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Original poster

Women who "have it all"

260 replies

GetAGlance · 05/02/2017 16:13

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

OP posts:
theclick · 05/02/2017 21:53

No one has it all. I know this, although given the amount of bragging on Facebook etc you wouldn't think that. It's a complete show - don't fall for it.

Anothermoomin · 05/02/2017 21:53

OK I'll own smug. Not nice but if that's what you see, I'll take it.

But you make decisions, you live with them. There may be reasons you made them, but you still made them. Don't look at other people who made different decisions and say they were 'lucky'.

corythatwas · 05/02/2017 21:57

Well, I'm quite happy to say I was lucky.

And so where you moomin, if one of those steady, loving, reliable men actually wanted to marry you. Because however wise your taste in men, you don't get to marry them just because you decide you want to. They have to agree too.

I know women with very good taste in men who have remained single into middle age because they just never found that combination of good choice who also happened to fancy them, and who have felt anything but sorted.

Anothermoomin · 05/02/2017 22:01

Really, luck?

We both worked hard at our relationship. Put effort in, discussed issues, cried together, worked through rows, made sacrifices - that doesn't feel like luck it feels like hard work that paid off.

Ginsodden · 05/02/2017 22:02

Iris your post reminded me of a quote I heard once - Love is as undemocratic as money, it accumulates around those who already have it in abundance.

Trills · 05/02/2017 22:02

Do you really think that all situations are made either of luck OR of hard work and no situation ever needs both?

Nellyphants · 05/02/2017 22:09

I married mr safe a bit nerdy. I knew him years. I didn't know he was (is) violent abuser. Breaking up with him was one of the best things I've ever done. It's still shaped my life.

There's a huge amount of luck involved

corythatwas · 05/02/2017 22:11

Anothermoomin Sun 05-Feb-17 22:01:22
"Really, luck?

We both worked hard at our relationship. Put effort in, discussed issues, cried together, worked through rows, made sacrifices - that doesn't feel like luck it feels like hard work that paid off."

And if nobody had wanted to marry you?

The fact that you were able to do those things is entirely due to the fact that you found a man who was willing to do it and willing to do it with you. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO EVERYBODY.

ssd · 05/02/2017 22:11

there's an awful lot of luck involved in life and anyone who doesn't admit it is kidding themselves

jobanana · 05/02/2017 22:13

I think moomin was lucky that they fancied each other.

And that he turned out to be as nice as he seemed.

A lot of people put a lot of hard work into relationships that don't work out, too, so it's also great if that pays off rather than being wasted.

Nobody's saying, I think, they begrudge someone making what they hoped was a good decision and it worked out - it's great that it did. But the OP was feeling basically like a loser around women who had been lucky in the sense that their choice worked out.

Personally I've generally found that where someone 'has it all', they lack something else. They lack a certain humility. I rather like that humility. Often people who are very feeling find themselves going along with things that end up being 'bad' choices - but they are nice people.

I think the OP should think about all the good things she's done, the cool things, who her friends are, what makes her unique. How cool her kids are. Focus on the amazing treasures you surely have. You can still shape your life to be more as you'd like it. There's time. But build on what you've already got. I bet there's a lot of good there. Husbands aren't everything.

Anothermoomin · 05/02/2017 22:14

I think I'm going to bow out. I really don't think luck exists in terms of relationships, I think it is down to hard work and hard decisions.

However, I know lots of people will be able to tell terrible stories where 'no one is to blame'. People want to blame someone or something so they blame luck. I think we would all be better if people were able to take responsibility for the good and bad decisions they make and not blame 'luck'.

If it is easier to think I am just a smug, selfish person with no life experience or empathy please go ahead.

jobanana · 05/02/2017 22:15

No, but luck does exist in terms of who you meet and when.

PoorYorick · 05/02/2017 22:16

My quiet, sweet, uncool son who can't get a girlfriend. My loud, funny, cool son with girls queing up. I know which one is the better marriage material.

No you don't. People change dramatically in relatively short spaces of time. If your sons are in their teens or not long out of them, oh man you really don't know who they'll be in their 30s. You likely don't know them as well as you think you do now.

KERALA1 · 05/02/2017 22:19

Not sure it is luck. I think young women need to be quite hard headed about the men they build lives with. I dumped a man I thought I loved because he was too unstable so not good father material. I refused dates from Australians because I knew I didn't want to live there or live with some resentful because they were stuck in England because of me. Who will be your life partner / father of your children is one of the biggest decisions you will. Make and the women you describe op were smart about it.

corythatwas · 05/02/2017 22:19

Anothermoomin Sun 05-Feb-17 22:14:10
"I think I'm going to bow out. I really don't think luck exists in terms of relationships, I think it is down to hard work and hard decisions."

