DH fancies one of my friends.

[Delatron]

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

I wouldn't give a shit about him being pulled up on his own behaviour

Well from what you say, he's not quite aware of his change of behaviour himself is he? And if you tell him - he'd probably be embarrassed. And it will make him more self conscious in her company - and he will be likely to notice what he's like and stop. He's obviously not doing it to hurt you - but I totally understand that it's not nice.
So I'd say - just mention it as if it doesn't hurt you - like - it's funny - 'do you fancy her or something - because ...And he will deny it of course and think 'shit - what an idiot I must look, I better stop that'
And then you can deal with the more open ended question - is it unrealistic to expect DPs not to find other people attractive? what behaviours are not OK? etc etc

Option C. Avoid her.
He doesn't like her husband, but certainly likes her.

Yep. Definitely avoid.

I take it that you are part of arranging these get togethers and not him?

I once got called out by my H on flirty behaviour with my work colleague. We were talking animatedly and having all the lols. I was enraged and defensive and put it all back on him ruining my fun. But inside I knew he was right and I never did it again.

In latter years, I called H out on the same behaviour. He had the same response. But he didn't stop the behaviour. He just hid it. We are separated now.

If it feels wrong, say it hurts you. Your feelings do matter. I hope your marriage is strong enough for it to be okay for you to say it and okay for him to hear you and adapt behaviour that upsets you. Mine wasn't.

My husband is absolutely not a flirt, so if I saw him behaving like this with another woman I would absolutely be pointing it out to him! How many affairs have begun like this?! You just need to read these boards!

You feel uncomfortable about it or you would not be posting about it, to me if you are that uncomfortable then you need to say something! If he is overly defensive I think it has more to do with guilt! I would rather be completely open and honest with my husband! I tease my husband if I catch him looking at a woman whilst he is driving, he usually goes red and apologises later on. I trust my husband completely and we have a very happy marriage, mostly because we do discuss how each other are feeling. I would be honest and say that whilst you are not accusing him of inappropriate behaviour, his intimacy with your friend made you feel uncomfortable. Say if you were feeling uncomfortable, then your friends husband could be too, so he had better watch his behaviour. If he continued this behaviour without any regard for your feelings then I would be firmer and say you won't be made a fool of (not that you in any way are).

I think you are giving the man a hard time. He is hardly embarrassing himself, I think you are overreacting. It sounds as if you feel a bit threatened by the fact that he fancies someone else. At the end of the day is there any problem with him getting along with an attractive woman? I think you should kindly explain that you need some reassurance from him as you feel a bit upset that he seems to find X so interesting, but telling him he is embarrassing himself is over the top and hurtful. It's never nice to know your partner will fancy other people but that's part of life isn't it? As long as he isn't acting on anything which you say he would never do, then I fail to see the issue here.

MrsBlenner

I was in a relationship where I wasn't ever allowed to speak to other men (including men I'd known longer) due to my partner's pathological jealousy. He controlled everything I did because he couldn't handle the idea of me interacting with other men even in the past.

But I still think the OP's husband is being disrespectful in openly flirting with one particular woman in front of her face and other friends.

He may not be doing it deliberately. It's hard to behave completely normally around someone you fancy. From what the OP has said, she is noticing a fairly subtle change in behaviour, probably because she knows him so well. I would try to tackle it without causing any drama, I definitely wouldn't be telling him he's making a fool of himself.

You think others haven't noticed, but if he really spends that much time talking to her, they may well have. If I were on your shoes, feeling the way you are, I would have to say something sooner than later. Even if he denies it, just say "fair enough, but this is how your behaviour around her is making me feel". Surely your feelings matter to him?

Anyfucker you seem pretty adamant here with little information.

If your DH/DP etc randomly said to you ( in a probably somewhat angry tone) that you're making a fool of yourself, and that your not gonna make him an object of pity and to stop it now or he's leaving. I would imagine you wouldn't be best pleased a bit perplexed and probably think he was a bit controlling if to just because you're getting into a conversation with someone. Obviously I'm just guessing here but I would say most would feel that way and may even tell them to leave.

I don't think that this is something that needs to be made into a hostile relationship ending situation by being too aggressive, especially when basically all we know is he was a bit animated and spoke to her longer.

If you reversed this and had a man telling a woman she was laughing at a specific male friends jokes too much and it was upsetting him so she should stop, i think most people would think that the boyfriend was being quite controlling and invasive.

I wouldn't. If a man had an issue with his wife making it clear she has the hots for his friend I would say the exact same thing.

Finding someone good company and funny is one thing. OP says he is making it very clear he fancies her and I have no reason to disbelieve her. It can be very obvious to tell if someone fancies someone and he is clearly making it obvious to the OP. She doesn't like it and she has the right to tell him that. It doesn't need to be made into a big drama but she should tell him it's making her uncomfortable.

