Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

[MissesBloom]

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem

AIBU?

[Andywho]

I was a mature student a lot of women on my Access course struggled with their under confident partners , and it did split some couples as aspirations changed. As a bloke I would say to their partners grow some they should be grateful their partner is developing and growing as a person and they should do too.

[Mix56]

So, has this joint account happened ? I am guessing it won't.
Pacifying & deflecting is part of the abuse cycle.
I hope I'm wrong

[RedBugMug]

the more reason you should do the training and start working...

[shinynewusername]

The odd thing is hes so on the ball at work, but he'll do stupid things like forget to do his tax return and will just leave it for months and months until he gets threatened to be taken to court

He is probably not on the ball at work at all - it's just easier for him to hide mistakes from you there.

By bailing him out from capital in the house, you have already taken a big chunk of savings for you & your DC and used it to pay off his debts. Don't let him bankrupt you. You need to be in control of the finances.

[MaybeDoctor]

Is your name on the deeds of the house? I would be very cautious about your H borrowing money against it in order to invest.

[mummytime]

More marriages break up over money than adultery.
Please make sure you and the children are financially protected.

And HMRC can be the worst people to owe money to, shy of anyone outside the law. They can legally impose massive fines, especially if you owe them money (100% is quite possible, so you have to pay what you owe and then double it in a fine).

From your description I wouldn't want to invest or really do business with your DH. Either being very organised with finances or willing to pay someone to look after them for you, is crucial in business.

[PoorYorick]

He is just a muppet when it comes to being in control of money

And that's a serious failing in a controlling man who doesn't want you to earn any.

[HelenDenver]

If he is obsessed with money, point out the cash flow advantage of claiming CB and repaying it later (it is cost neutral, you repay exactly what you get).

Consider getting a personal accountant to do tax returns, one with small business experience could help with that decision also, potentially.

[MissesBloom]

Maybe you are bang on - his dm does this with his Dad - they are very similar which worries me as dfil is a nightmare.

Sandy the access was non negotiable considering at the time he was refusing to let me sort a joint account. He couldn't really refused in my mind unless he had something to hide.

I said to him last night that I want something for myself, not through him or taking care of the children (as much as I love it, it was my choice), and that I had spent enough time enabling him to follow his career path, that now its my turn. He said that as long as I was doing for the right reasons he doesnt care.

I think he'll always be a controlling type, I do think however that I can be more assertive and let him know I wont be forced to cater to his every whim.

In terms of the marriage breaking up or him cheating I just don't see it happening. Obviously never say never but we've been together for 11 years, and two years prior to that, we went to school together and were great friends beforehand. We argue like all couples, but always manage to see eachothers point of view and we apologise and move on. He is just a muppet when it comes to being in control of money. He is a little bit obsessed with it too, loves making money, and so is constantly weighing up whether something is financially worthwhile. The odd thing is hes so on the ball at work, but he'll do stupid things like forget to do his tax return and will just leave it for months and months until he gets threatened to be taken to court. Its so odd. Its like he worries about the pounds coming in but not the pennies.

[Claireanneh]

You shouldn't let him control you. You are not ought to stay at home and be at his service just because his incomes are enough for both of you. You should be able to decide about the way you are spending your time, and if he thinks that you wishing to fulfil your dreams is a bad thing, you should reconsider your marriage.

[Fabsmum]

Do your NCT training OP. I did and it gave me a wonderful group of friends (fellow students) as well as a way to make a good part-time income doing something interesting. The training was hugely enjoyable and life enhancing. You need something just for you. Really good luck with it. :-)

[category12]

You

[category12]

And it's not just the possibility of relationship breakdown. People die unexpectedly. People become unable to work. Businesses fail.

It makes sense for you to have your own income. Especially when you actually want to work. It really doesn't make a lot of sense to have all your eggs in one basket, when it comes to him talking about working for him.

Perhaps you could look at training to be a health visitor or midwife, something in that area?

It's good that you are going to look into setting up your own pension pot. I am wondering what he's going to say about where the money for it comes from.

[SandyY2K]

MissesBloom

At least he'd agreed to allow you access to the money.

We would end up in tireless arguments getting nowhere. He'd say he was paying every single bill in the house (including those I paid when I was working) and I should be grateful, but I said I just felt so poor. I shudder when I go back to those times. I'm sure had I known about MN back then, I would have been advised to LTB.

