Women who "have it all"

[GetAGlance]

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

I'm not sure I agree with the smug comment.

Many of us are very aware that things are out of our control: especially health. I value health highly. It can be taken away in a flash.
If you are so ill you slip in and out of consciousness, then no amount of money, love, nor anything else can save you then!

Or many pp mentioned that some posters seemed to that we think we are in control when actually we aren't. I'm well aware, as I'm sure many are, that we aren't : you can feel powerless and feel like you have no control over a situation. I know that feeling. I was actually powerless to do anything about a situation because I had no power. Other people were controlling events. So nope! I'm well aware of that too.

This thread has made me be more grateful, and it's a very interesting issue.

I used to appear to have it all. And I thought I'd chosen wisely - he was gentle, kind & supportive. Bit crap with housework but he seemed really solid, honest & reliable.

14 years in, he has an affair. Turns on me, blames me. Four years after we've split, he has become emotionally abusive - he's controlling & manipulative & nothing is EVER his fault.

No-one saw it coming. He went from a total family man to shagging someone considerably younger than me.

He hides this side well. Some see through him, and I'm sure his family don't know the half of it & think he's this great, kind, poor man.

The biggest thing that hit me about all of this? My head was fucked - I could not get my head around who he'd become, who he is. Even now, I still struggle on occasion. I consider myself a good judge of character & I did not see this coming. It was like being hit by a train.

You never know what someone's capable of. You can never predict what they will do or stop a set of circumstances that sets them on a path to an affair, or just somehow turning into someone you do not recognise.

I have come to terms with that - but I am way more cautious in relationships now. I'm at peace with knowing the future can throw you curveballs.

It isn't just good choices - not by a long shot. It's more luck than anything. Yes, choose the financially responsible man, the respectful man......you can chose that over an out & out bellend. But don't ever be smug about it, or think that other people made bad choices - life is not that simple. And I hope none of you who think it's down to choice, are ever hit by what I was....I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

You can't control health totally, but you can influence it. You can't control others but you can control your reactions to them. You can make decisions about your own behaviour.

Why is being married considered 'sorted'?

Indeed Sunbeam it's all in your head. If you don't have a partner why are you unlucky and sad? Choose to be happy.

I agree; have the courage to live the life that's right for you, not one that ticks someone else's boxes.

We all make mistakes but we have a choice about how we respond to our mistakes

I don't think there's much to disagree on there. What there is to disagree on is whether people are victims or beneficiaries of things that are beyond our control. This is the 'bad luck' and 'good luck' many of us acknowledge.

Anothermoomin do you deny the possibility that despite our best endevours, we are still open to the effects of uncontrollable factors.

Hmm. I had a wonderful childhood with loving parents who were and are a brilliant example.

What did that mean to me? That I had no self defense system and I wasn't wary or cynical. I'd been sheltered, only been around a loving family who doted on each other. I believed that everyone was open and honest and with no mental health issues etc. I'm currently with an ea controlling man with a narcissistic mum. NOW I would be able to spot them a mile off , but 10-20 years ago? Nope. I want experienced and looked at everything through my rose tinted sheltered glasses.

No one night stands, bad boys etc here. Long term 'loving' relationships etc. No guarantees.

People might have once thought I had it all.

Husband who earned plenty of money, nice house, nice holidays, and pets.

But no one knew and most couldn't even guess that he was abusive and controlling.

I left and have been building myself back up and I feel like I have it all now more so than ever and back then I felt I had nothing.
Because now I have what is important.
A caring and loving partner

We all make mistakes but we have a choice about how we respond to our mistakes

How far do we want to take this? Research into the brain shows we're actually more likely to repeat mistakes than learn from them because of the way the brain works (it searches for familiarity - over simplification, but in a nutshell). There is also research to show that this sort of behaviour, along with things like being able to delay gratification can be ingrained on an epigenetic level - IOW if your parents were badly affected by poverty, the hardwiring of your brain is already predisposed to make 'less good' decisions (in today's society) before you even start.

Does that mean people deserve their misfortune? Or does it mean that we as a society should make a greater effort to intervene in less-than-optimal family situations to prevent families repeating cycles of abuse?

Because what I'm reading on here from some is a 'more fool them' reaction rather than a 'let's show abusers this isn't acceptable and victims that there's a better way.'

I've read the first five pages but only skimmed the rest, but OP, isn't another way of looking at your life that it's been interesting and varied and now you're suddenly living in a rather dull suburb and meeting financially stable women who are married to men who aren't obviously awful...? I mean, so what? Do you actually want that?

"OP this was me. Like the other posters I had what seemed a great life. I married a man who was loving and kind and supportive. People would tell me I was lucky. 16 years later he had an affair and left. Not the first one. He was emotional abusive in the end and totally broke me.
I would never ever have thought the man I thought I married was like that!"

I can identify with that.

Crumbs1 and moomin, sorry if I implied that posters like you had had it easy and thanks for the background. I don't know it just seemed that people could be a little kinder to those who have not got to where they might want to be in life rather than saying they've brought it on themselves by making bad choices. If you have it good - enjoy it and it definitely sounds like you both deserve it. But it's nicer to do so humbly.

