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Original poster

Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

187 replies

MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 14:14

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

OP posts:
Blackbird82 · 08/02/2017 15:51

He is very controlling. Who the hell does he think he is, getting in a strop because you want a life outside your kitchen.....

Sorry that wasn't meant to be offensive towards your current situation, but I get the impression that this is how HE views you.

It's maddening, get mad, tell him he is being controlling and your desire to be in gainful employment is something to be celebrated and proud of.

I think the more pressing question is why is he behaving in this manner? It's not right at all.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 16:00

I can see how it looks/sounds.

I'm not someone who would bow down to his every whim, I don't see myself as a victim really (which is probably what a victim would say) but Im not. I just sometimes cant see if its me being unreasonable or him.

I do go out, not often as I said but then neither does he. We are happy most of the time to stay in together, he doesn't go out drinking, or clubbing (just occasionally networking). He encourages me to go out but craps himself when Im out during the day because hes not used to having both kids. He tells me in advance when he is going to be out, puts it on our diary, especially if it'll be an overnight stay as I hate being alone overnight. I feel as though if I sit him down and explain I'm annoyed about stuff we tend to work through it together. Its just this financial situation that we are at loggerheads with. He wont budge. He'd never give me his bank card and have me transfer him money. As for the course he wants me to work for him and to pay me as a director in the firm. Its just not what I want for myself really. He wants this to be our business together.

Not sure how to go ahead - I dont want to just leave him just to sort this mess out.

Also it is kind of a joint decision because if he needed money for something similar he'd need to ok it with me first. I could get help financially I think, as long as I did some volunteer work. I just dont know when to put the wheels in motion. If I start to study now itll take me 3 years until Im qualified, more or less in time for dd to start at nursery. But this means he will need to help in the evenings so I can get stuff done. Maybe I should just tell him Ive decided Im doing it, its not a matter of if but when.

Re the money situation, we paid off our debts last year by taking some money out of the house. We were in a very bad position and our outgoings were less than his wages due to the interest on our debts being so high. We had quite alot of equity in the house so used some once we were able to remortgage.

He is a high earner, and now we are much better off. Not sure specifically how he'll buy the company, but he is very close with the man who owns the company, he sees dh as another son, and is planning to let him buy it over a few years.

We arent well off but not on the breadline either basically. Our money is mainly tied up in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 16:03

also as pp said, no he doesnt refer to it as 'babysitting' he would get a fist to the throat Grin

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 08/02/2017 16:05

OP, your husband's having complete control over the family money, refusing to give you access to it, and not liking at all the idea of your being independent (and it's not only studying and working - you say that he also calls constantly when you go out) IS abuse.

Your husband is abusive and controlling. Everything else is irrelevant.

DistanceCall · 08/02/2017 16:07

And to be perfectly honest, I don't think that he would get a fist to the throat, even verbally. That's what you tell yourself.

LisaMed1 · 08/02/2017 16:08

If you work for him and get paid as a director then he would have loads of control over you.

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 16:14

Which is half the reason for me not wanting to do it - also I couldn't take orders from him it would wind me up.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 08/02/2017 16:14

OP:

  1. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains - ABUSIVE
  1. I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument. - ABUSIVE

And that's before the calling you on the hour, I think you are kidding yourself on that this is a normal set up, perhaps for you it has become your norm.

He will not want you having independence, going out and mixing with other people and using your brain because he wants to control you OP, and he does and does not want that to stop; he has a fantastic life doesn't he, you at home, no doubt doing 95% of the domestic shit and scared to spend a penny on yourself.

You are not lucky, you are conditioned.

jeaux90 · 08/02/2017 16:22

OP whether or not he is abusive and controlling is one thing (he is by the way)

The other thing you need to consider though is your financial independence. Time after time on here I see women who have been sahm and cut the career short to then be dumped by the husbands and left with no way to support themselves apart from maintenance.

Please don't set yourself up. Get your studies done, get back out to work get financially independent.

He's no prize believe me, you need a plan b

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 16:29

Id better get cracking then I guess.....

I just think it sort of is a joint decision as itll cost money to pay the course fees and because I'll need his help at weekends to look after the kids.

