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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies one of my friends.

349 replies

Delatron · 04/02/2017 19:30

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 20:12

I'm not bothered about upsetting him!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2017 20:17

Me too. I do believe that folk don't start threads on MN unless stuff is really bothering them. On the surface, if op felt comfortable talking to her partner about this then it should be inconsequential. Say your piece, move on. You don't think that can happen though, do you ?

This "difficult" period you have been having ? Can you say what that looked like ? And the more recent "getting on better" ...has that entailed you shutting the fuck up about stuff ?

MsPavlichenko · 06/02/2017 20:34

Why should it cause an argument? You are simple telling him how you feel about his behaviour. And the more I hear the more I remain convinced that he, she and your other friends are all aware of it. And presumable she is enjoying it to some extent or she would avoid being with him where possible, taking to others, not walking only with him. Is it possible they left early, and without saying goodbye to your DH because her DH is pissed off about it too?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 06/02/2017 20:35

it has to be something really important for me to potentially cause another argument

It is really important, you're unhappy.

You clearly see the risk of upsetting him as more important than your feels.

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 06/02/2017 20:37

After the 30 min walk and talk OP,Mehta did he say they were talking about? Surely you asked?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 20:43

RE the walk, I can't understand why you didn't raise it with him at the time

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/02/2017 20:45

OP, maybe you don't want to speak to him about it, because he might tell you something you don't want to hear.
Are you still going ahead with the dinner party ?

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 20:47

30 minutes walking just them two talking..
This doesn't sit easy with me either.. did he turn to even see you were still there.?

tobedo · 06/02/2017 20:50

Strange how men always have a "connection" and lots in common with the prettiest girl in the group.

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 21:04

Well I spoke to him..
Didn't go that well.
I said I noticed he had a soft spot for her. That he was different and more animated around her and spent a lot longer talking to her than my other friends.
He said he had no idea what I was on about. He said he was exactly the same with her as he was with my other friends and only spoke to her for 5 minutes..
Ignored when I mentioned the 30 minute walk. He said everything was all in my head.
Said he'd done nothing wrong and that he will just ignore her in future as he cant be bothered with all this. I said obviously don't do that..
Seemed very uncomfortable about the whole thing and now we aren't speaking!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 21:09

Does he handle everything like this, is that why you have been arguing?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 21:10

So no, I'm sorry you were hurt?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2017 21:10

You were perfectly reasonable, op

And I can understand why you struggle to make yourself heard Sad

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 21:11

His argument is that he hasn't done anything wrong. I felt I was going round in circles trying to explain when he kept denying everything.
Bloody annoying.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2017 21:13

He can't deny how he has made you feel though, dela

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2017 21:13

Sorry but based on your OP and the post on page 11 your DH "is" flirting with this woman whether you think so or not...

I agree with AF etc but I'm not sure I'd go nuclear, I'd just have a word and be pissed off and may consider not socialising with her again (but she hasn't done anything wrong it seems).

I personally do think your DH is pushing your buttons as he must know how he's acting with her (like a lovestruck school kid really), it's pretty obvious to other friends (who probably think he's being a twat), he also knows you have form for jealousy etc yet still "flirts" with her.

I wouldn't have this at all.

Had a friend when we were 19/20 or so who had a boyfriend who every time they were out with us would leer or stare hard and obviously at attractive females who passed by. I found that disrespectful to her at the time, the boyfriend claimed he couldn't help it. Yeah right.

Your situation isn't dissimilar as your DH knows exactly what he's doing.

OnionKnight · 06/02/2017 21:13

That's certainly not the reaction of an innocent person.

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2017 21:14

OP, he "has" done something wrong as he's attracted to her, if he was outgoing and she was a friend he had a lot in common with it'd be a bit different but you can tell her finds her attractive too.

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 21:16

He's guilty and that's why he reached... If I said that to my man I know he would apologise for making me feel that way and not beat around the bush.
I'm a jealous person I admit.. but from what you have said he's taken the absolute piss..
I would be walking 30 minutes with my husband not some other man I fancy.. Angry

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2017 21:16

Navy you're right, it suits him to miminise his behaviour towards this woman because then he can carry on flirting etc...regardless of how OP feels.