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Original poster

DH fancies one of my friends.

349 replies

Delatron · 04/02/2017 19:30

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
mysteriouscurle · 04/02/2017 21:15

Im surprised so many people think this is ok. Especially as you are afraid to bring it up because he will turn it into you being in the wrong. Are you not allowed your own feelings? I have noticed people flirting openly in front of their partners and been embarrassed for them but said nothing.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2017 21:18

I am not saying for one minute he is after shagging her

And it wouldn't matter to me how infrequently he sees her

He is making a fool of himself, and of you and you are mistaken if you think no one else has noticed

No one who causes me to be an object of pity or by their behaviour prompts others to talk behind my back gets to stay in my life

Op, you sound like you are tip toeing around him. Why can't you speak frankly to your own husband ?

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 21:20

I guess I need to think about what I want to achieve by talking to him about it. It won't stop him fancying her will it.

I honestly am not sure other people would have noticed. Everyone was just chatting to each other in a large mixed group. He wasn't openly flirting he was just chatting to her quite animatedly for him (other people may have just thought that was normal for him). Also I doubt they clocked he was chatting to her for ages

If I bring it up, the main benefit would be maybe he tones it down in the future and therefore avoids pissing me off. He'll still fancy her though!

OP posts:
user1486242881 · 04/02/2017 21:22

That would annoy me aswel. Dp would probably tell me I was seeing things. Tell him how u feel x

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 21:22

Honestly I don't tip toe around him! Quite the opposite. We've had quite a few arguments recently and are only just getting on again which is why I am wondering what the best way to deal with this is.

I find it hard to keep things in so no doubt I will bring it up.

OP posts:
BrownEyedLady · 04/02/2017 21:24

GatoradeMeBitch it was my way of trying to take sexual attraction out of the equation (assuming he's straight) and instead looking at the interaction as being between two people rather than male:female and seeing if the chemistry between them could appear normal in that light. Totally get now that it was a stupid idea. For me, when I'm wondering if sex (usually sexism) is at play, it's something that helps me with perspective. Will retire this idea relationship issues from now on though! x

BrownEyedLady · 04/02/2017 21:26

idea for* relationship

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 21:27

Browneyedlady. I did get what you were saying. That he could click with a man, spend ages talking animatedly to him and that wouldn't bother me, it's just the fact that she's female.

He definitely fancies her though!

OP posts:
mysteriouscurle · 04/02/2017 21:28

I get where youre coming from brown eyed lady. Whether he would be this animated with someone he has no sexual attraction to?

MsPavlichenko · 04/02/2017 21:29

It will be a lot easier for him to get over fancying her if he stops hanging around her etc. People will have notice, and probably her most of all. It is a tangible thing I believe, almost always obvious.

Of course we all can find ourselves in this situation. The key is to knock it on the head, and make sure it doesn't impact on anyone else. Not indulge it, and embarrass yourself, your DP and all those looking on. It wi be painful to watch.

LouisevilleLlama · 04/02/2017 21:30

I think " he's embarrassing himself and making a fool out of you" is ridiculous if it's just general chatting for a longer some conversations are more engaging than others

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 21:34

I do think it's a tangible thing mspavlochenko. You can kind of sense if/when someone fancies you and vice versa even if you don't admit it to yourself.

I was pretty sure she didn't fancy him but she has sometimes asked me questions about our relationship, like how we met for example. We're not that good friends, more friends of friends. I don't really ask her about her relationship.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 04/02/2017 21:35

I disagree utterly that a partner flirting is making a fool of anyone.
You have to feel that he is going out of his way to deliberately and publicly reject and humiliate the OP to start to be made to feel a fool and I see no evidence of that here

I wouldn't feel pity for anyone who was the partner of someone flirty not remotely.

If he were a sex pest, letch, creep or pervert then that is a different story.

He is flirty, perhaps not even overtly as the OP feels she sees it not that he is outrageous. I like to think people can be more fond of chatting to some people than others without there being any harm. Ditto with play acting things from our youth/past. It can be a beyond meaningless but enjoyable act at parties for many
I am one of those people. I have never flirted with the intention to make a fool of anyone. Ever. I have a very wide group of friends and am invited to many many parties. I am far far from a social pariah.

Sometimes how you process things can be an issue. If it is harmless leave it there. Those who aren't harmless are very easy to spot and steer clear of for us all ...even the terrible flirts

TresDesolee · 04/02/2017 21:36

I don't think you need to justify feeling hurt or ask whether it's ok to feel hurt. It is what you feel, and that is his business.

Turn it around - if he said to you 'I've noticed you becoming really animated around that school run dad, it's obvious you fancy him and I'm a bit gutted', how would you feel?

FWIW those are pretty much the words I'd use I think.

