Newborn- forseeing upset MIL, help!

[IMissGin]

Currently 36weeks pg and a teensy bit hormonal and anxious. I already have DC1 but this is number 1 for DP.

His mum lives a 6/7hour drive away (could fly in 45mins but chooses not to do her DP always comes too to drive).

They've booked to come down for a few nights staying in local B&b 2weeks after due date so potentially only days old if baby late which wasn't met with any enthusiasm at all, in fact DP had to coax them into coming as they weren't staying in house.

DP mentioned last night that he believes that she'll expect to be asked to come for a week or so to help shortly after and refusal will be interpreted as limiting access to baby etc and likely to cause drama.

I don't know how best to deal with it? I'm a really private person, I've had social anxiety issues over the years, I find house guests for more than a few days difficult. I don't want 'help', the thought of someone taking my baby from me or doing my washing or even being around the house while I'm trying to BF (didn't manage last time) or even still bleeding and up during night makes me want to cry.

They are nice people and truly mean well, I want to have a good relationship with them but I find it very overbearing and I don't know how to help DP understand or how we should deal with it. Does anyone have any advice?

And even if your anxiety is making this more difficult for you than the average new mother, why does he want to make things more difficult for you rather than less?

Look, stick the bugger in front of the screen and we'll sort him out for you.

I like my mother in law. I don't like having to negotiate round her in the bathroom when feeling crap. That's normal.

He doesn't care very much about you, not nearly as much as he cares about himself and his mother.
Really sorry but I don't think MIL's visits are your real problem, at all.

I'm sorry it went badly, OP, but I'm glad you got your points across.

I agree with the advice 'Tell him to ask any midwife if it is a good idea'.

Midwives aren't relationship counsellors or mediators

Emma, no, but they know a bit about postnatal care for both mothers and babies, which is fairly obviously what I'm talking about here.

Yes but I think it's a relationship issue, not a postnatal care issue. I just think the upcoming birth has brought the toxic MIL issue to a head.

I think the midwife speaking to the DP, even if he didn't completely listen, would make OP feel better as at least one person would be on "her side".

Maybe. It's a sad state of affairs, though, when you're hoping your partner will listen to the midwife as he's not listening to you

Sorry but he has to choose what is more important to him: his mother or his wife. Do not cave in. If he doesn't like it then tough, he can leave.

What a twat.

Sadly I don't think it's unfamiliar to midwives to have to explain to wider family that the new mother will need rest, will not be up to caring for guests as well as herself and the new baby, does not need stress (especially if a new mother already lives with anxiety issues), that the baby needs to be with mum and not constantly being carried away for cuddles by wider relatives reluctant to relinquish it, not being able to sleep/toilet/relax because of guests in the home..... it's not in the best interest of either of their patients and may be actively harmful.

I've heard of some getting very firm with partners not protecting the new mother and acting as an efficient gate keeper.

Yes but I think it's a relationship issue, not a postnatal care issue. I just think the upcoming birth has brought the toxic MIL issue to a head.

I don't disagree per se, Emma; but seeing as the OH won't listen to the OP's personal views, perhaps he'd listen to a midwife's professional ones.

I think you're dealing with this really well, and certainly as well as I think you possibly can! You must be feeling so hurt and unsupported right now. Do stand your ground if you can on this- I think it will be very important to your self esteem not to just fold in relation to this.

When I had ds we were both in hospital for quite a while before we came home and I was having to pump using the industrial strength medela, which gave me a mad oversupply in the first weeks and resulted in me getting a terrible case of mastitis in both tits when my baby eventually was subbed for the pump (the baby being less demanding than the pump). I had to have a high dose two week course of antibiotics to sort out the blockage and prevent what was turning into an abscess. As the result of the antiBs, I developed thrush in my nipples. This made breastfeeding sting quite a bit (to put it mildly) but what really helped was walking about with my tits out ALL THE TIME to let the air at them and stop them from being moist. (sorry, I feel like I'm not really selling BFing to you. IMO it is the best thing EVER and I love it, but we need to be frank about the challenges so that our sisters know when/ where to go for help).
Even without the need to have my jugs out 24-7 to help with the thrush, it transpired that (like 99.9% of all BF babies) my son fed constantly for a few days at a time on and off until he was about 12 weeks, which meant some weeks I just had to take to the sofa/ bed for 48 hours to satisfy his nurturing and to give my supply a chance to adapt (I also got through a lot of grey's anatomy on Sky Go and so much cake). I think if I hadn't been able to drop everything and do this, then I would have been unable to feed him exclusively as my supply was very reliant on his cluster- feeding demands.
SO, it is not you 'being difficult' or antisocial to want to take time to establish breastfeeding. I am so outraged on your behalf. It is your right as a mother to want to give this your best shot, in your own time, in a way that is comfortable for you and the baby.

