The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

[Bant]

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Can I ask you guys a question. If you reinstate your old profile and forget to log out does this then mean that you will show up as 'online' ?

I have been tentively giving my ex another chance but just seen that he is online on POF (I am possibly just as bad as I was looking on there), he says that he went back on when we split and must have forgotten to log out. Not sure if he is telling the truth. Really angry but also very hurt

Elizabeth I dont think there are any timescales as everyone wants something different! I just decided not to text one of my 'irons' yesterday (actually he gave me the option!) and we had been on two dates a week apart. Had been chatting online for a week before that and had one phone call.
Just got another 'irons' number and I will be hoping for a date pretty soon.

Like you, I'd rather know early on if someone isn't going to work so dont want to spend weeks messaging

Sorry, that was rather waffly and vague but hope you get the gist of what I mean!!

Hi half

There aren't really any set timescales, it's what works for you. Some people like to build up a rapport before meeting. But some people are really just looking for a pen pal, and will never actually meet.

The general consensus is, get the first meeting out of the way within a week or two of first chatting, to see if there is chemistry.

If they don't ask within that time, either you can go quiet and see if they ask, or ask them out yourself, see if they're serious.

I just got asked on a date by a woman I'd chatted to for a week or so. The previous woman I had a date with asked me out too.

Thanks Bant, that seems reasonable. I'm a pretty pro-active person and to be honest if being asked out by me is going to scare a person off then they probably aren't going to like me very much anyway!

zanywany it doesn't stay ON forever, all Apps have a time out for security

hello ppl

Thanks In, he says it is open on his browser at work and only reinstated his profile to look for me but I'm not so sure

yeah right, as you would leave a dating website open at work
anyway, on o k stupid for example there is one hour time out (it shows on-line status for one hour after you have logged off) and I think its ridiculously a long time, I am pretty sure other Apps update much faster

loveMusic I know you really fancied this one (MOD) but please please next time (next one) do not put yourself in the waiting frame of mind. It NEVER really end up well.... You are so up and charming, FFS ! You can do so much better. Hop back on that Plinth !

LM33 I agree with the others - don't wait for HIM to decide what HE wants. It's what you want that matters and you don't want this!

Walk away, tell him to sort himself out and if you're still free after that he can give you a shout. Then get on with your wonderful life!

I'm seeing mr cyclist on sunday. Out with my friends tonight. Have steered clear of irons today while I work and deal with builders.

Hi guys, I'm.going to bite the bullet and join you! I am unfortunately a dating veteran and I am back on it after an 18 month thing went very very wrong!
Had a date with hot hot man last weds. He kissed me, stroked my hair and face, kissed my neck and told me he wanted to see me again. Was texting loads. Then had an operation on Saturday so has been quiet, though when I've texted him he's responded. He's back at work and showing online on whatsapp, but hasn't initiated messages. He did say he definitely would be up for a date next week when he's recovered. However I'm not holding my breath. If he's well enough to be at work and on whatsapp, he can send a text.
So date with lawyer lined up for Friday next week. He seems nice if a little staid. And chatting to sweet widower who seems promising.
Yesterday must've been a full moon for online dating. Messaged a guy on tinder and the exchange went like this:
Me: Hi Andy
Andy: Sorry I do not respond to one or two word messages. I wish you luck in your search.
Me: ha ha that's ridiculous. You just responded to tell me you weren't responding!
Andy: unmatch
Oh and the one who said my whatsapp pic was 'ugggg lol'
Apparently that was meant to be funny.
Readers, I did not lol...
I agree with Bant on the timescales for going on a date. It gets tedious if it drags on too long.
Hope Sunday goes well with Mr Cyclist, waving. Is he a new iron? Sorry I'm just jumping in and trying to get up to speed!

hello Iusedtobe you sound as though you have the right attitude for all of this! I had a message from someone who said he didn't agree with my political views (that I said in my profile were very important to me) and that he didn't expect me to reply/want to see him. So I didn't. And then he messaged me to tell me I was rude for not responding!

"met" MrCyclist on Bumble about a week ago. He seems nice enough but we'll see. I thought Tuesday's date was nice on paper, but he really wasn't IRL!

Am seeing someone else on Thursday (its not a date!) and then no free days until the following week so just keeping irons warm at the moment.

I really rate bumble actually. It's only as I've been burnt so many times that I've stopped caring as much. The thing is, I'd really like a nice man. So to increase my chances I need to ignore any feelings of hurt at perceived rejection and not waste any time on men who are half hearted about me. There's no point pining, just need to keep at it and treat it as a job.

It's funny how people can be lovely on.paper and so different when you meet!

yes, you can have such a rapport online and then in real life pffttt! I know there are nice men out there though. It's just a case of working your way through a few first.

I don't think it's rejection at the early stages - I agree it's just a game (and it usually says more about them than you when they unmatch or ghost you). I am enjoying it at the moment, even the bad dates! I had a nice time running on Thursday with my banker date even though there was no chemistry. It's all experience.

Hi iusedtobe - nice to see you here again. Although it's a shame about hot bloke going quiet.

As far as the 'different on paper' thing goes, well yes, but it's not that they're different, just that you get a different perception of them from the actual person. We can all imagine someone is perfect, witty, debonair, cultured, etc, from what they say and what you take from their pictures. But people always choose the best pictures, and the best words, and the reality is jarring.

It's just cognitive dissonance in most cases. Hence rule 3.

We should have a new rule, probably. Don't get a mental image of them until you've met them.

bant tell us about your date prospects! Anything planned?

