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Original poster

DH fancies one of my friends.

349 replies

Delatron · 04/02/2017 19:30

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 04/02/2017 21:54

I may have misread this so apologies if I have the wrong end of the stick. Are you saying if you fancy someone you shouldn't tell your partner? I have a very obvious crush on a male celeb, I get teased mercilessly by dh and dc and have been bought lots of things with his face on. If I see a good looking guy I'll point him out to dh in fact he knows the guys I fancy just as I know the women he'd fancy. A guy I worked with fancied me and was fairly obvious about it when we went out in a group. My dh trusted me enough to know I wouldn't take it further. I don't see anything wrong in that but this thread has made me feel my reaction is a bit odd, is it?
Personally I wouldn't get worked up about it unless he was mooning and sighing like a love sick teenager and embarrassing me as a result.

TresDesolee · 04/02/2017 21:55

Hmm I think I meant solvable there

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 04/02/2017 21:56

Is it because you've been arguing you're more worried?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 04/02/2017 21:57

Ugh. Had this a few times with my ex. The first time I was 18 and friend was even younger (ex was late 20s and a creepy predator) and I didn't handle it with any dignity at all. I was in insecure and upset and hurt. It hurt for a long time. TBH "friend" didn't exactly discourage this Hmm

Later on I got wise to this and told him on a night out when he was mid 30s and flirting with an 18 year old in front of me and my friends what a total arse he was. Luckily this time other people noticed and gave him what for. 8 weeks post birth with our second child. The girl was mortified and I felt more sort for her than me really.

So to sum up: I'd tell him he's being an embarrassing tit. He might well deny it and get cross but why the fuck should you sit back and watch his pathetic sickening behaviour?!

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 21:58

Yes he's just not normally like this. That's why it stands out to me. He's not a flirty person.

To be honest I would quite happily avoid them when I can so will do that too. They are not our close friends, he doesn't like the husband (though the suspicious part of me questions why).

I can be quite a jealous person though for full disclosure purposes. This is why all these responses are interesting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 22:01

dontcallmethatyoucunt. Yes I think the arguing has made me less chilled than I normally would be/more worried about our relationship.

He knows my celebrity crushes, we joke about them! This is more about how I deal with him fancying a girl in our friendship group. I don't think he'd admit it!

OP posts:
TresDesolee · 04/02/2017 22:04

I'm as jealous as jealous can be. It doesn't affect my behaviour these days but I feel what I feel - there's no changing that. I figure my DP gets pretty much 24-hour access to my fabulousness, he can put up with a couple of downsides. It's not like I stop him having woman friends or monitor his media access - I just expect him to be duly thoughtful about it and not make me feel upset.

Give him the info he needs OP - hopefully he'll just want to reach a point where you're both comfortable and secure. If he's a fairly private/emotionally continent soul he'll probably be horribly embarrassed and defensive and basically think you're a witch for working it out. so I'd go a bit easy tbh - this conversation is going to be some way out of both of your comfort zones!

and then never see her again

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 22:08

Tresdesolee he is quite a private person and I suspect he will be defensive and won't admit it. I just want him to know that I know. Then how he behaves from now on with that information is up to him.

Never seeing her again seems very appealing right now...

OP posts:
KatherinaMinola · 04/02/2017 22:12

Gosh, this wouldn't bother me at all. Actually I know (because he has told me) that DH finds an acquaintance of ours very attractive. Doesn't bother me because I'm sure it isn't mutual (and even if it was, neither of them would do anything about it). And she's old enough to be his mother Smile.

But obviously it does bother you - and I think that's the key thing here. I wouldn't play silly games. I'd just tell him that you've noticed and that it bothers you.

I have to say that I don't really understand why it bothers you, if you think there's nothing in it - so he might struggle with that too.

KatherinaMinola · 04/02/2017 22:14

One of my boyfriends once got very upset because I admitted to a celebrity crush. I thought he was insane he was.

Underbeneathsies · 04/02/2017 22:14

You sound very jealous and immature. Talking animatedly isn't flirting.

He's having a conversation with her, not groping her.
No ones being 'made a fool of' unless of course you choose that it's you!

Maybe she's charming and interesting and easy to share ideas with.
You say he talks to her animatedly, like a schoolboy.... what do they talk about? Anything that interests you? Maybe you should accept that your DH has an intellectual life that he doesn't seem to share with you?

Jealousy doth mock the meat it feeds upon.

I find jealous people really hilarious: I think they're very like toddlers counting their treats, and red faced, gnashing and furious if someone has more. It takes all my will power not to poke them Grin

MargaretCavendish · 04/02/2017 22:19

You won't ever enjoy being in her company and life is too short to do things you don't want to do. Just my opinion too but I think it's silly to play games I.e flirt with his friends. It condones his behaviour.

Life is also too short to be ruled by petty jealousies. Refusing to see her is a bizarre overreaction, and I think it'll exaggerate your fears rather than quash them if you start running your social life around avoiding a woman that your husband once spoke animatedly to.

