Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

[MissesBloom]

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

[MissesBloom]

user892 thanks for that I cant believe I've never heard of them...having a mooch now

[LemonScentedStickyBat]

Pm'd you xx

[Verbena37]

hippy sent too soon....was meant to say that currently I'm okay with not working because I'm just too shattered with DS and ASD stuff to be able to hold down a job, however, when I was working last year, DH didn't do anything extra at home because I was only working part time.....he said until I was working full time, I would have time to do the house stuff. Yet, he was the one moaning at me working anything other than school hours only.
I'm not sure if it's a power thing for him or just an "I can only cope with my long work hours if there's is someone at hoe to cope with all that".

[Verbena37]

hippy sent too soon....was meant to say that currently I'm okay with not working because I'm just too shattered with DS and ASD stuff to be able to hold down a job, however, when I was working last year, DH didn't do anything extra at home because I was only working part time.....he said until I was working full time, I would have time to do the house stuff. Yet, he was the one moaning at me working anything other than school hours only.
I'm not sure if it's a power thing for him or just an "I can only cope with my long work hours if there's is someone at hoe to cope with all that".

[HelenDenver]

"Were not entitled to child benefit and DH made me cancel it for both kids so that they wouldnt start taking it out of his wages. He says not worth it again as he doesnt want to pay in for NI "

No no no.

You getting child benefit means you remain in the system and some credits are given to you for that even if not earning(please google). It's not anextra cost.

From a cash flow perspective, it is better to get CB throughout the year then pay it back via tax return 9 m after year end. And, more importantly, it would be in your name!

He shouldn't buy a business if he can't do basic cash flow planning.

I don't believe that state pension is enough. He can contribute 3,600 (I think, please google) to a private pension for you even though you aren't earning. And he should have a private pension for himself, of which you are the beneficiary on death.

[category12]

What HelenDenver said. For your own sake, get the Child Benefit. It's a protection for YOU. It's family money anyway, remember, so nobody would be losing anything and you would be in a better position for the fuuture.

Honestly, from what you are saying, I think he is in cloud cuckoo land about money and that it sounds like you're along for the ride. he's making no provision for your futures outside of this company. And from his appalling fecklessness with the family finances, I have serious doubts about his ability to run the financial side of a company.

Are you sure that he is really in the position to being able to buy it shortly, or truthfully, does he have a history of dreaming big and not quite getting there?

[MaybeDoctor]

I am a volunteer breastfeeding peer supporter with another organisation. It can be a lovely role and I completely understand why you would want to do it. But, it is exactly as described above - you can't really earn a living from it unless you work directly for a well-funded project. The fact there was little support in your area is not a good sign. There are also strict rules around not being able to do it on a private basis if you are registered with a voluntary organisation.

I worry that you will use up your entitlement to student funding on a course that might not help you to earn much at all and keep you dependent on your husband. Please go back to the beginning and have a serious look at other training pathways that have strong employment routes at the end of them - you can always train with one of the other BF organisations which have a shorter pathway (ABM or BfN) and then do BF support on a voluntary basis alongside your paid work.

Look at the NHS careers website. What about these routes (some require more training than others):

Dietician
Phlebotomist
Maternity Healthcare Assistant
Newborn hearing screener
Dental nurse
Nursery Nurse (as part of a health visiting team)

Please do not consider working for your H. There is almost no chance he will pay you properly and you will end up, years down the line, with a failed business and no proper reference on your CV. He is a financial loose canon, not a successful businessman. The penalties page on the HMRC website makes interesting reading:

www.gov.uk/guidance/what-happens-if-you-dont-pay-paye-and-national-insurance-on-time

[Notagain2017]

In your op you give the impression you are in a good financial position and you say you never have to work again. He must have brainwashed you because that's nowhere near the case is it. It sounds like your finances are disastrous.

[shinynewusername]

I worry that you will use up your entitlement to student funding on a course that might not help you to earn much at all and keep you dependent on your husband

Agree. And think outside the caring professions too (I say as an HCP) - there are loads of very worthwhile jobs elsewhere. You can always volunteer as a BFC.

[DownTownAbbey]

Don't want to be the voice of doom but my ex said I didn't need to worry about pensions because he had a good one. In the divorce I waived my right to a stake in it for equity in the house. What will be the situation if you divorce? And don't assume it won't happen because it does. You may be sticking by him through thick and thin but there are never any guarantees. What if he has an affair? Get CB . Like pp I don't think he can be trusted to to rational with your finances let alone be trusted to be honest.

[MissesBloom]

Back again...

As others have said about the child benefit we would sort of break even with it and he'd rather not pay it out in tax so told me to get rid of it. He doesn't believe in a state pension so won't see the good of having us receiving them. I could go ahead and just received sign up for them but then he'd see it as me making a financial decision on his behalf without his agreement and would be cross. To be fair id be annoyed if the situation was reversed. He doesn't see the benefits of it at all and will refuse for sure.

In terms of the business it's already very profitable and I know how much it's making at the moment. Am not concerned about it in that sense because dh was the one who turned it around. He's reckless with our finances because he's lazy. He's a different person at work. He employs about 15 people in the office and has teams of men that work for him on sites. I've never doubted him because he does have big dreams but he has always managed to meet them so far. With bonuses etc we are set to be very well off this year. Knowing dh he will want to put most of it back into the house. I don't really worry on that score just because he is mostly very clear on what he earns. His issue is that he sees the breastfeeding course as a waste of time and money and that id be better off working for him so he can pay me a decent salaryou.

