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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Newborn- forseeing upset MIL, help!

179 replies

IMissGin · 08/02/2017 12:30

Currently 36weeks pg and a teensy bit hormonal and anxious. I already have DC1 but this is number 1 for DP.

His mum lives a 6/7hour drive away (could fly in 45mins but chooses not to do her DP always comes too to drive).

They've booked to come down for a few nights staying in local B&b 2weeks after due date so potentially only days old if baby late which wasn't met with any enthusiasm at all, in fact DP had to coax them into coming as they weren't staying in house.

DP mentioned last night that he believes that she'll expect to be asked to come for a week or so to help shortly after and refusal will be interpreted as limiting access to baby etc and likely to cause drama.

I don't know how best to deal with it? I'm a really private person, I've had social anxiety issues over the years, I find house guests for more than a few days difficult. I don't want 'help', the thought of someone taking my baby from me or doing my washing or even being around the house while I'm trying to BF (didn't manage last time) or even still bleeding and up during night makes me want to cry.

They are nice people and truly mean well, I want to have a good relationship with them but I find it very overbearing and I don't know how to help DP understand or how we should deal with it. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 08/02/2017 22:16

He has been trained by her to put her needs first at the expense of his own.

This. He's wanting OP to put herself out to be sensitive to and accommodate MiL's wishes and wants - how is this being reciprocated? What being sensitive and accommodating is MiL going to do in return to OP's wishes and real, actual needs ?

sophiestew · 08/02/2017 22:22

I really feel for you. If he doesn't understand your anxiety then he's not much use really is he?

If you don't want house guests he should honour that. I can't stand having house guests either it totally stresses me out.

You have to stand up for yourself, no matter how difficult or you will make yourself ill.

MusicIsMedicine · 08/02/2017 22:29

It's not limiting access or anything of the kind. You are a new family with this baby and as such will be spending quiet, private quality family time in these early precious weeks. Mil can like it or lump it. Mine was exactly the same, they get worse if boundaries aren't drawn straight away. Mine refused to hand my newborn back when asked, tried to grab the pram from me out with my second walk ever with baby and at one point tried to grab her out of my hands. Fil no better, came off a commuter train, without washing his hands, ran into the house and scooped my sleeping newborn right out of her moses basket. I've lost my shit over loads of stuff, partner too under mummy's thumb to defend me or his child. We've had massive arguments over mil and her complete lack of respect for boundaries and for me as my child's mum. She tries to parent my child and phoned me up to tell her I can't criticise her "as she's done it" - very poorly in my view - but she is so arrogant as to believe she's perfect and can ignore my parenting wishes and do what she likes with my child. Result - I simply went low contact with her and she'll never have any unsupervised contact with my baby, as she has proven she doesn't respect others and in my view she has a serious personality disorder.

Do not let your mil ruin this precious time with your baby!!!

MusicIsMedicine · 08/02/2017 22:44

He is putting you and your newborn's NEEDS before his mother's WANTS.

Because he is so enmeshed with his toxic parent, he is now trying to control and manipulate you and guilt you into compliance - he needs to put you first, end of. You're having the baby, your needs are number one priority, don't be bullied!

AdaColeman · 08/02/2017 22:48

"He thinks it's me being unsociable and controlling"

You can see how well he has learnt his lessons from his Mother, he has taken IMissGin's problems, and rather than help her solve them, he has given them a little twist and made those problems her own fault.

Therefore he doesn't need to help her, he needn't upset his Mummy by supporting IMG because the problem is entirely of her own making.

Far from you being controlling, it is him and his Mother who are doing all the manipulating.

BlackeyedSusan · 08/02/2017 22:48

yes there would be fallout. so much fall out that he could go and live with his bloody mother...

hmmm I think you may have just touched a nerve there.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 22:55

It went badly. I'm off to sleep in the spare room (it's comfier). It's all my problem, he doesn't have a problem with any of it, he wants help and visitors, it's my conditions and demands that makes it difficult and my 'selfish anxiety'.

I'm gutted, he doesn't understand me at all.

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 08/02/2017 23:00

Well why doesn't he go and give birth at his mum's and have all the visitors and help he wants, and leave you in peace?

Interesting the word 'selfish' keeps being thrown at you, what you're quoting is in fact all about him. You seem to barely figure in this at all!

Astro55 · 08/02/2017 23:02

Then walk out - go visit your mum and friends and get some real support.

Then ring him mum and tell her No it's not what you need right now ... but it f you think of anything ....

KatieScarlett · 08/02/2017 23:14

Go to your mums and stay there till your arse of a DP wakes up and realises where his priorities are.

MusicIsMedicine · 08/02/2017 23:16

FFS. What is wrong with him. You are the one having the baby and the aftermath and then bonding with your new baby, birth is huge, until he has a fanny, tell him your needs are not selfish, they are NEEDS not wants.

