DH fancies one of my friends.

[Delatron]

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

Being animated and talking to someone a lot who you fancy often leads to nothing eh?

I'm animated, outgoing, chat loads, but never ever crossed the line and rarely attract unwanted attention. I work with lots of attractive men, we have fun at work and chat/banter but it's all professional, again no line crossing. Some of my female friends have nice husbands, again, find it no issue to chat animatedly to them, sometimes for quite a while, but certainly have no interest in them. My husband occasionally even goes out with his female friends where I can't see them (!)

I feel sorry for people on here who have to worry when their partner goes to work and might see attractive women, and when they go out are constantly watching their movements. If I saw my husband chatting with an attractive woman, I'd say 'she's pretty, isn't she' and wouldn't even mind if he did fancy her. He's not unfaithful, nor am I, we are sociable people though who work in areas where you get to meet a lot of people, so I guess we firmed up a long time ago what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. I couldn't live under the limits of being told to rein in my outgoing personality, nor never to speak to an attractive man again!

I have also noticed that not very animated/not that attractive people manage to have affairs if they want to, I sometimes think it is a mystery how they do manage it, but I don't think it's about that.

I think affairs start in lots of different ways. I don't, incidentally, believe in 'one thing led to another', which is an excuse used by people who made some very deliberate decisions. I say that partially because I have cheated in a past relationship (one of my biggest regrets), and I was entirely to blame for doing so: it wasn't some sort of natural event that happened because my then partner wasn't watching me closely enough. I've never seen any evidence that people with close friends of the opposite sex are more prone to cheat; if you have statistics showing I'm wrong on that then I'm happy to accept that as I'm only talking anecdotally.

The OP's H is different around this woman because he finds her attractive. Of course it doesn't mean he will end up having an affair as this woman might not be interested in him. Or she may be.

Do you honestly think that? That if two people are attracted to each other it's just inevitable that they'll sleep together?

No i don't see sense in telling her to act like a jealousy monster.. "although that's what I am" lol
But I do see sense in her telling her husband how she feels because she doesn't need to feel like that.
Foureyes
If I'm honest about your post it made me feel sick with jealousy. I couldn't live like that.. BUT, like I say I'm working on that, and my DF loves me enough to not make me feel like that. I've gotten better and he goes out a lot! With mates.. funnily enough and I know this sounds awful. I don't mind him hanging with the less attractive girls..
But again that's my insecurities.
However obviously every situation is different.. all I suggest is she stops putting herself in a hurtful situation, because nobody deserves to be hurt.
My insecurities were so low at one point I considered ending my relationship and letting him live life as he choose.. But that hurt him more, so then we just worked on making each other feel more secure.

Biggoals I get that, and I also would say I have been jealous on occasion, it's not like I never feel it! But we have worked over the years in circumstances which mean we meet a lot of reasonably attractive people (and have worked away at times), and you just have to decide how you deal with that as a couple. I would actually be honest in this situation, but I wouldn't ask the other person to change their behaviour, I would be clear that it was me that had the issue and perhaps ask for some reassurance.

but I do think it's important not to pretend that excessive jealousy is 'normal' and even sensible

Yeah I get that too..
But we shouldn't change who we are as such.. just change how we make the person we love feel about it.. if I thought something was hurting my DF I'd stop doing it. Obviously only if it reasonable like this..
Ahh he could just make the comment God you look beautiful tonight to his partner in front of said girl. That ways it's killing two birds with one stone.. & make OP more involved in the conversation like she is important to him.
Do you see where I'm going? X

Bluntness..
I'm totally not saying it's normal.. it's not!
But it doesn't mean it hasn't happened and it's not there.. If you play on someone with it insecurities strings, thats just as cruel.

Ok so jokey might not be the best way forward.

An honest chat without sounding jealous may be better. I don't feel jealousy towards her, more irked that my husband clearly fancies her (I can just tell!!) and he doesn't appear to be hiding it very well from me. I am undecided whether she feels the same way but there was something about the way they looked at each other when she first arrived. It's so hard to say whether it's intuition or me just being paranoid.

Delatron, don't question yourself, just go with your gut. 🌸

And yet again, people actively encouraging away from any idea of analysing or rationalising your feelings of jealousy... I actually think you should tell him exactly what you've said to us, including that you're not sure how seriously to take what you felt when you saw them chatting. If he's decent then I think being completely honest is best. If he's not decent then there's nothing a chat can achieve anyway.

