Newborn- forseeing upset MIL, help!

[IMissGin]

Currently 36weeks pg and a teensy bit hormonal and anxious. I already have DC1 but this is number 1 for DP.

His mum lives a 6/7hour drive away (could fly in 45mins but chooses not to do her DP always comes too to drive).

They've booked to come down for a few nights staying in local B&b 2weeks after due date so potentially only days old if baby late which wasn't met with any enthusiasm at all, in fact DP had to coax them into coming as they weren't staying in house.

DP mentioned last night that he believes that she'll expect to be asked to come for a week or so to help shortly after and refusal will be interpreted as limiting access to baby etc and likely to cause drama.

I don't know how best to deal with it? I'm a really private person, I've had social anxiety issues over the years, I find house guests for more than a few days difficult. I don't want 'help', the thought of someone taking my baby from me or doing my washing or even being around the house while I'm trying to BF (didn't manage last time) or even still bleeding and up during night makes me want to cry.

They are nice people and truly mean well, I want to have a good relationship with them but I find it very overbearing and I don't know how to help DP understand or how we should deal with it. Does anyone have any advice?

IMissGin it still makes me feel tearful thinking about it years down the line. It does seem quite common that the "fairness" to the side of the family that lives a long way away trumps the mother's needs and wishes both in the mind of DPs and parents and in-laws.

If you can have a level-headed chat with him about it, try and explain that although you don't want or intend to push them away, having them imposed on you when you are vulnerable is going to make you resent him and them long term.

Also, they are already visiting you really soon after the birth, so not exactly being held at arms length!! Can't he play it along the lines of "mum, you are a gem to want to help. Let's see how we go in the first few weeks and we'll let you know when to come for a second visit. I'm sure you don't what to be there when Gin is sitting around with her boobs out all day and the baby's feeding for hours and hours, and she'll really need to catch up on her rest after the first week or so so we're having a break from ALL VISITORS after you go home" (you don't even have to really enforce this, just be a bit lowkey on sharing photos etc).

Your DP needs to step up here and recognise his partner doesn't want this and that's that. This would have been my nightmare too OP. It's hard to articulate as my MIL would have been very helpful so why wouldn't I want that? Well the first few weeks in my eyes are a time for nesting down together and enjoying your baby together, and be able to feel relaxed while doing that.. it can be a stressful time in parts so you at least don't want anyone else there. Plus bleeding and leaking milk etc... thankfully my MIL lived close by at the time and visits were pop ins. Now we are a country apart and she's visited before the birth so won't be around, but said she wished she could have been so she could stays with us the first few weeks I would have said the same as you, stay nearby in a bnb especially as we only have a 1 bed flat. Your DP needs to be firmer, you are the priority here. You've been through pregnancy, birth/section, then a newborn. If it causes a problem then so be it.. you can't help how people react.

Sorry just read that this would be a second visit not straight after the birth, I still think the same though.

Yeah I've already given in to the first one spooky

She can expect to be asked-doesn't mean that it has to happen.

She can see a refusal as "limiting access"(wtaf??)-that's her problem to deal with.

Your husband seems far too concerned with placating his mum!

Is she still staying in BnB for the first visit though?

OP, you are far too nice.
Your MIL does not have a right of access to your baby just after birth. You need to be settled and peaceful in that time.
You've had lots of advice. Here's mine ... Don't give in!

IMiss, show your DP this thread. Or at least fabrication's story. I have a similar one but am too much of a wimp to post it.

I caused upset when DC2 arrived by putting down, very nicely, but very firmly, some ground rules. DSIL1 in particular got the message loud and clear. But she's a diamond who just didn't think straight the first time round as she was too excited.

DMIL's PA behaviour gets met head on now. I just won't tolerate it. Every so often DH gets very defensive and cross with me but I won't put up with that either.

Oops sorry, i think i totally misread your OP!

August-possibly, but thanks for sharing as it's really useful to help DP understand just how vulnerable I may feel

Spooky- yes, grudgingly. She made it v clear she was massively offended. And will except to be here for much of that time.

'If there are any dramas of her making dp I expect you to sort them out directly without involving me. Given that I will be the one bleeding from my vagina, milk flowing from my nipples, sleep deprived, possibly unable to sit down due to stitches, i will be expecting YOU to do everything in your power to make my life as comfortable as possible both physically and emotionally for the first few months. Gottit?'

OP are you me??? I have awful social anxiety and I am already so stressed about people inviting themselves over to meet the baby. Hopefully due before March.

I am struggling with the thought of mum visiting, so I cant imagine MIL.

We are having no visits for the first 2 weeks that is for sure.

After that I will decide but she tends to invite herself over quite a bit (dont think she has ever waited for us to invite)

So I feel your pain and your anxiety.

Tough if it creates drama. This is your baby.

I find it rude that they bought the tickets already and so soon.

I know some people say you will want the help but I suffer from depression and anxiety and I can tell you that nope, I dont want it because for me is no help but stress and worry.