It's not about getting him to stop fancying her - as you've said, that's not realistic. Not because she's Helen of Troy but because he's human.

It's about reminding him that behaving considerately towards you is his most significant job. Because (presumably) ultimately you're the one he loves.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 04/02/2017 21:37

Unless he's doing anything remotely inappropriate, like ignoring you, focusing on her to the exclusion of others, glancing over at other times, then I don't really see the issue. He went to a party, someone he gets on well with and may fancy was there, they chatted in an animated way, he went home.

I don't think it's necessarily true everyone around you is talking about it or can see it unless he's properly inappropriate, and chatting and having a fun time at parties isn't that for me. You said he wasn't openly flirting, so why would chatting to another person in a mixed group be really obvious?

I don't see how it's more virtuous to fancy people (which you do too) and ignore them, if you are close friends with people how does that work? I have a couple of friends who have very attractive husbands but I still speak with them, and I've noticed a couple of work colleagues/partners light up a little or laugh at my jokes more than necessary when I'm there, none of us is remotely inappropriate or having affairs.

It would be kind of odd, if you have a wide circle of friends/colleagues/acquaintances, if none of you fancied none of the others and no-one ever got engrossed in conversation, laughed or looked animated.

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 21:39

Yes that's it TresDesole. I like that. Not so accusatory more 'this is how you are making me feel'. Then hopefully it won't descend in to an argument.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 04/02/2017 21:41

He is making a fool of himself, and of you and you are mistaken if you think no one else has noticed

No one who causes me to be an object of pity or by their behaviour prompts others to talk behind my back gets to stay in my life

This is just all so... dramatic. It was a bit of flirting. If I saw a friend's partner getting a bit flirty I would think very little of it. I definitely wouldn't think she was an object of pity.

I suppose I just don't get this kind of intense jealousy. I think it's bizarre to pretend that adults never fancy anyone but their partner. My husband fancies his boss. I fancied the IT guy at my old work (no such luck in my new job). I guess he must find one of my friends attractive because they used to sleep together before we got together. None of these things have ever made either of us love the other one less.

By all means say something to him - and I agree that it's maybe a bit worrying that you seem so cautious of doing so - but keep it lighthearted. It's a silly little thing; why turn it into a relationship drama?

user1486242881 · 04/02/2017 21:43

But you feel uncomfortable tho don't you? Look im quite probably horrid and if something is bothering me then I would say, it's on your mind stand your ground hun.

Original poster
Delatron · 04/02/2017 21:43

Agree, there would be no benefit to making a massive drama out of it. More of 'I've noticed this, be great if you could tone it down a bit..!'

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 04/02/2017 21:46

I've noticed you becoming really animated around that school run dad, it's obvious you fancy him and I'm a bit gutted', how would you feel?

If my husband said this, I would feel like he'd lost his marbles. If I was animatedly chatting to a dad on the school run, he'd be fine with it! This is normal behaviour. On the school run, I often see a dad and chat animatedly with him. He's quite attractive, perhaps I should walk past, only give one word answers, look as disinterested as possible.

I also chat animatedly, laugh, joke, tease and pay lots of attention to my female friends. Sometimes I even spend a long time with one of them in a given night.

This thread is weird to me. I'm not getting the 'affair about to happen' vibes at all, more the slightly paranoid because husband is human and fancies other people vibes and if I were asked to tone down animation on a night out, when not openly flirting, I'd be worried for the relationship and his mind-set.

TresDesolee · 04/02/2017 21:47

I would (in an ideal world where he's contrite and a bit aghast at upsetting you) also point out that it's cost you a lot to have this conversation, and that if you have cause to have it again it will likely play out rather differently Wink

Good luck.

Darlink · 04/02/2017 21:49

What margaretcavemdish said.

No one is making a fool of anybody

AnyFucker · 04/02/2017 21:49

You sound like you are tying yourself in knots to sound reasonable

Do you do that a lot ?

Jenniferb21 · 04/02/2017 21:52

I think you'll forever be upset unless you spend no time with her.

I would go for option c. Limit or omit your meetings with her. If he ever mentions it tell him the truth. It won't affect your marriage then because you won't be seeing her anymore anyway and he will become aware of his behaviour.

You won't ever enjoy being in her company and life is too short to do things you don't want to do. Just my opinion too but I think it's silly to play games I.e flirt with his friends. It condones his behaviour.

TresDesolee · 04/02/2017 21:52

Tisn't ablut affair about to happen

And this will seem weird to anyone who happily flirts away and has a partner who's happy with it

That's not every relationship in the world though

From the way the OP is posting it's plain that this behaviour is out of the ordinary and breaks one of the unwritten norms of their relationship. Which makes it hurtful. Which is fine and eminently soluble.