DH fancies one of my friends.

[Delatron]

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

I'd probably do as previous posters have suggested, and tell him that you've noticed it, and it's very obvious to you because you know him so well. Then perhaps add that, although nobody else has told you that they've noticed anything, he needs to think about his behaviour around this woman before other people do start to comment on it, as it would cause lots of friction within the friendship group .

Yeah, I kind of just want him to know that I've noticed and it's a bit hurtful.

I know it's normal to fancy other people. I would assume most people would keep it hidden from their partners though. I think it was also that he asked where she'd gone when she left early (noticing she'd gone and being disappointed). I mean jeez 🙄

Perhaps he just hits it off with her? My wife and I both have quite intense platonic friendships with people- I love my friends and they at important to me including spending one to one time with them. I don't fancy them and love and fancy my wife, and I really trust that she feels the same about me. So I might feel jealous to see her connecting to someone in ten way you describe- sometimes I feel low and then jealously creeps in. BUT I know its my own insecurity and try to let it go, and remember that I am in a loving happy marriage and there isn't anything to worry about. So- if you are in a happy loving marriage you too don't have anything to worry about

b AND c

I think it's ridiculous to say he's embarrassing himself that's done just to hurt him and asking your friends just brings attention to it and it could become awkward.

Maybe have a word but it may be that he just finds her more interesting than your other friends, / may not want to hang out with your friends. I would be careful though if I got told I was embarrassing myself etc or under scrutiny and I thought it was unfounded I would be hesitant to hang out with them again or self conscious

I was going to say maybe you find her pretty yourself and are projecting your own insecurity onto your husband perhaps, but the fact he was asking where she was when she left and his becoming animated around her leads me to think that he definitely fancies her. If you are good looking and she is then he is obviously a sucker for very attractive women.

I'm always surprised at how obvious and open a lot of my friend's and acquaintance's husbands are when it comes to flirting. I have had many of them flirt with me. I think poor wife not what an idiot she is. Given the opportunity who knows whether men like this would jump at the chance to cheat. Hmmm

I wouldn't tease him mercilessly or try to make him feel small - no good lies in this.
Some people like to flirt. I am unsure of the harm it causes if it is only 'safe' flirting at a party or with others around. For many it is fun reenactment of teenage stuff and reconfirmation of attractiveness. A need met safely.
I am a dreadful flirt and all of my friends husbands flirt with me and I with most of them. It is an openly laughed about scenario.
None of us are interested

Op you deal with things differently than your h. It doesn't make your way right and his wrong. Ditto with all the 'well what about her ignored feelings' or 'disrespect' shown in commentary in posts following this
Sometimes we need to do some work on ourselves to realise that a tight chain only chokes. If he wants to be with you and says he does what does it matter if he flirts? Stop worrying.
If you can't bear his flirting then leave him - as he will continue no matter what measures you place upon him.
Save the arguments and relax

B and C definitely. He should know it's hurtful to you, and I definitely wouldn't spend any time with her - why bother when it's horrible and she's not even a friend.

We're not really the type to have intense platonic relationships with other people though. I know lots of couples do and that works for them.

I am sure he has just hit it off with her (and fancies her) but I'd just rather not witness it.

I am undecided whether to say something before they come around next week or wait and see how he is. He's normally fine in a dinner party situation with her though. I guess it would be even more obvious if he gazed across the table at her all night in front of her husband though so i'm sure he'll behave himself.

I don't let anyone make a fool of me like this

I expect your other friends have noticed and are pitying you. No man would survive making me an object of pity

I would talk to him. Tell him to stop immediately or you are outta there.

If you approach it as hurtful/jealous thing - he will deny and minimise as you've said.

I'd be a bit ...covert.

I'd start a conversation reminiscing about how you remembered him when you met... How you use to look at him and think he was... (Hopefully he reciprocates with a fond memory of you and of not...)... How he looked at you and made you feel like you could do anything and be anything and it inspired you to be the better version of you he saw in you then and there .. And work into the conversation when you were both talking to X...and you noticed how she inspired him a little to be a better version of him... How it made you realise ... Fill in as appropriate.

Hmm food for thought. I used to be a terrible flirt (before husband) and it got me in to all sorts of trouble! Think that's why I just don't anymore!

He doesn't flirt with anyone else and I really wouldn't describe him as a flirt. I think if you flirt with everyone it becomes jokey as you are not singling one person out?

My way of dealing with fancying people is to not fan the flames of the crush! I can see how things can get out of hand and I wouldn't want to go down that road...

I don't recommend game playing and appealing to his "romantic" side

Who can be arsed with that. ..and how demeaned would you feel ?

Just tell him to knock the puppy dog eyes on the fucking head forthwith

Good angle trollspoopglitter. I guess I want him to know I know but without having an argument and just hope he can tone it down a bit.

He's just being human, not hurtful or insulting. As a PP said "You can't stop him fancying other people". She's no threat to your relationship. Just accept and think no more about it. The time may come when you fancy someone and he picks up on the signs, but no one else does. It's life, it's normal, it's human.

Anyfucker. I am not sure our friends have noticed (I hope not).

Gah, this is not unanimous!

After all, it is you he is spending his life with, and he hardly ever sees her and isn't trying to see more of her outside your friendship group- perhaps he sees no harm in how he is around her----because there IS no harm in his interactions with her- he likes her but he isn't trying to engineer an affair with her- he wants to be with you.
I wouldn't say anything tbh. Not on the basis of what has taken place so far.

Another way to look at this is to imagine she is a man. Run through the events again and see if anything looks a bit odd in that context.

If he's gay or bi that could be a useful exercise, but if he's not sexually attracted to men, then it's... not.

Meh. Not sure why it bothers you, tbh, and I think that probably says more about how you feel than how he behaves.

I wouldn't even notice if dh did this, because when we are with other people I rarely notice what he is doing at all - I have him to myself at home all the time so when we are with others I make the most of the others IYSWIM.

Why are you looking so carefully at him when you are out that you notice something so subtle that you don't think anyone else would?

Op, they will have noticed

I only noticed/clocked it as he's been like this with her before so wanted to see if I was imagining it! He was standing in front of me chatting to her (we were watching a band).

I'd interpret our lack of unanimous opinions as a sign that we/you need more data to work with. Perhaps see how the dinner party goes and let us know if there are any further examples that we can work with?

From all that you've shared here, I feel quite positive about the situation. But obvs I wasn't there and I have an outlook on life that makes me interpret things in this way.

If your gut says something is wrong, than listen to that. But if it is your mind wondering what other people might think, then ignore it. The mind's job is to analyse (and sometimes over-analyse) stuff, even when it isn't needed or helpful.

It would be a showstopper for me. Call me selfish, but I just can't stand sharing. It can't be that difficult for him to behave appropriately. He must know that it will upset you or is he totally oblivious?

Definitely (b) in your list of options. You need to have it out with him. And even if you come across as jealous, don't apologise for that, you have every right!

Thanks, yes I think it's clear he hasn't really done anything wrong and isn't planning on having an affair. This is all about my reaction to the situation and whether I am willing to just let it go, seeing how infrequently we see them or whether I feel something needs to be said.

Also whether I am justified feeling hurt by it.

I totally agree with AF and of course your friends will have noticed and will be pitying you and talking about it behind your back.

I would tell him to knock it on the head or fuck off.