Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

[MissesBloom]

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money

You feel this way because of the tight hold he has over you, not just financially.

Time to tell him things are about to change, and yes, I'd brace yourself for an argument.

There's something really sinister about a partner not wanting you to better yourself.

I've dealt with it before...not physical aggression just verbal. But nothing to lose.

If he can shit on me for trying to better myself then I'll lose all respect for him anyway.

Minds made up...thanks to everyone who has given me the kick up the arse I needed

Well done, op. I know that it's not easy to take these things on board.

I don't think you stand anywhere sadly, he's made sure you're on your knees.
Have you got friends to talk to?

Sorry but your relationship sounds unequal and abusive. Not like a fair supportive partnership

Well done op. You need to take a bit of control back as you're an equal.

Yep have lots of friends and close with my family too who live nearby.

I think I'll see what the reaction is to me starting the application and if I get any resistance I'll start questioning why with him and letting him know it's not normal behaviour. It might just open up a discussion about the other problems...or an argument but either way I realise now I'm not being unreasonable here.

I have full access to his money in that I have his bank log in,can transfer funds where and when I want, and check what he spends where.

So transfer funds to your own account on a regular basis. Why don't you?

I won't repeat what other posters have said, apart from to say that all the behaviour he is exhibiting is a very good reason why you would be advised to get your own income.

I think that you need to look ASAP at building up a small stash of money for you and just for you, without telling him you are doing so.

Take a look at these websites:

From Aldi to Harrods
A disease called debt
ChammyIRL

There are things you can do from home, very discreetly, that will enable you to build up a small fund. Almost all of them are suitable for people who are home-based with small children.

If you never need to use this fund, fine. But it will be there.

Just want to point out that you have not sorted your debt problem out at all. You have moved unsecured credit card debt to secured debt against your home. Idiotic move IMO because you need to pay it off. Right now you are paying it off over the life of the mortgage which is extremely expensive.

I would point out to him that you, as a couple, need to know what is going on with your money and right now you are at risk of running up debt again on the credit cards because no one is making sure you don't spend more than what you have coming in to pay for it all.

Maybe thanks for those links. So weird because the people who run that blog from aldI to harrods have a YouTube channel that I follow. I had no idea thy had a website too. Will have a good look at those.

Im answer to a pps question about why i sell my stuff....im quite thrifty anyway and have always taken care of mine and the kids stuff so I can sell it on, and I buy second hand and from the charity shops simply because I don't believe we need brand new things the kids don't know the difference they just see a new toy or book it doesn't occur to them that it's been used before. I've always saved the money I get and try to keep it as long as possible.

Distance I guess I don't because he'd hit the roof if I took money without asking first. He wouldn't notice ten quid here or there because he throws money

Oops hit post by accident.

I meant to say he is so frivolous that he wouldn't notice the odd tenner but ididn't be scared I'd leave him short of money for his credit card bill. I think that's the only bill he has.

i'm a postgrad student and sahm and my dh is the polar opposite or yours - he's so proud and supportive and is constantly pushing me to attend conferences and write and research. i don't 'need' to work either as far as money is concerned but as far as fulfilment is concerned it's essential. all our money is shared in a joint account which we have equal access and control over - dh is fully aware that if it weren't for me he'd be paying a heck of a lot for childcare!
this isn't normal OP - he should be encouraging and supporting your personal and professional development, not putting obstacles in the way x

Credit cards are cut up. We ended up 800 a month better off by using some equity to pay it off. It was the only way to be honest.

He still has one credit card which he took out to pay for an operation im about to have. We have saved almost all the money to pay that off so that will be cut up by next month. I am going to be the one cutting it so that I can be sure it's gone.

We are better off financially now than we've ever been but it's been a slow process.

I now see the importance of a separate income.

Knit that's amazing glad you get the support you need.

Dh is supportive in other ways as I've said but has this attitude that just needs sorting! I've been too quick to drop it when I've been upset or offended by his sexist comments.

"I know he is controlling, I just cant get him to realise it. He thinks its perfectly reasonable behaviour".

He certainly

He wont allow us to have a joint account, which I kicked off about royally. I said he either has a joint account with me or gives me access to his bank account so I can check his outgoings. The reason for this is because he fritters money and one month last year (after a very tight spell with money) I found out he had spent £80 gambling, in the same week we barely had money for food!! I was LIVID and said I wanted access after that.

We are honestly happy in general,

That last sentence is trying to put a gloss on things; its not working. Do not kid yourself. And you still do not have full access to money either. He is also not a good dad to these children because of the abuse that he metes out towards you as their mother.

