DH fancies one of my friends.

[Delatron]

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

Thou can't help who you fancy! I have fancied loads of people whilst married but done nothing about it. Maybe I have acted like this a bit who it hasn't gone anywhere. Do people really think in a long relationship your partner is never going to fancy other people. Get real.

Jeez! How many times does it need to be pointed out that even the OP has stated that he is not flirting?
What's so depressing about this thread is the deep level of insecurity of the posters who read so much more into it. How stifled their poor husbands must feel to be subject to such policing.

Delatron

Honestly, I think jokey or combative or whatever strategy is just a bit daft.
You love him, he loves you. Don't plan a conversation trying to manoeuvre him into backing off.
Just tell him how you feel and then how he behaves is up to him.
You have articulated it well on here. Just say that.

'You behave differently around her. I know it's subtle and I'm feeling odd raising it but it hurts me. It feels like a tiny betrayal and whilst we could argue until we are blue in the face about whether I'm right nor wrong it's how I feel. I feel hurt and a little foolish. I want you to know that before we see her again"

Then, how he deals with that is up to him.
The truth is really often the best approach.

I agree with most of what TresDesole has said in that regard.

Yes I agree, some PP should not be married if they are that insecure.

As for going 'nuclear' at him, what for? For talking in a friendly way? If my wife went nuclear at me over something so trivial I'd tell her to fuck off.

I've thought about this and I genuinely can't understand how the OP has come to the conclusion that her H fancies her friend. It's made worse by the fact that some posters are egging her on, encouraging her to take the mick out of him or to confront him, based on nothing more than him chatting to the friend.

i think tease, not ridicule.
We used to laugh together about a woman who used to liaise for kids' lifts with my H who sent messages signed with a kiss. Not that it meant anything but she became knowns as Sally X. Obviously in our home only he had left me for her where she was a far more fabulous wife.

God if you cant talk like that to your partner and admit that you like people then jeez it is like a prison.

I'm a bit baffled that people in relationships don't understand that it is entirely possible to see the signs of attraction in the behaviour of their partner.
How can you possibly be in a close intimate relationship with someone and not see those subtle signs that obviously sound innocuous when posted on the internet?
We all betray attraction in our behaviour - of course we do. The op sounds neither jealous or hysterical, controlling or odd. She just knows her partner well and is privately hurt.

In the OP's defence, at least she acknowledges that her feelings stem from her insecurities. It's the other posters who would 'go nuclear' who completely lack that insight .

Of course I understand that the OP can/will notice signs of attraction, we all (hopefully) can. But what I can't understand is that the OP was in a crowded pub, she had one eye on them and all he was doing was talking to her, maybe it's me but I'd want more 'proof' that he fancies her before proceeding.

I'm also quite dismayed and saddened by the level of insecurity being shown by a number of posters on this thread. It makes the other threads about porn etc become understandable, even threads where women have said that others don't even want their husbands to be near them now they are single. To be so threatened by the mere presence of another woman you perceive as attractive near him, is very sad.

Don't these men work, meet attractive women in their day to day lives, have conversations with them?

It must be a horrible way to live for both parties.

I wouldn't need proof before talking to my DH if I felt uncomfortable about another woman. I can always tell if he finds someone attractive and I'm sure he can spot it if I do. It's not a problem - it's not at all often but neither of us ever get overly attentive or familiar with anyone else so if he did it would be massively out of character so it would make me uncomfortable.

I really don't think it's s big deal either way. It's just something the op needs to talk about just so it's out in the open. She's allowed her feelings. He's allowed to think she's over reacting. That's just something a couple works out isn't it.
The idea of taking the piss out of DH to make a passive aggressive point would be cringy for me.

The idea of taking the piss out of DH to make a passive aggressive point would be cringy for me.

Agreed, it doesn't seem a grown up way of dealing with things.

Wow okay he isn't flirting! But from what I read he was... maybe I should have read every single post.. my bad sorry.
Yes I have a problem with flirting..
Problem is, this has obviously made OP insecure enough to ask for advice..
Mine is avoid contact, that way you won't feel like this.
I don't think it's productive for you guys to make comments on others insecurities though.. like myself, people have reason quite heart wrenching for this.. Also it not just something we need to work on alone.. Our partners should also help us with this...
I would personally say to him you're hurt, a little jealous & feeling insecure. If you're in a loving relationship he should realise your feelings and next time you're in said situation, make you feel a little more involved. Maybe that way you won't feel as jealous? Just because we all feel differently about certain situations doesn't mean our feelings should be less valued.. It can be damaging if you're already insecure. However if you can recognise and work together as a couple the relationship doesn't have to be so suffocating.
Yes okay we all fancy other humans.. But! Making it obvious is hurtful to some of us.

