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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies one of my friends.

349 replies

Delatron · 04/02/2017 19:30

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2017 21:18

Shit, sorry, just seen your confrontation post.

Sorry but I'd be seriously seriously pissed off now.

He is an idiot. Can't think what else to write now but will have a think.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2017 21:19

He's embarrassed. id say his reaction is very telling. The denial , the under playing the sudden knee jerk he will ignore her, and the anger would tell me you hit a nerve, your instincts were right and he didn't think anyone had noticed or he thought he was hiding it and now he's embarrassed about it.

He should have shrugged or laughed it off if it was not true as you didn't go in all guns blazing here. To contextualise, if you'd said it about someone he really would never fancy, that would have been his reaction wouldn't it?

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 21:19

I can't prove it though. I am hoping me mentioning it will make him think about his behaviour towards her next time.

The person upthread who mentioned that maybe her DH noticed and that is why they left early without saying bye - that is what I thought too but thought I was being paranoid.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 21:20

I think that's why you posted here and I think it's why it has taken you days to address it with him. You knew he would respond like that and you knew your feelings would be minimised

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 21:21

And the next time it happens? Be caused it will!
He is soooo disrespectful

AnyFucker · 06/02/2017 21:22

Yup, Christina.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2017 21:22

Actually, I think there is a fairly good chance he will be more cautious in future and reign it in, st least when the op or the woman's husband are around.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2017 21:23

I hate to say this, but with your last post I think he would (and she may) if the opportunity ever arose would both do something, what I don't know...

I didn't actually think that before your confrontation post. And I hate thinking That way.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2017 21:23

Rein! 😂

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/02/2017 21:25

Under the circumstances, you were very brave, saying what you did, I think you knew you would get a negative reaction. Anyway, you've had your say, and he knows you're on to him. If he does fancy his chances with this woman, he's going to be pretty miserable at the dinner party !

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/02/2017 21:25

Sorry it didn't go well OP. It sounds like he's gaslighting you...

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 21:27

I agree superfly she seems interested too:
Long walks:
Interested in your love life.
Her husbands pissed of..
Flirty (because that's how it sounds)
Like I say I'm a jealous person.. buy this would send it to over drive.
Oh and denial

pseudonymph · 06/02/2017 21:28

You were reasonable, he was dismissive. Even if he didn't want to admit it, he could have acknowledged your feelings.

Hopefully he will back off from her anyway now, but I'm starting to think that their interactions aren't the main problem here.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2017 21:28

Biggoals hate to say it, I almost always trust my spidey senses too.

TresDesolee · 06/02/2017 21:29

Ah. I'm sorry Delatron. He's beginning to sound a bit like my ex now - very emotionally buttoned up and completely unable to handle any sort of emotional demand from you, however gentle. My ex genuinely believed that my feelings were the most inconvenient things in the world and that I should just change them.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2017 21:31

I don't want to rub it in op, but your ascertain he's not been flirting I think is probably off based on his reaction, I think That's exactly what he's being doing.

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 21:35

From your posts I sense he has been acting dickish in more ways than one and you'll probably be treated like gold dust by the right man.. this one is just taking the piss.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2017 21:56

OP, how does her DH react when they're talking? Does he seem bothered by his wife talking to your DH?

His reaction was quite defensive, but that's not really surprising TBH.

The bottom line is that he now knows you've clocked his behaviour, he won't be doing it again. He knows he's different with her. It's best to not socialise with them, because it is going to be quite uncomfortable all round.

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 22:01

I didn't see her DH or his reaction when they were talking. It was quite busy so not sure where he was..
Dinner party on Friday will be fun!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 06/02/2017 22:19

Ugh, busted. His reaction makes it clear: he's defaulted to snarling defensiveness, and there's a reason for that.

You can only see how he acts around her now. I hope he doesn't sulk and act In a deliberately cold, anti-social manner around everyone during the next meet up....to emphasise that he can't behave as he really wants to (i.e. flirt unhampered).

Cuppaoftea · 06/02/2017 23:47

You've dealt with this in exactly the right way Op. This must be really hurtful for you, I hope your quietly confronting him has nipped things in the bud.

Make sure you do enjoy the dinner party, don't let his out of order behaviour (spending a peculiar amount of time with this married friend, disrespecting you and then attempting to turn things round on you) affect how you feel about spending time with your friends.

TheStoic · 07/02/2017 02:45

He said everything was all in my head.

It is never a good sign when they say that.

jobanana · 08/02/2017 07:39

I'm afraid to say that his reactions to the confrontation talk are classic guilt and trying to draw the heat away from it. Busted, as someone said.

I think this IS a potential problem (or may be already) and you really should keep an eye on it. TBH sadly I don't know what you'll be able to stop, and it may be just a crush, but unfortunately his reaction is pure caught out.

jobanana · 08/02/2017 07:42

It may also be the reason you're arguing at the moment - in the sense that he is finding fault and not working with you because, probably subconsciously, he's comparing you. And being dissatisfied.

I'm really sorry to say that, but another sign of him being infatuated with someone else would be him being mean to you. Just not feeling on your side. Being irritable, etc, critical, complaining ... everything being wrong and you feeling a bit helpless and not quite able to work out what you've done.

Sorry to say that but it's true.