Women who "have it all"

[GetAGlance]

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

If you think that's an attack then you really are not in the right frame of mind to be asking strangers for their thoughts.

Hope you find some peace.

I wasn't asking for insight maye, help not attacks, esp when tearful. Whats your story Trills, to be taking sides so?

I was in the right frame to ask, maybe not the angry responses ... which were strange at best, malevolent at worse.

That was an interesting discussion. I don't know what happened.

I have what you describe op
I grew up poor but with a great dad who helped give me a healthy sense of self worth
That isn't to say I didn't waste time with bad boys...i did, but I knew it wasn't "real" iyswim?
My dh is very like my late dad personality wise
It takes work - any marriage does - but fundamentally he is a good dad and a decent man
That stuff is important - just not when you are 19...

Yes, mycavitiesareempty - really good post. Completely agree. I was lucky to be able to afford counselling that helped me stop dating men like my dysfunctional dad and have the confidence to choose someone nice. Without the money, my life would have been entirely different.

Anyway, GetaGlance. The truth is I'm one of those women and you know what I look at people like you and I think God I'm happy but sometimes I feel BORING. So there you go. Grass greener etc.

I agree with PP that it's all about perspective.

From the outside - I have a lovely DH, he is kind, supportive, loyal, loving. We have a nice life, enough money for holidays, we go on days out / out for dinner regularly. I get on well with my family.
From the inside - we are struggling with ttc, have spent our 20s in several crap jobs paying off debt, having no time together. Me and DM had an awful relationship until I changed the dynamic of it.

Also, I walk around and see the women you describe and feel guilty. I didn't choose DH knowing he would be all the wonderful things he is. We were young, we fancied each other, we became a couple and I fell in love with him. He tended to be a little overly confident and obnoxious then but I'm lucky he became the person he is now - no conscious decision making on my part.

It'a not always what it seems but also I think luck has a lot to do with it. I was lucky to meet a lovely man quite young, both wanted the same things. We got married, had children easily and have a nice hard me,etc, but although I look like I'm holding it all together to the outside, I have suffered very badly with depression that has really challenged our relationship and the life we have created.
You have to just focus on your own life. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
Some people are lucky enough to be happy, but that's what you make it. We're happy now but we have to work at it to keep it that way.

*nice home etc

Also think I should add, I think my upbringing helped in a way.
The men in my family are all quite similar to DH - I guess I just expected men to be good, caring and reliable.
Also, my DM is a very assertive woman, and it was drummed into me that I was equal to a man and deserved to be treated in a way that reflected my worth.
Didn't stop me falling head over heels for an awful, abusive arse the first time but he didn't stay around for long.

I only broke the cycle of abusive relationships after a lot of counselling and work on myself. Now I have a wonderful man. I think upbringing has a massive impact on how sorted you are but that doesn't mean those of us from shitty backgrounds can't get there, it just might take a bit more time and effort.

That said, I know a few "sorted" women who I really don't like, you know bossy, self-satisfied, etc. But I am willing to admit there may also be an element of jealousy or just-not-understanding-cards-that-were-dealt...

What you see as bossy and self-satisfied may be the manifestation of not taking shit, prioritising their own needs and demanding equality that is the very thing that has got them to the point of an equal, long-term, happy relationship. I'm not saying that you should like them any more, but I do find the word 'bossy' a red flag - it isn't used about men and IME it means a woman who's taking charge of her own destiny. Men (and some other women) don't like this. But I do think it is a good thing in terms of personal fulfilment.

I haven't seen any angry responses, people are just offering their perspective. It might not be the same perspective as yours, but that doesn't make it any less valid.
Anyway... I'm one of those women that you would think 'has it all'. My DH is lovely, does everything he can for me and the DC. He earns a very decent amount of money, I'm currently a SAHM to two very young children but will hopefully be getting back to my career this year, fully supported by him.
Yeah, a lot of it was 'luck'. I'm lucky that I met him. My first relationship (only had 2 proper long term relationships) wasn't awful but certainly wasn't great. I met DH, we clicked, we want the same things out of life, we married.
Of course, it could still all go to shit.

I don't think I understand the OP. How do you know all the women you see have financially responsible, emotionally caring partners?

I also thought the OP was being 'off' with Moomin for no obvious reason. And then being incredibly defensive about it. Very strange!

Why does having it all involve having the perfect man? That's it really.

There's no point looking at other people's lives and thinking,

May be you are looking at these families and think I want that now, I just didn't realise that I did.

It's not too late for you to find that happy ever after, just go for it. It's achievable despite your circumstances. It's ok not to want orove the norm as long as you are true to yourself. Many people follow convention and often feel trapped.

All those women who wanted bad boys. All those women who sneered cos I made the boring choice. All those women who wanted men who earned more. Good luck. Just don't come complaining now.