TheStoic · 04/02/2017 22:28

Agree, there would be no benefit to making a massive drama out of it. More of 'I've noticed this, be great if you could tone it down a bit..!'

Yeah...no. 'I've noticed this, I'd like you to stop please.'

I'm not a particularly jealous person. But I expect respect from the person I'm with. If he'd rather be with someone else, I'd happily wave him goodbye.

No need to bring it up now. Just say it before you next socialise with her. Literally on your way out the door.

TresDesolee · 04/02/2017 22:41

on of the problems with being jealous is that it makes us imbue the other woman (or whoever) with mystical powers. Just try to keep remembering that what you feel for the school run dad and what your DH feels for her are probably pretty much on a par - just a passing pleasant sensation.

BTW if you've never read any Heather Havrilesky I'd really recommend her. She's great on this stuff about giving yourself permission to voice your feelings even if (or especially if) you know that they aren't particularly rational. You have to know that you're worthy of love and respect not just despite being imperfect but because you're imperfect

TigerSinging · 04/02/2017 22:44

^ Heather Havrilesky - liking the sound of her work.

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 22:47

Just googled, looks like an interesting read. Thank you.

OP posts:
MrsBlennerhassett · 04/02/2017 22:54

You run the risk of looking a little controlling if you say anything.
You dont have any evidence or really any belief that he is intending to cheat on you or that he even wants to be around this person a lot.
All you have are signs that he enjoys her company and thing is that thats not actually a crime. He may not even be aware that he appears to like her more than other people.
Id personally be extremely angry if my husband said to me that i needed to stop acting like i enjoyed someones company.

Sallystyle · 04/02/2017 23:07

I would not be happy. I am a pretty jealous person I guess,and so is my husband, so if he made it obvious he fancied my friend then he would be doing something he knows will hurt me.

Yes, it's normal to fancy other people but I don't want to know about it. I don't care how much other people would be ok with it, or how harmless it might be. I am not one to hide my feelings though and would tell him to knock it off.

I find jealous people really hilarious: I think they're very like toddlers counting their treats, and red faced, gnashing and furious if someone has more. It takes all my will power not to poke them

You are very lucky it's something you never have to feel then. BTW, for me it would be a quick 'oi, reign it in a bit please'. Simple.

CointreauVersial · 04/02/2017 23:08

I'd say something, but in a lighthearted "I'm not jealous, just letting you know I noticed" kind of way.

It's normal for people to be attracted to others; that's not to suggest they'd ever do anything. DH definitely has a soft spot for one of our friends; I tease him gently about it. Friend is happily married, nothing will come of it. I'm not going to come over all bunny-boiler about it.

Sallystyle · 04/02/2017 23:09

Or is it rein it in?

MrsBlennerhassett · 04/02/2017 23:18

But does your jealousy issue deserve more consideration than someones right to behave normally?
I mean hes not said he fancies her. Hes not arranging to meet her or telling other people he fancies her. Hes just looking like he enjoys her company when he does see her. That is pretty normal behaviour.
I honestly think the jealousy ought to be dealt with, not his behaviour as he is not doing anything wrong at all.
If you reversed this and had a man telling a woman she was laughing at a specific male friends jokes too much and it was upsetting him so she should stop, i think most people would think that the boyfriend was being quite controlling and invasive.

MrsBlennerhassett · 04/02/2017 23:25

i just talk from the perspective of someone who had a very jealous partner. He didnt really mean any harm but it effected me very badly because hed get quite upset if i visually enjoyed talking to any other man. He didnt shout at me or anything but hed get really sad and go very quiet for days.
It had a big impact on me because i was constantly thinking about how i was behaving and whether i was looking like i was enjoying myself too much. To the extent that after we broke up lots of people told me ;its nice to have you back because you were so cold to everyone when you were with him!'
It was so draining and tiring having to constantly watch how i was behaving around people.
Now im not saying you are this bad OP but it is worth remembering that he may not even have realised that he is looking extra happy around her and that by saying that to him you may make him incredibly self concious. Im not sure thats really fair on him.
It would be fair if he were actively flirting with her but not just because he is naturally behaving as though hes engaged by her conversation.
As youve said you saying something to him wont actually effect how he feels about her but it could effect how he feels about you.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2017 23:32

Op isn't bothered about "any other woman" she is bothered about this particular one because it is clear he is signalling that he fancies her

MrsBlennerhassett · 04/02/2017 23:40

clear to her but not to anyone else? It doesnt sound like flirting by anyones definition. The OPs jealousy is not because of the woman or her DP its because of the OP. I just dont think anyone should police anyone elses behaviour to that extent. Of course if he was actively flirting or was arranging to meet her or making sure he was there when she was type of stuff, then yes, say something. But just seeming to like chatting to someone and wanting to impress them? Thats such innocuous behaviour. Its not worth saying anything because all that will happen is the DP will (justifiably) be really upset and offended. He wont like the woman any less but very well may dislike the OP for being unfair. So it wont achieve anything but strife.