Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

[MissesBloom]

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

Whatever you do, don't work for/with him. It would be just one more way for him to control you.

Do what YOU want to do. His dreams don't have to be yours.

Yy to GW

Have had a nice convo this evening.

Can't actually believe it. Have said about the bank account. Said I'm not happy about having separate household money it should all be in the same place and accessible to us both. He asked why it mattered and i basically told him im as much a part of this household as him, i am sick of asking for money its demoralising. He agreed 100% and says he's happy to make his account a joint account with me. We're calling the bank tonight apparently. No idea what made him change his mind happy though.

Then talked about the course I want to do. At length. At first he was on board but then kept saying it would be a bad financial choice. If I want money then there are better ways of me to earn far more. I said not about the money it's about me having something for myself, and because it's something I want to do rather than need to do. We went back and forth him saying his company will come first and me saying he needs to see that I supported him from the beginning to where he is now and it's his turn to support me back.

We've agreed that this is happening now. I don't think this will be the end of it. I suspect well need to revisit this conversation and he might try to talk me out of it again.

I am going to start the application tomorrow so there's no going back.

Thanks to everyone who responded on here and made me see he was being a shit. To be fair he's taken most of this very well tonight (maybe sensed my no bullshit attitude). I feel far better now I've brought it all up to him

Well done. Demonstrations of assertiveness are very worth doing.

Re NCT, I was told (by an antenatal teacher) not to bother doing it because there's a lack of demand in my area. Have you chatted to your local teachers? Or it may be the breastfeeding counsellor training you're considering?

Well done

Yep breastfeeding councillor. I intend to speak to them first to make sure there is demand but from what I remember when I breastfed the breastfeeding support wasn't that great

Thank you x

Good post, cooljazz.

Is being a breastfeeding counsellor a full time or potentially full time role? Is that one that needs a three year degree?

Is it really a three year degree to be a breastfeeding councillor? Sounds extreme to me compared to what other degrees can be earned in 3 years. If income is part of the goal as well as passions will this generate an income?

Yep you can't do it without the degree I dont think and the nct offer a part time course which would help with me having my daughter full time at the moment.

Thanks cool completely get what you are saying. This thread has totally opened my eyes. I'm not weak just needed to realise that I was getting down trodden. I don't think this is over to be honest I think I'll probably have to deal with lots of protests on the way but at least I see now what's happening.

The plan will be to gain financial independence

Yep I believe up to £38 an hour (depends where you live and on demand I suppose).

It's flexible which is what I like can work around the kids.

Also I think it takes so long because it's part time. You can do it in two if you do full time x

But how many hours do you get, on average?

I think you choose the hours by doing different groups, over the phone support and running drop ins. This probably I'm not sure how it all works I'm calling them tomorrow to get it all ironed out before I start putting the application together.

What are your pension arrangements? If you have been enabling your dh by staying at home, he should have been paying into a pension fund for you if his business is earning as much as he claims it is (and if it isn't then that whole argument about his business needing to take precedent is null).

Whatever else you do, you must start thinking about this.

Yy Cory

Good idea re calling, OP.

Does your family get child benefit? You should claim it even if your DH pays it back through tax code, to keep up state pension contribution.

Verbena, your lazy git of a husband sounds a lot worse that op's. You might have more money but considerably less equality.

There is hardly any paid work as an NCT Breastfeeding Counsellor. You can earn a max of £30 a week on the helpline and you may get a drop in during the week but funding is hard to come by. Then depending on area you might teach one paid breastfeeding session per week (around £20 an hour for those). It's often more like 2 a month. All the home visits etc you do are voluntary. If you carry on training, as an assessor, tutor etc there is a career there but it's a long and expensive road. I know this is not about earning potential, but truly, there isn't any and I just wanted you to be aware of that xx

He may put you on the joint back account but how many other bank accounts to you know of. I bet he will set up a secret bank account that you will never know anything about op.
I really do not trust your husband.
He was to quick to give in about the banking side.
If you have learnt anything from this thread and anyone reading this as a woman no matter what always have your own bank account and have money in it.
In this day and age protection of ones own asserts is the most empowering thing to do.
Never mind if life changes and your partner of life passes or someone loses a job and income you all need a back up plan for life.

We havent got pension arrangements. DH says state pension is a waste of time and wont be around by the time were old, he reckons that hell own the company and have his fingers in other pies by then so 'we wont need to worry', which obviously makes me worry more. I'll be quietly putting money away from now on just in case.

Were not entitled to child benefit and DH made me cancel it for both kids so that they wouldnt start taking it out of his wages. He says not worth it again as he doesnt want to pay in for NI as he reckons pensions wont be around for us. He's totally reckless this is just the start of it...total nightmare.

Lemon it totally wasnt about money for me, although now I am starting to rethink because of the need to have a nest egg. How did you find all this out? Thank you for being honest with me xx

I've heard similar to Lemon. You could look into training as a lactation consultant - a well respected qualification: www.lcgb.org

Frankly I don't think its likely he'll be hiding bank accounts, I also have his experian log in so also could check this - he's more of a little white lie kind of guy, he knows if he lied about something on the scale I'd be out the door.

He has lied before, or rather didn't tell me, that he'd spent 80 pounds betting, and i'm not foolish enough to believe he hasn't lied about anything else, but he'd not be able to keep something so big from me, and if I'm honest I think he'd be too scared of me leaving him.

This behaviour comes from his Dad who treats his poor dm terribly and has forged signatures to get loans and all sorts. He knows I'm not like his Mum and wont put up with such betrayal

ps even if he puts me on his account I will be keeping my sole account and he will be having his own too...I want to be able to save money up without worrying itll be dipped into for silly purchases

After BFC training and experience with NCT / LLL / ABF..

The biggest red flag for me is if he is going to buy this business and has so little financial control. Is it a limited company? If not you could find yourself homeless.
You need to check you are getting the NI credit even though you are not getting child benefit. He may not believe in NI, you may need it when you are older.
If he is running a company he does realise that all companies have to offer a pension for employees.

Personally I would be very concerned. He seems to need a great deal of financial education and to believe the financial equivalent of "conspiracy" sites. Governments give huge tax breaks to pensions because it is in no Government's self interest to end up with a lot of elderly citizens who are on the breadline.

Please think carefully about how to secure your and your children's future.