So what hard work and hard decisions do you think should be put in by the women I was talking of, the ones who would really love to marry a steady, reliable if un-glamorous man and work hard on the relationship, but simply haven't been able to induce one to come to the altar? Should they drug one and bring him along in hand-cuffs?

And what about the ones like Nellyphants who married a seemingly safe choice, who only later morphed into an abuser. What hard work should she have put in?

Of course a normal happy relationship with a nice man requires a certain amount of work. But to start with, you need that nice man. And not everybody can find one.

corythatwas · 05/02/2017 22:22

Sorry, the last post came across as if I believed that the only route to a happy life was finding yourself a man. I really, really do not. But it is, if you are a woman, a pretty basic prerequisite for a heterosexual relationship.

DoctorBeat · 05/02/2017 22:26

I am a doctor, so reasonably sorted, but started my degree at 26 having lived a fairly colourful lifestyle and had my dd between years 2-3 of med school and then subsequently separated from her father. I had a fairly "normal" upbringing, yet my brother was a heroin addict and died by suicide in September. I have always felt an oustsider despite my best efforts, yet have since met dp who is french and drinks and sm

KERALA1 · 05/02/2017 22:30

It's human relationships we are talking about so obviously no absolutes and every situation is different not being able to find a partner is a different situation. But I think it's fair to say it's not ALL luck if you are in the position to choose a life partner - I happened to be in a place with lots of men when single in my mid twenties and wasn't unattractive so chose one I loved and clicked with but who was also sane, kind and solvent. Even if I had clicked with him but he was lacking any of those qualities I wouldn't have married him for practical reasons.

DoctorBeat · 05/02/2017 22:30

Oops! Smokes far more than me, but is far more interesting. And has made me look boring by comparison. Fact is, you have probably had far more fun than these surburban wives. I feel insecure regularly, but than I am asked about various jobs I have had (used to be a jazz/west end si get before) then realise I just am different in a good way.

KERALA1 · 05/02/2017 22:33

I also slightly bristle with the "bad boy interesting /nice man dull" thing expressed by anyone over the age of 14. It is possible to be a decent kind reliable good husband as well as interesting and fun. Dh and most of my friends dhs are.

derxa · 05/02/2017 22:43

At first this was a nice thread and now it's not. Why?

HappyAxolotl · 05/02/2017 22:54

How can meeting your Mr Right not have a huge dollop of good luck behind it?

A) You both have to be in the same place at the same time (or the same app or website) and speak to each other.

B) He has to be at least a little bit interested in you and a little bit physically attracted to you. And you to him.

C) He has to be ready for a serious relationship right there and then. So do you.

D) He has to share your views on important life goals. Suppose he's looking for a childfree relationship and you aren't? Suppose he's from a country you'd never consider visiting yet he wants to marry and raise a family in his home country?

E) Assuming A-D all slot seamlessly into place, he then has to never turn violent, be unfaithful, become addicted...

Can someone please tell me how any one of us can control any of those factors? Yes, not dating blokes who have shown us they are knobends is a brilliant plan. Not just because they are knobends that are no good for us but because they are blocking up space in our heads, hearts and lives that we should be keeping free for the lovely fella deserves it.

But when lovely fella just doesn't show up? Despite our best efforts to date widely, to keep our eyes open, to lose the idiots at the first sign of idiocy - and still be waking up alone, going to sleep alone, in our late thirties? What then?

If anyone knows how I can make Mr All-Points-A-E-Ticked-Off materialise in front of me, that's the day I'll accept it isn't just luck and there's a skill to it.

Trills · 05/02/2017 22:54

At first this was a nice thread and now it's not. Why?

Because the OP decided that the 4th reply was "angry" and when people said "I don't think that sounded angry" started saying that people were attacking her?

Trills · 05/02/2017 22:56

And because some people are very attached to the idea that no part of their successful happy life is down to luck.

If they accepted that some of it was luck, they would have to believe that their luck could change.

And that's too scary to allow.

jobanana · 05/02/2017 23:06

I think they're genuinely unaware they've been lucky, and think people who have been unlucky are whingers and whiners who could have changed their lives if they'd done things differently (ie, more like the 'sensible' ones).

It's a world view held by those who have been lucky ; )

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