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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies one of my friends.

349 replies

Delatron · 04/02/2017 19:30

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 06/02/2017 12:15

Well, I don't think I know any women who would expect their husbands to never find a woman other than them attractive, so turns out we know different people, doesn't it? But let me repeat myself again: feeling jealous is normal. But that doesn't mean all degrees of jealousy and all actions taken as the result of jealousy are normal.

MargaretCavendish · 06/02/2017 12:18

AnyFucker said: 'I don't let anyone make a fool of me like this. I expect your other friends have noticed and are pitying you. No man would survive making me an object of pity.' If you don't think that's telling the OP (in the face of her own sense that this wasn't true based on the fact she was actually there ) that she was publicly humiliated then I don't really know what to say.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/02/2017 12:21

Well Margaret, I don't know how you have come to the conclusion that AF made the OP feel publicly humiliated either, have you read the full thread ?
I agree with Navy and AF's posts.
Your opinions are not the only ones here, that are valid.

Faithless · 06/02/2017 12:24

I didn't pick up on signs that the OP's main issue was that she wanted to control her husband or stop him from fancying other people, or that she was jealous of the women, more that she found some of her husband's actions hurtful. She sounds like she's acted in a thoughtful, restrained way.
I think her hurt is justified. Just because the signals that he likes this woman are subtle doesn't mean they don't exist.

MargaretCavendish · 06/02/2017 12:26

I've read (and been participating in!) this whole thread. If this was a hypothetical discussion I'd give up here - we're obviously not going to agree - but I really and honestly think leaving the thread to those who want to encourage the OP into an ever more extreme emotional reaction is actively harmful.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2017 12:34

I agree with Margaret, and she's not referring to the op, as I think everyone knows, she's referring to the posts building it into a major deal and goading the op into either serious action or normalising extreme jealousy.

No woman is "happy "her husband finds another woman attractive, no one said that, what was said was it was normal even when married to find other people attractive , it's to be expected. It would be abnormal not to.

This doesn't mean it's ok for the person to flirt or act upon it, simply when we are in relationships it doesn't we mean cease to find other humans attractive.

It's also normal to feel a certain amount of jealousy at times, no one said it wasn't, it's extreme jealousy and insecurity that's the issue. Extreme to the level if you think s friend is attractive you prevent them meeting your husband, extreme to the level that you'd go nuclear simply at the thought he might find someone else attractive and be animated round them and threaten to end the relationship. Extreme to the level where even the thought of him talking to an attractive woman makes you feel sick, That's damaging and that's what's being commented on. Not the ops behaviour which in my view is very considered.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2017 12:48

I agree with Margaret actually. I don't go with the thinking that the OP has been publicly humiliated by what she has said at all.

Of course it's not pleasant and can feel hurtful, to see your DH/DP show that he's attracted to another woman in your presence.

Some couples are able to talk through this. Some even come and tell their spouse they find another man or woman attractive .. I can't imagine doing that myself, but I admire those who can. I've had a few couples tell me this as part of the relationship support work I do.

OP..
I think saying something like that "I've noticed you seem to get on really well well with [insert name]"

You may get a response of.....

"Why do you say that?" or What do you mean?"

I'd respond with "It's just the way you were talking to me her the other night. It seemed a bit different to how you talk with my other friends"

If he doesn't ask what you mean. Then you could follow up with explaning as above.

All should be said in a calm, non accusatory tone to avoid it escalating into an argument. You say it and then move on to an unrelated topic (unless he wants to discuss it further). The idea is to let him know, that you've noticed.

In his mind, he'll deal with what you said and I'm sure you'll notice a difference in how he interacts with her the next time, should the occasion arise.

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 13:09

Thanks. Yes the last thing I want is an argument. Though subtle doesn't often always work with him and he'll be oblivious to what I mean if I say 'oh you seen to get on well with X'. He'll say 'oh yes I do, she's really interesting to talk to'. And be none the wiser.

I think he also knows I am not one to beat around the bush. I think I need to be calm
and rational. I think I may need to point out that I can tell he has a soft spot for her and it's a bit hurtful to watch. See how he responds to that.

He's a decent bloke normally who wouldn't want to upset me. Not normally flirty.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 06/02/2017 13:15

I think I may need to point out that I can tell he has a soft spot for her and it's a bit hurtful to watch.

I think this is the perfect wording. Good luck with the talk OP - I think (and hope) it'll make you feel much better. I think you should probably do it as soon as practically possible (don't phone him at work or something!) as I find that the longer you dwell on things upsetting you the bigger they grow in your head.

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 13:17

I also think that's perfect

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 13:18

You've given yourself the best advice sweetie x

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 13:22

Thank you all. Been very interesting getting all the different points of view. I'll have a chat later and report back.

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 06/02/2017 13:44

Great approach.

TresDesolee · 06/02/2017 13:48

Good luck, hope his response reassures you.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/02/2017 17:08

Hope all goes well, and that you are feeling much better soon OP.

SmellySphinx · 06/02/2017 17:16

Do you even know what they were talking about? It's possible that they just 'clicked' over something they found mutually interesting, something/s which with other female friends he doesn't. Not to quash your feelings or anything but it sounds as though it's the fact that you're recently getting over a falling out which has shaken you and you're focusing on his friendship with this woman even more so than you usually would.
None of us truly know without being there and knowing you both personally, goes without saying of course! I wouldn't say anything at the moment, I don't think there's a need to. If he proceeds to talk to her and only her when you meet up or makes it very obvious he finds her attractive then I would be inclined to bring it to his attention... along the lines of "you do realise you weren't paying much attention to anyone else don't you...?!"

AnyFucker · 06/02/2017 17:45

margaret can't you articulate your own opinion without constant reference to mine ?

I skim this thread and my name is cropping up in your posts over and over

It's really not cricket

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 19:12

It's not the first time he's behaved like this with her though. I ignored it last time. We had a long walk back from somewhere (in a group),was about a 30 minute walk, he walked ahead with her chatting, completely engaged (and doing his weird over animated thing) for the entire 30 minutes, without once glancing behind to see if I (and rest of the group) were still with them. At the time I remember being a bit annoyed and clocking his interest but was willing to let it go as it isn't a crime to walk and talk with someone. The rest of the group were chatting and switching around who we were chatting with.

He isn't really 'friends' with her. They are friends of friends who in the last year we have started socialising with more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 19:13

But yes, agree, the fact we have had a bit of a tough time recently isn't helping I'm sure!

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 19:17

It's time you spoke to him about this

So what if it causes an argument, your hurt and pissed off with his behaviour...tell him that

NavyandWhite · 06/02/2017 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2017 19:57

op, I am concerned that you seem almost frightened to raise this issue with him. You have been round and round in several circles now and every time you come back to not want g to upset him (even though you are upset yourself). You seem rather entangled in his opinion of you to the detriment of your own peace of mind

What is really going on here ? Do you normally have to spend so much time looking at every single angle and consulting with strangers about how best to raise what should be pretty straightforward if you were in an equally respectful partnership

Do you feel like you are in an equally respectful partnership ?

Original poster
Delatron · 06/02/2017 20:04

I'm not frightened to raise it, I was trying to work out if I am overreacting and what could be achieved by raising this. I don't have a problem raising other issues where I know I have a point!

Talking about it won't stop him fancying her...

I am planning on speaking to him tonight. I'm not bothered about upsetting him. I am more concerned that all we've done recently is argue, we're finally getting on, so it has to be something really important for me to potentially cause another argument.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2017 20:07

It's how it comes across to me.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/02/2017 20:08

I can't help feeling there is more of a back story to this whole situation