I never really saw it this way - I suppose I've been way too much of a pushover.

Not going to ltb though, I dont think he really is a bastard - just an incredible knob. Will have to revisit the financial control with him as it clearly needs sorting.....should be fun Hmm

OP posts:
user892 · 08/02/2017 16:33

He'd never give me his bank card

When you are married, all assets and monies are jointly owned, regardless of who earned them. There's no such thing as 'his' money or 'your' money. This is why when couples divorce, a fair settlement is reached and a judge signs it off - usually 50/50 or better even for SAHMs.

He shouldn't give you his bank card because you should have a joint account with your own card.

Adora10 · 08/02/2017 16:36

He's treating you like a child, not an equal.

JellyWitch · 08/02/2017 16:38

Calling you every hour when you're out is not normal behaviour - that is also controlling and a sign of abuse!

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 16:39

He is not nice.

Agree with GW: this is controlling.

"when I do he does tend to call me every hour!! But I just tell him to get on with it like I do every day. "

EnormousTiger · 08/02/2017 16:42

Calling every hour is typical of people who are controlling and is unusual (except I suppose for absolutely besotted new lovers but even then...... or would only happen if someone were in a very risky situation or he was dealing with a new baby and not sure what do to and needed instructions).

I would not work for his business if I were you. I thiknk it's important to spread risk and money sources in a family have separate jobs and income so that if something goes wrong you still have the other thing to fall back on.

It is not true all assets and money are jointly owned when you are married, in law. However if you were to divorce it is true that it doesn't matter whose name they are in if the other person hasn't spent or lost them then they are up for a division between the couple.

DownTownAbbey · 08/02/2017 16:42

My ex was a high earning financial disaster who became financially abusive when I was. sAHM. Didn't end well!

Firstly he can't have it both ways. He can't say you don't bring anything to the table (?!? I presume he means money?!) and then actively try to stop you bringing in the bacon.
Secondly I agree with pp who suggest that he was probably thrilled that you had agoraphobia. Saved him getting repetitive strain pressing that redial button.
Thirdly if he's awful with money and intend to stay married there is every reason to have another income. Crazy.

Personally- because I've been there- I would never allow myself to become financially beholden to someone like this. Why shouldn't you follow your dreams? What a twunt Angry

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 16:43

I have full access to his money in that I have his bank log in,can transfer funds where and when I want, and check what he spends where.

I thought it was a good compromise

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 16:45

Then get your own account and transfer funds into it,,,?

user892 · 08/02/2017 16:46

It's super easy to add your name to a personal account. There's no reason why you should be excluded. You're still saying 'his money' .. why?

Original poster
MissesBloom · 08/02/2017 16:47

I can see that the phone calls are ridiculous, he knows they are. I usually ignore him to be honest.

Its only ever if he has them both. but Ive told him he just needs to deal with it. I have never come home early or pandered to it.

Cant believe this is such an unusual set up - just thought most men sort of dealt with the money when the women are sahm's.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 08/02/2017 16:49

FGS OP, you should have your own card to use, is there anything where he actually allows you to make your own decisions.

What do you mean by compromise, you're at home bringing up the kids, saving on childcare, so you do work!

He should be encouraging you to follow your dreams, not pissing on them like they don't matter.

He wants you home 247 and when you do leave the house, he's calling you constantly - you should not feel beholden to your husband and should have full access to your own bank account.

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 16:49

It's not about who deals with the money per se, but the attitude that it is his money, not family money, and that you are being told you are living off him etc.

Eolian · 08/02/2017 16:52

This is horrible, OP. As if it's not bad enough that he is financially controlling, thinks he has the right to tell you whether you can study or work and calls you every hour while you are out (wtf?), he openly mocks you for putting aside money to buy things for the children and would rather spend the money and fritter it away on gambling. Angry If those aren't sufficient reasons to ltb then I don't know what would be. Is this the model of a fair and loving relationship that you want your dc to witness and emulate? He's showing you what he's like and what he thinks of you. I'd listen.

Eolian · 08/02/2017 16:53

Dealing with the money in the sense of doing any financial related admin, fine. Being in CHARGE of the purse strings- not fine.

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 16:54

Exactly EoliAn