now and I'm off work. When he's off I'm away with the kids for the weekend but we will get something booked in for the week after. He seems like one of the good ones and we did have a great laugh the other night.

Hold on in there info as the ones that go for the bad boys, lairs and cheaters will learn that's not what they want and hold out to find someone like you. You've just got to have faith and your thick skinned coat.

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 14:05

I'm just assuming they're having all the success based on the content of profiles. The rate at which women vanish for a few weeks then return with their profile filled with passive aggressive content about honesty and cheaters.

Not to worry, just having a Sunday lapse of faith but it'll come back!

Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 14:05

I think I'm going to have a chat to my one tomorrow and make it clear I'm not wank
Male friend at work says guys will pretty much say whatever it takes to get into your knickers and while they may mean it slightly at the time it's generally a means to am end, how depressing

Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 14:06

That should have said wank fodder lol

hoolabaybee · 12/02/2017 14:19

It's good to hear the male view of sexting info, interesting post. It's funny cos a guy who was trying to sext me a couple of month ago and was pretty full on just checked in with me to see if i'd met anyone. I told him I'd had 3 dates with a guy who was nice, he basically sent me a shitty message back saying why was I still on POF then? Confused

I thought he was a player now it appears he thinks I am Grin

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 14:39

Traumadoll you will be pleased to hear we're not all like that. It's a bit of a sweeping generalisation that one!

We all like a bit of the other but for me, it's something that comes as part of a relationship. It's not something I ever seek outside of that, in fact I've turned it down outside of that.

Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 14:48

Thanks info I know not all guys are like that, it's hard to judge as it's all so new,plus we were both on shall we say "non traditional" site so that adds something else into the mix

Original poster
Bant · 12/02/2017 14:53

trauma - I don't quite understand, you're on a sex-oriented dating site, and are surprised that someone is focusing on sex?

I mean, surely you're on the wrong site if you're looking for a relationship? The people you meet on that site are more likely to be looking for a quick shag, or wank fodder. Of course all sites will have men looking for a leg over, some more than others, but.. This site more than most.

Horses for courses.

OP posts:
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