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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Newborn- forseeing upset MIL, help!

179 replies

IMissGin · 08/02/2017 12:30

Currently 36weeks pg and a teensy bit hormonal and anxious. I already have DC1 but this is number 1 for DP.

His mum lives a 6/7hour drive away (could fly in 45mins but chooses not to do her DP always comes too to drive).

They've booked to come down for a few nights staying in local B&b 2weeks after due date so potentially only days old if baby late which wasn't met with any enthusiasm at all, in fact DP had to coax them into coming as they weren't staying in house.

DP mentioned last night that he believes that she'll expect to be asked to come for a week or so to help shortly after and refusal will be interpreted as limiting access to baby etc and likely to cause drama.

I don't know how best to deal with it? I'm a really private person, I've had social anxiety issues over the years, I find house guests for more than a few days difficult. I don't want 'help', the thought of someone taking my baby from me or doing my washing or even being around the house while I'm trying to BF (didn't manage last time) or even still bleeding and up during night makes me want to cry.

They are nice people and truly mean well, I want to have a good relationship with them but I find it very overbearing and I don't know how to help DP understand or how we should deal with it. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
BumDNC · 08/02/2017 13:40

Ok the B&B is booked in about 6 weeks? Is this paid for?

DP could ask them to change it for 8 weeks time.
Bearing in mind these are his parents too he might not want to do this.
Therefore I would suggest sticking rigidly to them staying in B&B and not budging and still having a 'text in the morning' approach to each day, also tell them they are welcome to visit outside of mealtimes, agreed in advance, or bring takeaway for you all to eat together but you will not be hosting guests for long periods.

I think a compromise on their side and DP's is needed here.

Astro55 · 08/02/2017 13:40

If she's upset - it isn't your problem -

Tell him it's not OK

Next visit - get him to change the beds and shop for groceries and do the cooking cleaning and let him learn about the work involved - it doesn't happen by magic

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2017 13:41

"I don't want bad feeling in the first few weeks, it's the last newborn I'll ever have and I want to enjoy my little new family bubble without the stress of arguing with DP or feeling like people are upset".

If any bad feeling is created it will not be of your doing. It'll be his mother stirring and wanting her own way. Other people being supposedly upset is not your problem.

If you do want to enjoy the first few weeks with your children then you are also going to have to raise your own boundaries with regards to his mother. I hope your DP can deal with her, at the very least you both need to present a united front.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 13:42

Astro55 part of the problem... he'd be happy to let his mum arrive and take over, her clean and shop and cook when she gets here. I can't think of anything worse.

OP posts:
seafoodeatit · 08/02/2017 13:43

It's not really help if it's forced upon you is it? surely it's just rude to impose yourself on people and then have a strop if they don't like the idea of it. Tell your DH to deal with his parents, you're not children, you have a say as to who stays in your home and when.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 13:43

Attila- really hoping we can find that united front. Getting some great ideas from this thread on how to achieve that too so starting to feel a bit stronger about it all.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 08/02/2017 13:45

Yes, this. This is not a choice simply between whether to upset his mother or not. This is a choice between upsetting his wife or his mother!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2017 13:46

Why is he happy for her to do this?. What is he going to do?. You do not want her "help" which sounds like it is anything but.

JollyBobs · 08/02/2017 13:47

Tell your DP that you don't want anyone staying when the baby is so young and you're not willing to compromise. Then let him get on with sorting that side out. You're having a baby, you've got bigger things to be dealing with so I would tell him he's to sort it and you'll concentrate on your LO's arrival! (I did this, worked a treat- no one want to mess with the heavily pregnant, hormonal, mum to be!)

PragmaticWench · 08/02/2017 13:47

If this is your DPs first baby, does he understand that you may be exhausted, bleeding, leaking milk and that establishing breastfeeding can sometimes mean sitting around with your bra off?!

You really need to spell it out to him, plus how the offer of unwanted 'help' will make you anxious and that can disturb breastfeeding etc.

He needs to sort this but probably won't unless he understands why.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 13:48

He thinks I'm being unreasonable by having a problem with it... he's happy to have guests, happy for his mum to help as less for him to do, he thinks my anxiety is the problem and I signed up to this when I got together with him knowing his family were hundreds of miles away his view is that I need to suck it up and he doesn't want to push his family away.

OP posts:
JollyBobs · 08/02/2017 13:49

Also a big reason we didn't want anyone staying in the house (Pil live miles away) was because we wanted to get used to becoming a 3! You could angle it as it's a big change for DC1 and you need time to get used to becoming a 4.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 13:51

Pragmatic- I have tried to explain, guess life after birth is one of those things that's difficult to get without experience though

OP posts:
August1984 · 08/02/2017 13:51

I'm so on your wavelength with this. I had an emergency c-section with my first, was very ill and so was baby, yet everyone was massively insulted that they weren't asked to see me in hospital and i asked people to wait until we were home and well. This time my new dp has said his parents must be asked to visit the hospital within the first day or two and at the same time or same day as my parents. As a fiercely private person, the idea of people i don't know piling into visit whilst i'm in PJ's, support stockings, a maternity pad and constantly getting my baps out to BF is an absolute nightmare!