Thank you for all the people who've replied about the actual reality of being involved with breastfeeding support. It's definitely something I need to consider now because most people tell the same story....that it involves mainly voluntary work and the hours that are paid are few and far between. I'm wondering if a rethink is the way to go. I just love working with children really and I loved breastfeeding so much I sort of wanted to be able to help others too. Dh suggested looking into being a teaching aassistant which would be far more stable. I need to look at this at length really. I'm so grateful to you all for the advice anyway.

[zippey]

You mentioned that at least he doesn't stop you from going out and seeing friends, as if that was proof he isn't controlling.

But calling you every hour while you are out is controlling behaviour.

[category12]

It's a benefit to you! It's a financial protection he is denying you.

[MissesBloom]

Also am going to look into getting some sort of pension for myself in the least. Just not sure how to go about it, going to be doing a bit of research today.

[category12]

And make sure he has life insurance.

[SandyY2K]

This is the problem also - he sees our money as 'his' money

I know exactly what you mean. I remember asking my DH to give me a certain amount of £ while I was on maternity leave and not earning, because I didn't like asking for money when I needed it. He refused and said, if he did that, I'd end up with more money than him.

It got to the point of me almost in tears, then he gave me £1000.00, but I wanted a regular bank transfer.

I've worked in one way or another since I was 16, so I couldn't take this lack of financial independence.

Added to that he wanted more DC and I said I felt far too impoverished to do that, so I would only have more with a guarantee of him giving me a regular amount.

He wasn't willing, so no more DC. My kids are teenagers now, but I'll never forget that horrible feeling of having no money.

Stop trying to make him realise he's controlling with the money and just make plans to return to study. I'd already obtained my post graduate qualifications, so I was happy to return to work.

Moreover, I don't want my DD to think women are only housewives with no careers. I want them to go to university and why bother if they're only going to go from being dependant on us, to being dependent on a man.

Your husband is not only financially controlling, but he's trying to control your career aspirations. Don't allow that kind of selfishness

Being a SAHP may suit some people, but I hate being financially dependent on anyone while I'm an adult.

[nigelforgotthepassword]

I would say that it's vital that you DO work or study. not just for your own development,independence and sense of self, but because his attitude is troubling.
Those that love us are meant to help us do the things we want to in life, not clip our wings-and in this case with no discernible reason. You are in an enviable position of being able to choose to study or woken without economic pressures driving your choices.I would take the chance now were I you.

[RedBugMug]

yanbu
you need to study and work so that when (not if) you separate you have an income and support network in place.

[MissesBloom]

Sandy you are exactly where I want to be. If I'm honest I think I might have been half the issue. I started this thread yesterday and because of the response I got it gave me confidence to sit down and have the conversation and not be such a pushover. Dh is controlling which I tell him regularly but I've allowed it to go on.

I was gobsmacked when after very little resistance yesterday I actually got him to agree with some things. I think I needed to be more assertive.

Your story rings true with me on every level. I want the kids to value their educations and not to grow up feeling like their dad paid for everything. I am going to work on his attitude towards me and OUR money.

[corythatwas]

MissesBloom Wed 08-Feb-17 21:20:40
"We havent got pension arrangements. DH says state pension is a waste of time and wont be around by the time were old, he reckons that hell own the company and have his fingers in other pies by then so 'we wont need to worry', which obviously makes me worry more. I'll be quietly putting money away from now on just in case."

What evidence do you have that this man is running any kind of successful business??? He doesn't seem to have a clue about anything!

For most people, work is something they do partly to provide against the time when they won't be able to work. You have been working all this time enabling him to run his business; that work has saved your family money and some of that money should be laid aside to provide for your old age.

If he doesn't believe in state pensions, that's all the more reason to look into a private pension.

I was at home or working very part-time for many years due to the need for a family carer (disabled child). During all that time my husband was paying into a pension scheme for me, as well as for himself. Nobody knows which one of us will die or be incapacitated first; we both deserve to be looked after. That's how normal men think.

If I were you, I would not be looking for something interesting that might provide a sporadic income, like the NCT job: I'd be looking for steady paid employment. Like, now. That man of yours is not fit to see to your financial security or that of his children.

[corythatwas]

sorry, missed your latest post; apologies for cross-posting

[MaybeDoctor]

Your H sounds like the type of man for whom it is much better to do things, then tell him afterwards. Reasonable things, of course.

[SandyY2K]

MissesBloom

At least he'd agreed to allow you access to the money.

We would end up in tireless arguments getting nowhere. He'd say he was paying every single bill in the house (including those I paid when I was working) and I should be grateful, but I said I just felt so poor. I shudder when I go back to those times. I'm sure had I known about MN back then, I would have been advised to LTB.

I've never doubted him because he does have big dreams

That's all well and good, but what about your dreams?

I think any non working parent, puts themself in a vulnerable dependency situation.

It's fine while both parties are happy, until the SAHM is left for whatever reason and has 20 years of no work experience. You will obviously be entitled to a share of the assets, but that can take time to sort out and if you don't earn anything, you're up the creek without a paddle.

It's not that I'm a pessimist, but I've seen it happen a fair amount.

Be known as more than a wife and a mum.

Definitely get your pension sorted out as well like you said. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

[category12]

And it's not just the possibility of relationship breakdown. People die unexpectedly. People become unable to work. Businesses fail.

It makes sense for you to have your own income. Especially when you actually want to work. It really doesn't make a lot of sense to have all your eggs in one basket, when it comes to him talking about working for him.

Perhaps you could look at training to be a health visitor or midwife, something in that area?

It's good that you are going to look into setting up your own pension pot. I am wondering what he's going to say about where the money for it comes from.