I'm sorry but your DP is really coming across as quite a little boy himself who is more worried about his own mummy than he is about his partner and unborn child. How dare he put you through this stress and turn it into an attack on your anxiety issues. As a fellow anxiety sufferer, my throat is closing up just thinking about how I would feel if my Dp did that to me. I would have left tbh, but I appreciate your reasons for staying. I think you have done 100% the right thing to ask him to go away for a while to sort himself out and to give you some space on this. What a ridiculous silly baby he is being

Putting on my devil's advocate hat for a minute, I am trying to put myself in his shoes. In among all the excitement will of course be trepidation and fear. I wonder if it is starting to dawn on him that babies are hard work, and you are going to need a lot of support, and so he is reverting to his default childlike state and hoping his mum can sort everything out for him. It is totally understandable, but I'm afraid in these circumstances it is not ACCEPTABLE. It is time for him to come of age now and behave like the parent, not the little child.

The irony of all of this, OP is that round about 2-3 weeks post partum he is going to suddenly GET IT, and the penny will drop as to what you meant when you suggested that you needed space and alone time. You WILL both cherish your privacy at times to just 'be'. When you are feeling blissfully (or not so blissfully) zoned out, and you want to just stare blankly at the wall, or even gaze peacefully at your beautiful sleeping child, without having to worry about being on hospitality duty. I am pretty confident he IS going to get it eventually, but from the sounds of it, not quick enough

I do see your points rumbling and sapphire, and I think it could possibly help for the midwife to talk to the partner - I'm just worried that in this case the problem is too deep-rooted and he is far too invested in defending his mother and blaming the OP I honestly think they need couple's counselling but that's not to say midwives can't be helpful I just don't have a huge amount of faith in the ones I've seen.

I know, Emma. I don't think we're disagreeing really .

Sorry you haven't had the best experiences with midwives. I hope there ARE better ones out there!

Thanks, I haven't had bad experiences as such, it's just that the ones I've seen tend to be a bit patronising and stick to the script. I can't imagine them dealing brilliantly with a sensitive issue like this. But I'm sure there are midwives who are very good at getting it right.

He doesn't need to get it though, just accept it.

She's already booked a visit for when baby is still tiny-she can pop in & be "helpful", help her son with whatever he can't manage without her from the b&b.

It's just an excuse to get her way & be staying in the house asap isn't it as she's so pissed off that the already booked visit is to a b&b.

Hopefully he'll realise that she doesn't need to come back & stay & "help", but can visit again in a couple of months or whatever or wait until you go there.

I think I'd let the first visit go (horse seems to have bolted after all), so long as they stick to their b&b and don't just descend (although, the odds on that happening.....)

He's asked to talk again tonight, thanks for the support. Feeling less unreasonable.

This time, make him talk. You have made your position very clear so it's now up to him to justify his view, not you!

Good luck Imissgin. You're definitely not being unreasonable.

Don't let him make you waste too much of your energy on this though.

You really do have more important things to focus on.

Although he has asked to talk again, I suspect that what he actually means is that he wants another chance to convince you that everything is YOUR OWN FAULT.

By making all the problems your own fault, he neatly and cleverly avoids any guilt or blame in the difficult situation and its outcome. He doesn't need to blame himself or his actions and he most certainly cannot blame his paragon of a Mother.

Whatever you do dear IMG do not start to believe his twisted interpretation of the situation. What you think and feel IMG is yours to own, and no one, not even his Mother, can tell you that your feelings are wrong and that their feelings are better and have more importance than your own.

You're not being unreasonable. It's not just the new baby and tiredness. You'll be bleeding, will need to recover from any birth complications, will probably be trying to establish breastfeeding and bonding.
I've had two and both times I needed quiet and my husband to bring me food.
Visitors can wait.
My MIL deliberately came from France, for one night. I'd asked her not to. The baby was breastfeeding and she barely saw her.
Maybe try - I do understand she's excited but this is also about me and my needs. Or something.

I hope things are better after tonight's talk, Gin.