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Original poster

Women who "have it all"

260 replies

GetAGlance · 05/02/2017 16:13

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

OP posts:
Kennington · 05/02/2017 17:34

I think beng secure and emotionally intelligent is really important.
Many of my friends made really good choices for partners.
Ruling out people who were obviously flakey makes a difference.
People who were on their 8th gap year and writing a book that never got finished or starting a dodgy business with no real plan - all these were off their radar.

Silverdream · 05/02/2017 17:35

It's down to what you're attracted too.
I like nice guys and have been with one for 25 years. He's my best friend and we are more or less equal in our relationship. He's not a mans man. He prefers going out as a couple rather than boys nights out.
Many women wouldn't have probably liked him as there was no chase and did what he said he was going to do. But that's what I liked.
But you can't make yourself like that type. I'm just lucky that I do.

Original poster
GetAGlance · 05/02/2017 17:37

lucky?

OP posts:
Original poster
GetAGlance · 05/02/2017 17:37

i mean i'm hoping for more insight here ...

OP posts:
ManaFleet · 05/02/2017 17:37

DJKK That's absolutely it, you're so right. Nothing to add.

ElspethFlashman · 05/02/2017 17:38

Im one of those women you describe.

I attribute it to having an unusually hands on Dad who was very good domestically and very affectionate and never did any name calling.

He spoke little but listened a lot. Always home by 7 and wasn't a drinker. A homebody. Respected women and liked clever ones. We got on great and I respected him.

I knew from my school friends that I was lucky cos some of their Dads were...... challenging.

I spent my twenties comparing most men to him. Any boorishness and I walked. If Dad could live life without being like that then why couldn't this other bloke? I remember one bloke implying I looked cheap with make up on. I mentally dumped him that second. Dad always said I looked very nice when done up, so clearly this bloke was just trying to put me back in my box.

So to cut a long story short I knew the blueprint for the way I wanted to be treated and I learnt that at home.

Notagain2017 · 05/02/2017 17:39

I have wracked my brains and can think of one friend who is 'sorted' as in happily married, two lovely children, paid off the mortgage, enjoys her work, no great dramas in her day to day life.

However I could never live her life. It would involve too much compromise and very defined gender roles in the marriage that I could never fulfil. Too traditional for me.

Cricrichan · 05/02/2017 17:42

Read some of the thread and it is complete luck and nothing to do with hard work etc if you have a wonderful man - get over yourselves!

There are some perfect relationships I'm sure, but most if not all have problems - just depends how tolerant you are and how much you want to compromise!

rosabug · 05/02/2017 17:45

I know exactly where you are coming from. I've also had a tricky early life and I've had all sorts of darkish difficulties. I'm kinda sorted now, but with scars, but I like my scars and I tend to like other people with edges as well. It's true what some posters say that it's not always what it seems, everyone has their troubles, but that is not the same as someone's character construction. I would absolutely struggle in your position and it can be de-stabilizing to feel out of kilter. I would suggest, be yourself, tell some of your stories and see who gravitates towards you. Also try and cultivate more offbeat friends somehow, so you don't start to lose your sense of identity amongst a group of people who are probably at some level setting the groups parameters.

Stitchosaurus · 05/02/2017 17:47

I think Elspeth has something there - my dad always told me I could do anything I wanted, to never hide my intelligence and to demand respect. Having that background made me very confident and not prepared to put up with shit from men.

I had a crappy boyfriend at uni who broke my heart but that's it. Met DH at 25 and knew he would make a great husband and father, and that was that!

GetAHaircutCarl · 05/02/2017 17:52

Whilst there is obviously an element of luck in meeting a decent man, finding him attractive and he you, that's a different scenario to entering into relationships with men who clearly will make poor partners.

Ginsodden · 05/02/2017 17:57

Some people are in happy, loving and stable relationships. I am, but I never talk about it as people don't want to hear it and I feel like I'm bragging. DH often says how he is careful telling others how happy we are when he just wants to talk about it! We have been together 20 years and he only brings me joy, he builds me up, he is my cheerleader, Bessie mate, co parent, lover and safe base. My only anxiety is the thought of ever losing him.
We both are lucky, we both have parents who are in loving respectful relationships and are still each other's worlds. It's like we knew how it should be done. Not at first, we both made mistakes early on, but we talked and knew that there was another way. I know people won't believe me, another reason I keep quiet. This is the first time I've ever really spoken about it to anyone other than DH. But you did ask....

Cricrichan · 05/02/2017 18:04

Nah. Know plenty of women who spent years with the quiet lovely guys you describe but in the end they left them for someone else etc. It is completely down to luck. You can plan all you like but it doesn't necessarily happen and if it does it isn't because you're more clever and have compromised more than other women, it's because you're lucky.

