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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Newborn- forseeing upset MIL, help!

179 replies

IMissGin · 08/02/2017 12:30

Currently 36weeks pg and a teensy bit hormonal and anxious. I already have DC1 but this is number 1 for DP.

His mum lives a 6/7hour drive away (could fly in 45mins but chooses not to do her DP always comes too to drive).

They've booked to come down for a few nights staying in local B&b 2weeks after due date so potentially only days old if baby late which wasn't met with any enthusiasm at all, in fact DP had to coax them into coming as they weren't staying in house.

DP mentioned last night that he believes that she'll expect to be asked to come for a week or so to help shortly after and refusal will be interpreted as limiting access to baby etc and likely to cause drama.

I don't know how best to deal with it? I'm a really private person, I've had social anxiety issues over the years, I find house guests for more than a few days difficult. I don't want 'help', the thought of someone taking my baby from me or doing my washing or even being around the house while I'm trying to BF (didn't manage last time) or even still bleeding and up during night makes me want to cry.

They are nice people and truly mean well, I want to have a good relationship with them but I find it very overbearing and I don't know how to help DP understand or how we should deal with it. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 15:49

I can't poo with house guests as it is Blush did I mention that?

OP posts:
terrylene · 08/02/2017 15:51

I can't poo with house guests as it is blush did I mention that?

Oh no! You can't be doing with that. Space and privacy needed for post-partum pooing. Most definitely.

Stick to two weeks after, and don't let go.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/02/2017 16:05

This is ridiculous. Tell DP to back off! It's not happening, you will let them know when you are ready.

You have to put your foot down now, sod the consequences, your child and your health are more important than crying-arse grandparents.

Just say no, end of. Then get on with the rest of your pregnancy with less stress, and if your DP carries on about it tell him to GTF aswell Angry

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 16:09

I'm going to try to speak to him after DC1 in bed tonight. Taking on board all the tips etc, thank you

OP posts:
terrylene · 08/02/2017 16:14

Do impress upon him that he needs this time too. It is not something to be given up for an 'easier life' with his mother. It is a big change for him and very special, and he won't get it back.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/02/2017 16:21

Good luck OP, stand your ground now.

Start as you mean to go on, your wants/needs are just as important as your DP's. And they should definitely come before his parents.

diddl · 08/02/2017 16:24

It's so sad really, isn't it?

You say that they're nice people, but her determination to not be left out is making you want to push her away.

She's creating a self fulfilling prophecy whereby she won't get the relationship she wants.

Now really isn't the time for her son to be thinking about what's fair & that his not yet born is a toy to be handed around with equal shares.

There will be plenty of time for him to facilitate a relationship between them.

Just home from hospital isn't that time!

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 16:28

You're right diddl, it's making me want to push away even more which I such a shame. I feel like if I give an inch they'll take a mile.

It's also making me doubt decision on surname but that's a whole othe can of worms.

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 08/02/2017 16:32

He thinks I'm being unreasonable by having a problem with it... he's happy to have guests, he's happy for his mum to help as less for him to do, he thinks my anxiety is the problem and I signed up to this when I got together with him knowing his family were hundreds of miles away his view is that I need to suck it up and he doesn't want to push his family away.

Impress upon him too that this is not all about him.

He isn't giving birth to another person, his body will not be sore, tired and shocked and possibly stitched with recovering to do, he will not have his hormones everywhere, his boobs will not be sore, he won't be trying to establish breast feeding and no matter how pissed off he and his mummy get, there is no chance in hell of him getting pnd.

Set your midwife on him and ask her to set him very firmly straight about this, he's being appallingly selfish. I would at this point add a clear threat that a bag will be packed and if he intends to let mummy make home untenable for you then you and baby will be leaving to go to a hotel. Or that he's welcome to go stay with her and be babied while you do the parental thing like, you know, actually putting your child first.

Ledkr · 08/02/2017 16:54

What is it with some men?
My son was 18 yes 18 when his gf had their baby.
He was extremely clear in telling me when I could visit and they accepted my subtle offers of help on their terms completely.
If he can do it why can't grown ass men!

diddl · 08/02/2017 17:02

" I signed up to this when I got together with him knowing his family were hundreds of miles away"

Signed up for what?

That visits would entail them sleeping over?

That's not what this is about at all though, is it?

It's about his mum wanting x, y, z & him not seeing a problem with it as long as he isn't put out.

And re what I said about her MIL staying-well, that doesn't really matter does it?- I suppose it might just make her think that it's a thing that MILs do.

But if it's not what you want, that's all that matters.

Sounds as if she wouldn't be of that much help as she'd be making the most of seeing the baby as she's so far away she wouldn't know when she's going to see them again.

At the end of the day when your husband is there he is help that you have & when he's not-you get to choose if you want help & who that help is!

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 17:09

Signed up to lots of house guests and that they'll want to 'make up lost time' when they are here I guess

OP posts:
Sittinginthesun · 08/02/2017 17:17

I completely get this. My very well meaning, but completely domineering MIL arrived when ds1 was a week old, and stayed in a nearby B&B for a fortnight. I spent the time in a complete blur, was struggling with feeding, severe constipation and piles, a 3rd degree tear, blood and milk everywhere, and my darling FIL sitting in a corner, trying to keep out of the way. She did try to help, but took over, and I couldn't even talk to the midwife on my own.

Second time, I had a frank discussion with her, and we arranged that she would stay for two shorter stays, and only come round between 10am and 4pm.

So much better, and we have a good relationship now.

DH couldn't explain, but he just didn't understand. I think you may be best speaking to her direct, telling her what you are worrying about and reaching a compromise.