You want to bond with YOUR BABY and sorry but everyone outside of baby and parents comes secondary when YOU are ready, end of - and even then it will be a short visit. His attitude is making my blood boil, sounds so familiar.

Don't be manipulated. Your baby, your body, your rules!

seafoodeatit · 08/02/2017 23:18

It really is horrible how they're trying to manipulate you, he's being very unreasonable and to call your anxiety selfish is just down right despicable. If I was in your shoes I would say that if he insited on his mum staying then for the duration of her stay you and the children will be staying elsewhere as clearly keeping his mum happy is more important than the well being of his wife and baby.

Original poster
IMissGin · 08/02/2017 23:20

I wish Katie, sadly I'm still working and DD needs to get to school etc so I'm stuck here (although a week with my mum isn't really any more palatable than a week with his. I just want calm, space, peace in my own house to relax- I could ask him to go for a bit but would only fuel the fire I guess.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 08/02/2017 23:22

Ask him to go spend a week with his mother if it means that much to him.

You seriously need to sort this out

Wait till the baby arrives and you have the first visit .... see how he feels then .... make sure you let things drift ....

KatieScarlett · 08/02/2017 23:27

Oh love, I'm sorry. Is there another friend or family member that can talk some sense into him?

BlackeyedSusan · 08/02/2017 23:33

really sorry it went badly.

he needs to feel the consequences of his behaviour. he puts mil and his wants first then you need to look after yourself and dds needs first. however that needs to be done.

numberseven · 09/02/2017 02:21

I'm gutted, he doesn't understand me at all.

I'm so sorry.

Tell him "understanding is not required. This is not your decision". And if he still invites your mom over, tell him you and the children will stay somewhere else. MIL can bond with her adult baby boy in peace.

FritzDonovan · 09/02/2017 03:45

I know this doesn't help with him not seeing your side of things (which as you are giving birth, should trump everything else), but could you give DP and his mum a definite week 4/6 weeks after due date? Then you get bonding time, they should be mollified (though I know you shouldn't be put in that position, it may prevent arguments). Apologies if this has been suggested and I missed it!

Aki23 · 09/02/2017 04:34

If she wants to have hurt feelings let her. You do what you feel is right and comfortable for you.

I'm hearing from family members that my grandmother who was very nasty about me and my pregnancy behind my back is considering contacting me offering money if I will introduce her to ds. Don't need that toxicity in my life

JanuaryMoods · 09/02/2017 06:43

I can see why he wants his mother around to have a relationship with the new baby but cannot understand his insistence that they stay with you.

Tell him that you may be able to tolerate houseguests once the baby is sleeping through the night (and by then you may feel able to) but while there are night feeds and you are sleep deprived you need the evenings and night to be just you, so a B&B is best for now.

Try to welcome them during the hours of daylight, though, that seems fair.

RachaelCatWhisperer · 09/02/2017 08:06

Perhaps get someone else to help explain what you are likely to need and want in the first few weeks, like the midwife or bring it up at NCT classic something? I hope that if he understood that you're not just being difficult or mean then he would side with you. Ultimately he must realise what damage this will do to your relationship, and if he is any kind of partner and father he needs to put his wife and child first.

Original poster
IMissGin · 09/02/2017 08:14

We haven't spoken since and I've left for work. I've asked him to consider going away for a few days to give me space to think. Fundamentally he doesn't understand me, he thinks my anxiety is my problem and unreasonable. I need to get to a point where I feel understood and supported, right now I'm just banging my head off a brick wall.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/02/2017 08:20

"He doesn't get it. Thinks it's me being unsociable and controlling"

"It's all my problem, he doesn't have a problem with any of it, he wants help and visitors, it's my conditions and demands that makes it difficult and my 'selfish anxiety'."

Oh dear. As people often say on here, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem. He's taking her side and essentially choosing her over you. He cannot do that when you're having his child; he must understand and prioritise you and your needs. You're the one giving birth and it's not selfish of you to want your home to yourself afterwards. He shouldn't be using your anxiety as a stick to beat you with; he should be understanding and supportive about it.

I suggest you read the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward. And see if you partner will agree to couple's counselling ASAP. I don't want to catastrophise but I think you need it if your relationship is going to have any chance of surviving.

And for the love of God please give your child your surname. By all means give your partner's surname as well (ie double barrelled) but don't give up yours.

April2013 · 09/02/2017 09:09

Tell him to ask any midwife if it is a good idea and that they will all say that it's a terrible idea and normal that they should stay in a b and b. Postnatal ward's often display big signs saying give the mother and baby space and don't visit for too long and a list of all the reasons why. I've been there where people are criticising because of anxiety, it is rubbish, I hope you are ok. Maybe you could speak to a midwife or NCT helpline to get some reassurance and advice about this. Hopefully this is a learning curve for him and eventually the penny will drop.

ATailofTwoKitties · 09/02/2017 09:16

Why doesn't he think his mother's jealousy is 'all her problem' and 'just her being unreasonable and controlling'? (Hint: it actually is.)

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