I've never doubted him because he does have big dreams

That's all well and good, but what about your dreams?

I think any non working parent, puts themself in a vulnerable dependency situation.

It's fine while both parties are happy, until the SAHM is left for whatever reason and has 20 years of no work experience. You will obviously be entitled to a share of the assets, but that can take time to sort out and if you don't earn anything, you're up the creek without a paddle.

It's not that I'm a pessimist, but I've seen it happen a fair amount.

Be known as more than a wife and a mum.

Definitely get your pension sorted out as well like you said. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

[MaybeDoctor]

Your H sounds like the type of man for whom it is much better to do things, then tell him afterwards. Reasonable things, of course.

[corythatwas]

sorry, missed your latest post; apologies for cross-posting

[corythatwas]

MissesBloom Wed 08-Feb-17 21:20:40
"We havent got pension arrangements. DH says state pension is a waste of time and wont be around by the time were old, he reckons that hell own the company and have his fingers in other pies by then so 'we wont need to worry', which obviously makes me worry more. I'll be quietly putting money away from now on just in case."

What evidence do you have that this man is running any kind of successful business??? He doesn't seem to have a clue about anything!

For most people, work is something they do partly to provide against the time when they won't be able to work. You have been working all this time enabling him to run his business; that work has saved your family money and some of that money should be laid aside to provide for your old age.

If he doesn't believe in state pensions, that's all the more reason to look into a private pension.

I was at home or working very part-time for many years due to the need for a family carer (disabled child). During all that time my husband was paying into a pension scheme for me, as well as for himself. Nobody knows which one of us will die or be incapacitated first; we both deserve to be looked after. That's how normal men think.

If I were you, I would not be looking for something interesting that might provide a sporadic income, like the NCT job: I'd be looking for steady paid employment. Like, now. That man of yours is not fit to see to your financial security or that of his children.

[MissesBloom]

Sandy you are exactly where I want to be. If I'm honest I think I might have been half the issue. I started this thread yesterday and because of the response I got it gave me confidence to sit down and have the conversation and not be such a pushover. Dh is controlling which I tell him regularly but I've allowed it to go on.

I was gobsmacked when after very little resistance yesterday I actually got him to agree with some things. I think I needed to be more assertive.

Your story rings true with me on every level. I want the kids to value their educations and not to grow up feeling like their dad paid for everything. I am going to work on his attitude towards me and OUR money.

[RedBugMug]

yanbu
you need to study and work so that when (not if) you separate you have an income and support network in place.

[nigelforgotthepassword]

I would say that it's vital that you DO work or study. not just for your own development,independence and sense of self, but because his attitude is troubling.
Those that love us are meant to help us do the things we want to in life, not clip our wings-and in this case with no discernible reason. You are in an enviable position of being able to choose to study or woken without economic pressures driving your choices.I would take the chance now were I you.

[SandyY2K]

This is the problem also - he sees our money as 'his' money

I know exactly what you mean. I remember asking my DH to give me a certain amount of £ while I was on maternity leave and not earning, because I didn't like asking for money when I needed it. He refused and said, if he did that, I'd end up with more money than him.

It got to the point of me almost in tears, then he gave me £1000.00, but I wanted a regular bank transfer.

I've worked in one way or another since I was 16, so I couldn't take this lack of financial independence.

Added to that he wanted more DC and I said I felt far too impoverished to do that, so I would only have more with a guarantee of him giving me a regular amount.

He wasn't willing, so no more DC. My kids are teenagers now, but I'll never forget that horrible feeling of having no money.

Stop trying to make him realise he's controlling with the money and just make plans to return to study. I'd already obtained my post graduate qualifications, so I was happy to return to work.

Moreover, I don't want my DD to think women are only housewives with no careers. I want them to go to university and why bother if they're only going to go from being dependant on us, to being dependent on a man.

Your husband is not only financially controlling, but he's trying to control your career aspirations. Don't allow that kind of selfishness

Being a SAHP may suit some people, but I hate being financially dependent on anyone while I'm an adult.

[category12]

And make sure he has life insurance.

[MissesBloom]

Also am going to look into getting some sort of pension for myself in the least. Just not sure how to go about it, going to be doing a bit of research today.

[category12]

It's a benefit to you! It's a financial protection he is denying you.

[zippey]

You mentioned that at least he doesn't stop you from going out and seeing friends, as if that was proof he isn't controlling.

But calling you every hour while you are out is controlling behaviour.