Newborn- forseeing upset MIL, help!

[IMissGin]

Currently 36weeks pg and a teensy bit hormonal and anxious. I already have DC1 but this is number 1 for DP.

His mum lives a 6/7hour drive away (could fly in 45mins but chooses not to do her DP always comes too to drive).

They've booked to come down for a few nights staying in local B&b 2weeks after due date so potentially only days old if baby late which wasn't met with any enthusiasm at all, in fact DP had to coax them into coming as they weren't staying in house.

DP mentioned last night that he believes that she'll expect to be asked to come for a week or so to help shortly after and refusal will be interpreted as limiting access to baby etc and likely to cause drama.

I don't know how best to deal with it? I'm a really private person, I've had social anxiety issues over the years, I find house guests for more than a few days difficult. I don't want 'help', the thought of someone taking my baby from me or doing my washing or even being around the house while I'm trying to BF (didn't manage last time) or even still bleeding and up during night makes me want to cry.

They are nice people and truly mean well, I want to have a good relationship with them but I find it very overbearing and I don't know how to help DP understand or how we should deal with it. Does anyone have any advice?

I think I would start the conversation with talking about how difficult it is to explain your reluctance. As men never give birth, they cannot experience the after effects. The mental differences, the baby blues. the need for privacy the sheer exhaustion. Men see the excitement of a new baby, they see the work involved and think that another woman in the house will be a help whereas a mother sees it as one more thing to cope with. After carrying the baby and giving birth you have the right to make decisions for your own well being. Try to get him to realise that his stance is going to be detrimental to you, your existing child and your relationship.

If he continues to say you are being difficult, I would tell him until he has done what you are about to do he is not the one to make that decision.

The issue I have with 'I don't know how I'll feel...' is that largely I do know how I'll feel, I've had a newborn before and I don't like help/extended houseguests even when not pregnant. I feel like by allowing her to continue thinking that's what's going to happen I'm just saving up issues for when I'm at my most vulnerable.

Also my anxiety issues mean that if I don't feel like this is dealt with I will continue to worry about it until it is.

Then tell him: "I know I won't find an extended visit in any way helpful. I need you to tell her, please." And repeat!

Stand your ground....mil came to stay with us for a few weeks after one of my dcs were born, tbh she was good in the sense that she gave me a lot of invaluable advice and cooked every night but after that I needed to find my own feet.
She didn't talk to me for about 3 weeks but I was so busy with 2 to even notice and now it's like nothing ever happened.
If you don't put your foot down now it'll be something else in months to come.

Can you maybe stress how important keeping a routine for your other dc is and having guests will disrupt that even more.

Just to add I also suffer from aniexty and worry what others think/will say etc but lately I've been making a conscious effort to be straight and tell people why I'm not comfortable etc and I've felt a bit worried actually saying it but not one bad thing has come from it

The issue I have with 'I don't know how I'll feel...' is that largely I do know how I'll feel, I've had a newborn before and I don't like help/extended houseguests even when not pregnant

Then don't say that. Tell him no and say why.

I think I would directly message her to explain that you will need space to bond with your baby and privacy to recover from the birth in the first few weeks and would love for her to come see the baby for an hour or so a day but could she stay in a hotel or b and b, stress you really want to see them and want them to get to know the new baby but need to have your house to yourself. It's so important to set your stall out otherwise this could be the start of them increasingly pushing you around. If she kicks off, it was always going to happen at some point and you may as well get it over with. I just think it is so important you can relax a bit and rest after giving birth and have the space to deal with midwife appointments etc and bf, worth being assertive to get what you need.

trifle you should do some leaflets with this info for the non assertive like me

Bluebellevergreen:

Like verbal karate lessons!

You know, instead of letting your 'D' P making you fear offending your MIL, you should, make it clear to him that his imposition of his family on you in the first weeks after having a baby will seriously offend you and cause irreparable damage to your relationship with them.

Make it clear that you feel they are completely callous and purposely riding roughshod over your health and mental weellbeing and your newborns wellbeing.

And that your own family would not and have never imposed thmeselves on you, if hes going to compare families.

Your P is the biggest problem you have.

He doesn't get it. Thinks it's me being unsociable and controlling

Some ammunition to share with dp and possibly MiL too.... (note the consistent message of visits 1 hour tops! Article 2 talks about why staying at the newborns house is Not Helpful)

www.breastfeeding.asn.au/10-big-tips-visiting-new-baby-%E2%80%93-and-being-asked-back

grandparents.about.com/od/grandparentingissues/f/Visiting-a-Newborn-Grandchild.htm

brandnewfather.com/dos-and-donts-of-visiting-a-newborn/

www.mamamia.com.au/rules-for-visiting-a-newborn/

Unfuckingsociable? Now I am pissed off!