I was a bit like Cricri: not regarding men, just people generally, mostly women : loving family, so not wary enough and not cynical enough to realise that not all people were as open and upfront as I imagined. I felt like a right twat when I realised how naive I had been.

Really interesting thread. Regarding growing up in poverty, I'd love to know what it is or why it is that some kids manage to escape/ break the cycle when most don't. Statistically, being brought up in poverty, chaotic lifestyle, addiction, unemployment etc is a big determinant of those things affecting your own life. So what is different about the kids who, like Crumbs, just decide "This is not for me", and go off and achieve success?

This is a very interesting question. We grew up in poverty and all three of us have mental health issues. Of the three of us I'm the only one who managed to get an education and a decent career. It has not been easy.

In my opinion it's a mixture of the start you have, the things that happen to you and the way you react to those things. Someone extremely wealthy it's well connected parents is going to have an easier ride of it than someone who doesn't. Someone who experiences severe illness or injury is going to have a harder time of it. You can't deny that some really shitty things happen to good people.

All other things being equal, I think there's a lot to be said for sheer bloody mindedness. My siblings frustrate me sometimes because they have a victim mentality- they often don't think they can change a situation when they actually can. I've worked really hard, and scraped and taken huge risks. And I've been lucky that those risks have (generally) worked out. And I've been lucky to be born in a century and country where I'm not chattel.

It's complex, and it's a mixture of where you start, what happens on the way and how you deal with it. The only one of those things you have any control over is the latter.

Anothermoomin Mon 06-Feb-17 20:14:04

"It is interesting how posters assume my life has been full of unicorns and rose petals."

They probably don't, they just take hard work for granted and still think they are bloody lucky if they have come through. Life is full of suffering and hard work, that's what life does. Doesn't mean it works out for everyone.

Plenty of people struggle just as hard and still die from that cancer, or are murdered by their seemingly nice boyfriend as a punishment for leaving, or find themselves unable to hold down a job due to MH issues, or come home and find their child dead from a suicide attempt.

Sensible people know that. They don't need rose petals to realise they are the lucky ones.

But my above post doesn't mean I don't think attitude makes a difference. Of course it does. A helpless attitude can scupper situations that might have been remediable.

My granddad grew up in poverty and pushed himself through teaching college through sheer determination; running to class in winter because he could not afford an overcoat. So, on the other side of the family, did my father. But they both had luck on their side, in the sense of healthy bodies which allowed them to sit up and study late at night on very little food without any ill effects. They wouldn't have got where they did without hard work. And they would not have got where they did without luck. Two parts which both had to be present.

I often think dd would not have got through the long years of chronic illness and MH issues if it had not been for my hard work, pushing for a diagnosis, pushing for treatment, carrying her on my back when needed, supporting her every day, never giving up, dealing with even the most bizarre manifestations of anxiety and joint disorder. I sometimes think there are parents out there who could not have coped at all. But if one of those suicide attempts had succeeded, I would still have put in the same hard work... Luck and hard work- they both had to be there.

(and that's before we even get to dd's hard work...)

Ultimately no one knows what goes on in other people's relationships. No one has it all. I have a great dh who loves me helps around the house, fantastic kids, beautiful house, career. But I still have moments when I think I want to get off the ride. I want to be a drifter doing my own thing. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep looking over my shoulder...could I lose all this...what if. Even the women who say they married a quiet dependable man, they will have their own hang ups we all do. And relationships evolve and change over time, they don't always stay perfect. I always have to stay mindful to be grateful for what I have and live in the moment.

Some really interesting posts on here - everything cory, jobanana and cricrichan said has resonated with me.

Of course luck and good choices both play a role. A number of posts have shown how bad luck can mean seemingly good choices don't work out. In my more optimistic moods, I think that the worst choice of my life (having a child with Mr Wrong) still led to a good outcome - I have a nice life with a fab dd. It's not without its costs, but I wouldn't go back and undo it. We can't fully foresee the outcomes of our actions.

And OP, there's a lot to be said for a rackety youth and an interesting life. We're all heading for the grave, so all any of us can do is hoover up as much experience as we can along the way. You've got to fling yourself at a few difficult challenges to fully live.

That's right Biblio. There's no-one there on the day we die to give a prize for having lived a sorted, successful life.

I had it all. A good man, funny, intelligent, hard working and good earner. Top cook, great dad, creative and adventurous, planned the money and made us secure.
I had ( and have) my own career.

Our mutual niggles weren't a big deal.

I don't know how it looked from the outside, but I knew I'd lucked in, though to be fair, I can't abide a wastrel.

He died suddenly last year. It's not grief that makes me idealise him. He was that good.

I am so sorry, Echt

Ah echt I'm so sorry :(

Sorry for your loss Echt

I've experienced both sides of this coin and I would now say that I am one of those women who has it all.

My ex was a waste of space, sat on his arse all day watching porn while I worked 2 jobs to pay all the bills and mortgage. Once out of this relationship, I set my stall higher.

My DP is the most loving, kind and loyal human I have met. He is the best father for our DD, sleeps on her bedroom floor if she gets upset in the night, takes time off work to have daddy daughter days out, provides us with financial stability and looks after us beyond what I could have hoped for.

I count my lucky stars every single day, without fail, and still get butterflies when I think about him, when he texts me, calls me or face times me, he just makes me smile from the inside out.