Women who "have it all"

[GetAGlance]

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

I'm another one who thinks it pretty much boils down to luck.

In the most base sense - i.e. it is 100% luck as to whether or not the stork delivers you to a decent, loving family.

This is what determines your blueprint for life, your model of healthy relationships, your self-esteem and belief in yourself. Your willingness to uphold your own boundaries.

In fact, if you come from a nurtured background, you probably don't even realise you're putting boundaries in place half the time, it's so innate and ingrained in you.

I always thought my upbringing was the norm, and that life was there for the taking. Age and experience has copped me on a fair bit.

And for the record, it's not only 'quiet, nerdy, geeky, beta men' who make decent men! Not by a long shot.

What do you mean Dowager why have 'age and experience' meant you change your belief of life for the taking ? Care to share why or what happened?

As someone with a borderline mother who caused me and siblings to have zero boundaries as had to always prioritise her, when did you start putting boundaries in etc and has it worked and made you happier? Started on this road myself a while ago.

Your post stuck a chord with me

Why would quiet nerdy geeky men be beta males???

Some of these guys write trading algorithms that make them multi multimillionaires before they are 28.

But then the whole alpha/beta thing is a crock of shit which is wholly relative.

I think luck or chance is a factor. Presumably everyone thinks they made a good choice of life partner but several years down the line half discover they were wrong!
When I was young, I used to wonder what special insight other people had that they were sure enough to make the decision to get married whereas I never had been. It took years to realise they had no special insight into the future and perhaps married for more pragmatic reasons...
I also think its luck to be in the right place at the right time to actually meet a lovely man. Its taken me decades...

I regard myself as reasonably sensible: had relationships that came and went & was never going to marry a 'bad boy' but my personal life just never fell into place.... So I spent many years alone with all the self doubt that that engenders with regard to relationships... Had a few heartbreaks when I returned to dating in midlife :( And too many one-date-wonders...Then suddenly, randomly I met my partner a year ago & discover that I'm quite good at this relationship lark - who knew? :)

So I very much identify with Cory saying what about women who never got a reciprocal reaction even if they'd identified someone good. And I wonder at alternativemoomin's bitterness towards those women from so long ago - how has good fortune not persuaded you to let that go?

And as for good judgement in other areas of life? That is usually the icing on the cake of having had various advantages in life. A few examples on here do not persuade me that life is a level playing field. Look at the stats on social mobility.

echt

I think alpha/beta division is wrong basically and might be giving the wrong impression or understanding. I think best way to understand this is to see how "human" and loving a man or a woman is. This standard will probably work for everyone, man or woman.

Sorry - I don't think nerdy, geeky men = beta male. I was simply lumping in several of the descriptors people have used upthread, in together. I didn't mean to imply they all mean the same thing - at all!

I don't necessarily believe in 'alpha', 'beta' males either - I was just taking umbrage that only so-called beta men - or quiet geeky men - are nice men. That's rubbish.

Prosecco - what I was trying to say was that thanks to my upbringing, I've always had solid boundaries in place. So solid, that I didn't even realise they were there, IYSWIM.

By 'age and experience' - I just mean that I thought a happy, nurturing childhood and upbringing was the norm, that abuse, neglect, etc, only happened to a tiny minority.

I thought everyone could make 'good choices' and do well, and end up with a nice man.

Age and experience has opened my eyes, made me see that the upbringing I had is probably not normal. Or, at the very least, just as normal as a neglectful or abusive childhood. That these experiences, sadly, aren't a minority.

The older I get, the more I'm able to see that many people don't have the advantages that others take for granted. That being 'sorted' is a privilege that many don't even realise they have, thanks to all that's gone before to them, and the 'luck of the draw' as to their family, upbringing and background.

I mean, if everyone was able to make good, healthy, sensible choices - wouldn't they?

I think a lot of the sorted people you describe don't see themselves like that- a lot of its down to personality, in that some people are never happy with what they have whatever that may be. Whereas others, despite having "less" are happier because they can appreciate it.

I guess I'm 'sorted' now, married to an outstanding man after an abusive previous marriage. But I still have to remind myself not to take it all for granted and as time goes on, that's not as easy as it sounds.