She's seeing your newborn when he/she arrives (is offended she can't stay in your house?!) and your dp is harping on about the next visit already? Before the baby is even here/first visit is over?!
Have you tried telling him you've got other things to worry about and your in laws can see the baby when baby arrives and it doesn't make you a bad person to want your house to yourself (especially after having delivered a miniature human?!)
I don't understand, who in their right mind invites themselves/expects invites to someone's house especially if that someone has just had a baby.

She made it v clear she was massively offended. And will except to be here for much of that time.

She can be as offended as she likes. You don't have to do anything about it.

And in the immortal words of Bernard Black, she can expect away!

Bluebell, very possibly the same person, that's exactly how I feel.

It doesn't sound as though DP is going to be any help to you here OP, could you tackle MIL head on yourself when she visits? Either try explaining to her how you feel in the hope of getting her onside or simply respond to any mention of a visit after you've given birth with 'don't be silly MIL, I'll be in no fit state for house guests when I've just had a baby!'

Maybe you could point out that DP will be no help with preparing their room etc and you won't be up to it and if she responds by saying she will do it herself say 'oh no MIL I couldn't let you do that, I'd be mortified!' I just think it cuts out the middle man and removes the chance for DP to not be as forceful as necessary in defending your wishes. It also lessens the opportunity for MIL to make you out to be unreasonable to DP during discussions if you front it out yourself.

Don't be afraid to point out that the distance complicates things, that your family can just pop in for half an hour and go again whereas it's not so simple when they have to travel so far. Sweeten it with 'we'd love you to come once we're settled and I've sorted feeding etc, I just don't think I'll be up to it straightaway'. You need to be firm but appear reasonable at all times, most people find it difficult to argue if you just state what you're willing to accept and refuse to be drawn into argument about it. If she does try to argue you need to be adamant that she is the one being unreasonable 'surely you don't think I'll be up to house guests immediately after giving birth MIL?!!! I can't think of anyone who would think that was a good idea!' Good luck OP, she sounds the type you need to lay down the law with while smiling sweetly and remaining calm at all times.

I realise that some people do actually want &/or need help after giving birth.

The thought of another adult to consider filled me with terror.

I can't imagine even my own mum being unobtrusive & just getting stuff done rather than want to have a natter/cuddle with baby/get out & about to show baby off!

When I realised that she was hoping to move in & help when I had my second-22months after PFB, I cried

Just a thought-did her MIL move in & help her out?

Just on this post:
He thinks I'm being unreasonable by having a problem with it... he's happy to have guests, happy for his mum to help as less for him to do, he thinks my anxiety is the problem and I signed up to this when I got together with him knowing his family were hundreds of miles away his view is that I need to suck it up and he doesn't want to push his family away.

Does he not get that by trying to appease his mother, he will be potentially pushing away his new family - i.e. you and your new baby??? This is alright to do in his head, is it???

Of course he doesn't see anything wrong with his mother coming in and being mother again. He is used to it. It is not her place to come into your (i.e. his and your) house and change sheets etc. That would be something he should be sorting out.

I do wish you all the best in getting this sorted in the best possible way for you and hope you are able to relax as much as you can in the next few weeks and be able to enjoy the early days of your newborn too.

I'd say get it set in stone before the birth.
My mil was bloody ridiculous after I'd had dd.
Manipulating, sneaky, cruel and selfish. She totally disregarded what we had asked for and I was too bloody sure and vulnerable to stand up for myself so it left dh having to be really assertive to his mother which was a new experience for him and totally ruined our first night back.
We were very clear that we didn't want them staying the night I came home after my section but they came on the pretence of "visiting" and just pushed the boundaries as time went by.
"Oh it's late now we may as well stay"
"But we are hungry and need food, shall we go to the chip shop"
Slippers on, all ready to settle down.
She even lied to the discharging midwife who suggested (as I sobbed) that we might like to go back to a quiet empty house.
6 years in I still can't believe how horribly she behaved.

Get your rules in place now.

diddl how I long to ask my mil that question.

Diddl I've no idea... would just get the 'bit it's different because you're so far away the baby won't even know me' wail

My DGM used to come and take over. That was in the days of weekly twin-tub laundry, meals from scratch and muddy vegetables etc and my father was not allowed any time off from work (even though DSiblings were home births). There was a home help, but she would only dust the mothers bedroom and wash baby clothes . My mother resented every minute of it.

These days, there are dishwashers, automatic washing machines and ready meals etc. You do not need to do as much heavy housework just to stand still. It no longer deteriorates around you over a couple of days. .

Tell her she will be needed more in a couple of weeks when the novelty has worn off for the older DC1 and you need help to be doing more things or getting out. And you will be desperate for some home-cooked food .

Tell your DP that he will need this time to bond. He has not done it before and it will be his only chance. He does not need lots of people around telling him how to do it. He will need to do lots of cuddling when he gets the chance.

My DMIL was a doer. She took over everything, but asked and tried to do it how I wanted. We had a coffee break with a kit-kat every morning and meals on the dot. She loved ironing baby clothes (we had twin girls so that kept her busy) and we had the neatest muslins ever. She even ironed DH's knickers. Kept her happy . God, do I wish I'd ever had half her energy.

I'm on a roll now but I think what happened contributed to my pnd. I never had that before with the other 4.
I will never forget trying to have a poo in the downstairs loo (not easy) while fil mooches about outside trying the door