And men often change when you have children - happened to me twice! So start off being equal, loving etc but as soon as you have children everything changes. So unless you have a crystal ball and a good pinch of cynism , you may get burnt.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 18:05

I did OK despite my upbringing. In fact, I made fucking sure of it.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 05/02/2017 18:05

I hope no one will ever look at me and judge me to "have it all" just because I chose a husband who's got his shit together - there is so much more to me than my husband!

You're attracted to who you are attracted to, surely those who chose the safe, steady kind are attracted to those qualities?

I think you will drive yourself mad looking at what everyone else has - the grass will always be greener.

I've "got it all" as far as I am concerned - I love the bones of my husband and we want for nothing - not emotionally or physically or financially. There are a lot of green eyed monsters around here.

xmaspost · 05/02/2017 18:08

You can never be sure what is going on in other peoples lives.

You would hope that those people you observe are indeed very happy, content, etc. But that's often not the case. There are so many financial issues, work stress, health, family, ...etc... in modern life!

MyNameisNemesis · 05/02/2017 18:09

I have a lovely caring DH, and generally speaking happy, healthy children. Because of my work, I come across women in very difficult relationships, and I often go home to DH and say how grateful I am to be married to him. If I'm being facetious I tell him how clever I am that I made such a wise choice in marrying him.

The reality is that it is not really down to me. I have a father who has always supported me, told me how much he loved me and gone out of his way to look after me. I have parents who love each other very much and have always modelled a respectful and caring marriage. I had teachers and youth group leaders and older friends who took me seriously and encouraged me in whatever I was doing. When I met men who did not treat me well, I was already prepared to reject them, because of my parents and many other kind people who had put time and energy into me in various ways.

In the early days of going out with DH, I quickly realised that here was someone who was prepared to put his own comfort on the line if it would be good for me. The fact that I could recognise it as a good thing was not so much good judgement on my part as years of kindness and good modelling on the part of others.

This is not to say that I never found bad boys attractive growing up, but my early experiences taught me to look for other qualities as more important for building a lasting relationship. I did make mistakes in early relationships but coming from a secure base I spotted early on that they would not be kind or reliable. I don't want to take the credit for the family I was born into and the love and experiences they were able to give. So if I am 'sorted' - it's not something I can boast about.

Goandplay · 05/02/2017 18:11

I love the stories of wonderful fathers that made sure their daughters knew they were important and deserved a partner that supported them in life.

My dad maybe didn't do this for me. He made sure I knew how to support myself and any children I had financially.

Original poster
GetAGlance · 05/02/2017 18:11

GinSodden, what brings you to Mumsnet Relationships? I always thought it was people who were struggling (in some way) or looking for clarification. Its an open question you don't have to answer, I'm just kinda curious. But I really, I get you're not bragging. Maybe that you and OH have parents who are in loving respectful relationships has helped ...

I am also "thinking" people who have self-respect and know what they want. That said, I know a few "sorted" women who I really don't like, you know bossy, self-satisfied, etc. But I am willing to admit there may also be an element of jealousy or just-not-understanding-cards-that-were-dealt...

OP posts:
Ginsodden · 05/02/2017 18:18

OP like you I'm curious! I don't come here for answers for me, though maybe I will need to one day. I'm interested in the lives of others and I love seeing the support that pours out on here, makes me happy to be a human. And I don't really watch soaps , so.....

jimijack · 05/02/2017 18:18

It's nice that you consider these things as "having it all", a real complement actually.

I chose very carefully the person I married. I was pretty single minded but most of all we dedicated time to each other to realize we were right for each other.

Prior to this, admittedly, I have zero tolerance for anything I considered not good enough for me or my time & effort. They were gone, I was unashamedly fussy.

Shit happens though, life throws shit balls at you, we have been caked in the stuff, but we knew we could brush off those shit balls together, and we have.
We are lucky.

Lunar1 · 05/02/2017 18:19

I look like I'm sorted from the outside. Decent house, job, husband and two children. Scratch the surface and there was a truly shitty childhood, widowed in my early 20's, years of fertility treatment and all the rest.

Esoteric · 05/02/2017 18:22

Just be aware that many on here talking about affairs, dysfunctional DH, issues at work are middle class women from nice areas who seem to have it all, !! We come on here because it's one if the few places to vent!

StumblyMonkey · 05/02/2017 18:25

I would like to think I might look like the women you describe, I have a lovely DP who is kind and just bloody great but you wouldn't necessarily know:

  • My 'D'F was vile and gave me a few good ideas of what not to go for (so I have avoided any red flags related to addiction and physical abuse)
  • My 'D'Stepdad was challenging and gave me a good idea of other things to avoid (I have avoided selfish, grumpy, intolerant arseholes)
  • I dated A LOT and for the most part quite unsuccessfully which allowed me to hone my idea of a good partner quite well

So I did specifically choose a kind, thoughtful, loving, generous, feminist, tolerant gentleman. But it wasn't plain sailing getting there!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/02/2017 18:26

I don't think moomin's posts come across as angry at all and I'm not sure why you do OP.