DH fancies one of my friends.

[Delatron]

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

His reaction says it all.

Saying that, DH and I often don't see eachother at all during parties, we reconvene at the end and have a good catch-up/gossip about the different people we spoke to.

I have one friend who really likes DH and flirts a bit (and when drunk pinches his bum ), but it is his reaction to her (friendly butnormsl, does not seek her out) that means I don't even feel a tinge of jealousy.

Last time I got chatted up by a guy, DH was laughing at me from a distance

But again, that was because I don't go out of my way to chat men up.

So your DH reaction is notgreat, if it was harmless he would just laugh and explain they were talking about kids schools, or an acquiaintance, and he'd reassure you (maybe gently mock your jealousy).

The huffy rebuffal means you have touched a nerve, and he is cross at being busted....

I know. I'm disappointed with his reaction. Thought he would be more reassuring. So defensive.

Anyway now he's trying to be really nice and keeps asking me if I'm annoyed about something (which I am) but I can't really keep going on about it.

Feels like there's no resolution. I'll just have to hope me mentioning it adjusts his behaviour. We normally see them once every six weeks or so. So not that often.

I'd just leave it now.

Bringing it out in the open means he will now feel selfconscious with her

Yes, I think now he knows I've clocked it he will moderate how he is with her.

Yes. And if ever again he offers to completely ignore her, say yes!!!

Stronger than me..
I'd have told him to go to her 😂

'Is she conventionally better looking than you?'

Can I just say that research shows men don't tend to cheat on their wives with women who are better looking. It's not usually about looks.

I think he's disrespectful. You deserve better than this honestly.

Yes, I'd definitely ditch the 6-weekly dinners.

Christie Brinkley was cheated on. And Jennifer Lopez. And Beyonce. It's not looks. It's fresh meat.

Yep 👆
Tbh if he's tempted I'd rather ditch him

I just RTFT. Ithink he might have a small crush on her. The 30 min chat is not great but could be given the benefit of the doubt EG a shared interest that perhaps other friends arent as interested in. His reaction, however, was crap. The defensiveness and arsey-ness is telling. Is this how he reacts whenever you bring up something that's upset you? I'd have expected perhaps a small amount of defensiveness interspersed with a bit of an apology that he'd upset you!

Agree with jobanana definetely keep an eye on this!

I'd hope he would be a bit more apologetic etc than this... Which is a bit telling.

I would still even if he moderates things keep an eye on this afterwards but also avoid seeing them for a while.

Good luck again

Thanks, yes he would normally be more reassuring. It was just a flat denial that he'd done anything wrong and just kept saying he's only spoke to her for 5 minutes. It's very hard to say 'I can just tell by the way you look and speak to her' without sounding like a nutter.

Also, she's always been slightly 'off' with me which I have put down to the dynamics of me becoming good friends with with one of her friends. Nothing nasty, she is just not especially warm towards me. My friend, bless her is the one who keeps arranging these meetings/outings as she wants us all to be friends. Given the funny dynamics and the fact we are not good friends I am happy to minimise contact with this couple.

Anyway, DH is on his best behaviour but that is probably because he feels guilty about being busted..

Yes, you've raised it, he has not really acknowledged it, but now you can both be grown up and kind to each other and try to build on your relationship. He will possibly be glad in the long run that you did say something.

I know what you mean, sometimes you need to be pulled up on something and have it pointed out to show how it can actually harm your relationship.

I think, despite the initial knee jerk reaction, he's had a think and hopefully we can get back on track after the blip.

OP - you don't know with the friend being off how she feels etc about your DH, her marriage etc (god I sound paranoid!) but given the funny dynamics and the fact you aren't close friends I'd be happy to minimise contact with her and her DH as you're doing.

I too think that hopefully your DH will behave himself from now on and give him a reality check of what is and isn't appropriate, I think it was good you brought this up long term. Hopefully this will all die down now and was a one off.

Hmm ... I hope she isn't being off because he's told her what you said. And because she's started to see you as a rival. I hope he isn't being perfect because he doesn't want you to suspect anything.

I really don't mean to be at all negative - and am probably wrong - but I think you should trust your instincts. If they're based on body language and behaviour (rather that possibly misinterpreted facts) then they are pretty much bound to be right.

I would say eliminate her entirely from your lives. I have found out it's not popular at all on here to say she might have no morals and might be after your guy regardless of the effects on you and your family, but he's clearly interested and the whole thing stacks up bad. Get her out of your lives.