Bluebellevergreen · 08/02/2017 17:20

I honestly dont understand how people think appropriate to invite themselves over with the excuse of helping when all they want is baby cuddles.
I want baby cuddles thank you, this is my first baby.
They want a say on the baby's name. They want to come whenever they fancy.
NO.
Enough.
I am next weeks and I am getting texts from people I have never even grabbed a coffee with saying "oh I can come visit" WTF?
I had a visitor last week, 38 weeks pregnant and had to make drinks for us, lunch for us, pop out again to buy extras as she had allergies, she spilled tea on my couch and I had to go clean it. Left me with the dishes.
Had to drive her to bus stop.

MIL came to visit (with some stupid excuse) and she was told under NO circumstances she was staying.
She shows up and goes: oh! I would need to leave at 2:30 to avoid rush hour or I will have to sleep here. (It was 1pm and we were heading out for lunch!!! Oh did I make sure she was out on the road on time? Damn right.

I am going to put me and the baby first I tell you that now.

Bluebellevergreen · 08/02/2017 17:27

And OP, about surname... another can of worms. MIL not happy I didnt take DH's and her face when we told her the baby will probably have both surnames was self explanatory.

Then she kept asking about names and we said we are NOT saying so she proceeded to tell us how the other grabdchildren have middle names from the grandparents BLAH BLAH opinion NOT wanted thank you.

So we had decided on a name (DH's grandad but because we like the name that is all) but now I am tempted to say NO just not to give her that satisfaction

Floozie66 · 08/02/2017 17:30

How is mil really going to help if you are going to be bf for hours on end , prob in bedroom if her partner is around . Explain to your partner that having people in house whose main motivation is to hold your baby is just going to cause problems for bf and bonding. Delaying her visit however isnt going to affect grandarent bond as this will happen over a longer time period. baby only needs to bond with mummy (and daddy) at this early stage (4th trimester). I really dont understand these women who have also given birth at some point and completely lack insight into the importance of those first few weeks for parent / baby bonding . So selfish

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 17:34

We've not told anyone names yet but DP and I not married and she asked re surname when last here.. apparently 'if it's a girl she doesn't mind so much if it has mine but if it's a boy it should definitely have his', in the same breath rabbiting on about how important it is for mum's and kids to have same name despite the fact that I don't have the same surname as DC1 and she knows I hate it... sigh

OP posts:
Bluebellevergreen · 08/02/2017 17:38

Gggggrrrrr ggggrrrrrrr gggggrrrrrr stupid stupid

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 08/02/2017 17:50

Oh god put your foot down. It's so bloody annoying when women feel they can do this to each other. My MIL apparently had fantasies about having a new baby. Nursery filled, decided I was bottle feeding and tried to pressurise me to stop Breastfeeding, etc. DH is lovely but hasn't been great about actually telling her to fuck off so has been simmering issues for a while. Hmm Your child and your body that said child will be removed from one way or the other. Stand up for yourself now Gin

RachaelCatWhisperer · 08/02/2017 17:53

Oh my, this is my big nightmare about our baby arriving. I wouldn't really be happy with my own parents moving in, or even visiting every day unless there was a very good reason (my reason!) for it, let alone his parents!

I'm so sick of tales of outlaws being pushy, demanding and selfish - what on earth are we supposed to do? Just put up with it even though it is so far from ideal or risk being that evil daughter in law who won't let them play? Urgh!

Ultimately though, your fella needs to strap on a pair and tell his mum that we don't want any overnight guests and that we want to be alone with the baby. If mum has a cob on about it, he needs to remind her that those first few weeks are not about what she wants. He may not have been through this before but he needs to get his head around what the first few weeks postpartum will be like, and playing hostess to his family is not going to help you one bit.

Any normal person would realise from your reluctance to commit that you're clearly not sold on the idea. Sorry to be blunt but she's being very selfish in my opinion, and he is letting her get away with it.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 17:53

Steeling myself for 7:30, just trying to get him to engage in conversation about it will be the tricky bit. Wish I could have a Wine

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/02/2017 17:58

Good luck, OP! Keep it simple and direct: "I don't know how I'm going to feel when the baby comes and I can't commit to anything at the moment. I need you to tell her, please." And repeat. It isn't her place to insist and demand.

Bluebellevergreen · 08/02/2017 18:04

My MIL apparently had fantasies about having a new baby. Nursery filled, decided I was bottle feeding and tried to pressurise me to stop Breastfeeding WTF!

Good advice triffle! I am writing this down

SquedgieBeckenheim · 08/02/2017 18:10

For 9 years I put up with taking crap from MIL and having to basically put up and shut up in order to be polite and not cause a drama. Both sets of parents live a 7 hour drive away, so house guests were the norm. Then Christmas 2015 we were staying with MIL and FIL and I ended up having a blazing row with MIL over something rather petty, it was the straw that broke the camels back.
The air was cleared, and things have been slightly better since. We no longer have any house guests as we no longer have a spare room, which helps to take the pressure off. We haven't been in a situation since where we have needed to stay with them, we've only stayed with my parents. I can't foresee us needing to stay with the inlaws at all in future, my next issue will be unannounced guests as we're moving closer!
The moral is - sort it now, or you're just storing up a problem for the future. Stick to your guns and find a compromise you are happy with. Have them visit, but not stay in your house. There really is no need.

diddl · 08/02/2017 18:35

" "I don't know how I'm going to feel when the baby comes and I can't commit to anything at the moment. I need you to tell her, please." And repeat. "

Yes, that's all that needs to be said, really.

Being rude about her won't achieve anything, tempting as it might seemGrin.

You're going to have a baby-what she wants/expects, don't figure into it at all-why would he think at all that they do?

You'll have just given birth ffs!