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Original poster

Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

187 replies

MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 14:14

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

OP posts:
glintwithpersperation · 08/02/2017 16:56

He's not a husband he's your controller. It doesn't matter how much he earns, he's being abusive. Abusive people rarely acknowledge that they are abusive, so don't ever expect him to agree with you.

user892 · 08/02/2017 16:58

Cant believe this is such an unusual set up - just thought most men sort of dealt with the money when the women are sahm's

It's very unusual indeed. Here, I'm largely a SAHM whilst DH works full time. We have a joint account where all earned and unearned income goes and household bills are paid out. We then each have our own individual accounts where our (jointly agreed) pocket money is transferred for personal spends. I wear the trousers am the main administrator for the joint account and DH gets told off if he's being too frivolous.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 16:58

There is a reason for not being able to have me on a bank account with him. I can't go into specifics but I know why and I put up with it.

The compromise was having full access to his bank account.

The whole thing is messy to be honest and I should have dealt with this year's ago. His attitude towards me is wrong and I know it is. I pull him up on it if he makes comments about it being his money but really it is his money because he treats it that way and I've allowed it.

Going forward I'm just going to set myself up financially as some of you have said. Id never recognised a need to but this makes total sense especially as there is no plan in place for a pension

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 08/02/2017 16:59

How can you be so wealthy you'll never need to work and he will soon be able to buy a business, yet also be "not well off" and struggling with serious debt just last year?

PoorYorick · 08/02/2017 17:00

There is a reason for not being able to have me on a bank account with him. I can't go into specifics

Try us.

user892 · 08/02/2017 17:00

I you can't go into specifics can you go into generals? Sounds well dodgy.

Adora10 · 08/02/2017 17:01

Forgetting the money issue and it's a big one; why do you think he doesn't want you to study or work, do you think that's a normal reaction?

Bloody awful that the status quo is that it's HIS money, you are married; I live with my partner and we have a joint bank account and I can take what I bloody well like (within reason)

You are having to sell stuff to get money and he's going off on one when you do - so not right.

Tell him things have to change OP and set it out for him in plain speech; I think you may have a fight on your hands though.

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 17:05

If you can't go on his account, maybe cos it's a special one linked to his work or something, open your own account and transfer money en bloc each month into it. That would be better and also help you build a credit history in your own name.

maggiecate · 08/02/2017 17:05

If he's not good with household finances how on earth does he thinks he will be able to cope with a business? It would be hugely risky by the sounds of it.

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 17:06

I thought that too, Maggie.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 17:10

Ok so money was tight because it was tied up in our house and we were repaying debt with a very high interest rate.

Now income has gone up and the debts are paid off so much better off. Hope to soon have our own little allowance each but am waiting to pay something off right now.

He will have to work but he says I never will if I don't want to. He openly says he doesn't want me to.

The thing with the joint account is dodgy i think which is why the no specifics. I don't really understand it and don't want to.

Again not ideal

OP posts:
SmellySphinx · 08/02/2017 17:10

You can talk to him and have a discussion about what you'd like to do with your life and how the children fit in and around work/studying. What you absolutely don't have to do is ASK him wether or not you can. Not acceptable at all. He isn't your keeper and whilst it's great that you don't have to work, the basic fact is that you'd like to and you have the financial stability to be able to do so. I do not like that he has said "he isn't able to go off and do what he would like to do" he is, he's working and he'd like to buy the business which I'm sure he would and will when he is able to. Where is his head at when he is on the one hand presumably thinking you're living a very comfortable life not having to work, he's attentive in other ways yet you have to abide by his rules by asking for money - "his" money- which is obviously the way he sees it. It's one thing saying I need this or that and discussing buying things, it's another to get a pissy attitude because of it. Bollocks to that!

Adora10 · 08/02/2017 17:12

Sorry but I just don't buy that you can't have a joint account, you are married, is this what he has told you?

And do you not find it insulting that he does not want you to work or study, I mean, does he think you're his actual mother and he wants you home every time he returns from work or whenever, it's very strange.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 17:13

That's the weird thing...he runs that company like clockwork and controls the finances already!

At the moment I have a separate bank account and me and the kids have a savings account each which only I have access to. He doesn't have my log in details or a card for any of it

OP posts:
Adora10 · 08/02/2017 17:15

Why are you having to sell stuff OP are you scared to ask him for money?

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 17:16

Ok. Glad you have some funds of your own.

What's his rationale for you not having a chunk of income transferred to you each month then?

BTW, you are probably not on good ground accessing an account that is not in your name, unless you have been formally added by the bank as someone with access and your own password etc. I assume not, and that you are using his.

CoolJazz · 08/02/2017 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Parker231 · 08/02/2017 17:19

Why are you agreeing to such control and financial abuse? Get access to all money asap - this would be non negotiable for me.

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 17:22

It would be better if the money for bills etc was transferred to you and you paid them in your own name, as you have the rights on your own account.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 17:26

Yes I pay most of the bills now because I couldn't trust him to. But rather than a direct debit being set up we just agree that he'll transfer me money when it's needed. However this always ends up being me asking for money and him going...."oh not again?" As though I'm asking for it to spend on myself.

What would be the first thing you would all do going forward then? Ultimatum re the joint account? Or just sit down and get it all out?

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 08/02/2017 17:27

Hmm - this sounds worrying, op.

You say that he is running the business "like clockwork" at the moment, but you've also said that he is inept when it come to finances and overspends.... He could get himself into a very difficult position with this business, and drag you and the children down with him. You definitely need to go out to work and have your own money, not just for your mental health but also for your own security.

twattymctwatterson · 08/02/2017 17:29

Op nothing to add other than he's not going to change. He doesn't WANT to change because this is how he exercises control over you and having control over you is something he enjoys. I've seen many women on these boards who have not been ready to leave when they've first discovered their partner is abusing them and my only advice would be to educate yourself about the profiles of abusers, read posts on the relationship boards and ask yourself what other things in your relationship don't feel quite right.
Please come back and post again if you ever need to talk

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 17:31

Yep agreed naice it is my biggest worry. Once our money is in the business (which he won't be allowed to secure against this house) I'm scared if it goes under for some reason that we could end up with nothing.

I'm just going to get the ball rolling now and do the application. Nothing to lose.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 17:35

I guess the first bit is realising you are being abused. So hard when you live in that environment you end up thinking that it's the norm.

I don't want to end my relationship just to figure out where I stand.

This was always something I wanted to do and would allow me a life outside my home.

I don't want to give up on that to become an employee in a company he hasn't even bought yet.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 08/02/2017 17:35

Yes, I think you are right to do so. I think you also need to brace yourself for a lot of aggressive stuff from him, but absolutely stand your ground. This is too serious to back down on.

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