"It's not twatting Thursday night bingo, DH. I will have, very recently, either pushed a person out of my fanny or been sliced open so that said person might be safely extracted. If she comes anywhere near this house without my express permission, unsociable will be the least of her worries."

In the immediate post-natal period you can comtrol what the fuck you like.

Sorry he's being so shit

"And two of you will be feeling VERY sociable indeed because your head will be socialising with her arsehole after I shove the one up t'other!"

Just go for it!

The reason why he "just doesn't get it" is that he wants to put his Mother's wishes first, as he has done since childhood, and as he is now expecting you to do as well. He has never taken that leap from parent/child to adult/adult relationship with his Mother.
Him threatening you with "drama" if you dare to go against his Mother's wishes is a simple form of bullying. He has always given in to his Mother's "drama" or bullying, and he wants you to do the same.

You need to stand o your own feet and tell him and his Mother (while they are together for best impact) that things are going to be done your way from now on, otherwise you will spend the rest of your life doing what his Mother tells you to do, and I'm sure that isn't how you want to see your life panning out.

I think MIL do this with the first GC sends them batshit crazy! Stand your ground no is no. Unfortunately he won't see that you are right until the baby is here. He cannot comprehend sadly as he's not had DC before

Can't... it's not even her first GC just first one that isn't local

You are having a baby not hosting a dinner party, giving birth isn't exactly a picnic so you are entitled to be unsociable and controlling in the aftermath of labour and whilst you are bonding with your newborn. It's worrying that he isn't supporting you and is trying to emotionally blackmail you to get you to agree. Does he normally act like this?

I made the mistake of trying to please MIL when I had DD2 - it was a big mistake and almost landed DD2 back in hospital.

• I had had a very difficult pregnancy owing to undiagnosed EDS and fibromyalgia - I ended up in a wheelchair for 6 weeks and was induced early with pre-eclampsia and lost significant blood after the birth
• MIL (a difficult woman at best) wanted to come despite having medical conditions and living in a different country and we came under family pressure to let her come.
• so we said OK she can come and stay at our house when DD2 was a few weeks old
• this was a big mistake as she did not help at all and instead expected to be Hosted with a capital H:

>expected 3 meals a day placed in front of her, >just got up and left the washing up for us to do while she sat in arm armchair reading the paper > wanted sightseeing tours during the day > the toddler DD1 wanted to play - but she just wanted to hold the new baby > MIL threw a crying/screaming tantrum one night when I went to bed at 9pm - exhausted after a day of hosting and trying to bf - she wanted DH and I to entertain her in the evenings

3 days later I went to the baby clinic and DD2 had dropped from the 50th centile to just below the 2nd - she had actually lost weight while I struggled to meet the demands of this selfish woman. The nurse sent me home for 2 weeks bedrest and 2 hourly feeding

I'd love to hear from a few older women as to what the norm was when they had their children.
Did family stay over then?
Surely not.
It's just so annoying.
My pil are very nice people but our relationship will never be as good since the baby "incident" I felt so much rage for years and even now slightly resent their visits.
I had a horrible first night back, a miserable resentful post natal period (all special time which we will never get back) and it put a strain on dh and I for years. Even telling him about this thread made him feel bad about his lack of ability to stop it.
He still recalls saying to his mother "there's a travel lodge down the road" and her abject fury at the mere suggestion!
It was literally all about her needs and desire to get her own way at any cost.
It's so hard op but I'd dig deep and tell her yourself.

From the older generations of my own family:

• hospital stays were a lot longer in the 1950s/1960s - 10-14 day stays were often the norm so feeding routines were more established and dragon-like matron chased out relatives that stayed too long
• home births were also more popular - but for many people extended family were often more local so would "pop-in" with shopping/meals etc - but you were not required to put them up or have them in the house 24/7

" Thinks it's me being unsociable and controlling"

How horrible of him.

Why is what she wants more important to him than what you want?

In answer to your question diddl its what AdaColeman wrote earlier:-

"The reason why he "just doesn't get it" is that he wants to put his Mother's wishes first, as he has done since childhood, and as he is now expecting you to do as well. He has never taken that leap from parent/child to adult/adult relationship with his Mother.
Him threatening you with "drama" if you dare to go against his Mother's wishes is a simple form of bullying. He has always given in to his Mother's "drama" or bullying, and he wants you to do the same".

He has been trained by her to put her needs first at the expense of his own. What OPs partner fails to realise here is that his own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as the OP.

My gran - nearly 💯 had 2 werks in hospital or 2 weeks bed rest - whilst sisters popped in zeitgeist meals and a bit of cleaning

In hspitttal the babies were taken into the nursery so moms could rest overnight

Moms did not host inconsiderate guests on the pretense of helping.

They don't - they get in the way. They assume they are on holiday and expect entertaining and feeding. They make crap comments about the lack of biscuits but won't walk round the shop.

OP really hope tonight's chat went well!