Enjoying reading all the updates, I'm on date 5 Sunday which is my usual time for mucking things up. I have a fabulous track record of dating someone for around a month, going on 5/6 dates and then it goes from loved up to tits up

I've got a date planned for Sunday afternoon. She wants to get pissed and see if she fancies me. She's very posh, apparently. Lives in a wing of her parents house.. no kids, wants them (I told her I could have them but not sure if I want them, I'm early 40s and probably don't want more but maybe with the right person..)

So we'll see

I had date 2 and unexpected , delicious MB Monday, and date 3 on Wednesday. I have kids this weekend and we are seeing each other Wednesday.

I am completely OI now and think he is too, he has sent so many really thoughtful lovely messages and kind things, and we have hidden the online dating stuff. Talk of a weekend away and am going to an engagement party with him in a couple of weeks.

And for the record, wouldn't have picked him on my search stuff on match, as he was down as a smoker but has stopped. We did the mutual shuffle/like each other thing...

Hello all, it's great to hear some fab dates are happening. I've been OLD for 2 months now and I just don't think it's worth it for me. I live in too isolated an area, most potential dates are over an hour away. In the last two months of OLD I've been:

Stood up twice before 1st date by same guy.
Ghosted by a guy whose last text to me was I really want to see you again
Invited by a couple to join them
Invited by a guy to go to a sex party with him
Went on a date with a lovely guy but no spark
Invited by a guy to go change his nappies
Loads of married men whose wives don't understand them
Loads of men just wanting one night stands
One guy who just wanted to sext
One guy who literally unmatched me last night in the middle of a conversation.
One guy who sent me a massive message about how shit his life had been, parents suicide, divorce etc
Two scammers.
Found two new English students from married men I wouldn't date - so not all bad.

I do have a date with Mr Long Distance on Wednesday night, we have been chatting every day, but I don't think my heart is in this dating lark. I was happier when I was content with my single life. The guy last night has really pissed me off actually.

I started this as a way of having fun and meeting people but it's just giving me really negative views about men and I don't want to be cynical.

Brittany You've given it a good try. If it is stopping you enjoying what you've got then you are probably right to take a break. You can always come back to it.

Aint congrats!

Bant Did she declare herself posh?

I was unexpectedly unmatched by two people last night, it is hard not to take it personally isn't it? One of them I had lots in common with and he had sounded positive, so I was surprised. The other, we had just started messaging and he seemed straightforward. I had to go out (which I told him) when I came back he was gone. Maybe he just wanted to pass some time.

I had a new match message this morning who I think was a fake so I unmatched. His location didn't tally and his messages sounded fake.

Another new match messaged me last night while I was out. I messaged when I got back but I've not heard from him yet. He is a bit older than me. I'm wondering if some older men aren't on their phones so much and don't check their messages.

I have two other new matches this morning who are both really good looking. I'm always scared of messaging the handsome ones! They will probably unmatch me if I do.

I doing it hard going NC with Mr MOD, had a drink and ended up messaging him early hours of the morning , I haven't heard anything from him and he hasn't been online. I think the messages I sent may have pissed him of as I was pretty blunt and to the point. I think I should have been more upfront with him from the start but to be honest he said he would do a lot of things that he hasn't carried out, the main thing being making more effort to see me. When we had the exclusive talk we spoke about seeing each other once or twice a week and how this could work well as neither of us wanted to jump right in to a full blown relationship, the once a week thing has never happened, I know he has had a lot going on with his father dying and I have been patient and I have offered my support via text and messenger (which he thanked me for). I just can't handle someone telling me one thing and not following through, it's one of my pet hates as I love to know what's going on each week so I can plan around it. When he comes over I really enjoy the time we spend together, MB has been great and he tells me I give him butterflies, he has told me he has fallen in love with me but then he can't find time to come and see me, it messes with my head . Anyway, I'm going to keep busy today with the dc's and try not to think too much about everything.

LM33 I am like you, I need to know what's going on and hate hate hate being left hanging. It's why I split with my ex because he was so flakey and I felt disrespected.

I also despise it when people talk the talk but don't follow through with actions to match.

I think you need to remind yourself that you deserve better. And look into the future - do you want to find yourself hanging around all the time or even some of the time waiting on this man for the rest of your life?

As is so often said on here, he's showing you who he is and you need to listen. If he's like this now, when it should be all systems go in the early exciting phase, it will o lay get worse.

If you truly think it's just circumstances with losing his DF etc, then fair enough, but in that case, I would step back and leave him to it for now, until he is in a place to show you that he is interested and ready for something real. Then you can make a better informed decision.

If you're having to force it now, it's not right

MrPuppy is up to his old tricks. Blowing very hot and then Luke warm and then nothing. Urgh. I really like(d) him and saw a future but it's just too fragile.

I blew off another iron as he was coming over as boring. But he was very sweet, and said to get in touch if the other didn't work out. Maybe I'll try that. Boring is quite appealing right now!

I had my first Tinder date last night. We talked for 6 hours and snogged. He's lovely. We didn't make plans for another one but he texted me after and said it was a great date. He's been on Tinder for 2 years so he should know...

I've got so much baggage - still living with ex, etc - I'm not sure anyone would want to put up with that.

Then I got another message from a guy who was up for a 'chat' at 1.30am.

I'm perplexed by the fact that some men on Tinder don't edit their photos. Are they incapable or do they just not care?

brittanyfairies I share your cynicism. Just worked out I've been blocked by the guy I should be having a second date with tomorrow evening. I thought he was more mature than that.

I think my age (49) works against me. Older guys are mostly too well worn with beer guts. And younger ones aren't interested in an older woman with a child that's still at home/school.
I'm just seeing what happens with my latest tinder matches then having a break. Hopefully coffee date is still on with Mr Boxer tomorrow. But he's gone quiet as well.