Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

[MissesBloom]

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

[category12]

You

[Fabsmum]

Do your NCT training OP. I did and it gave me a wonderful group of friends (fellow students) as well as a way to make a good part-time income doing something interesting. The training was hugely enjoyable and life enhancing. You need something just for you. Really good luck with it. :-)

[Claireanneh]

You shouldn't let him control you. You are not ought to stay at home and be at his service just because his incomes are enough for both of you. You should be able to decide about the way you are spending your time, and if he thinks that you wishing to fulfil your dreams is a bad thing, you should reconsider your marriage.

[MissesBloom]

Maybe you are bang on - his dm does this with his Dad - they are very similar which worries me as dfil is a nightmare.

Sandy the access was non negotiable considering at the time he was refusing to let me sort a joint account. He couldn't really refused in my mind unless he had something to hide.

I said to him last night that I want something for myself, not through him or taking care of the children (as much as I love it, it was my choice), and that I had spent enough time enabling him to follow his career path, that now its my turn. He said that as long as I was doing for the right reasons he doesnt care.

I think he'll always be a controlling type, I do think however that I can be more assertive and let him know I wont be forced to cater to his every whim.

In terms of the marriage breaking up or him cheating I just don't see it happening. Obviously never say never but we've been together for 11 years, and two years prior to that, we went to school together and were great friends beforehand. We argue like all couples, but always manage to see eachothers point of view and we apologise and move on. He is just a muppet when it comes to being in control of money. He is a little bit obsessed with it too, loves making money, and so is constantly weighing up whether something is financially worthwhile. The odd thing is hes so on the ball at work, but he'll do stupid things like forget to do his tax return and will just leave it for months and months until he gets threatened to be taken to court. Its so odd. Its like he worries about the pounds coming in but not the pennies.

[HelenDenver]

If he is obsessed with money, point out the cash flow advantage of claiming CB and repaying it later (it is cost neutral, you repay exactly what you get).

Consider getting a personal accountant to do tax returns, one with small business experience could help with that decision also, potentially.

[PoorYorick]

He is just a muppet when it comes to being in control of money

And that's a serious failing in a controlling man who doesn't want you to earn any.

[mummytime]

More marriages break up over money than adultery.
Please make sure you and the children are financially protected.

And HMRC can be the worst people to owe money to, shy of anyone outside the law. They can legally impose massive fines, especially if you owe them money (100% is quite possible, so you have to pay what you owe and then double it in a fine).

From your description I wouldn't want to invest or really do business with your DH. Either being very organised with finances or willing to pay someone to look after them for you, is crucial in business.

[MaybeDoctor]

Is your name on the deeds of the house? I would be very cautious about your H borrowing money against it in order to invest.

[shinynewusername]

The odd thing is hes so on the ball at work, but he'll do stupid things like forget to do his tax return and will just leave it for months and months until he gets threatened to be taken to court

He is probably not on the ball at work at all - it's just easier for him to hide mistakes from you there.

By bailing him out from capital in the house, you have already taken a big chunk of savings for you & your DC and used it to pay off his debts. Don't let him bankrupt you. You need to be in control of the finances.

[RedBugMug]

the more reason you should do the training and start working...

[Mix56]

So, has this joint account happened ? I am guessing it won't.
Pacifying & deflecting is part of the abuse cycle.
I hope I'm wrong

[Andywho]

I was a mature student a lot of women on my Access course struggled with their under confident partners , and it did split some couples as aspirations changed. As a bloke I would say to their partners grow some they should be grateful their partner is developing and growing as a person and they should do too.