OP, like someone else said, your feelings matter and they should matter to your husband. Mine would much rather know something was upsetting me instead of me keeping it to myself in fear that I will come across as controlling.

I find it hard to understand women who would rather swallow their feelings out of fear that they may inconvenience their husband. Surely in a healthy marriage they should be able to talk this through? I would never suggest that anyone shuts up about something that is bothering them, I don't see the point in being married if I can't tell him I'm uncomfortable with something he is doing.

If the OP has a history of controlling behaviour that is another thing entirely. Some posters are claiming he is doing nothing wrong but if the OP thinks he is making it obvious he fancies her I'm going to believe her and not give sympathy to the poor man who might just have to think about how he is coming across.

I hope some of that made sense... I don't function well at 5.00am!

The OP has clearly stated that although he's more animated than usual, he doesnt flirt with her. She notices only because she knows him so well. This assumption that everyone has noticed and that the OP is the object of pity is just ridiculous and feeds into the OP's insecurities. He's doing nothing wrong. To take the sledgehammer approach is being controlling. In your shoes, OP, I would tease him about it so he knows that you've noticed.

Oh just take the piss a bit. Marriage isn't never fancying anyone else ever again.
Say something lightly. He will get the idea.

Agree that as usual mumsnet way over reacting to this.

I had a bit of a crush and my dh once said 'You talk about X a lot' and that was enough for me to nip it in the bud.

I pay more attention to my dh now, he is great fun anyway but I don't think it did our relationship any harm for me to have been a bit preoccupied with someone else for a bit, made hum appreciate me more ]

Thanks all. I agree that I don't want to come across as controlling or even jealous. He hasn't actually done anything wrong.

I know nothing will happen and it's tempting to just say nothing. I've just never seen him
like this around another girl so it's a bit disconcerting and hurtful. Agree that makes it all about me. I'm pretty sure he'd pull me up on the same thing too. In a non jealous way though. I think the problem is neither of us are particularly overly affectionate and flirty people, we do normally consider each other's feelings.

I think the best approach is to be slightly jokey about it. More of an observation than an accusation. Just plant the seed that there's nothing wrong with fancying other people but when your behaviour is such that your partner clocks it then maybe tone it down a tad. Then move swiftly on.

That sounds like a sensible approach, OP.

It's not overreacting to tell the OP to talk to him about it.

To go in all guns blazing and causing a huge fuss might be. But having a calm conversation with him is exactly what you should do if something is bothering you. I don't agree with AF that he is making her an object of pity and he shouldn't survive it. There is a middle ground.

I think that is a great approach OP. I would personally tell him I'm a bit uncomfortable and he would reassure me and tone it down if needed and that would be that.

Some people would obviously have no problem with this situation. I would and dh would and the OP is uncomfortable with it. It doesn't matter what other people think though, if it is making you uncomfortable talk to him. It doesn't have to be combative.

It's not "combative" to make it clear to your partner where your boundaries are. Why are women who know exactly what they will and won't tolerate accused of being aggressive ?

I consider flirting with OW right in front of my eyes to be a line crossed.

He can of course decide I am too controlling and he can go off and flirt with as many women he likes and I would make no move to stop him. His choice.

I know exactly what I will and won't tolerate. My boundaries are very clear and I have never shied away from making them clear and sticking by them.

I never said it was combative to make your feelings clear. In fact I said OP should do exactly that and I also said I don't understand women who shut up about their feelings because they don't want to come across as controlling. So I'm not sure why I'm being accused of calling women who know their boundaries aggressive?

I disagree that others are seeing OP as an object of pity. They just need a conversation about it and hopefully it will all be sorted out. My combative response was to the poster who said some of us were overreacting. Talking to your husband is a non combative way about something that is bothering you is not overreacting.

OP, I used to meet some old friends for dinner once a month and at the time one of the guys fancied the pants off one of the other girls and would flirt with her. He thought he was being discreet about it. I thought I was the only one who noticed. It turns out I wasn't, everyone had picked up on it, and we all felt so so sorry for his girlfriend.
Eventually the girlfriend brought it up with us and asked if we had picked up on it or if she was being paranoid. She said how humilated she felt knowing we all noticed her boyfriend flirting so blatantly with another woman while she was sat there....

If I put myself in her (or yours) shoes I would also feel humiliated. If he fancies her there's nothing wrong with that but at least hide it!

I would bring it up with him. Don't go in all guns blazing just mention how you've picked up on it and whilst you know she's pretty and he's bound to find her attractive, the least he could do is have the respect for you and hide it.

I wasn't addressing you directly, U2. I was also responding to the shouts of "controlling" and "combative" and "over reacting"

It's you that namechecked me. If I had meant to do the same, I would have put your name in my response.

I think you should address this, in which ever way you find fit, before it escalates. Your friends will be aware.

I am quite an open person so would have no problem in asking him out right. I would also probably stop socialising with her.

Why haven't you talked to him yet? You don't need the approval of voices on the internet