I'd say that you need some breathing room and will let them know when they can visit when you have given birth. You'll know how you feel then too

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 13:51

Jolly- I have for the first visit within 2 weeks but I won't get away with it after that

OP posts:
ATailofTwoKitties · 08/02/2017 13:54

Your anxiety is NOT the problem. I can't see anyone on this thread saying 'Gosh, yes, book up for house guests just after having a baby! Everyone normal would love it, you weirdo!'

He's just wrong. Don't be sidetracked.

ATailofTwoKitties · 08/02/2017 13:55

I recommend a repeated mantra of 'Don't be daft, DP.'

SapphireStrange · 08/02/2017 13:56

it comes with a warning that it will make life difficult, there will be drama etc

Tell him that any drama will be his MIL's doing and will be for her and him to deal with.

Reiterate the things you've told us in your OP (you're very private, you find house guests difficult, you will feel sensitive and anxious about trying to BF, bleeding and being up in the night...). If he is at all reasonable, he will at least try to understand that.

User545656444 · 08/02/2017 13:57

I've had exactly this scenario with my inlaws. With our first-born they wanted to come and stay a few days after the birth for a week "to help". I really did not want or need this help, like you being private, wanting to establish feeding without being conscious etc, as well as having a very hands-on and domestic DH. It wasn't specific to them, I wouldn't have wanted my own family in my house for a week post-birth either.

I told DH to put them off and tell them they could come to stay after we were established, when the baby was a couple of weeks old (they live a very, very long drive or a flight away too). This was met with anger, and claims it was unfair as my family live locally and would get to see the newborn first/more. I was very clear I did not want this, and didn't even want him to tell them when I was in labour so they couldn't immediately set off. I left it to him to deal with...and he didn't. They arrived 24 hours after we'd arrived home from hospital. I was in a complete state after the birth, the baby was a nightmare to feed, I was exhausted and stressed, but had to focus on keeping them entertained, having DH's extended family to visit THEM while they were there, etc. Consequently BF never really established, I got no real rest and was anxious on edge the whole time.

The stress and resentment of having the newborn days dominated by people who put their needs way above mine - ill, exhausted, and shocked - had an impact on my post-natal health, and has had a detrimental impact on my relationship with my in laws that continues many years later (I'm not sure I'll ever forgive them forcing their way in and ruining it for me). For my subsequent births DH has been very clear that they come after a few weeks, explicitly when we say so, and stay elsewhere if we say so. I just wish he'd realised the importance of respecting my needs the first time. Do not let them over ride you on this.

piefacerecords · 08/02/2017 14:01

This is the time for your DP to put his big-boy pants on and deal with his mother.

This with bells on. The sooner he does it, the sooner he will save you both years of hassle.

JollyBobs · 08/02/2017 14:01

Could you meet half way? So agree to visitors but 2 nights max and only when BF has been established, when baby is 4 months old. They will want to visit but it sounds like your anxiety is partly caused by seemingly not having control over the situation. Perhaps setting rules may help. It did with us after my MIL ramped up the intensity maliciousness during my pregnancy 10 months on and they never stay longer than 2 nights and surprisingly they are on best behaviour. You do need DH on board though.

superking · 08/02/2017 14:02

Can you pre-empt it by inviting her for a weekend at a time when DH will be around and when you think you will be ready for a visit? If they are coming a couple of weeks after the birth then maybe suggest they come and stay for a weekend when the baby is a couple of months old?

You should hopefully have recovered from the birth by then, the baby might even be sleeping for longer! If they suggest a longer visit I think your DH will have to be firm but polite and refuse.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 14:02

Oh fabrication! That sounds truly horrendous and exactly why I insisted on b&b and agreed dates for first visit now. I hadn't thought about this second longer visit much until it came up again yesterday... I do feel like I'm trying to protect our long term relationship as I'm sure I'd resent it for a very long time.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 08/02/2017 14:06

DP mentioned last night that he believes that she'll expect to be asked to come for a week or so to help shortly after and refusal will be interpreted as limiting access to baby etc and likely to cause drama.

For this reason alone I would ay no...

diddl · 08/02/2017 14:10

If she asks about it again say that you've no need of her coming to help & she doesn't need to ask again.

So this would be additional to the visit that's planned?

Your husband sounds a bit useless about it all tbh.

Even if she might be helpful, that can easily be outweighed by just the sheer fact of another adult in the house.

Plus, if he's going to be around he just needs to get on & get stuff done-not take the idle option & have mummy come & keep house for him!