Really.

Agreed with jo eliminate.

The only thing I'd be slightly worried about here, is though you (OP) say DH is quiet etc it hasn't taken long for him to:-

a) come out of his shell and socialise and flirt
b) minimise and deny when confronted

So I'd hope in the future he wouldn't try this on again. Sometimes the quiet ones can be the worst as no one suspects them and he seems to have thought that of you too OP, you wouldn't suspect...

Sorry, to clarify she's never actually been massively friendly towards me so it wasn't just since last week.

They are definitely not in contact with each other or even have each other's numbers/email.

He's not quiet per se, just not flirty, gregarious.

I think it will be fine. I genuinely don't think he is being nicer because he doesn't want to me to suspect anything. I think he feels bad I clocked he had a soft spot for her, he thought he had kept it hidden and now feels bad.

PP who have said tha the OP is unreasonable to be jealous because they would not be bothered themselves etc are spectacularly missing the point. She is bothered, that is the point.
I have been both sides of this. My DH behaved like this. I am not a jealous person but this did upset me. He could not see why, as it was no way an affair. A male friend I confided in also could not seethe problem if there was no actual reciprocation or sex. Female friends got it, totally.
Eventually (!), even tho DH could not understand why it bothered me, he acked that it did, and ceased contact with her. ( In that case, she was a game-playing bitch who was not interested in an affair, but loved the power - had been thru a few MM just for kicks, no sex, just adoration...)
I have had MM behave like this to me. Hated it, avoided them - any decent friend of a friend would. Of course she knows what is going on - women are smarter than men in theses situations and she could nip it in the bud instantly if she wanted to.
Telling the truth is always the easiest way, even if it temporarily rocks the boat. @OP, please tell your DH that it upsets you, and you want him to stop. If he protests , can't see why, no harm in it etc, just tell him, it upsets you, please stop.
Even if he can't understand why, he should still see that not upsetting you is the right thing to do. You are not a crazy woman jealous of shadows. this is hurting you, He loves you. He should stop. Or you don't (both) meet the other couple.

OP, soft spot is putting it mildly!

He was definitely flirting with her, he definitely likes her, he definitely was out of order in his denial of flirting etc with her!

Now let's just hope he's got the message!

But I really would keep an eye on this just the same. I think he "is" flirty with the right person (eg this woman) but as he's not very gregarious generally this doesn't translate to outgoing in a group situation.

Of course he feels bad! So he should. Yes I see what you mean, so he is isn't quiet quiet...

To return to your OP I think it was all of the points but now it should hopefully die a death.

I do think (from past experience though) that sometimes more quiet people (maybe men) sometimes go through that quiet stage, people think they're shy etc. this can be an act, it can be genuine. I think in certain situations where they're allowed to open up though (eg your situation) this happens and gives them confidence. Nothing wrong with that unless as you and other friends have clocked it's more like flirting. I think the woman probably has encouraged him a bit...

But like you said and I've said hopefully with not socialising with them and you having spoken to him this will put a stop to things once and for all!

I also think (say if I'm speaking out of turn) if this woman has never been massively friendly towards you and more of a friend of a friend, then I'd guess to her mind (maybe to your DH's too) that if they "did" flirt, then because she's not very friendly etc with you then she can justify the flirting to herself by saying "well I'm not close friends with Delatron anyway", this also means that if the friend "did" want to have an affair with your DH then again, you're not close friends/friendly anyway so why should it matter to her? Again I may be overthinking things but that's my thinking!

Good luck!

What MrsGuy says is true too, I feel this woman loves the fact your DH flirts in whatever way he can with her and yes, she loves that power! She probably realises it makes you jealous!

And yes your DH should be reassuring you, not making you jealous etc!

I'll shut up now!

Agree, she seems to like it/doesn't make any effort to put a stop to it. If it was me I'd think 'oh I have been taking to X's husband a bit too long now, wouldn't want his wife to get the wrong idea so I'll go talk to someone else'.
She is probably flattered by the attention..

Agreed Delatron with your last post.

I think all you can do for now is avoid her and her DH. Pretty disrespectful if she flirts when she is with her DH and maybe she has form for doing this with other men, who knows? I'm trying not to paint her as the scarlet woman here or your DH as some raging flirt! I think they're both as bad as each other to be honest!

No harm in saying if you need to, if you can trust the mutual friend, why you want to avoid the friend of a friend (the flirt).