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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

999 replies

Bant · 11/02/2017 19:43

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 15:03

It's more specific type of relationship oriented which is obviously sex based but not initially
It takes time and trust to build and is what I want and he says it's what he wants too but I expected more of the getting to know you type stuff first before sex chat

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 15:03

Bant - the Piers Morgan of the site, asking the tough questions :)

Seriously though, fam got a point.

Bant · 12/02/2017 15:07

info, please don't ever call me that again. :)

OP posts:
Bant · 12/02/2017 15:12

Well, niche preferences aside, it looks like this guy is pushing for something you're not comfortable with, which -especially in that context- is a red flag.

So personally I'd move on.

OP posts:
Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 15:18

I think I'll meet him tomorrow and see how that goes then take it from there
The last time we met he was lovely, so gentle and affectionate, it's just the messages in between that are concerning me slightly, we've talked about what we're both looking for and seem to be on the same page so I don't think I'll write it off just yet, time will tell I suppose!

UpYerGansey · 12/02/2017 15:27

trauma i met MrBright on an niche interest site also. Don't let that phase you. Just because both parties are more straightforward about where your personal preferences lie, it certainly doesn't mean you should accept treatment any different to what you'd expect in other circumstances.
For me, it's led to a particularly satisfying relationship as some things are 'a given' but you'll need to scope him out in the same way as you'd do wherever you'd found each other.

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 15:35

I think I will ask my big advice one now about a situation not in OLD. Would love some advice on this from anyone with an opinion and anyone who cares to read it!!

So I've worked with a lass for over ten years, we get on well. We've always had a bit of a connection I think, always understood each other I reckon. Over the past couple of years I started to really like her and it started to bother me a bit. From the sense that I felt I needed to do something about it. We work in the same building and same business so it's technically possible not to see each other all day, just adding that in there.

We both tend to finish about 6pm and we end up sat chatting together for over an hour after work a lot. This is a common occurrence so it made me think she liked me too and that it was worth asking. I bottled asking a few times so decided to message her and ask her out. It was that or nothing really. She replied to say she was flattered but wouldn't go out with anyone from work because people either interfere or it's awful when it goes wrong. She's a sensible girl so I can get this point of view, the cynical side of me saw it as an easier way to say no without making it about me personally.

So, that was probably about six months ago but we still chat after work and it was after 8pm one night a couple of weeks ago. This is where I get confused and don't understand.

Why would anyone sit with someone in the office until that time a few times a week if they weren't interested? Yes she's a friend but I have much better friends that I wouldn't sit in the office with on an evening.

If someone asked you out and you said no, would you spend that time with them knowing that they're after you in that way?

I doubt I'd ever ask her out again because she's said no before and because I don't want to make an idiot out of myself. It took everything I had to do it the first time around.

Should I back away? Should I just take it as what it is? Should I ask her again? It's hard for me to fathom out what it's all about!

Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 15:46

Info if it was me I'd back right off, still be friendly and polite but stop the long chats, it may help focus her mind on what she's been taking for granted

Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 15:48

Sometimes you don't appreciate what's under your nose until you lose it

Bant · 12/02/2017 15:53

Like when I accidentally shaved my moustache

OP posts:
Traumadoll1 · 12/02/2017 15:58

Me too Bant 😂

Kaybush · 12/02/2017 15:59

InfoSec21, that is very contradictory behaviour and she must realise she's giving out a really confusing message to you. I do think, for your own sanity, that you have to gently raise this with her the next time she stays late to chat. This can be done without losing your cool I think, especially if you put some humour into it - you could gently tease her about it. It'll have one of two good outcomes for you: either you'll finally end up getting together with her, or she'll be forced to admit she only likes you as a friend, in which case I think you need to stop the long chats frankly, and focus on meeting someone who actually fancies you.

I'm long term married btw, so not dating, but know a lot of separated people who are/have, so hope you and all others don't think I'm an imposter!

Bant · 12/02/2017 16:09

info - I agree. Personally I learned never to get involved with anyone I work with, as if it goes wrong that's your whole life - work and personal - screwed up. But other people meet their spouses at work, so it's a risk worth taking, for some.

If I were you, I'd pull back and not spend so much time with her. You could ask her advice on dating, to make it clear that you're pursuing other people too.

Dunno. Pulling back also lets you get your head clear and you can concentrate on other possibilities.

OP posts:
stubbornstains · 12/02/2017 16:15

Male friend at work says guys will pretty much say whatever it takes to get into your knickers and while they may mean it slightly at the time it's generally a means to am end, how depressing

I think that says more about your friend and his circle of acquaintance than it does about Men in General Hmm.

gansey I am now wild with curiosity as to which kind of niche site you've been frequenting!

info perhaps she genuinely enjoys your chats, but you've been well and truly friendzoned??

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 16:19

I can totally get that I've been friendzoned into oblivion, just seems strange to spend that much time chatting with someone if you're not interested.

She has the advantage really, she knows I fancy her. Given her answer I don't know if she does or not and that's the tricky part.

I can see that the advice of fall back from is good advice though. I don't think she'd question it with me though.

We never referred to the asking out. We never discussed this afterwards in person, almost like it never happened. She never brought it up and I sure AF wasn't going to.

stubbornstains · 12/02/2017 16:23

Erm, maybe you've been friendzoned into.....having a friend?? You can never have too many friends. Worthwhile women like men with a lot of female friends (as long as they're friends, rather than "friends", IYSWIM).

It's not just a man thing.....I've been friendzoned a few times over the years, too!

InfoSec21 · 12/02/2017 16:33

I don't tend to bother with single female friends tbh, too many along the way have been good friends but then they vanish when they get with someone. Waste of time. Female friends are already matter or in long term are MUCH better as they're usually there for the duration :)

Pavonia · 12/02/2017 16:40

InfoSec It seems a bit odd to hang around at work chatting for so long. Actual friends would do stuff together. You are obviously finding it unsettling. If it would put your mind to rest then you could ask her out again and if the answer is the same then stop spending so much time with her.

Dieu · 12/02/2017 16:41

I must be so fucking thick, as I don't get either of the jokes that were posted! Grin

Here is my favourite though:

  • what do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?
  • grassy ass
(gracias, if like me you need explanations Blush )

And one for my fellow Scots:

  • what do you call a Scottish guy who is nearly home?
  • Hame-ish

You're welcome!! Smile

Dieu · 12/02/2017 16:43

Or, I've just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. Should have put it on aloha temperature.

Sorry!

RunnnyMummy · 12/02/2017 17:39

I go out for the day and there's loads to catch up on.
Info I think you need to decide what you want. If you like your chats then carry on. Or can you suggest moving to a coffee shop to continue your chat? See how she responds.

Sexting discussion. I think it depends on what you're comfortable with. Most of the time I shut it down because I think it leads to an expectation of what will happen next. But I have done it with one guy that I wanted to have MB with & the next time we met was very good! Grin

RunnnyMummy · 12/02/2017 17:44

dieu those jokes are great. My type of jokes.
I need a good joke about having a bad cold to send to MrPhd. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't seem like he's a player. I thought I'd message him tomorrow with a good cold joke. He told me he felt like he had ebola.
Someone must have a good joke I can use.

Dieu · 12/02/2017 17:57

Tell him next time you see him, it'll be eboner, rather than ebola he has.

lowers tone

Dieu · 12/02/2017 18:02

Alternatively Grin, this:

The doctor tells the patient he has a very bad cold (or ebola!). The patient says he wants a second opinion. The doctor says, ”OK, you’re ugly too”.

RunnnyMummy · 12/02/2017 18:02

I like it. But he's a bit too serious for that kind of joke.