No you are not happy; all your posts suggest great unhappiness. You re being financially abused. Such men are more than not just solely financially abusive and often use different types of abuse to their intended target as well. You also write of verbal abuse; he is also abusing you verbally. He will actively sabotage any attempt you make to work outside the home; he wants you there and fully dependent on him. His actions are based on power and control. He wants absolute over you all.

You have no power at all in this relationship and he will never give up any of that for you either. Such men do not change. If he does buy this company I will tell you now that you will have no part at all in that.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Is this really what you want to teach them?. This is no legacy to leave them at all; they could well go onto repeat this very dysfunction in their own adult relationships.

I would suggest you contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice re separation from him asap. I do not write that at all lightly, he will continue to destroy you from the inside out.

"Dh is supportive in other ways as I've said but has this attitude that just needs sorting!"

So you still think his attitude can be sorted?. You are so wrong on all counts there and I would hate the thought of you spending for instance the next 3-5 years (shiver) trying to sort him out. It won't happen. He feels entitled to act as he does and such behaviours are deeply ingrained within his own psyche. I would also think that either one or even worse both his parents are controlling. He feels he has and is doing nothing wrong here, he does indeed feel entitled to act like he does.

He wants you powerless and dependent on him; he does not want you to have a life of your own outside the home. He wants to keep you in the gilded cage he has made for you.

Distance I guess I don't because he'd hit the roof if I took money without asking first. He wouldn't notice ten quid here or there because he throws money

Then tell him, quite calmly: "Look, you earn XXXX every month. I need XXXXX for X, X, and X every month. So I'm going to transfer that amount into my account on day X every month. Just so you know".

If he's not abusive, he will talk to you about it or perhaps question the amount, but he won't question your transferring the money in itself.

If he objects to the idea of you transferring money on a regular basis and prefers you to ask him for money, then you have a serious problem.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

He will be worried about the change in dynamics and his loss of control as you become more independent and it sounds like there's also an element of him not wanting to take an equal share of the parenting/housework as you'll be studying/working.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be looking after his own children. It sounds like he doesn't do much on his own with his children, and if it's going to be a regular thing (which I think it should be wether you study or not to be honest) I'd expect him to massively resist and drop shitty comments like "you've had all week to do the essay" type stuff, or make comments to try and get rid of any confidence and independence you gain.

Don't let him make you think you're doing something wrong in wanting to study or work, or that you are worthless. You've been looking after his children and home so he could earn, he couldn't have done that without you and he'd be a twat if he expected you to not work or study just so that he doesn't have to parent his own children on a weekend while you study.

I'd take yourself off to the library for studying too. Good luck OP with the application.

OP, I am currently a SAHP. DH covers all the bills and pays money into my account for day to day expenses. For bigger expenses (car insurance, holidays etc), we discuss and make a joint finance decision. I plan to go back to work in September and DH has already suggested evening courses to bolster my confidence.

This is normal. Begging for cash is not.

My DH is a bit like yours but we do have a joint bank account and he never stops me spending anything I want....although I don't and I'm careful because that is how I've always been.

Your DH does sound controlling but in our case, DH just thinks our family dynamic will negatively change if I work at the moment. Could your DH think the same without it coming out properly? Although he sounds condescending and sexist in the things he says to you.

My DH often moans if I ask him to do something like put the bin out if I've forgotten. He will say "well, what have you been doing all day....I go to work every day!"
He comes home around 8 and literally picks up the dinner plate I pass him and goes and watches tv. Then at 9 he goes to bed and watches iplayer or films in bed....whilst I deal with our kids, one of which doesn't sleep well due to ASD.

When I ask him to help, he just says well at least you don't work and can have a nap in the day.
I could never earn what he earns and he knows it.
I'm used to it now but hopefully once DS gets a bit older, I'll get a job as a TA or something similar.

DH I think, is like it because he knows he would have to come him and do a hell of a lot more around the house like cooking, homework with the kids, helping settle them etc. If I went to to work and he can't face it.

You know that he can just re-order a creditcard if it's cut up?

It's a comforting lie he (and you) are telling yourselves that you don't need to work - maybe his ego is too caught up in being the breadwinner - but if you're paying back these debts and have been struggling for money in the recent past, it's common sense that a second income stream would make life lots easier.

You do also need to think about pensions and what would happen were he to die unexpectedly. What would the financial reality be if you were widowed? Get the training and start the career you want so you could stand on your own two feet if necessary.

I feel that your MH issues have been quite convenient for him, keeping you where he wants you. I think he will do all he can to put obstacles in your way.

Being loving would be wanting the best for his partner - wanting her to have the chance to follow her dreams - it's not keeping her where it's most convenient and least challenging to him.

Good post category 12.