Agreed onion...
No I don't agree with taking the piss at all..
This is another way of playing on others insecurities. Not on.. Pot kettle springs to mind there!

She asks you about your OH, how you met etc. You're right, this is unusual for your level of friendship. She's clocked that he fancies her and is either trying to work out how to handle it OR she fancies him too.

I have been told I'm flirtatious, I'm the same with everyone though. The point is that his behaviour changes, that's the issue.

I wouldn't do passive aggressive stuff that's childish. Only you know your DH and why your getting this gut reaction. Women's gut reaction are rarely wrong I find.

Being animated and talking to someone a lot who you fancy often leads to nothing eh? confused not in my experience it doesn't.

Well, in my experience it does lead to exactly nothing, so clearly experiences may differ!

I find the insecurities being expressed in this thread really sad, and a bit baffling. Do people really think you can 'protect' against infidelity by being paranoid? I don't think that people cheat because they're not being sufficiently closely watched or because they're sometimes allowed to talk (even animatedly!) with attractive members if the opposite sex. I think people who want to cheat will find those opportunities, come what may.

Reggaeshark, that's a huge assumption about the friend's intentions. Her asking about how they met doesn't necessarily mean that she's showing an inappropriate interest in the DH. How do you know that she
hasn't asked the same of other couples?
Context is important.

I have also been guilty of fancying other men, at work for example. My approach to this is to do the opposite, I reduce contactl, I don't flirt, I don't talk to them more than other people. That's because you have respect for your partner, something which he doesn't seem to have for you where this woman is concerned. He's changing his behaviour with her, he's not treating her the same as his other friends.
You seem to minimise his behaviour with each post. If you're in an open, honest and loving relationship you should be able to discuss it with him without fear of his reaction. In my experience people usually get defensive when they know they have done something wrong so his reaction will be telling.
Whether it's flirting or not it's making you uncomfortable. If he loves you he wouldn't want you to feel this way. Expressing your feelings isn't controlling at all op.

Maybe margaret,
But that what you just said makes people who Red already insecure more insecure..
It's really awful feeling like that.. yes it's sad & I'm glad you never have to feel it.. but those of us that do really have a tough time and it's usually through no fault of our own..
Mine stems from being abused from a child and having the men close to me let me down. My experience is really dark and something not for here.. I wish it hadn't happened and I've got help and I'm working on it.. However this means a part of me will always be insecure. That doesn't mean I shouldn't be in a happy relationship. It just means that my partner should love me enough as I do him , to be more consistent of my feelings, as I do him.
It's great others can cope with this! You've obviously got massive confidence.
However its obvious that it's damaging this poor girl enough to come here.. That's not okay!

Are considerate awful grammar today sorry

My DF also knows what upsets me and he wouldn't cross boundaries.
He's not the most secure guy for the same reasons.
Our relationship has taken a lot if work. But we're beginning to be on the same page.
Flirting or making it obvious we fancy someone isn't okay.

biggoals I'm not trying to make anyone feel worse, but I do think it's important not to pretend that excessive jealousy is 'normal' and even sensible, as so many on this thread are doing. I'm really sorry about your past experiences, but I think the key phrase in your post is 'I'm working on it'. Of course no one is a perfect partner, and I'm certainly not. I have a history of serious depression and ongoing anxiety, so it's certainly not the case that I've never put my partner through tough times. You're right that I'm lucky that my anxiety is very rarely focused on my relationship, and that I've just never been very prone to sexual jealousy. I have, of course, felt jealous though. My point is that we have choices when we react to how we feel though: we can take those feelings and think about whether we're reacting rationally and proportionally. Sometimes that doesn't work, the feeling is too strong. But I get the feeling that OP is trying to do just that, and teetering on the edge of doing so, and there just seems to be an awful lot of people trying to talk her into irrational jealousy. As you'll sadly know all too well, that's a painful place for her to be, so why try and persuade her there?