Yes, because the gut is never wrong is it

Just talk to him OP, no need to go nuclear or to tease him etc, just talk to him like an adult.

I think anecdotes about other people's relationships e.g. their intense platonic friendships or honest disclosure about fancying others don't apply in your situation OP. You aren't describing these situations, you are picking up on different, subtle signals which make you uneasy.

You know the dynamics of your relationship and the context in which these events have happened and have drawn the relevant conclusions. In the context of your marriage and what is normal, and the way you and your husband socialise, you have found his behaviour to be hurtful. It's difficult to bring up in conversation precisely because of the subtlety of the behaviour you have noticed, but this does not make it any less real or hurtful.

I don''t want to hijack your thread, but I was in a very similar situation and in my case the suspicions were correct. It was a close friend rather than acquaintance and nothing did happen, but he tried and was rejected. I found out after we split up for other reasons.

Just tell him what you have witnessed and how it makes you feel, and gauge his reaction. No need to feel like a psycho paranoid, jealous woman because you are not, you are merely picking up on certain signals because you know him well and responding in a perfectly understandable way.

Jokey is only the best way forward if that's how you feel about it. If you don't actually feel that way then don't minimise your feelings, but do be congisant of what may be down to your own issues or sensitivities and what's actually down to his behaviour when you communicate.

I had a similar issue which I think I said with my own husband, however I took the piss because I was amused and he was being a twat and not on purpose either and no he wasn't flirting, well not in any recognisable form anyway 😂.

I don't have issues with him finding other women attractive, to be honest, I'm the opposite, I'd be worried he was abnormal or had something wrong with his sex drive if he didn't. The woman in question is a good friend of mine and still is, we socialise together as couples all the time. It was his issue not hers or mine and he knocked it on the head immediately.

Your partner should not be held responsible for what is in effect down to you but equally it's fine to make him aware of any sensitivities or issues you suffer from so he can behave accordingly if required. He should be held responsible for what is down to him only.

Biggoals, agree, but I don't get the impression the ops partner is deliberately doing this to be cruel, in fact he may not even be aware he is doing it and part of the issue could be down to the ops own insecurity or jealousy where she has blown something very minor up in her own head and is unable to see it for what it is.

Feeling of jealousy regarding your husband fancying somewhere aren't normal then Margaret?

Feeling jealous is normal (though I would suggest that ruminating on one conversation with an attractive person for days is beginning to be a bit obsessive). 'Going nuclear' at your partner about it or starting to arrange your social life around it (many people have suggested that they should avoid this woman altogether!) is not normal, and actually I would suggest such a reaction is always unhealthy, and sometimes abusive.

I had a couple of friends that dh has never met for fear of this very scenario as I think they are far too attractive and I couldn't even bear to see him speak to them innocently

^^ Gosh. That's so sad. I'm sorry you feel like this and that you are so insecure as to keep attractive friends away from your husband. That's very sad indeed. You don't trust him or them.

Reminds me of a friend who said I picked really pretty girls /ladies as my bridesmaids and wasn't I worried they'd outshine me. Absolutely not I told her. Nobody could outshine me on my big day.

She was/is so insecure, hence she choose the less attractive and overweight friends of hers as her bridesmaids and she openly admitted it to me

No, and if you read what I'm saying is that the OP is actually reacting in a normal way: she is upset, but has repeatedly said she is worried that her own insecurities are exaggerating the significance of what she saw. The issue is that for some reason there seem to be a lot of people on this thread who wish to goad her into a more extreme reaction; AnyFucker was determined to make her feel that she had been publicly humiliated, and now lots of people are telling her that extreme jealousy is normal and maybe even desirable. It might make those posters feel better to imagine that everyone else is in a relationship where paranoia and control are constant, too, but I can't see how it is anything but harmful for the OP.

As for going 'nuclear' at him, what for? For talking in a friendly way? If my wife went nuclear at me over something so trivial I'd tell her to fuck off.

^ I kind of agree with this. Going nuclear would not be an appropriate way of dealing with it. If I was talking to a man in a friendly way, I wouldn't expect my DH to do this at all.

Going nuclear would not end well for him. Such extreme jealousy would annoy me.