My boys. My quiet, sweet, uncool son who can't get a girlfriend. My loud, funny, cool son with girls queing up. I know which one is the better marriage material. Women make choices then complain because it is not what they think it should be.

I often feel the same way OP. It almost seems as if they come from another planet which in a sense I guess they do. So many people grew up in functional, stable families without intergenerational problems of mental health, financial irresponsibility, or abuse.
It heartens me that most people have that basic security, but it also leaves me a sense of never fitting in and as you say 'being the black sheep.'

What Stumbly Mumbly said. My dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who cheated on my mum and said vile things to us.
She kicked him out.
Best role model ever. I went through teens being very needy and looking for approval from men.
Dated loads and was single for years.

Got with a guy who was my friend foremost and kind and loving so married him. He had very stable childhood with parents who are still together.

Obviously he could cheat on me or do something awful and then I would leave him.
I owe it to my child to show them that is what happens if someone doesn't deserve you and treat you like shit.

So for now, I seem to 'have it all' and we are very happy.
Obviously no one is perfect but I feel very lucky with my lot. But have s always been?no, I've have some crap times.
And maybe in the future I'll have some more,
But for now I count myself very lucky.

I think it's a combination of luck and judgement.

I know women like those on this thread, who married a "good" man on paper and then were royally screwed over. That's bad luck.

I also know women who married "bad boys" who showed their true colours pretty much from the beginning, lying, drinking, maybe not cheating at that point but a bit too much flirting. Which is bad judgement.

And then there are all the cases in between those two scenarios, as life is not that black and white for all of us.

I get annoyed when people tell me how "lucky" I am to have bought my own house. Because I saved bloody hard for years! In reality though it's not quite as simple as that; I have to remind myself I was lucky to be in a position to save money in the first place. For a whole variety of reasons. And that, combined with the good judgement to save from a youngish age, got me to the position I am in now. I guess I see having a good marriage/relationship as a similar sort of "achievement".

I have it all under the OPs definition and it was mostly luck rather than good judgement.

I was so into the bad boy type and due to a bit of a mix up I got it into my head DP fitted the bill.
We were also both doing bottom rung jobs in a not especially high flying career.
Turns out DP is in no way a bad boy but is the kindest, most loving, committed and equal partner you could meet. Also turns out we're both very good at our jobs and have got towards the top.
We're also a bit careful with cash and not bothered about stuff so much. Which means we've ended up doing well financially. But fluke not wisdom and no smuggery here! More bafflement than anything.

Also to say that its simply a matter of choice is simplistic. Our families of origin are powerful role models and it takes an awful lot of work, experience and luck to break the cycle.
It sounds a lot like the argument that people are poor because they are lazy/feckless/stupid which is not true in most cases. Its easier to start to make money once you have some.
Of course we all know the person who did make the right choices despite horrible FOO and experiences, but they are exceptional. Most often abuse of all kinds recurs across generations, just as debt does!

My boys. My quiet, sweet, uncool son who can't get a girlfriend. My loud, funny, cool son with girls queing up. I know which one is the better marriage material. Women make choices then complain because it is not what they think it should be

What an awful thing to say about your own child. 'Cool' guys can't make decent husbands? Surely if your boys were brought up by the same parents their values should be very similar?

Have to kind of side with Moomin, not that there are sides.

I was the quiet man, the stay at home type. Never enjoyed shagging around, going on the pull. Couldn't give a holy damn about football, fishing etc.
The whole 'treat em mean, keep em keen' bullshit never rang true.

Was I popular with the ladies? Was I fuck.
In fact, I was passed over and dismissed by women who went off with my polar opposites. They then moaned at me about their OHs cheating, drinking all day, obsessing about football, dissapearing for weekends fishing. Eventually you just have to put your hands up and say,
"Your bed, you lie in it"

Now I'm with a woman who appreciates me, I take care of the house and the menu. I live to support her in her chosen career. She feels loved and cared for and o cause her no heart ache, no drama and no worries.

So, speaking personally, I think judgement plays a massive role in the early relationship, luck comes into it later I think. Now I miust away, gf will be home soon and her supper needs cooking, her slippers fluffing, onesie warming and a cuppa making.

OP, I say this in the nicest possible way and not intended as an attack in anyway. The way you have responded to some people does indicate that you are really quite unhappy with your lot and a bit jealous of others that seem to have what you want. The thing is looking at others and comparing yourself to them isn't going to make you any happier or get you any closer to happiness or fulfilment, it'll do the opposite in fact. The only people I know who truly 'have it all' in the way you describe are the people who gave up the ideas of what their lives should look like and instead focused on what they did look like and how to get to where they wanted to be without being distracted by others. Counselling can help with that if you're struggling to get there on your own but please stop with the analysing other people's lives and choices - at best it will make you more unhappy and at worst will alienate you from people as they will think you bitter.